August 13, 2017

On August 21, 2017 I will have been in a committed relationship for three whole months. It may not seem like a long time, but three months is the longest I have ever been with one person. The first month was magic. The second month was less magical. The third month has been anything but magic. It is hard going from seeing someone everyday since you had met to not seeing them at all. We started off so confident with the 6 hour distance not being an issue. It was only going to be for three months and based on the beginning of our relationship I believed we were strong enough to handle any amount of distance.

But that's the thing about some relationships. In the beginning someone can promise you all of the things you need to hear to feel confident about moving forward. But words are just words until they are put into action. And at first his promises were true. He made me feel so special even though hundreds of miles were between un. But then he stoped making promises. He stopped trying.

I noticed myself falling into old patterns from past relationships. I was ignoring my own happiness in order to make someone else happy. And maybe that is why I have such a hard time with relationships, I am not honest with myself about how I feel. I make excuses for their behavior so I never confront them about the things they do that hurt me. I train them to believe that I will be happy no matter how they treat me. Even when I am verbal about certain issues, I am somehow always the one apologizing. I convince myself that what they have done isn't a big deal; ignoring how it actually made me feel.

August 28, 2017

Since August 17th I have learned so much about myself. On August 17th my boyfriend and I broke up. At first I was sad, not because I had lost him, but because I felt like everything he had told me was a lie. From the very beginning I told him how all of my past relationships had never worked out, and what I needed from him in order to be happy. He made so many promises to never be like the guys who had hurt me. He told me I was special and that all of the guys before him were idiots. But he turned out to be just like them.

I told him that entering into a relationship with him scared me. First, because he was my first boyfriend. And second because I had been hurt by guys before him so badly and I was never in an official relationship with those boys. Therefore, by dating him I was giving him the power to hurt me so much more because I would have been in my first committed relationship. And he promised me he wouldn't hurt me; that he wasn't going anywhere. And then he left. I told him the last guy I was with ended things by not talking to me for five days, and then he did the same thing.

So I learned that it wasn't his departure that hurt me so bad, but that he had hurt me in ways that he promised he wouldn't. From this I started to feel unworthy of love from anyone. Why was it that every guy I started to be happy with just randomly decided to leave? I had a lot of long crying sessions before finally realizing that it all started with me. I was trying so hard to make him happy that I was forgetting to love myself. I was basing my own happiness off of how happy I was making him, and from what I could tell he was never happy with me. I saw that as my own personal fault, that the way I was wasn't enough to make him happy. But I was giving him everything and getting nothing in return, yet still I kept giving.

As soon as we broke up I started to feel like myself again. I didn't feeling like the worthless and dependent person he had turned me into. I started to do things for myself again and I slowly started to see a transformation within and around me. I was finally starting to get my happiness back because I wasn't basing it on anyone but myself.

However painful it was, I don't think I would take back any of it. I learned so much from such a terrible person and it made me stronger than I was before. He hurt me more than any other guy had, and I am thankful he did it sooner rather than later. I was blinded by the lies he told me and I am just happy to have been able to escape when I did.

My advice for any girl or guy in a relationship that is anything less than perfect is to acknowledge your worth. You are worth so much more than someone convincing you that you are worth less than you are. Be brave, be strong, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Sincerely

Natalie

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March 22, 2017

I thought that I had become stronger. That I had finally found happiness and with that, a sense of self worth. But I find myself slowly slipping into old habits. Not as bad as I once was, but that girl that was once so desperate for any kind of attention is still trying to peek her head above the surface.

I started talking to another boy who had once broke my heart. I made excuses saying he didn't mean to, that it was a result of a lack of communication on both ends, maybe he has changed. I wanted to believe all of the things that I was telling myself, but it felt so silly. We were talking for a while but I think my realization moment that he will never be what I need was after one specific snap.

I sent him a photo of something I had painted, after which he responded asking if I actually painted it. Here I am thinking, "Cool! He is actually interested in something that interests me!" Between the time I sent the last response and from when I responded next I had changed from my robe to put on clothes to go to the gym. He no longer had any interest in my painting, but instead sent a sad face saying "Awh, you put on clothes."

