After separating from my husband and moving into my own place, I've been trying to find my own footing in this new life of mine. It wasn't until I moved out of the home we shared for seven years that I started thinking about, what I wanted for myself. In the midst of all the 'fun' (sarcasm) that a separation brings there was too many other things to do and take care of. But suddenly living on my own gave me a lot of time to think about the question that kept popping into my confused head: "Now what?"
I pretty quickly made myself some promises. The first being that I would take chances. That I would say yes to whatever life would have to offer and push myself out of my comfort zone. Due to finances (like my mother said the other day: "It always take a few months after a divorce for the financial situation to even itself out". Once again, she is right) I am not able to do it quite yet, but I have decided to join the local photo club. I've loved photography since I was a teenager. Later on I got my first (analogue) SLR camera around 2001. In 2008 I finally joined the rest of the digital world and got my first DSLR. Ever since it's been my biggest passion in life, and I almost get a natural high when I hear the sound of the shutter button. Because of my illness (schizophrenia) and my general awkwardness in social situations it's definitely something that will push me way out of my comfort zone. For others this might be no big deal. To me? Big deal! But I'm going to do it, because I promised myself.
Second promise I made myself was that I would have a lot of fun. With family, friends, eventually a new partner and also just by myself (and for the creeps out there, no I don't mean THAT).
The third promise is the one that's been stuck in my mind all day. And the reason why I'm writing this blog post. I promised myself I would only surround myself with people that are good for me. Not in the sense that they have to do things for me or anything like that. But that I wouldn't give someone, who's going to take advantage of me or treat me badly, my time, thoughts or energy. And it's something I told myself because my life is full of a-holes. It's for a very specific reason. There is someone in my life that I care about immensely. But that someone likes to call me stupid and throw comments at me that make me feel a little disrespected. I've thought about cutting this person out of my life entirely. But every time I go on his Facebook profile to unfriend him... something holds me back from actually doing it. I sometimes hate how he makes me feel. But then there are all the other moments. All the moments where he makes me feel alive and amazing. I want to unfriend him, but in truth only a small part of me actually does. The rest of me can't seem to quit him.
So right now I feel like I'm already (six weeks into my separation) breaking my first promise. Is there a 12 step program I can enter that will keep me on the straight and narrow?