Goodbye. A word we use and hear daily, not just once or twice. A word so common that we have forgotten its meaning, as if the word has ceased to exist. You may even salute to the word. As we say the word Goodbye we seem to take for granted that we will see this living form or lifeless object again.

After a dinner with your parents you say Goodbye. After school, work, training, dates, phone calls, texts, after spending time with your friends you raise your hand and wave Goodbye. Casually talking to a stranger you say Goodbye, with no real concern if you will see this person again or not. Sending your children off to school, kissing your husband Goodbye, shaking your boss' hand and hugging your grandparents, yet not having the slightest thought that this could be the last time you will speak with them.

We all will die: such is the circle of life. We all know it. I know it's not a pleasant thought. We don't choose to be born and we can't escape the fact that death is waiting for us. I'm not trying to scare you or make you think that the grim reaper himself stands around every corner but one day he will swing his scythe. Don't let a word of no meaning be the last thing that you spoke.

Even I make this mistake, too many times. Like the time I spoke with my Grandma - a normal conversation and as tradition we said Goodbye. That was the last time I spoke with her, not of anger or disagreement, because of death. Death won again.

A man sits at the kitchen table fixing up an old computer. In his hand he has a paperclip. He has bent it to function as a hook to fish up the first clip he used, that inconveniently ended up inside the computer, which he won't open because of insurance reasons. I can't remember our conversation, I wish I could hear his voice and not just see a voiceless, moving mouth in my head. I do remember saying Goodbye as I'm closing the door. That was the last time I saw my step dad alive. As I sat next to his lifeless body I said the last Goodbye, and for the first time in my life I said a meaningless word with meaning.

Recently I said Goodbye to my love Sarie as she was flying back to Sydney. The word has meaning but do I mean it? I know in my heart that I will see her again and saying Goodbye is not an option for me. As I said Goodbye I told my first lie to her.

Goodbye. When it has meaning your heart may break, and force a salty tear to run down your red cheek. With meaning it can make you angry, full of rage. Yet it can also bring happiness. A Goodbye can be for joy and so can death. We see in death only sorrow and despair, we see darkness when light shines upon us. What we don't see, is life riding past us. We are too miserable to see it. As we say Goodbye to a life a new will begin, a new dawn is coming and with the sun the darkness will vanish. The dead wouldn't want us to linger in limbo as they do. At the time it's hard to see meaning in a farewell but when you form the sound it comes not from your mouth but from the soul, and you are free. From that moment on you can reach the light step-by-step and see meaning in life yet again. And a Goodbye with no meaning, you will speak of no more.

When death occurs it is hard for everyone, we all deal with it in different ways and we can clash. A family can drift apart, as the one who died was the anchor. We see no reason to speak to one another because we share nothing in common now and the connection we had is gone. We could never be so wrong. This is the time we need to be closer than ever and ask for a hand. Some may think that joy is a lost memory and everything that will happen is meaningless. But joy will come again just as night comes and goes. When joy comes we need to welcome it, as frightened as we may be we all need to welcome lost memories. Death shall not be forgotten, death shall be remembered as a rare and beautiful night sky.

As we say Goodbye to death we welcome joy.

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En konversation med Filip brukade spela ut sig följande.

- Vill du äta? säger filip

- Jag är alltid hungrig, säger jag

Sedan möts vi och bestämmer om vi ska äta kebab eller pizza. Vi oftast åt kebab för det kan man äta både på pizza som med pommes och en liten sallad. En dekoration sallad som ibland blir äten för att släcka trösten colan inte kunde. Under måltiden pratar vi skit om andra vänner, inte så mycket skit mer ventilera frustrationer. Oftast var det om Eric ( Förlåt Eric, vi älskar dig) Sedan när vi var över mätta gick vi hem till Filip, alltid till Filip. På denna tid hade jag en mycket finare och RENARE lägenhet än denna långa man. Men nej vi måste vara hos Filip. För där var hans data. Det är den enda anledning jag kan tänka mig. Vi sätter på en riktigt dålig b film, jag känner inget intresse för detta event som ut spelar sig framför mig. Jag blundar och drömmarna tjänar ett bättre syfte. Filip blir små irriterad och puttar på mig med hans app fötter. Själv hatar han fötter men hans fötter är tydligen heliga. Tvättas 15 gånger om dagen I heligt vatten. Men att somna jag gjorde är inte bara för att filmen är dålig utan mer för att jag kände mig trygg. Vem är inte rädd för en 2 meter muskel viking?

