March 3, 2017
I haven't written in quite some time. Within that time frame the events that took place could have very easily been formulated into a best selling novel. But I will start with the most recent event. This may take a while...
So the very first guy I ever dated has taken me about a year to get over. He had his good moments and his bad moments. But I think it is true what they say about staying attached to the person you lose your virginity to. Because despite the hell he put me through emotionally, a year later I am still contemplating the "what if's" of our relationship. We will call him Brad in respect to his anonymity. Granted nobody reads these anyways, but just in case.
After we broke up the first time, I slept with the guy who basically broke us up. It was a dick move and I have regretted it ever since. My friends tell me I shouldn't feel bad because Brad was an ass, so he deserved it. But I am not like Brad. And knowing I hurt someone, regardless of if they deserved it never sat well with me.
So after six months without communication, and a few Facebook stalking sessions that informed me Brad had gotten into a relationship about a week after we stopped seeing each other, I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior. I didn't expect a response, and when I never got one I deleted the message thread and went on with my life thinking that I had done all that I could do.
I am not currently seeing anyone, which is new and kind of refreshing. But when I woke up yesterday I had the usual snap from my best friend Alex (23 day streak and going strong). But what caught me off guard was the next notification on my phone. Brad had added me back on snapchat after blocking me a few months prior. Like any girl in the 21st century would, I immediately screen-shotted the notification and sent it to the group message with my two best friends. Deep down I knew what this meant. I know what he wants every time he tries to contact me. He had blocked me on snap when he first got in a relationship. At first I thought it was out of respect for his new girlfriends, but now I know it was to remove me as a temptation so he wouldn't do anything stupid.
I accepted the request because it said I had a snap pending from him. I opened the snap and he told me he was sorry for not responding to my text and that he forgave me for what I did a long time ago. I thanked him and told him I really needed to hear that. At which point he responded with two kissy face emojis. I thought this was strange, but I figured I was overthinking it like I always do and decided to respond simply with, "Miss you. Hope life is treating you well." To this he responding, "Miss you too Nat" So then I stopped responding because what more could come out of talking to my ex while he is in a relationship. That being said I would soon find out that I had set way too high of expectations for the Brad that was now in a relationship.
I stopped responding but he did not. I responded to a few of them simply because I wasn't going to deny a friendship based on the fact he was in a relationship. And clearly he was in love with her so he wouldn't try anything with me. Boy was I wrong... the next snaps I received were three back to back reading, "I miss fucking you," "Is that bad?" "Sorry is that weird?" At this point I stopped responding with snaps and took the conversation to the messaging part of snapchat. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe he had ended things with his girlfriend during the two weeks it had taken him to respond. So I said, "Does your girlfriend know about this?" I shouldn't have been surprised by his response, but I was fucking astonished. Clearly during those two weeks he had just been reliving all of our sexual encounters. Those thoughts brought him back to snap where he could communicate with me and have the reassurance that all message and guilty evidence would be deleted.
To sum things up, basically what his side of the argument consisted of was: "I really miss fucking you, I wanna see your body, your so hot, I miss your body, re-reading our old messages make me want you more, I want to fuck you again, my girlfriend doesn't know, she was asleep when you texted me good thing she didn't see it, my girlfriend and I have sex but not a lot and I miss it with you because you are hot"
Okay, so here's the thing. I have waited LITERAL MONTHS AND MONTHS to hear him say he wants me again. And now that it has actually happened I feel nothing but complete and utter disgust. How in the world can a man that I thought so highly of for no apparent reason at all, turn out to be someone who would ask me to help him cheat on his girlfriend? First of all, this fuckboy Brad never committed to me during the 5 months we were off and on because he was never "ready for a relationship." Which translates to, "I am not ready for a relationship with you specifically." Then he leaves my house one night and a week later I find out he has a new girlfriend. So what exactly was it that made him ready to be in a relationship with her and not me? I cried myself to sleep for weeks confused and hurt by everything that was going on, and he had no idea. It has been almost a year since we met, and I am still dealing with so many conflicted emotions about our entire relationship. And to this day I do not understand how I could be so attached to someone who I spent more time trying to get over than I did falling in love with. And that's another thing, I was a never in love with him. I know that now because love shouldn't hurt that bad. And now here we are: He's begging me to give him what he never appreciated in the first place. Now he is in a relationship with the girl he was ready to commit to but thinking about me, the girl he wasn't ready to commit to. And I don't think I will ever understand that.
