You came into my life years and years ago now. Since then there are times we have been very close and there are times when you have taken a backseat, leaving me to get on and concentrate on the things that are really important. You were always lurking though, waiting for an opportunity to come back to me. When you have been present in my life, you have controlled everything, from how I feel, to what I do, to how I perceive and react to situations. You affect my relationships with other people and I think that the time has now come for us to part ways.
Some days you make it almost impossible for me to get out of bed, I can’t think straight or find the motivation to do things, even the things I would once enjoy and look forward to. I am exhausted by you, I feel drained by you. So from now on, rather than just accepting you as the big black cloud that always brings me down, I am going to stand up and fight you. I know you will fight back and I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t want you here anymore tainting my life, which is actually pretty amazing. I don’t want you casting shadows over what should be a lovely time for me and the people I love. I want to embrace life and all it stands for, I want to make the most of what I have, however little that may be, because it is mine and I have worked hard for it. I want to cherish every day spent, without feeling the familiar tinge of sadness, because it’s just not how I expected I would feel – but it’s not me doing that – it is you.
It's been a long time since I recognised myself, so long that in fact I have almost forgotten who I was, but there are times when I get a glimpse of myself, and I want more of that. I want to feel at peace and content, rather than anxious and worried. I don’t like the person you have turned me into, with no confidence and self belief. I want to walk out of my front door and hold my head high, I want to not care what other people think. I want to be the person I once was. To laugh, to love and know that life can’t get any better than this – and the only way I can do that is to put you behind me – and believe me I will, I owe it to the people who have stood by me. I owe it to my family and friends, to be the best I can for them, but above all I owe it to myself.
So depression, this is goodbye, it’s not see you later, it is our final farewell. You are no longer welcome in my life. I am taking back what's mine.