Inte rädsla för bli attackerad i hans lägenhet men känna sig trygg i en vän. Att veta han kommer alltid finns på andra sidan soffan och täcka sina ögon när den läskiga biten kommer. Han kommer alltid finnas där och ge oss en bamse kram och en del av hans stora hjärta. Som vi alla har tur att få vara en del av. Men den lyckligaste är Charlotte. Hon har hela hans hjärta, som han har gjort med alla oss och gör än idag, han må inte vara medveten om det. Men du får oss att känna oss lugna, du för oss att hitta till en tyst plats när tåget kör förbi och du för oss att hitta en plats där stress försvinner. En plats där en tår är välkommen och ett leende följer.

Filip du är nu 25 år, vi har varit vänner i 10 år ( jag är inte helt säker men 10 låter bra) vem kunde tänka sig att ett simpelt hej du gillar spel, kan forma en vänskap som övervinner det omöjliga. Två nördar som visa inget intresse för folk runt omkring blev två sexiga jävlar. Du var alltid där på ditt eget sätt, ibland var du där med en röst ibland fyllde du rummet med värme. Du är en vän som jag aldrig vill förlora, må den dagen komma så ska jag finna det svårt att le.

Jag vet du är sur på mig för jag stack iväg, men en dag kommer där vi kommer återigen står på samma mark. Så var inte sur vi behöver visa att avstånd kan inte skada vad vi har skapat, en vänskap som verken tiden kan bryta ner. Må denna dag vara en dag av minnen, må denna dag vara en dag du skapar nya minnen. Må dagarna som kommer vara fyllda med liv och kärlek och ta Charlotte i handen och tillsammans visar ni era världar. Må du vara hennes sköld mot ondska. Kärlek finns bara inte i kärlek, den finns i vänskap.

Filip falk grattis på 25 år på denna blåa jord, må 75 år till finna din väg. Min älskade vän.

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Who the Fuck are you to tell my that I'm Angry, I'm not Angry at all. I JUST express myself in a FIRM WAY. If YOU have a problem with that you can FUCK OFF. Ahh the power of one word or in this case two brilliant words. That together brings harmony to the world and makes a smile goes away in a second. Everyone will stop. A big silent will follow. A moment for the stress, a moment for you TO THINK about what you have done. FUCK OFF just one more time. FUUUCCCKK OOFFF. The perfect words.

As I have grown up or when I encounter new people in the world ( A world we don't give a shit about). It's rude to be honest, it's considered rude to speak the truth. It's rude to be HONEST. We should sit quiet and shut up. WE expect people to be nice and polite. BUT FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON. If I DON'T feel like being nice or even feel like talking to you. If I chose to say in this moment " Sorry I don't want to talk to you or Sorry I don't want to waste my breath Or Exchanging eye contact with you are waste of life, I rather eat my own shit. Ok the last one is little bit extreme. I am rude or I am a prick, or I get the question " What's wrong with you". If I was little bit upset before then NOW I'm fucking furious. WAY should it be something wrong with me? AND I said FUCKING SORRY! WHAT IS WRONG with you? ( If the person in question is now deaf, you are royalty fucked. Anyway because a stranger I don't know or a person I have no feeling/sympathy for and have no attention to be even slithy nice to? Then something is wrong with me? Well now you might think it doesn't kill you to be nice. WELL WHAT IF IT DID?! Well I don't want to make the effort to be nice, It's hard work. Have you even used your own brain once? Sure to some extend I will agree. As I know how it is working with customers. You learn to take shit. Anyway back on track. I'm talking about the times some stranger walk into you, standing one inch from your face and blowing smoke, eating with the month open on the train. Someone that obviously trying to con you or sell a worthless product to you. A person that is obviously deaf or a has low IQ because they seem to have lost the concept of the word no. We feel it's hard to say no and hard to be rude. When the OTHER PERSON is rude as hell and won't back off. They know you can't be rude because of the invisible fence. That if you climb over you will go to hell or die on the spot. You might say "I have to be nice because I'm a nice person, I shall be the grown up and the better on", Go and die. Take a spoon and dig out your heart. But the stranger I can't stress it enough A complete stranger. That is punching you in the face MULTIPLE TIMES and then kicks you when you are done. BUT HEY atleast you were nice.

