Shit that literally drives me crazy is when guys(obly men have told me this) tells me that I need more dick when I am angry or upset, that that is why I am mad. The only way to legitimize that statement is if you get calm and happy after receiving dick, otherwise shut the fuck up or maybe open up and try it and then come back and tell me to calm down and get some dick.

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Even though I feel better and mostly happy, I still get moments loaded with anxiety or emptyness. Today I had a moment where I felt nothing and I took a stapler and janmed it down on my finger. It hurt like a bitch and started bleeding but still I did not flinch, blr hesitate to it. It was just nice feeling for a change and I will probably do something like that again. This reminds me that I am not fine yet. I have a long way to go but stapling your finger os better than punching a whole thru the window with your fist.

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At work yesterday talking to a colleague and she said one of the smartest thing ever.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS.
They are just sending you information. You are not the panic or sadness it is an information that you receive from your body/brain.
Never forget that.

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I am afraid.
I am not afraid of dying. I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid of sadness nor anger.
I am afraid of loosing control, going into panic and having no control. I am afraid of feeling nothing at all. I am afraid of the future without a mom.
I do not fear people, war, loneliness or anything like that. I fear the lack of life, the lack of emotions and experiences.

The thing I am most afraid of is trembling in the dark and loosing MYSELF on the way, loosing my smile, my happiness, my pride and everything else that makes me me.

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As the last post says, my mother is probably dying ”soon” and I am actually kind of alright for now. One thing I fear is that my obsession with drama and boys and everything around me, trying to be a hero, trying to be the best sister, trying to be there for my friends, trying to be a great daughter, is all because I do not want to deal with my moms future. I dwell about a relationship I might have hurted, I dwell about a fling at the club and I exclusively put all my focus on everything but my mom or me. I guess that this is a coping mechanism but I do not know if it is a good one...

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It has been awhile. I guess I have avoided writing thus it makes me stop and think about everything that is happening. Right now it is slowly sinking in that my mother is dying and frankly I am neither panicing nor drowning in sadness. I feel emotionless. In some way I think I always knew this was going to happen and that I am not suprised but in some way I think it will be as the time she was diagnosed. I was fine for a few months(because of shock my therapist later said) and then I broke into million pieces. Crying, screaming, punching, yea basically everything all at once and I went in to a deppression and anxiety with panic attacks. But I refused to realize it, I pushed it away for several months before talking to anyone at all. I do not want that to happen again. I will not let that happen again, never.

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The thing with wanting to be a better tou and improve yourself is that sometimes people miss the most important thing- to love yourself. I can not count how many times I have heard, both in my own head and from others, "you d8 notneed that slice of cake" and they/I mean it as a motivation for being more healthy and reach my goals(being healthy not weighing less) but I always interpret it as you need to lose weight and it turns to self hate instead of a push to improvememt. This is how it is sometimes and sometimes people are straight up rude, my mom even told me to pick a pair of jeans I did not like because it makes me look thin. Why would you say that?!? I want to look beautiful and I do that when I feel beutiful. And you have to love your body no matter how it looks because you only have one.


If i have kids one day I hope I can teach them how to love themselves and try to look past all norms and opinions from society. That was a thing I lacked in my upbringing and it has affected me as a person and most importantly my self esteem. Of course I want my kids to be healthy and feeling good but there is no point in doing something just for the sake of being "thin" or lookin good. YOU LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL!

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I feel like shit. I can barely move my legs to get up from my bed. My body does not folly my lead and going up a staircase feels like running a marathon. I am exhausted by mental ilness and I feel nothing really. Just no will to live but no urge to end it. Just blatantly starring at the wall and letting hours pass.

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Sometimes it is not easy. You stay in your bed all day crying and you can not even stop yourself from hurting yourself. But that is not the worst. There is nothing that is worse than feeling nothing at all. Beeing numb. After crying your etes out and making yourself bleed you end up numb and emotionless(if thats even a word). You can not even feel pain. You can literally punch your hand through a window and feel nothing and not realising you are hurt until the blood runs down your face into your eyes.

People tell me to call my mom/sister/best friend/psychiatric department but I came into this world on my own and I will leave it the same way just as I am going to live on my own. I have to take care of myself and most importantly love myself. "I love you but i love me more" is one of the quotes I try to live by.

IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD
IT IS OKAY TO CRY
IT IS OKAY TO BE ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED
and IT IS OKAY TO FEEL NOTHING AT ALL

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There is a lot to say about mental illness. Have you ever thought about when someone dies in cancer or "physical" disease everyone damns the disease and feel so sorry for the person that passed away. But when a person takes their life because if mentall illness everone calls them weak and even if they feel sorry for the person they do not see it the way they do with other diseases, it was not deppression that killed them, it was their own action and desicion.

The same goes for eating medicine, if I had a chronic migraine I would have no trouble saying that it was medicine for migraine I was eating. But when it comes to mental illness it is not talked about, you hide your medicine and take it when nobody sees or lie and say it is an aspirin for stomach aches. Why is it like that. A mental illness can hurt just as much as a physical pain and it takes so many lifes every day and it is still a cliché to talk about.

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