Again, how demeaning it felt to know that I could send a million snaps to this boy, but the one he would notice didn't involve any of the qualities I had to be proud of, but instead he would notice my body. He didn't care about any of my talents, skills, ambitions. He wanted one thing and that was never going to change.

So why was I still so distraught when he stopped responding to my snaps? I knew he didn't deserve me, and he knew sure as hell after my responses to his attempts at trying to get me naked that he wasn't going to get anything out of me. But that is when the old me started to creep out. She saw that someone was unhappy with her and she wanted to change that. She was almost willing to give in to something she knew would break her down just to satisfy her craving of needing to feel wanted.

I felt insecure and lacked confidence for a long time in my life. Up until recently I didn't believe that boys thought I was pretty because I was pretty, I believed that it had happened by chance. That I had a good personality so cute boys ignored what I looked like. But that is not the case at all. I have never met one boy who has taken the time to appreciate my personality. And that is really sad if you think about it. But for the first time in a long time I looked in the mirror and I was so incredibly happy with what I saw.

I think that this boy was a minor setback in my progression of self-appreciation. I almost wanted to forget everything I had learned for a moment of fun. But I know that I would have left feeling worthless and insecure. I want someone who isn't going to stop trying once they know that I am not going to sleep with them right off the bat. I want someone who I can have conversations with about something other than being naked. I am more than just my body. I am smart, I am caring, I am compassionate and I have so much love to give someone who deserves it. I look in the mirror now and I see a beautiful girl who is happy with herself. She has accepted her body and her features more than she once had. I know that I deserve more than what I have been given in the past, but sometimes I need a little reminder that I can't keep going back to what broke me.

Sincerely,

Natalie

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March 3, 2017

I haven't written in quite some time. Within that time frame the events that took place could have very easily been formulated into a best selling novel. But I will start with the most recent event. This may take a while...

So the very first guy I ever dated has taken me about a year to get over. He had his good moments and his bad moments. But I think it is true what they say about staying attached to the person you lose your virginity to. Because despite the hell he put me through emotionally, a year later I am still contemplating the "what if's" of our relationship. We will call him Brad in respect to his anonymity. Granted nobody reads these anyways, but just in case.

After we broke up the first time, I slept with the guy who basically broke us up. It was a dick move and I have regretted it ever since. My friends tell me I shouldn't feel bad because Brad was an ass, so he deserved it. But I am not like Brad. And knowing I hurt someone, regardless of if they deserved it never sat well with me.

So after six months without communication, and a few Facebook stalking sessions that informed me Brad had gotten into a relationship about a week after we stopped seeing each other, I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior. I didn't expect a response, and when I never got one I deleted the message thread and went on with my life thinking that I had done all that I could do.

I am not currently seeing anyone, which is new and kind of refreshing. But when I woke up yesterday I had the usual snap from my best friend Alex (23 day streak and going strong). But what caught me off guard was the next notification on my phone. Brad had added me back on snapchat after blocking me a few months prior. Like any girl in the 21st century would, I immediately screen-shotted the notification and sent it to the group message with my two best friends. Deep down I knew what this meant. I know what he wants every time he tries to contact me. He had blocked me on snap when he first got in a relationship. At first I thought it was out of respect for his new girlfriends, but now I know it was to remove me as a temptation so he wouldn't do anything stupid.

I accepted the request because it said I had a snap pending from him. I opened the snap and he told me he was sorry for not responding to my text and that he forgave me for what I did a long time ago. I thanked him and told him I really needed to hear that. At which point he responded with two kissy face emojis. I thought this was strange, but I figured I was overthinking it like I always do and decided to respond simply with, "Miss you. Hope life is treating you well." To this he responding, "Miss you too Nat" So then I stopped responding because what more could come out of talking to my ex while he is in a relationship. That being said I would soon find out that I had set way too high of expectations for the Brad that was now in a relationship.