But I consider it's being rude to expect strangers to be nice to you, because you are nice. ( You are not really nice, you acting as you been told since day one, BE POLITE) Or you will end up alone. HONEST TO EVERY GOD IN THE UNIVERSE. I rather be alone than having hundreds of " FRIENDS". We are nice just because we have to.

Then I'm nice and polite to strangers and people I choose, that will appropriate my words and enjoy sharing eye contact with me. I'm polite when I buy a coffee or when I go to a restaurant. If you give me bad service and you get upset when I menage it or I'm not saying thank you. THANK YOU for making my adventure a living hell. Thank you for wasting my meal and money. We all share similar thought about this. Many of us express our anger everyday many of us build it up and when the last drop breaks the glass. Which is not healthy, let you anger fill your heart with positivity. You more anger you release you more happiness is left for you love ones. Strangers you never will meet again can have your anger.

Our loved ones shouldn't be a plank where we throw our balls. Back and forth we exchange negativity. And in time the plank is worn down.

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Do we lose our mind as we grow up? We grow, our mind grows weaker. We said" I am all grown up and I know what I need to know and no more knowledge would be needed". We stop exploring our mind, we are stuck in the everyday routine. It's easy and comfortable. No need for thinking and no need to discover. Because you are all grown up. This is your life, you are happy with it. Your mind is hungry, you are starving yourself.

We often using the words, grow up, you are immature. To be honest, I don't know when we are grown up. Is it when you became a parent? Is it when you get a job? or when you know yourself?

I feel that we never stop growing and for that reason no one are a grown up, we are not adults. We are children in bigger bodies. We need to keep learning and keep fueling our mind. Keep challenging ourselves, don't give into to everyday life. Set up goals and don't forget your Imagination is a part of you and your mind. Lose your imagination and you lose yourself. Find yourself again. Can you?

Give up your imagination to fit in the society we share? To be "normal" Work and save money, go on four weeks vacation every year. Some of us will and some already have. We all chose different paths in this life, but most paths are laid down for us and we walk. When I was younger I felt abnormal, until the day I realized I was creative, I saw life my way. I see the sky not as blue but as a ever changing painting. I see grass as life growing, People I see, have a story and a soul. The mirror is an adventure I will never know the ending off. My hand is my past my eyes are my fortune. The world is my movie. My hearts is yours.

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Ännu ett år går mot sitt slut. Ännu en jul hittar sin väg in i våra hjärtan. En högtid för familj och vänner, att förenas och återigen sitta vid bordet och njuta av sin närhet. Men ännu igen kommer min familj och vänner få vara utan mig. Jag utan dem. En stol utan ägare vilken mening har stolen? Ett minne blott. En familj utan en familjemedlem väntar med tålamod på att återigen på förenas. Väntan kan splittra en familj eller göra den starkare. Ni må känna er övergivna, lämnade, men tro inte att jag inte tänker på er? Er alla. Min familj är inte bara mamma och pappa utan det är mina vänner som har funnits där. Även nu när jag inte är där. Med mod väntar de, med hop på att återigen minnas. Tror inte för en sekund att jag glömmer er. Att ni inte har en mening i mitt liv. Ni är anledning till att jag kan stå på denna jord, gå mot det okända. Med era röster visar mig vägen. Kan inget gå fel.

