Header

T H O U G H T S 

Pocket squares and cufflinks fills up my favorites in my ASOS app. Mens suit jackets seems to have more to say than any other blazer. Sleek, cocky and yet classy. Black, grey and a touch of white. I find myself seeking after sharp corners and more of a masculine statement.


Fall is knocking on the door and what I know of, school is starting soon which means weekdays are going to be filled with more "doing" than resting my bum on something comfortable day in and day out. Leaves are already changing color in Stockholm, which may not be the most exciting thing for everyone, but I have been looking forward to this moment. The last two years of High school has been a disaster and I have one more year left to make up to it, and I've made few goals that is going to be accomplished this fall. It all contains structure and concentration for my future plans. I am trying to use my ambitions for something good, and I can feel the motivation growing. So this fall is going to be spectacular. One of my smaller goals I've written on my list of compilations for this fall, is reading at least one article per day. Doesn't matter what kind of article it is, as long as the article is interesting and giving. Why I chose this to be one of my compilations is because reading something everyday keeps the brain in check, you always learn something from reading. It could be a new word, more writing skills, new information or learning new names and their purposes. What-so-ever, a small article per day will give a lot. Especially focus that will be needed when you are working on how to accomplish goals so that your carrier of choice will be a part of your future days.


I started on my article thing today, I read an article on Vogue. Of course I read something about politics, which I think is amazing that politics also fills fashions purposes. I read about a change that has happened in the American politics, more women are interested in running for the office. Which apparently is thanks to President Trump, his campaign has given courage to women. Also it seems that before, women didn't really believe in themselves enough that they would candidate. From 2015-2016 there was 920 women given an interested on running for the office. In 2017, there are c 16 000 women that has shown interest on running for the office. What a marvelous change. Somehow President Trump must have given women something to fight for. If I must be honest, personally I gave President Trump a chance for the role that was given to him. Even if I was angry at the results after the election from last year, I did put it a side in the end. Unfortunately President Trump has not shown any remarkable doings that would change any mind from what he really are known for. A businessman with a bad reputation. It is surely amazing that women have courage enough to take more place in this world, especially when it comes to politics. And that is the exact thing I am going to do this fall when school starts. Take my place in this world. I am going to walk towards my future with pointy heels, men's accessories and of course everything with classiness. Despite all the inner work like focus, attendees and enough sleep I am going to introduce more masculinity in to my life. It means that my attitude is going to be professional, hard, all black coffee and cockiness.


I've lost myself along the road too many times and it has done more damage than I believed I could handle. I must thank Sweden for it's great possibilities for education. I have a chance after high school to take few classes that I failed so I can create the best certification and prepare myself for university. I've putted high stakes on myself which scares me. Fear is one the most dangerous things in our world, it makes us to doubt on our selfs. Destroys our believes and drowns our dreams and ambition. It makes us to give up and turn around. I am afraid that in some point, I'll convince myself that where I live and what I do is enough for me. Settle down for enough. Settle for limits that aren't mine, settle for a world where I don't belong and settle for a good enough carrier. One day I wanna walk into a penthouse in Upper East side and breath in the bad New York air, be wealthy and be a National economist with a strong political interest. It is a very common dream to be wealthy, and usually it is for the same reason like everybody else's. What I mean, is that people don't often want to become wealthy because of good cause. It is a very selfish reason most of the time. I had a interesting conversation with my friend about capitalism, wealth and the so called American dream. She is a socialist and I am a liberal, which means that we had a very hot conversation but yet, interesting. If you mention the word wealth near a strong socialist, you have to either explain yourself or leave. Which is understandable because what wealth is known for is something a socialist is fighting against, and sometimes it is reasonable reasons to fight against. But why do I want to become wealthy and accomplish the American dream- that doesn't really hold on to it's purpose. Why do I want my bank account filled with zeros after other numbers? for what cause do I want to become wealthy?

