As the last post says, my mother is probably dying ”soon” and I am actually kind of alright for now. One thing I fear is that my obsession with drama and boys and everything around me, trying to be a hero, trying to be the best sister, trying to be there for my friends, trying to be a great daughter, is all because I do not want to deal with my moms future. I dwell about a relationship I might have hurted, I dwell about a fling at the club and I exclusively put all my focus on everything but my mom or me. I guess that this is a coping mechanism but I do not know if it is a good one...

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It has been awhile. I guess I have avoided writing thus it makes me stop and think about everything that is happening. Right now it is slowly sinking in that my mother is dying and frankly I am neither panicing nor drowning in sadness. I feel emotionless. In some way I think I always knew this was going to happen and that I am not suprised but in some way I think it will be as the time she was diagnosed. I was fine for a few months(because of shock my therapist later said) and then I broke into million pieces. Crying, screaming, punching, yea basically everything all at once and I went in to a deppression and anxiety with panic attacks. But I refused to realize it, I pushed it away for several months before talking to anyone at all. I do not want that to happen again. I will not let that happen again, never.

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The thing with wanting to be a better tou and improve yourself is that sometimes people miss the most important thing- to love yourself. I can not count how many times I have heard, both in my own head and from others, "you d8 notneed that slice of cake" and they/I mean it as a motivation for being more healthy and reach my goals(being healthy not weighing less) but I always interpret it as you need to lose weight and it turns to self hate instead of a push to improvememt. This is how it is sometimes and sometimes people are straight up rude, my mom even told me to pick a pair of jeans I did not like because it makes me look thin. Why would you say that?!? I want to look beautiful and I do that when I feel beutiful. And you have to love your body no matter how it looks because you only have one.


If i have kids one day I hope I can teach them how to love themselves and try to look past all norms and opinions from society. That was a thing I lacked in my upbringing and it has affected me as a person and most importantly my self esteem. Of course I want my kids to be healthy and feeling good but there is no point in doing something just for the sake of being "thin" or lookin good. YOU LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL!

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I feel like shit. I can barely move my legs to get up from my bed. My body does not folly my lead and going up a staircase feels like running a marathon. I am exhausted by mental ilness and I feel nothing really. Just no will to live but no urge to end it. Just blatantly starring at the wall and letting hours pass.

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Sometimes it is not easy. You stay in your bed all day crying and you can not even stop yourself from hurting yourself. But that is not the worst. There is nothing that is worse than feeling nothing at all. Beeing numb. After crying your etes out and making yourself bleed you end up numb and emotionless(if thats even a word). You can not even feel pain. You can literally punch your hand through a window and feel nothing and not realising you are hurt until the blood runs down your face into your eyes.

People tell me to call my mom/sister/best friend/psychiatric department but I came into this world on my own and I will leave it the same way just as I am going to live on my own. I have to take care of myself and most importantly love myself. "I love you but i love me more" is one of the quotes I try to live by.

IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD
IT IS OKAY TO CRY
IT IS OKAY TO BE ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED
and IT IS OKAY TO FEEL NOTHING AT ALL

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There is a lot to say about mental illness. Have you ever thought about when someone dies in cancer or "physical" disease everyone damns the disease and feel so sorry for the person that passed away. But when a person takes their life because if mentall illness everone calls them weak and even if they feel sorry for the person they do not see it the way they do with other diseases, it was not deppression that killed them, it was their own action and desicion.

The same goes for eating medicine, if I had a chronic migraine I would have no trouble saying that it was medicine for migraine I was eating. But when it comes to mental illness it is not talked about, you hide your medicine and take it when nobody sees or lie and say it is an aspirin for stomach aches. Why is it like that. A mental illness can hurt just as much as a physical pain and it takes so many lifes every day and it is still a cliché to talk about.

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​Why is that in Sweden the victim of rape has to prove they said no, that they yelled or that they physically resisted. To me that is totally outrageous. In Britain for example the offender has to prove that the victim said yes otherwise it is rape and that makes so much more sense to me. It is always rape unless the other person specifically said they wanted to or made the move on their own. You can not prove that she was silent because she liked it, maybe she was so terrified that she could not move or scream.  Therefore I think the only aspect you should focus on when it comes to rape is did she say yes? If the answer is ni, I don't know, she didn't say anything it is rape. There is nothing that can legitimize rape, not her clothes, not the time, not the amount of alcohol in anyones blood, nothing.

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I absolutely see myself and call myself a feminist. But sometimes I get so tired of other feminists. Instead of standing together, hating on people for example posting "vulgar" pictures. You should support whatever people want to do. But what you should do is stop letting people be sexist to the ones posting pictures. You should never blame the victim for the pictures, you should blame the offenders. I know that this is hard, society has always said that a good girl never wears sexy outfits but hell yes they can. They can do whatever they want, whether it is going out in sweats, a prom dress or a short skirt. Don't blame your fellow humans for being a victim and doing what they wont. Blame the ones that judge them and blame the ones that say sexist things.

Something else thats some feminists do, instead of trying to make a difference for women they only whine. I'm not talking about the ones stating facts and expressing how the situation really is but the ones only whining. It makes me think, if it is that bad, do something about it. Confront people saying sexist things, don't let them pass, help each other out, say something when you se injustice, someone being treated different. don't just whine about it and not do anything.

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I know, that sometimes, I do bad things. I'm rude, selfish or disrepectful at times. But some people are not doing this once in a while but all the freakin' time. This really scares me because it feels like humanity its lost. They way people behave really makes me wonder why the humans aren't extinct yet by beating eachother to death because we behave like assholes,. It was only yesterday I read a facebook post about Sweden reinforcing mandatory military service and this adolescence stated she was against it and for me thats fine. Frankly you can have any opinion you want because that's your opinion not mine. But others doesn't think like me apparently, because when I started reading the comments I found lots and lots of hate and disrespectful comments, not just disagreeing but attacking the young girl, saying awful things. You may think, it is just young people that has not grown up yet, but noooooo. I checked the profiles and most people were over 40 and some even above 70 years old. They were all disagreeing with the girl and the most frequently used argument(if they had one...) was military service is great because you learn respect, discipline and how to behave. Though all these commenters talked of own experience about military service, they proves their own argument wrong every time. They were the opposite of respectful and they certainly didn't know how to behave like a normal human being. They also said that todays youth lack discipline and respect and the older generation is so much better but they were the ones acting like assholes. So please people start respecting each others opinions and if you disagree, talk about your opinions in a respectful tone. Do not hate on people just because they don't think like you.

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Daily I read opinions about politics, feminism, sports,new and so on. Everyone is so eager to throw their opinion in your face, even though they don't know anything about it.(I'm not saying everyone doesn't know what they talking about but a lot of people really don't know what they are talking about) I'm not saying that I know everything about politics or feminism or anything at all really and therefore I don't post my opinion all over the internet. Because people would wonder why and basically I don't have all the facts and all the background information and the same goes for most of my facebook friends. But they shove their opinion in everyone's face anyway. If you haven't realised it yet, it annoys the heck out of me.

Ohh btw if you get easily annoyed by whining and complaining about things you should probably avoid this blod, because some posts will be about stuff that bugs me.

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