Jag vet inte när vi återigen kommer att om famna varandra, jag vet inte när jag kommer till Sverige igen. Jag känner mig hemma här nu, mitt nya liv är här. Jag känner mig inte redo att åka hem. Jag har mycket kvar att lära mig av mig själv. Jag vet att jag har varit borta länge, jag har ingen rätt att be om mer. Men kan ni vänta på mig? Kan ni vara där för mig än? Kan ni fortfarande vara min familj. En dag kommer jag hem till er igen. Men just nu för vi har tålamod och vara modig, vi för inte glömma varandra. Vi är en familj med många dörrar låsta. Vi måste håla i lite till. Släpp inte taget än. Ge mig tid.

Ge mig tid att hitta den rätta vägen hem. Ge mig tid att leda mig själ. Så vi återigen kan slutna cirkeln.


Jag vill ägna denna sista bit åt Irma Anderberg min farmor. Som precis har fyllt 75 år.

Hon är så mycket mer än en farmor. Hon är en extra mamma och pappa i en, hon är bäst. Hon var den enda i början som sa att jag skulle följa mina drömmar. Gå efter vad jag vill inte vad pappa och mamma säger. Vilket vi vet, att ens föräldrar har mycket inflytande. Jag var det svarta fåret i familjen, brodern min var det vita. Jag hade så många frågor jag ville få svar på men ingen gav. Farmor svarade genom att visa mig vägen. Att låta mig var den jag var. Hos henne var jag trygg. Hos farmor var jag inte ensam. Under min uppväxt när pappa eller mamma inte mådde bra, eller när jag kände mig ensam. Be gav jag mig till farmor. Du försökte lära mig att måla på proselin, jag var nog den värsta på att måla av kusinerna. Men jag satt bredvid dig när du mixade färg pulver med olja, försiktigt målade du med perfektion. Varje stråk bildade ett liv, en sång. Du doppade penseln i oljan, du låter en droppe falla tillbaka. Penseln finner sitt mål, du följer porslinets skal, håret är strävt och fyller tystnaden i rummet.

Ibland när jag och tittade på film medans du jobbade på nya projekt, olika sorters figurer, dockar, sy kläder. Med åldern slutade du måla mer och mer, du började släktforska. Jag älskade höra dig berätta om vårt förflutna. Åren gick du slutade med det. Jag nöjde mig med att sitta och prata, vi drack kaffe, någon kaka gick alltid ner. Vi prata om allt och inget. Du ringde ibland och sa du ville ha hjälp med datorn, men jag visste det var inget fel på den. Du vill bara ha sällskap, vilket jag aldrig sa nej till. Prata med dig var en ära, vara i din närhet var det bästa jag visste. Den respekt jag har för dig farmor, den kärlek jag har för dig går inte att mäta. Du är mer än en farmor du är en vän, vägledare, idol, hjälpte. Vad du har get mig är en bättre uppväxt, du var där när jag mådde dåligt. Jag är ledsen att jag inte är där för dig nu när du är sjuk. Farmor jag är så ledsen att jag inte kan vara vid din sida när ditt minne försvinner. Alzheimers. Du sa till mig på telefon att du kommer sitta själv på julafton, jag bröt ihop. Ilska och sorg tog över. Skuld. Jag är på andra sidan jorden, du väntar på att se mig igen. När jag ringde dig hörde jag glädje i din röst, du sa " Är du hemma"? Jag sa nej.