It sounds so Wall street kind of thing to say, “I want to become wealthy”. The truth is, we sold our souls to Benjamin Franklin a long time ago. And we are laying in the bed we made, our world is controlled by numbers and green papers that tells us our capital. Money defines different things, either you when it comes to that other people defines you, the influence of a company is all about how wide their economic capital is and the market we have is all about who has the money, and the subject/s who has the money are the ones who also takes care of the Global market. You see, you can tell yourself how money isn’t important to you and you are not dependent on money. Everything around you is built by the influence of money, it doesn't always mean material things. You need money so you can a have roof over your head, so you can feed yourself, buss card or a car that takes you to work so you can pay for everything and then you need to go to the doctor or to the dental center that also cost money so that they who gives you that service you need get payed so they can live and survive like everybody else. In the building you live in, work at, roads you walk on and food stores are all constructed by somebody or some company that has money to build everything or the government that also depends on money. Our world needs money because it defines every factor that exists. It is a very sad picture yes, but it also depends on you. How you control your personal capital. People get wealthy and buy expensive cars and labels, instead of investing that money on things that affects our world on a healthy way.


I believe that one person can do more change in our little world than it believes it can. I am leaving the volunteer work for other people to do. Since I was only a child I have always wanted to have a foster kid somewhere in the world who I would exchange letters with and help the child of course. I believe my friend called it, the typical "Great white man under rescue". I do understand her meaning why she said it and what is means. But I am thinking in a larger picture. One day with all the wealth I have, all the money that I don't need, I want to build a school somewhere where young people are in need of help. The most vulnerable and poor children that shows potential in education are going to be given a chance, the same chance every child in Sweden gets. Education is the key to knowledge, and knowledge is the most powerful tool you can have. Education and knowledge gives more to our world than anything else. Education is the key to a life of your choice. I want to build a community where children lives, get feed and learn. Help them to grow ambitions and dreams out of their potentials they have. I know that the majority who reads this will think crazy, but it is something I want to do one day. I think that everyone should get a fair chance to education, to life and to be able to be apart of our world and everyone should be able to be a part of the society's development. Your wealth can do so much great in our world, that is also the purpose. Inspire other people to not throw the money away on something stupid that only satisfies you and the capital market. They could do something good with it, give money away so someone out there can fulfill it needs. Put $ 4 000 on Gucci or put that money on education for someone who needs it? We all make our own choices, we design our own life. So, my masculine attitude has nothing to do with “the Man” or anything manlike like my computer's dictionary says it does. Being masculine doesn’t need to mean that you are a man or anything like a man. I find a different meaning behind that word. Formal wear, class, ambitions, strait forward thinking, manners, grace, discipline, structure, professional and on point attitude. Expressed in both verbally and by body language. I am starting from my education, small steps to something greater and the right attitude will help on the way. The right attitude means that you fight for not giving up, expressing yourself as strong.


But writing about it, the big dream, it is scary and I doubt on myself a little bit. Is it allowed to dream? Allowed to take a place in this world, own the place and to own yourself. If people tell me that wearing high heels to school is wrong, then everyone out there will think my career and future plans is crazy and exaggerative. Something I have learned in my eighteen years is that you can be powerful if you want to be, and that everyone is always trying to tell you to not be powerful. Instead they try to lead you to the mainstream flow, tells you to settle for enough like everyone else does. They mock you for wanting more, wanting to reach after the greater good. I did take that advice, followed the flow and accepted my situation and gave up on fighting for more and it didn’t work. It hasn’t led me anywhere else than chasing my own tail. So, the masculine attitude is only a baby step to something great. But it is a part of the develop, progress to something more fulfilling than enough. What we need to understand and be able to handle is the obstacles that will cross us, and the greatest of them all is money.


Blog using your mobile phone - One of the best blogging apps on the market - click here!

