After separating from my husband and moving into my own place, I've been trying to find my own footing in this new life of mine. It wasn't until I moved out of the home we shared for seven years that I started thinking about, what I wanted for myself. In the midst of all the 'fun' (sarcasm) that a separation brings there was too many other things to do and take care of. But suddenly living on my own gave me a lot of time to think about the question that kept popping into my confused head: "Now what?"

I pretty quickly made myself some promises. The first being that I would take chances. That I would say yes to whatever life would have to offer and push myself out of my comfort zone. Due to finances (like my mother said the other day: "It always take a few months after a divorce for the financial situation to even itself out". Once again, she is right) I am not able to do it quite yet, but I have decided to join the local photo club. I've loved photography since I was a teenager. Later on I got my first (analogue) SLR camera around 2001. In 2008 I finally joined the rest of the digital world and got my first DSLR. Ever since it's been my biggest passion in life, and I almost get a natural high when I hear the sound of the shutter button. Because of my illness (schizophrenia) and my general awkwardness in social situations it's definitely something that will push me way out of my comfort zone. For others this might be no big deal. To me? Big deal! But I'm going to do it, because I promised myself.

Second promise I made myself was that I would have a lot of fun. With family, friends, eventually a new partner and also just by myself (and for the creeps out there, no I don't mean THAT).

The third promise is the one that's been stuck in my mind all day. And the reason why I'm writing this blog post. I promised myself I would only surround myself with people that are good for me. Not in the sense that they have to do things for me or anything like that. But that I wouldn't give someone, who's going to take advantage of me or treat me badly, my time, thoughts or energy. And it's something I told myself because my life is full of a-holes. It's for a very specific reason. There is someone in my life that I care about immensely. But that someone likes to call me stupid and throw comments at me that make me feel a little disrespected. I've thought about cutting this person out of my life entirely. But every time I go on his Facebook profile to unfriend him... something holds me back from actually doing it. I sometimes hate how he makes me feel. But then there are all the other moments. All the moments where he makes me feel alive and amazing. I want to unfriend him, but in truth only a small part of me actually does. The rest of me can't seem to quit him. 

So right now I feel like I'm already (six weeks into my separation) breaking my first promise. Is there a 12 step program I can enter that will keep me on the straight and narrow? 

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It's currently in the AM and I should really be in bed. Not because I have anywhere I need to be early in the morning, but because I always end up feeling groggy all day if I don't go to bed at a reasonable time. Boy, saying that makes me feel really old.

As I'm writing this, I am 34 years old. I live in the fifth largest city in Denmark. Which doesn't say much, seeing as Denmark is a pretty small country. I just moved into my own apartment with my dog. This is the first place I have lived on my own since 2009. That was the year I met, got engaged to and moved in with my, now, ex-husband. We got married a year later on a beautiful, sunny day in May.

I never, not once, in the 7 years we were married envisioned that I would end my marriage. But the reality of it is obvious. I now live alone, I lost not just a partner and my best friend in the world, but also an entire family-in-law. It was the longest relationship I have ever been in, so never before have I experienced losing not just one person but that person's entire family.

Looking into my husband's beautiful eyes and telling him I had to move was not easy. Moving out was not easy. Taking our beloved shared dog away from him was not easy. I will never stop hating myself for wanting out. But I no longer doubt my decision. It was for the best.

My blog will sort of act as a personal diary. It will have to do with my separation, the following divorce and everything else that my life entails. From creative projects to photography, tattoos, mental illness and schizophrenia and just the day to day experiences I have or issues I want to discuss.

If you want to know more and want to be alerted when I post new entries, please 'subscribe' to my blog by pressing the button to your left. I hope this will be the beginning of something beautiful.

💚

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