Jag vill vara där, jag vill ta hand om dig, jag vill se till att du kommer minnas allt. Jag vill lyfta dig när du inte kan gå. Jag vill inte säga hejdå. Jag vill säga hej och ge dig en kram som aldrig tar slut. Jag älskar dig Farmor, du är den starkaste, moddiga, vänligaste människa jag vet. Du förtjänar så mycket kärlek från alla din barn barn och barn. Vi ger dig inte tillräckligt, jag vill ge dig all min kärlek. Du kommer nu sitta själv på jul, Jul som är en högtid för att försonas. Jag hade gett allt för att sitta där med dig, dricka kaffe berätta om min resa. Prata om när vi var små och du alltid gav oss glass. Är jag hemsk? borde jag åka hem? Hon har gett allt för att se mig le? borde inte jag ge allt för henne? Jag är på andra sidan jorden och du är sjuk. Eller ska jag kämpa på och göra henne stolt, allt hon har gett kommer hon få tillbaka genom att se mig le? Skulden växer och kommer en dag ta över.

Tiden går med åren, dagar dra veckorna med sig, Farmor kan du ge mig tid? Kan du ge mig tid att hitta hem igen?


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We sit in our houses, we lay in the grass in our gardens, smell of leaves and earth. The thin cool air covers us. We say hey to love ones, we say hey to our neighbours. Time forget us. We lay for years. Not moving a muscle, blink a year is gone blink again five years, blink once more you will never leave.

I just finished watching the hobbit (I Love the everything that has to the with the lord of the ring) films again. As we follow Bilbo on his adventure, we discover how brave a hobbit can be. How loyal, friendly a hobbit can become. He doesn't fit in, he makes mistakes, no one trust him. The king of the drawers does not see him as an equal.

More and more I feel connected to Bilbo, not just a character in a saga. More that I'm watching myself.  Its sounds weird but bare with me. Myself got up and left, I went on an adventure. Didn't know what was out there nor what would become of me. First I was lonely and afraid as a child crying for mum after a nightmare. Darkness was around me. Later on I accepted my surroundings and my life, as yet it would reveal its true self. I found something to fight for, I found myself. Many times my mind would travel distant lands and remember the old days. Old days where I knew nothing about the world, nothing about myself. Who can know himself when laying in the grass?

I have more yet to discover about this world we share and my mind that is mine to share. A mind never stops learning so why should we dwell?. Why should we not engage our mind to challenge itself. It's hard, scary and absurd. Most of all you will feel unsafe. We take safety for granted. Ask yourself are we really safe or is it a mere illusion?

It's easy, simple as that. Easy to lay down and see the spring became summer and winter covers the world in white.

As Bilbo has filled his mind so should we all. Yet when we return to our neighbours and loved ones, we wave back with a bigger smile. We have seen what others have not, We have found ourselves. As Gandalt says to Bildo as farwell " You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins. And I'm very fond of you...But you are only quite a little fellow, in a wide world after all."

Don't lay in the grass and be forgotten by time, Let your mind find its reason to stand.

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Her mouth is opening and closing in slow motion. Small traces of saliva gliding slowly down and lands on her coat. Leaving no trace of existence. Gone. Her eyes are lit up by the morning sun cutting through the window. Staring into me, with no regard who I am. She knows nothing except my shell. They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, her soul is trapped, condemned by it's keeper. She would only see darkness.

"And so I was walking home after work, Then I saw him laying on the street" She speaks in a english teaching accent" all by himself, with a broken wing." She bends down and give the bird Up a kiss, His name is Up, Just Up, nothing more. Because he can't fly yet. Saving a bird then naming him in sarcasm. That is just evil. "Why did you wake up this mornin?"I asked, she is confused and sits in silent for the 3 following seconds. The waitress goes over the a woman and takes her order, then in same why she goes behind the counter and talk to the barista.

The women with green hair has now cooked up an answer, " Sorry what do you mean? "Why did you go up from your bed and made your way down her today?" She doesn't know what to say, she takes a sip from her coffee to buy some time. " To get a coffee and then head off to work" What do you work with" I replied. " I'm a nurse, what about you?" 'She shouts out. I take her hand "You like to save people" I say and the fear in her eyes becomes stronger. She tries to free her hand, the more she tries the stronger my grip gets. " Please let go of my hand, What do want?" Panic comes to the puppets easy, there mind is weak. Not even to be able to have a conversation without involving panic. Is panic the only way the know? I look into her eyes, without saying anything, I move forward and kiss her. She turns the cheek. " Stop it, Let go off me. What is wrong with you. God why can't I find any normal guys" I release her hand. And she get up and she storms out with a dead Up in her hand. Panic and fear makes the puppets forget about others, others they are trying so hard to be nice to. She won't notice her bird is dead until panic leaves her. So I would say never. 

