Sorry for being so inactive right now, but I've been feeling dead tired and really sick lately. I have been debating with myself for quite some time now if I should do this and came to my senses that - Yes, I will do this.
I want to live for the revolution, fight to enlighten the area of mental disorders and destroy the stigma that comes along with it. It's pretty much my biggest motivation to why I decided to become a nurse; to help people not only with their physical disorders but also with their mental disorders. Through out my education, I've come to notice that your mind, body and soul goes along well with each other to later on be able to heal your body. It's rather complicated, but I'll to explain it as simple as possible:
A lot of times, when you're enduring physical pain from example an injury or disease, your mental health takes a toll. And you need a strong mind with motivation to be able to pursue a quick and successful recovery. As a nurse, we make sure to not only look after your body, but also to help you out with those mental factors, help you if you feel down, catch up on every little clue when it comes to the care and nursing for you. Just to help your pursue the feeling of health and happiness.
It's rather difficult though, when it comes to mental disorders. There's a huge stigma around it. People who suffer from it have, probably one too many times, heard the words "just be happy" or "you're just doing this for attention". Trust me, after hearing those words during a long period of time, you could even start believing in them yourself which will make it even harder to look for help, cause - "i only feel this way cause I want attention".
So for me. it's really important to highlight psychiatric disorders, let people know that it's okay to have them, that they're not alone and that there's nothing wrong with you. It's an illness that you usually can't help but having. And that you're worth every single chance and opportunity of help that exist. Cause you're worth a lot. You're a person. A person who, just like anyone else, has a life, dreams and deserves all the chances he or she can get in order to pursue health. Cause everyone deserves to be happy.
I myself have lived with mental disorders for a long time. My parents told me once at a psychiatrist meeting, that they've noticed signs of depression since I was 7 years old. When I was 10, I started thinking about suicide. At the age of 11, I started to self harm. At the age of 17, I dared to ask for help. And that was the best thing that I've ever done. I was so afraid and I didn't believe that I deserved the help since I didn't find my life worthy of living. But I finally opened up to my parents and told them how bad my mental state actually was. I think that they've had an idea for quite some time since I've been having some meetings in school because I felt "sad", but this is where I really asked for help and where my life finally took a turn for the better.
My mother followed me to a child psychiatrist where I went weekly for appointments. I received anti depressive medication and pills that'd help me for my sleep issues. They even started off an ADHD investigation. Things finally looked good. But once I turned 18 they "abandoned" me I felt really betrayed by the system (I have had some bad experiences with psychiatrists in my earlier days and wasn't too keen to see this one, and finally when I started to change my mind about this, it all took a turn and my trust went down to zero again). I quit taking my medication and I felt terrible for a while. I had gained so much weight, around +20 kg since one of my coping mechanisms was to over eat. I thought that I'd start to take care of this since I felt so bad about my self, my self confidence was below zero.. I started eating less, exercising more. I lost some weight. I continued and lost some more. After getting stuck at 75 kg, I started to restrict badly. I lost maybe 3 more kg and once again, I was stuck. I was dead afraid of gaining back all my weight at this point, since it was so difficult to lose the weight that I had lost.
And so I moved away from home. I was free, no one was watching what I was eating, what I was doing. My eating habits became so bad that I'd start to starve myself which itself would lead to me binge eating. One day, I couldn't take it anymore and started purging. This became an evil circle that could not be stopped, and yes I still struggle with this on this very day. All I can think of is my weight. My self confidence when it comes to my body is so low. I'm living with anxiety and an "easy" depression which causes my self confidence to drop so low that I've started to be overly conscious of my body. I weigh myself twice every day. I'm anxious of gaining weight. And all this anxiety leads to me binge eating. You see my problem here?
For such a long time, I've been embarrassed to speak about this in public. I usually only tell people this that I trust or that I know. Now, a bunch of random people will be able to read this and judge me. It makes my anxiety go through the roof.
But you know what? Why should I be anxious about it? If I think about what I wrote at the top of this text, there's nothing one should be ashamed of. If I want to be able to fight the stigma, fight for the emotional revolution, then why shouldn't I do this?
So hello. I'm a nurse student at age 21 who suffers from depression, anxiety and bulimia. And that's okay. I'm not less worthy than anyone. I'm just as important, cause every life is of equal value. I want to fight the stigma. I want people to understand that it's okay to talk about this, to look for help, to help them accept that - this is you. That your diagnosis is not going to be your identity. I may present myself in this text as someone who suffers from mental disorders, but I'm not going to let that define me.
I'm studying to become a nurse, to be able to help people with their health and make them realize that your mental health is just as important as your physical health and that you deserve to pursue it, no matter who you are, your gender, where you come from or what religion you have. We're all humans with equal worth.
Let's spread the love.
So... I've decided to let this be more of a diary. I will talk about my feelings and what's going on in my head. To work my thoughts into words, to look at them and reflect before I do something stupid. I'm in recovery and will see if this is going to be a good tool for me.