I gave him everything. He didn't appreciate it enough, and now here he is asking for more. I have such a complexity of emotions going on in my head. And I think the worst is that tiny little sliver of me that wants to do it. It is not enough to act on it, but what in God's name could be so messed up about me that I would be willing to ruin a relationship just to get the satisfaction of knowing that I could still get what I want from him. And it also hurts me for the girlfriend. It took me months to get over him and we weren't even in an exclusive relationship. They are full on "change my relationship on Facebook and put your name in my Insta bio." The thought of her finding out that he had cheated on her, and her spending months like I did thinking she wasn't good enough hurts me. Because since they are in an exclusive relationship, I think it would hurt her more. And that was the difference between her and I, Brad and I were never exclusive. He could do whatever he wanted and not tell me based on technicality. And deep down I knew he was, but I left before I could find out the truth that he had been "cheating" on me too. Because to me, cheating shouldn't be based off of your relationship title. When you first start seeing someone you enter into an unsaid agreement to respect the other person. And respect means not sleeping with everything that breaths. Sure, some people say that if you are not official it creates a blurry line of what is and isn't acceptable. But to me, that line is pretty fucking solid once you declare to the other person that you have real and true feelings for them.
So I told him, "I don't know how to respond to this because no matter how bad I want to I could never do that to someone." To which he responded with, "okay... sorry" And that's when I knew that I had grown from our past relationship but he was still the same. I was the girl that was single and not planning on cheating on anyone, yet I was also the one who had to tell the boy in a relationship that it wasn't okay for him to cheat on his girlfriend. He was persistent and found no harm in sleeping with me while he was clearly seeing someone else. That's what disgusts me the most. Here I was thinking that everything we had gone through together had shaped him into a man that was ready to commit to someone else; someone who could make another girl happy that wasn't myself. And I believed I changed him because I told him all of the ways he hurt me. And I believed that those things resonated with him, and that after seeing me cry he had made a choice to better himself. And no matter how bad it hurt me to see him happy with another girl, I believed that that was my purpose in his life. To teach him what he couldn't learn on his own. But everything I had believed in was so completely inaccurate. The whole time I thought I was teaching him things and remaining unchanged myself. But from everything, he learned nothing. Instead, I learned more about what a woman deserves and how she ought to be respected. He has not changed. And the fact that I can see that tells me that despite every setback we have had together (me running back and continuously getting hurt) I have grown.
I have grown to be disgusted by his lust. There was a time when being wanted was all I every found important. That when he told me he wanted to fuck me, I was flattered. Now, I realize the disrespect in his actions. He never once came back because he missed me. He didn't miss that I would drive an hour to see him every weekend, even when he wouldn't come see me. He didn't miss the way I ignored his faults, because to me he was perfect. He didn't miss the way that I disregarded my own feeling to make sure he was happy. He didn't miss the way I would rather talk about his problems, even when I was going through a hell in my own head that he had no idea about. He didn't miss the way I would make the first move, because I knew how nervous he was to do it himself. He didn't miss the way I listened when he spoke, and ignored when he gave more attention to his phone than to me. He didn't miss the way that I would make time to come visit, regardless of my busy schedule. And he didn't miss me, the sweet innocent girl who was falling so unbelievably hard for a boy who took advantage of her lack of experience.
I know that I could have loved him. But I am glad I didn't. Because then I would have been the girl in the relationship that had no idea her boyfriend was unsatisfied and looking for love in other places. Sometimes I think my life would have been a hell of a lot less complicated and messy if I had never met Brad. But I am stronger than I once was, and he helped me grow. He taught me things not only about how boys think, but also about myself and what I should find value in. He made me stronger and for that I am thankful. I have made a lot of mistake, but he was not one of them. He was a necessary piece in my board game of life. He was sent to show me that I deserve better. And hell, if a guy is thinking about how hot I am while he is in a relationship with another girl, I must be a lot hotter than I give myself credit for.
In closing, all I have to say is this: Natalie, you sure as hell better not think like a dude and fuck this douchebag.