My phone vibrate. Unknown number flashing on the screen. Finally my words will make a change, now is the start of everything. One step closer to the truth. One step closer to God. She goes over with the check at my table. " Guessing it didn't work out, some girl doesn't know what the are missing" She leaves and I answer my call.  On the other side is a man talking in a calm, informative voice.  "Alastair this is detective Gabriel and I want you to listen to me. If you think this is some kind of game you are playing.  You are wrong. I will find you and have you arrested. Alastair do you understand? " His voice is powerful, I can't stop admire him, an angel is sent to take me to his master. " detective Gabriel, you can tell your master that when I'm done he will be sorry for not leaving a note "Alastair please stay calm" I'm will be at the St Andrew's Cathedral at 2pm, I will turn myself in. Just you and me Gabriel. I hangup. She looks over at me from behind he counter, everyone else in the shop is looking my way. They are waiting to see if I will do anything dangerous.   I stand up on the table and give them a show. "God has sent his angels after me, he is afraid of what will come, Me! He is afraid of me.  His own creation will be his downfall" and to finish it off. I scream. " GLORY FOR GLORY"



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You told me that you miss real joy.


I was thrown back, a force, a feeling strong enough to turn me to a eight year old boy . I'm standing on intersection where our road splits, we wave goodbye. Next day will be same. I see you in school. You are the more popular one, I'm the black sheep. You made people laugh. I made people want to go away. But on the way home we shared a moment I will charies for the rest of my life. I was just you and me. Two young boys who knew nothing about the world around us. Knew nothing about the future nor the past. Then the road split and I ask you if you wanted to hangout. You said " No I need to fix some stuff". With a broken heart inside, I said, " Ok, but I will see you tomorrow. That little thought kept my looking forward the next day. The next school day. All the name calling and being ignored was worth it all. Because I knew you were there. The day came to an end, we shared the road again. The road home was short and seemed to become shorter with each day. Again I asked you if you wanted to hangout. No agian. The weekend came along. I was lonely. Dad was on the phone or in the garden. My brother was here, but more name calling from him didn't make it easier. I wanted to be around you. No name calling, no ignoring.

I went to the garage, open the brown door. Darkness have always been frighten, not seeing what is in front of you. I grabbed my bike and made my way up the intersection. I stop. What if he isn't home, what if he says no again. Your door is dark brown, big and scary for an eight year old. I knock. It hurts my hand. your mum opens. " Hi there" I replay " Is alexander home". I wait for her to say yes. A hole is building up in my stomach. Emptiness. I'm preparing to go home alone. So sit and watch some tv to play Mario 64. " Yes he is in his room reading, I will get him" My hole feels less empty. My thought of spend the day with you, brought a smile on my face, and In my body. You walk out from your room in pyjamas, holding a dragon ball book. You look tired and somehow I know you are gonna say no. But your mom says, " come on alex, go out and play a little".

What did we know, What did we know Alex. That that was the day we became friends for life. For me your were my first friend. I could see a way out but I couldn't reach it on my own. You gave me a hand. I am for ever thankful for I have a friend like you. No matter what will happen I will wait for you and I hope you wait for me to return. What I would be without you I can't say. I just knew that I look up to you. You taught me to trust myself. To be myself and no one else. You never leave my mind. I looking forward the day we are in the same room and laughing for no reason. But until that time...You told me that you miss real joy, Alex you gave me joy.

...And the tear on my cheek dried in the morning sun.



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The last day of november. Again has it come and again it will end.