I stopped responding but he did not. I responded to a few of them simply because I wasn't going to deny a friendship based on the fact he was in a relationship. And clearly he was in love with her so he wouldn't try anything with me. Boy was I wrong... the next snaps I received were three back to back reading, "I miss fucking you," "Is that bad?" "Sorry is that weird?" At this point I stopped responding with snaps and took the conversation to the messaging part of snapchat. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe he had ended things with his girlfriend during the two weeks it had taken him to respond. So I said, "Does your girlfriend know about this?" I shouldn't have been surprised by his response, but I was fucking astonished. Clearly during those two weeks he had just been reliving all of our sexual encounters. Those thoughts brought him back to snap where he could communicate with me and have the reassurance that all message and guilty evidence would be deleted.

To sum things up, basically what his side of the argument consisted of was: "I really miss fucking you, I wanna see your body, your so hot, I miss your body, re-reading our old messages make me want you more, I want to fuck you again, my girlfriend doesn't know, she was asleep when you texted me good thing she didn't see it, my girlfriend and I have sex but not a lot and I miss it with you because you are hot"

Okay, so here's the thing. I have waited LITERAL MONTHS AND MONTHS to hear him say he wants me again. And now that it has actually happened I feel nothing but complete and utter disgust. How in the world can a man that I thought so highly of for no apparent reason at all, turn out to be someone who would ask me to help him cheat on his girlfriend? First of all, this fuckboy Brad never committed to me during the 5 months we were off and on because he was never "ready for a relationship." Which translates to, "I am not ready for a relationship with you specifically." Then he leaves my house one night and a week later I find out he has a new girlfriend. So what exactly was it that made him ready to be in a relationship with her and not me? I cried myself to sleep for weeks confused and hurt by everything that was going on, and he had no idea. It has been almost a year since we met, and I am still dealing with so many conflicted emotions about our entire relationship. And to this day I do not understand how I could be so attached to someone who I spent more time trying to get over than I did falling in love with. And that's another thing, I was a never in love with him. I know that now because love shouldn't hurt that bad. And now here we are: He's begging me to give him what he never appreciated in the first place. Now he is in a relationship with the girl he was ready to commit to but thinking about me, the girl he wasn't ready to commit to. And I don't think I will ever understand that.

I gave him everything. He didn't appreciate it enough, and now here he is asking for more. I have such a complexity of emotions going on in my head. And I think the worst is that tiny little sliver of me that wants to do it. It is not enough to act on it, but what in God's name could be so messed up about me that I would be willing to ruin a relationship just to get the satisfaction of knowing that I could still get what I want from him. And it also hurts me for the girlfriend. It took me months to get over him and we weren't even in an exclusive relationship. They are full on "change my relationship on Facebook and put your name in my Insta bio." The thought of her finding out that he had cheated on her, and her spending months like I did thinking she wasn't good enough hurts me. Because since they are in an exclusive relationship, I think it would hurt her more. And that was the difference between her and I, Brad and I were never exclusive. He could do whatever he wanted and not tell me based on technicality. And deep down I knew he was, but I left before I could find out the truth that he had been "cheating" on me too. Because to me, cheating shouldn't be based off of your relationship title. When you first start seeing someone you enter into an unsaid agreement to respect the other person. And respect means not sleeping with everything that breaths. Sure, some people say that if you are not official it creates a blurry line of what is and isn't acceptable. But to me, that line is pretty fucking solid once you declare to the other person that you have real and true feelings for them.

