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​​This post will be shorter and more of a summarise of the past few weeks and also stuff that I´ve been thinking about. About a week ago my mom and I where talking about my time in high school and how much I´ve changed throughout the past 1,5 years. In a couple of weeks I will be halfway through my high school period, its unbelievable how fast things fly by. Before starting high school I remember that a lot of people used to tell me that high school is one of fastest and also best periods in you're life, but even if there is still 1,5 years left the first part has been incredible. 

In my previous post I talked about how thankful and lucky I am to have so many incredibly talented people in my life. Each and every one of them is unique and that is what gives me motivation in life. One of my best friends asked me if I was certain about posting things that are very personal, but we both agreed that for some people expressing their feelings through writing can be compared to therapy. But my posts about breaking up where very hard to write because on one hand it is very important to write as pure and honest as possible but one the other hand you don't want to hurt someone else feelings either. 

This weekend my family and I spent on the west coast, it has been a great time for me to just relax and do some meditation. School is a very big part of my life but I still want to keep it separate from my personal life, by that I mean that my time outside school should not be spent doing homework 24/7. Even if this sounds like something very easy it can be hard because of my choice to go to a very ambitious school that requires a lot of studying. 

I hope that you enjoyed this post, there will be more personal anecdotes coming up very soon. 

xxx

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​As promised I will write a second part of the mini series "breaking up". This part is all about the emotional affects of breaking up with someone, and of course I will discuss based on my own experiences how I manage to get through something that i believe is one of the hardest things to handle in life. 

I was supposed to write this story on Friday, and I had this whole sort of script in mind about the time that I broke up with someone who meant a lot to me (and yes just to get this mentioned before I continue, we where romantically involved, not for a long time, but this time is still a very pure memory of mine). Trying to memorise the story in my head filled me with so much frustration, mainly because I haven't forgotten anything about our time together. Everything that we talked about and discussed kept playing like a cassette player in my head, the sound of the persons voice when they talked about certain things or their laugh is still extremely vivid to me. That is why this particular subject still triggeres my brain and body by causing me to have panic attacks. But at the same time I know that there are so many people out there going through things like this, and you shouldn't underestimate that. You should out your feelings, by talking or writing or by something else. Whatever you desire. 

To be honest, I really don't want this to sound cheesy but my friends and especially one friend really supported me writing about this. The fact that I have so many supportive friends is a blessing to me. It´s what everyone always says, real friends are the most important people in your life because they will always have your back and be there for you NO MATTER WHAT.  So I want to thank my friends, you are my everything <3. 

Having respect for someone and being respectful to yourself is very important to me. That is why I have chosen not to write about our story. By "our" I mean the story that I too share with someone else, they are of course not completely the same because every individual experiences things differently. This is also why I absolutely not will be blaming anyone. It is not a matter of who's "fault" it is (first of all, blaming someone in a break up that hasn't earned their position is one of the worst and immature things you can do, so don't do that), because it all comes down to how you chose to view the situation. 

Perhaps you are currently in this mindset that is trying desperately to find a solution to your problems, you go on all these stupid blogs that supposedly will help you on "how to get over your ex" or "how to find someone new after a breakup". Listen, this will only make you feel so much worse than you already do. It actively puts you in this "fight or flight" response (also called hyperarousal, or the acute stress response). You get the feeling that if you don't do something about it, the situation will only get worse. Now you might ask, what can I do? The answer is really simple, nothing. By doing nothing I mean, just letting go. Throughout life we will experience the worst types of pain, but it can not let it break us. You have to build up a metaphorical wall to exclude all these bad feelings and all of that anxiety, and then open another gate for happiness and calmness to bring into your life. 

And of course back to the first written content on this blog called "Having Trust Issues", a thing that came up was forgiveness. If someone does not forgive, it leaves them in the past, unable to move forward with their lives. It can be the toughest challenge that you will ever face in life, but in some way it will reward you. 

I really hope that you can relate and hopefully feel a little bit inspired after reading this. I personally really appreciate it when people open up about their solutions to struggles in life. 

xxx

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Before I get into the whole story, I want to clarify once again that you don't have to be romantically involved with a person to call it a break up. Almost every single experience that I've had with a break up has been with a friend, some of which I have been very close too and others who meant nothing to me. But this has a lot to do with attachment, because how come that some friendships last for years but never develop while others go from being completely unknown to one another to the "I can't picture my life without you" stage in just a month. And how come some relationships have a terrible ending while others make you feel like the solution of breaking up was just meant to be. This is what keeps my mind busy (instead of actually focusing on homework... hmm).

When describing these situations I will not out the name of a person, instead I will be using letters such as "Z" or "P". These letters are not in any way associated with the person that I am describing. When it comes to pronouns I will be using they/them.