Ask yourself what do you remember of November? Many of you might think about an birthday of a friend, relative or lover . You might think of the Halloween, kids in costumes asking for candy. How drunk you and your friends was. That Guy fawkes was around for a minute or two, Everyone had a mustache for "awareness for prostate cancer" A night out, Dinner at home, A perfect Sunday morning with nothing on the agenda. Fall went and winter came. spring left us and sommer came. A death. A movie. A song with that perfect voice. A friend who was by your side. A father that hold your hand. A mother voice. Coming home from a adventure. You said Goodbye. You meet someone new. You said hello after a long time apart. A book was finished. A task was complete. New releases.

I ask myself and I'm not sure. Shouldn't everyday be a day to remember. Shouldn't every day by a moment to be pride of. We should try at least. Yet if we don't have down's how can we smile when we reach the top?

I remember that I change my point of life. I can smile easier and my steps doesn't feel heavy. The world around are left open and it is now I shall enter.

This might sound weird to some of you, well just be more open minded then. I want to see if I can accept God. If he is real or it all is bullshit. But if you believe doesn't make it real? We judge in the blink of an eye. We walk left or right. Why not take both turns one after the other. Simple as that. We are learning as we go on. The moment you decide there is only one way, you will be lost. Accept new things. Write your story and when you are reading it to use, you can smile.

We should ask us at the end of everyday. What do I want to remember?

The next day will come fast and the week, the mouth will be gone and in a blink of an eye a new year will turn. The past will never catch up, We can't wait for it. We need to go forward. We have no choice. Dwell too long and your smile will hide and harder it will be to set it free.

Remember who you are.



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When night falls and my eyes zoom out from reality...


Is this reality another point of life, what will happen or what my mind wants me to remember? We have facts telling us that our mind is showing us memories and the rest is the mind making up, to make sense of the situation. We all are different we all have minds that works in different ways. Mine shows me things that sometimes I have no idea what it means. But this night I saw my old self. I was sleeping on the floor with my eyes open. I stared into my eyes. It felt normal, but I was sorry for him. After a while I cover my eye as I couldn't look into my other self eyes any more. I woke my other self up, and we talk about the fact that we were the same and look alike. My other self was shy and he was younger. A child. We had one mission to complete, we were to have a speech to thousands of people. My other self was supposed to take on the whole speech and speak loud and quiet. But he could only speak quiet, I was the loud one. I tried to conceive my other self that it would be alright. But he wouldn't listen. Then I said, Lets to it together, every time you need to be loud I will speak. Then we take turns. He said yes. And of course did I wake up from my dream before the speech.

What to make of this? Am I trying to tell myself something?, Is it a warning?, a advice or guidance?

I was searching for myself. My younger self. I even remember the clothes I was wearing in the dream, I had green shorts and a red/white shirts with swipes. I was overnight in the dream. As my younger self where, I was overweight and shy. The time here in Sydney I have found new aspect of life in it's big mystery. As the time has past by I have changed. Physical and psychologic. The time have made my let go of my other self. My older self takes over as the kid drowns.

In the dream I needed the kid, I needed him to believe in himself, and complete the task. But without me he wouldn't do it. Or is it the other way around. I needed him? My younger self stil serves a purpose that is yet to came. Do I need to keep my younger self for the better of my older self?

Have I chose to forget the past? Have I tried to hard became someone else that the one who formed me into this man I am today, got left behind?. Did I put him in a dark place in my mind where he will fade away?

Some Part of my will always need him, Without him I wouldn't be the one I am today. I can never let him go. He will always be there in the mirror smiling back at me. When times are tough he will lend me a hand even when I smile back he will never leave.

Some part of my i frightened by him, will he take over once again. Will I turn back to my old self?. We will he take my place. I will be trapped, I will fail myself. He will smile back to me and walk away. Leave me in chains.


Question after questions I can sit here and dwell. But we both are the same person, We both is a part of this life. We need to work together, My younger self will stil bring my happiness and my older self will benefit from him. We have good memories and we all have vivid memories that will constantly remind us. We can never escape the past, we need to embrace it. It all serves a purpose, some might not yet have revealed itself. But in the end we will know. We will know.


He will guide me as I have guided him.



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