Ever since I was in middle school I have always wanted to be a doctor. Some days more than others but it has always been there. The thought of saving lives is something I couldn't let go of. Last year I took a class called "wilderness first responder" which simply taught me how to save lives in the wilderness. It was a really fun and interesting class. It gave me the opportunity to be responsible for the first aid last summer, at Birch Creek Service Ranch (a summer camp for youths in Spring City, UT). Helping the youths with scratches, cuts and so on made my desire of being a doctor rise.
Before I knew for sure if I could come to Jackson and coach I applied to start medical school in January. I have applied before but haven't been accepted. In the beginning of december I found out that I got accepted this time. I could NOT believe my eyes. I was way so happy but at the same time, I had NO IDEA what to do. I loved my coaching job, loved working with the kids, finally met some awesome friends and also, I had fallen in love with Jackson. Making this decision was the hardest I have ever done, no doubts on that.
How to know? What to do?
I went back and forth so many times before I finally decided to go back to Jackson. I thought I was following my heart choosing "fun" over "should" but that is not the whole story. As I said, I loved the place and I loved my job. I have never liked skiing as much as I did at that time and coaching gave me so much in return. I felt good over my decision and when the day came to go fly back to Sweden over christmas, I left mostly all my stuff in Jackson. Said "see you in January and have a good christmas" to everyone and left.
My flight got delayed and it ended up taking me about 40 hours to get home instead of 15. It was a nightmare. I just wanted to get home and sleep. In my bed. Not on a plane. Came home. Christmas. New Years Eve. Family. Friends. Everything was exactly as I visualised it but I was not happy. It was something inside me that didn't feel good. I tried to convince myself that I didn't even want to be a doctor. It would be too hard, too much effort, I would probably not be a good doctor and so on. A bunch of negative thoughts and that is so different from me. I am not like that!!! I am a happy person. I like to wake up every morning. I see solutions not problems. I believe I can do anything. It was like me was gone and left was someone I didn't know. At all. I was so stressed out, and I could not see why.
Last Saturday I was skiing. I had to clear my mind once for all. After I called my mom and said "I don't want to go back to Jackson. I want to start medical school." And I felt so much peace!!! This awesome, crazy wave of gratefulness. Just saying those words out loud. In that moment I realised that I had actually convinced myself not go to medical school so good, that I almost believed myself. I am glad that I can notice these feelings and that I have the courage to change my plans.
I do miss Jackson. I miss all the kids I coached, my coworkers and all the amazing friends I made. I miss the mountains. The nature. The skiing. I miss it all. But I know this is the right decision because of the peace and excitement I am feeling. I can't wait to start study, learn more and in a couple of years, safe lives.
I thought that following your heart was to do things that you would normally not do if you were thinking logically (does that even make sense???). I thought that going back to Jackson and saying no to medical school was following my heart but it was the opposite. I got small signs all the time that I was going the wrong direction but I refused to listen to them, because I thought that I knew best, which is not always true. The Universe knows us better than we do. Sometimes we don't see the answer to our questions because we expect one specific answer. We have to be openminded and trust that inner voice.
Starting medical school doesn't mean the end of life. It is just the start. I have now idea where I am gonna be in a year from now but I trust that the Universe has my back and that this is the right direction. It makes me happy and excited and that's all I want to feel. At the end of the day we can only be at one place, in this moment. Here. Right now.
I am so grateful I get the opportunity to help and serve people. Medical school here we go.