Maybe today, I can finally write something

I honestly don't know where to start. Or how to start. But I just really want to write down...something, about you, about our story, so that one day many years later, maybe even 10 years later as we always joked around, I read this again, and understand why, how and for what I have loved you that much.

Because again, there is a part of me that is going to be in love with you for the rest of my life.

Yes, just a part of me, I can't give you my whole, because if I do that then I would not have ANY left. Honestly, if I can, I would. But I cannot. Because after all, I am forever just something on the side in your life.

I told you, little one is smart :)

Maybe more than I should have been, mostly when it comes to you. You were always so mysterious to me, and there were times I just could not understand "Why?". Until that one faithful day, when I discovered the truth, and got to know what is real and what is unreal. I wished I could turn time back, I wished I had a stronger will, and stayed naive, stayed innocent.

Because there are things better left unknown.

But I know them now, anyway.

Ever since then, I have been going through different states of mind.

Firstly, I felt shocked. Then the sorrow crept in. I could not help it. I had been feeling so upsetting about what I found out. It's not like I didn't know why you hid those truths or why did you lie to me. I understood. Still do. But, I just couldn't believe it. I kept asking, why? why? Jesus fucking Christ, why?

And then, I was torn between, should I bring this up when we talked the next time? The obvious answer should be yes fucking yes. But, I found myself ignoring the chance to bring it up in the next times we talked. I was afraid, because I know the moment I brought it up, we would never be the same anymore. I would lose you. And I wouldn't be able to live with that.

A little bit dramatic huh. But that was the truth. I would rather bury that dirty little guilty truth with me, than confronting you, and lose you forever.

Much later, I realized, it doesn't matter anymore.

Because, that is how much I love you. Enough to let it go.

Now? I don't fucking care anymore. It's not like we ever meet at all. It's not like you are crazy about me, enough to change anything in your life anyway. It's not like I can have you, anyway. It's not like you want to be with me, anyway.

So, even though it's so wrong, but I might never bring it up. Because for the first time in my life, I wanna be selfish for myself. That is only me knows the fact that I know your biggest secrets (biggest to me).

Because it's how love is. Unreasonable, and blind.



One day, if you read this.

It's been a while, I still don't know how to open up with you, about what I found. I doubt I ever will. It was a big surprise, and after the initial shock, it started to hurt. I just couldn't understand why you couldn't be honest with me. Well technically I understand, but, maybe I was overconfident in how I was to you.

Now I don't know what to do. But I do know that I already forgave you.

And I still love you, even though now I lost all the hope for an "us".