So I told him, "I don't know how to respond to this because no matter how bad I want to I could never do that to someone." To which he responded with, "okay... sorry" And that's when I knew that I had grown from our past relationship but he was still the same. I was the girl that was single and not planning on cheating on anyone, yet I was also the one who had to tell the boy in a relationship that it wasn't okay for him to cheat on his girlfriend. He was persistent and found no harm in sleeping with me while he was clearly seeing someone else. That's what disgusts me the most. Here I was thinking that everything we had gone through together had shaped him into a man that was ready to commit to someone else; someone who could make another girl happy that wasn't myself. And I believed I changed him because I told him all of the ways he hurt me. And I believed that those things resonated with him, and that after seeing me cry he had made a choice to better himself. And no matter how bad it hurt me to see him happy with another girl, I believed that that was my purpose in his life. To teach him what he couldn't learn on his own. But everything I had believed in was so completely inaccurate. The whole time I thought I was teaching him things and remaining unchanged myself. But from everything, he learned nothing. Instead, I learned more about what a woman deserves and how she ought to be respected. He has not changed. And the fact that I can see that tells me that despite every setback we have had together (me running back and continuously getting hurt) I have grown.

I have grown to be disgusted by his lust. There was a time when being wanted was all I every found important. That when he told me he wanted to fuck me, I was flattered. Now, I realize the disrespect in his actions. He never once came back because he missed me. He didn't miss that I would drive an hour to see him every weekend, even when he wouldn't come see me. He didn't miss the way I ignored his faults, because to me he was perfect. He didn't miss the way that I disregarded my own feeling to make sure he was happy. He didn't miss the way I would rather talk about his problems, even when I was going through a hell in my own head that he had no idea about. He didn't miss the way I would make the first move, because I knew how nervous he was to do it himself. He didn't miss the way I listened when he spoke, and ignored when he gave more attention to his phone than to me. He didn't miss the way that I would make time to come visit, regardless of my busy schedule. And he didn't miss me, the sweet innocent girl who was falling so unbelievably hard for a boy who took advantage of her lack of experience.

I know that I could have loved him. But I am glad I didn't. Because then I would have been the girl in the relationship that had no idea her boyfriend was unsatisfied and looking for love in other places. Sometimes I think my life would have been a hell of a lot less complicated and messy if I had never met Brad. But I am stronger than I once was, and he helped me grow. He taught me things not only about how boys think, but also about myself and what I should find value in. He made me stronger and for that I am thankful. I have made a lot of mistake, but he was not one of them. He was a necessary piece in my board game of life. He was sent to show me that I deserve better. And hell, if a guy is thinking about how hot I am while he is in a relationship with another girl, I must be a lot hotter than I give myself credit for.

In closing, all I have to say is this: Natalie, you sure as hell better not think like a dude and fuck this douchebag.


Sincerely,

Natalie

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January 29, 2017

You walked into the room and now my heart has been stolen.



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January 13, 2017

This week I have been so busy I haven't even had time to think. I met a boy too. This time isn't like the rest. I am not falling head over heels in two seconds like usual and I am proud of myself for that. He came over the other night to watch movies and I won't lie, I was disappointed when we started making out. For once I wanted a guy to be completely fine with just having me lay next to him watching a dumb movie. But boys think with their dicks and that's something that isn't going to change until I find a man. This boy is nice, he is smart, very sweet and I feel like he is a decent person. But I still don't think anything is going to come from it. In little ways he reminds me of the guy I fell for before him. I want to find the guy that makes me forget about all of my past relationships. I want to move forward and I am learning to appreciate how important it is to trust my heart and learn from my past mistakes.

My goal for the next few weeks to to step outside of my shell. I want to put myself out there without feeling afraid of people judging me

Sincerely,

Natalie

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January 8, 2017

Today was a good day. I was happy. I learned that I am becoming less dependent on the attention from the boys around me. I have been talking to this new boy and I am learning how to take matters into my own hands. What I mean by that is that I am not jumping into things assuming he is the greatest human on the planet. Instead, I am being cautious, somewhat guarding my feelings. A lot of people say it is bad to be guarded by I disagree. There is no point in getting invested emotionally with someone if they have completely different intentions. That being said, I am making the rules this time around and not allowing myself to be in situations that will cause me pain and stress. I really do not think this is going to go anywhere with this new boy, but it is nice having someone to talk to and know that I am not letting him have complete control over me.

Sincerely,

Natalie

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January 6, 2017

Today I learned that I can push myself to new limits. Positive self talk works wonders and keeps you in a great frame of mind. Also, keeping busy really helps me to not focus so much on the negatives. Still learning.

