With Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner, I grew excited about being able to see my family and spend quality time with them. I never get to see my dads side of the family very much lately, between school and living three hours from home, so time spent together is precious. However, a familiar anxiety grew deep inside me when I realized that my father might be there. We haven't spoken in 7 months, and with tensions being so high, I was extremely nervous to see him. I was then faced with the internal decision of having to choose to see my family for the holiday's, or hide from him once again. Past experiences and trauma surfaced as I began to reflect on our life together (or lack there of), and I finally made a decision.

As a little girl I put you on a pedestal. I was the "daddy's girl" and you were the dad that would always be there for me, or so I thought. It wasn't until I got older that I was able to see what you were doing all along, and our relationship fell short. Being so young and naive, I could never fully wrap my mind around what you were about.

So to the dad who never chose me,

Thank you.

Thank you for deceiving me. You always had a way of tearing me down, building me up, blinding me from what you really were, and then leaving me shattered. Broken. Because of your games, I now know how to say "no." I know what it means to be independent, and be cautious of who I surround myself with. My senses are heightened because of the way you messed with my head. Trust, is a word I struggle with, and God bless my husband one day, because he will have to work very hard to gain it. Because of you, I question everyone's motives to the point of paranoia. However, it has set my standards extremely high, and now it is not so easy to win me over. Whoever I have let enter my life, has worked very hard to get there, making my friend circle strong, and warm hearted. It has also left me a little more vulnerable, and more compassionate towards others for various reasons. A quality, my friends appreciate.

Thank you for wrecking my self worth. You always commented on my stupidity, my looks, and my goals. I couldn't take one step forward without you dragging me three steps back. I was never good enough for you, and my dreams were met with screams of dissatisfaction. I was scared of you. Of your words, your looks, and even worse, your actions. The way your jaw throbbed at the first sign of anger, that would quickly lead to rage, chilled me to the bone. Only because I knew what my fate was to become.

I never lived up to your standards. Whatever I liked, you stripped from me so quickly. For years I couldn't seem to shake you, and when you spoke, my body froze. This is the closest to paralysis I've ever come to know in my life. In the end, I gained my voice after losing it for so long, and as I enter my early twenties, very little scares or intimidates me anymore. Challenges don't phase me, and I am able to face them head on, and I have your wrath to thank for that. Those times you pulled me three steps back, has become my internal challenge, and instead of stepping forward, I leap. Thank you for building that wall around me, just so I could tear it down, it's taught me to be strong.

Thank you for neglecting me and tearing me down emotionally, mentally, and physically. In the end it has shaped who I am for the better. Because of you, I am so much stronger and wiser than I was. Not because of what you taught me, but because of what you did to me. I now know how to treat others, and how I don't deserve to be treated. I know what I want, and what I am worth.

Thank you for never showing up, when I thought I needed you the most. Luckily, I had a mother whose love saved me from your grip. She took your place for many years, raising me, and setting the example of the woman I was to become. Because you chose materialistic, possessive, things over me, I drew close to her. And she will forever have my heart. She put back all the pieces you broke, and this time....she sealed them with glue, making me indestructible.

Thank you for stepping out of the way for someone else to take your place. Because you chose to leave me behind, and broken, someone else filled your shoes. You stepped down from your title as "dad," and my real father took your spot that you never could seem to fill. Because of him, I am abundantly blessed. I have someone to walk me down the isle, to hold my children, and to bare the name "grandpa," one day. Things you will probably miss out on. Someone who loves me without condition, and provides for me without hesitation. Someone who chose me, and continues to do so each and every day.

I wish I could love you like the father I wish you would be. Unfortunately, I have to choose to keep you at a distance, and go about my life. I am not scared of you, I don't need you, and I will love you from afar, as best I can. This year I will go be with my family for the holiday's, and avoid conversation and awkward eye contact with you (should you choose to show up). I forgive you, but I will forever be cautious of where I walk. For now, I will remain forever thankful for the family I have and the person I have become. I have them because you never chose me, but they did.


The Daughter Who Never Needed You

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

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The Guy Upstairs

As you sit in your room, I can hear you screaming at the T.V for God knows what, and I can’t help but laugh. Four months ago when you dropped everything, and moved seven hours away from home, to come live with the love of your life (AKA my best friend) I didn’t know what to expect. I was excited, and a little nervous to live with my best friend’s boyfriend. You loved her like no other, and in return, I let you steal her away from me and move yourself into our lives. *Que “I Loved Her First” music.*

I was apprehensive at first, because I was afraid of always being the third wheel and becoming that person that got on your nerves 24/7.After all, she’s my best friend, and I was also worried that she would get so close to you that she would soon forget about me. I wasn’t ready to give up “girl talk,” midnight runs to taco bell, chick flicks, and late night sleepovers.However, I was fully ready to accept that life blessed you guys with each other,and you would soon take my place.

However, to my surprise, you proved me wrong. So thank you.

Thank you for being the crazy, loud, over protective,brutally honest (extra) best friend that I never knew I needed. Without knowing it would happen so quickly, we became “siblings by association.” It’s kind of like a brother in law thing, except you’re not married to her yet, and she’s not my blood sister (but might as well be). Therefore, automatically….we’re family. I never knew how much I would appreciate your company, or the way you love my best friend so well.

Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear (even when I really didn’t ask for it), your opinion is something I value. Who else is going to tell me when I’m being obnoxious, or ignorant? Somehow, you’ve mastered the art of listening to all of my long, drawn out stories, all while respecting them and listening patiently. I know I can be a handful, but when my BFF isn’t at home to listen to my nonstop stories, you quickly realized that you were going to have to take her place (at least until she comes home from work). In return, I appreciate when you tell me to shut up, let it go, and move on.Sometimes, I need it.

Thank you for letting me follow you around like a puppy when it’s just us in the house and I’m lonely. Whether it’s invading your space while you kill zombies, or following you to the back porch to hang out and talk (and build small bonfires), you never make me feel unwelcome. I’m sure 90% of the time it’s obnoxious, but I enjoy the company.

Thanks for constantly picking on me, fighting me, or yelling at me, in true “older brother” fashion. Some days I want to kill you, and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. However, whether you’re trying to scare me, or handcuff my hands together, somehow we always end up laughing it off and picking up where we left off (usually calling each other names, and making fun of one another).

Thank you for letting me invade your space when it comes to down time with her. It’s nice knowing I can walk in and talk with both of you with ease. I hate to tell you that I’m probably going to be coming over and doing the same thing when you’re married, in traditional Meredith/Christina style. She’s my person, so get used to it.

Image result for meredith, cristina, derek in bed

Finally, thanks for finding my best friend when you did, and choosing to love her like you do. You came at the perfect time. At first I wasn’t sure how well you’d take care of her heart, but you stepped up to the plate.Moving seven hours away from home to be with her is a sacrifice most people aren’t willing to make, but I am happy you did. She needs you. As much as I never wanted to give her up so quickly, you bring out the best in her. For that, I am thankful. You came in and made all of our lives a little brighter.

I still get my girl time with her. We still have late night talks, watch chick flicks, run to taco bell (at the worst times possible), and decorate the house two months too early. Except now our girl talks are accompanied by occasional sarcastic remarks, and our chick flicks are met with extra commentary throughout the entire movie. We still run to taco bell,because you love it as much as we do. Also, our “two month, too soon”decorating was compromised for a red converse stocking now hanging in the middle of our “Welcome Friends and Family” sign. And our lives as best friends got a little brighter, a little crazier, and a little sweeter.

Thank you for not making me feel like a bother, or a third wheel. I’ve never been so tight with my best friend’s boyfriend. I might have been scared of everything that I was losing when you showed up, but I’ve actually gained more than I thought I would have. She’s still my best friend,and always will be….but now you are too.


The Girl Across the Hall



Coming into college was terrifying as a freshman. I thought I was well prepared, and on my way to tackling my first year at the university. I bought all of my cute dorm room stuff, made my schedule, said good bye to my parents and thought I had it made. Only to realize I was sitting in my room alone for the first two weeks of school. I didn't know anyone coming to school, and I was three hours away from home. So there I sat, in front of my TV with tears in my eyes every night for the first two weeks of my freshman year. Luckily, it didn’t take me long to figure out my place in this crazy place they call college. However, if I could go back in time and give myself some tips and tricks to survive my freshman year, I would say something like this…

Give Yourself a Pat On The Back!

Celebrate! You made it this far, and your journey into adulthood may not be a smooth one, but hey…gotta start somewhere right? You made it through the countless papers, test, graduation speeches, and awkward high school phases, only to figure out that there are more challenges to face right around the corner! Yay! Except now you know how to handle it with grace. So congrats!

Keep an Open Mind

Your first few months on campus can be kind of lonely, so don’t let your anxiety get the best of you and put yourself out there. The payoff is amazing! There are plenty of student organizations to join, and whether you like it or not, you’re going to meet new people one way or another. Might as well be now. If you hate Greek Life, don’t knock it before you try it, because you may be surprised as to where you find yourself in the next few weeks to come. This is a good way to make friends and figure out where you fit!

South Park eric cartman talking speech making friends

Don't Be Afraid to Ask For Help

College is a different environment, and you are going to need help in multiple areas. Yes, this includes calling mom to ask if it's possible to cook ramen in a coffee cup (PSA; it's possible). Going to your professors during their office hours not only looks great on you, but provides you great insight to the class and specific assignments. I've went to my professors in tears before, so if I can do it....so can you! Ask questions in class as well! Nobody knows you, and honestly...nobody cares either. Stupid questions don't exist, not until grad school anyway. So raise your hand, call your parents, and ask your RA any questions you have! Trust me, they understand that you're still learning, so don't try and do it all yourself.

Embrace Change

Change can be the scariest thing in the world sometimes. New people, places, and experiences are overwhelming at times. Face them head on! Embrace it, you're in a new place and it is hard, but soon enough you'll know all the buildings, have your own friend groups, and you'll get used to your professors. Change is how we learn and grow in life and believe it or not....this isn't the first time it's going to happen! Hang in there. Come October you'll be a (semi) pro at the whole freshman thing. Once you get past not wearing your ID around your neck everyday, you've already taken a huge step into the independent life!

you got this pointing bill murray

Enjoy It!

Enjoy being the new kid on campus (along with the other 11 thousand just like you). It doesn't last forever, and you will be off to new adventures soon enough. Don't be too hard on yourself, because actually...being a freshman has its perks! It's the only year you can truly "plead innocence," so use that to your advantage. Believe it or not, freshman and seniors are really the only ones who get special treatment, so consider yourself lucky! Build your GPA up your first year and start off strong, because this year is one of the most important ones for grades! So start off on the right foot. Have fun, and if you're going to be dumb, be smart about it. Also, don't raise your hand to go to the bathroom, just go.



The Sophomore