I have a friend, we've been friends for a couple of years now. We will call this friend "G". So when G and I met it was in one of those situations where you just make a lot of friends, but you know that there is not that much in common between you and the other people around you. So you'll probably just be nice and stay friends with them for the time that you actually have to be together, and then slowly start to ignore them until you don't have any contact what so ever. G and I happened to be in the same group of friends, but this group of friends was not my cup of tea (literally, they never spilled the tea). And especially Gs friend was the worst (name is W), I am not exaggerating when I say that I despised W, but thankfully no one in this group except for G really liked W and eventually they went separate paths too.

The thing with G is that we continued to be friends, we had this hobby in common that led to us meeting up a lot. We don't meet so often these days because we both have quite hectic lives. But to be honest, when we do, its mostly because G asked too. G is a kind person with a good heart, but the problem is that we always end up talking about the same exakt things that we did since the beginning of our friendship.

Because I´ve known G for some time now I know that G struggles a lot with self confidence issues, this is something that I want to point out is Gs struggle and not mine so I shouldn't have a say in what I think about that. But a lot of times relationships end or just don't develop because the other person choses to talk about themselves and their struggles only. Imagine sitting down with someone at a table, and this person hasn't even opened their mouth yet but you already know exactly what they are going to talk about and how they are going to tell it to you. That is what it´s like talking to G, and when G is done talking my response will almost always be something comforting but very impersonal.

At this point I am actually more mad at myself for constantly letting myself get into the same story, but on the other hand I don't see a valid reason to break up with G. I mean, G has not hurt me in any way or caused any particular damage on our friendship. Its just the fact that its neither good or bad, its completely still. And I don't want to force-end our relationship either so for now I will just take it. I guess its a good reminder too, because every time G starts to complain I´m reminded about what a good life I actually have.

There will be two parts of this "breaking up" mini series, the next part will be a little bit more intense and for me personally something much more emotional. This situation is something that has affected me in so many ways, positive and negative. It is one of those situations that makes you feel like Britney Spears in 2007, but at the end you can check it off your "life learning list" because you mature so much from it.

xxx

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Hello and welcome to this blog that I´ve been trying to maintain for the last year or so but it always ends up with me running out of ideas (and then deleting every single post)... We will see how this one goes but my aspiration is to not be affected by what I should be writing and instead focus on the things that are valid to me.

The fact that I am writing in english may be weird and unusual (especially to me), but the reason behind this is that I have some non- Swedish speaking friends and relatives who may read this occasionally. In general I actually find communicating in english when using social media easier at times, but not always. English is still a relatively foreign language to me, but hopefully through traveling and such I will continue to learn the language and become even better.

A couple of weeks ago I celebrated my 17th birthday, being seventeen doesn't really favour you anything. But somehow this was the first time ever that an occasion, which in this case happened to be my birthday, made me realise how people have such diverse opinions of their friends and the people around them. An issue that I´ve had my whole life is my strong sense (which in many situations isn't even correct ) of knowing EXACTLY what people think of me. The times that I have asked my friends if they where mad or annoyed at me and them giving me that "really gir??" look are numerous. When I still did not understand if this was a yes or no answer the explanation from them will 9/10 times be that I was way off and that they aren't even the slightest bit of mad or annoyed at me, so basically I was just overthinking the whole situation.

Is this egocentric or does this have to do with trust issues? I don't know. But an incident that recently happened, on november 8th (my birthday), really made me question this.

As a part of my generation, I am a frequent user of social media. And as a part of my generation that is constantly in need of attention and love, I posted a photo of myself on Instagram with a caption that would remind all of my followers that today is my birthday. Without having second thoughts i posted it. The amount of comments wishing me a happy birthday where extremely overwhelming and I am beyond thankful for the people that bring so much joy into my life.

Looking through the comments I saw one that stood out to me.

The comment was very simple but it made a very big impact on me. To be completely honest I had forgotten (or should I say forced myself to forget) about this person who wrote the comment. But for many years we had a strong relationship, meaning we where very good friends. How it ended is still a blur to me, but a big reason behind it is the fact that as people grow older they change a lot. Looking at this person now my first thought is that he/she/they is not the type I would be friends with today, but then again you never know. The thing is that for years, I thought that the ending of our relationship meant that they would not even think to care about me the least. So this comment wishing me a happy birthday really shocked me, there was not a significant meaning behind it but to me it was like an approval. An approval of the fact that even when there are highs and lows in relationships, most people seem to forget and forgive. And the feeling of forgiving can be very scary but also satisfying in a way.

Some people believe that one comment does affect someone, but believe when I say that it really does. It doesn't have to be good, nor does it have to bad. I sincerely hope that this story that I shared somehow may have helped you realise (or maybe not) that you shouldn't spend your time thinking about what other people think about you, because this will only lead to a lot of anxiety. And if you are like me, at times questioning your relationship with others. Just talk to them or ask! You can practically never go wrong by doing that.

In my next post I will talk about ending a relationship with someone, which is sort of connected to this post. This subject is something that has been on my mind a lot lately because in my stage of life "breaking up" with someone (doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, could also mean a friendship) is something that at times has to been to be done but can be extremely painful or an ease. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this post! :)

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Throwback moments from Paris Fashion Week

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