Sincerely,

Natalie

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January 5, 2017

Yesterday a guy I used to sleep with asked me why I didn't have a nice guy yet. And then I realized I couldn't answer the question completely. My mom always told me that if I really wanted to I could go out and find someone who would want to be with me. That the only person holding me back was me. I do have a fear of commitment, but I also think that I have deeper rooted insecurities that I don't share. If you were to ask anyone they would probably tell you that I am such a confident person. And based on the way I carry myself I would believe it too. Except for the fact that I know I do not know how to accept love or affection because I truly believe I am not worthy of it. And I think that is why I like sex so much. I think that if I give that part of me to another person then it might establish the type of connection I have been searching for for so long. But sex doesn't provide a sense of self acceptance. And that is what I need. I want to accept myself completely and I am trying so hard to figure out how I am meant to do that. But I feel like I keep hitting dead end after dead end and am getting nowhere. I always end up in the same place because I do not know how to stop my bad habits. I want the next person I have sex with to be someone I am dating. I don't want to have meaningless sex with strangers who don't want to take the time to know me. Because I am starting to realize that I have a lot to give. I have a big heart that I want to be appreciated. All of the guys I have been with may have caused a lot of tears, sleepless nights, and countless empty bottles of alcohol, but they have all taught me lessons. Lessons that I may not have appreciated in the moment, but things I am starting to realize now that I deserve. And for so long it was easy to blame all of my issues on the boys who didn't treat me right. But now I am starting to realize I only have myself to blame. I can't expect guys to respect me when I do not respect myself. And I don't believe in the gender stereotypes that say women should be respected less because they have a lot of sex. Sex is fun and women should not be shamed for that. But for myself personally, I think that the only reason I liked sex was because each time I had it I believed it would get me closer to that connection I was talking about before. I wanted to make whoever I was with happy. I thought giving them sex would make them happy, not because I wanted it, but because I thought it was what they wanted. But now I need to start doing things for myself. I need to keep moving forward by recognizing what I need and what will make me happy. You can only live to please others for so long before you lose yourself completely. I don't want to lose myself again. Because I am finally starting to find that girl I used to like. Step by step.

Sincerely,

Natalie

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January 4, 2017

Today I woke up and I realized one of two things. The first was that I let other people's opinions effect me way too much. And the second was that when given those opinions I immediately contemplate what I did wrong or what I could do differently to make people have better opinions of me. Sometimes this is beneficial, but in the cases involving fuckboys I couldn't be more wrong. I want to be able to walk away when a boy tells me that something that makes me who I am as an individual is wrong, not change the opinion I have of myself in hopes of pleasing him. Just this morning I had to ask a boy if what another boy had said about me was true. And that proved to me that I am not only not confident with myself, but also that I let opinions that shouldn't matter, matter. Because chances are, and most of my experiences have proven this to be true, he is only saying these things in an attempt to free himself from the "relationship" without making himself look like the bad guy. Maybe I am a little crazy when it comes to relationships, but boys create that. They make you feel crazy for doing nice things. They always assume we want relationships for some damn reason even when no talk of such a thing has ever surfaced. So no, I do not want to change the person I am because someone I care about doesn't like it. Everyone in my life is temporary, the only person that will remain in my life 100% of the time is me. I want to make sure I like me before I care what other people think. I want to find validation in myself, not search for it in other people.

Sincerely,

Natalie

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January 3, 2017

Today I realized I have not changed at all. I realized I am a hypocrite to my own discoveries. I know all of these things about people. I know how people are going to make me feel. I know when I am going to get hurt. I know that I give too much to people who don't deserve it. I know I don't give enough to the people who do. And while I am aware of all of these things and more, I continue to put myself in situations that only cause me feelings of self-doubt, regret, foolishness and unease. I want to be able to be strong enough to walk away from the negativity in my life and not go back to it. I want to work on it and I want to learn from my mistakes. I am learning.

Sincerely,

Natalie

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