Likes

Comments

T H O U G H T S 

First it's denial, telling yourself that you can do better. You are stronger and you can leave him without giving any expression that could tell the words your not speaking. Then it takes only few days when the feelings wins over your stubbornness. And here I sit in my balcony in the sunny Stockholm, life in a good shape and I have everything I need. But how does it come that this person affects my life that much, that I sit here feeling unhappy even if every puzzle piece is in it's very place. Finnish artist (Jenni Vartianen) playing in the background, and funny enough, my Spotify playlist started to play her songs automatically in the airplane on my way back home, even if I haven't downloaded any of her songs or even listen to her on Spotify. I hate the fact that she's playing in the background because the only reason her songs are filling my living room and out to the neighborhood in this very moment is because it reminds me of the last week I spent in Finland. When did I become this person?

This is nothing like the feelings I started to feel for the guy I dated a year ago. That was feelings built up from nothing, these feelings that I am currently speaking of has been active since I don't even know when. It has been a long time that I can tell. The other guy from a year ago kind of left me and it did hurt, but this, my feelings left untouched, not welcomed, it's weird and uncomfortable. I am waiting for it to go away. It's the same thing every time we separate, tho this time it may have been more dramatic. But it's always the same desperation, I search after him on social media, waiting after some kind of a sign. Even after he left me on the patio few days ago I hoped for him to return, searching after car noises. And it is getting tiring. I am obsessed and it's not sexually like I wrote about in one of the older posts (http://nouw.com/siljascorner/desireinfrenchkisses-30515584) this is completely different. He is not destructive like the other guy I wrote about, he is nothing I am used to. He is better than I ever thought, and I am afraid that he will be the only good one. Please tell me that I am not crazy.

I threw myself over him and I couldn't help it either. I've hidden everything for years and now it's out there. I don't understand any of it, my feelings for him and how he can affect me so strongly. Before I left for Finland I did set up a goal. That I would finally tell him about my affects for him. And so I did, and everything else I expected or hoped for was my fault. I guess that I should be proud over myself, for not chickening out and hiding, what I usually do when it comes to emotions. I did embarrass myself fully and that will never happen again.

Listen to these songs by Jenni V, Duran Duran and Ihmisten edessä.

Likes

Comments

T H O U G H T S 

Sitting here in the airplane on my way to Helsinki with my French Vogue in my lap, inspired by the new female reform that is showing on page 131. Two beautiful Breast steering at me and I admire those women who doesn't shame for showing some skin. Me having a night out played ruff when I get judged from having my (extraordinary) Breast showing some cleavage from my blazer. I am getting tired of all the shaming here and there, yes it is just Breasts, don't you own any? That's too bad. You have your own priorities but own yourself. With all meaning, dress however you like but don't cover anything because of fear. Fear of being looked at, judged for some unreasonable reason. In our world you'll never be good enough if you ask anyone else, so don't. Go out there and let people judge you, they will do it anyways no matter how you look. You'll never please the mankind enough. So please yourself.

You know the well known quote "If I would get a penny for every time..." well, if I would get a penny for every time someone commenting or questioning my choice of shoes, I could quit my job right now and live on that income. I don't know if it just the Scandinavians that doesn't wear stilettos on every day basis but when I visited the lovely New York nobody didn't even notice. Believe me I was relived, like I hadn't taken a breath for a while and finally felt the crispy November air in my lungs. Relived that I didn't need to try to ignore people looking at me. Specially Stockholm, that has many good reasons to love the city, but there is a strict dress code and it depends of course which part of the city you live in. But the number one rule is that you should never dress up to much even if it is a special occasion, better less than too much. Maybe uncluttered is the right word for Swedish dress code.

Being yourself is a hard job but better that than trying to impress the six billion people living in the same planet.


Likes

Comments

T H O U G H T S 

Think outside the dreams and ambitions you have, how will your life really turn out? Because lately I have been speculating on me and my life. I have so much ambitions and dreams I wan't to achieve, but the way there is so bumpy and complicated to go through. There is a lot that makes it harder to go forward, more obstacles than distraction really. This spring like I mentioned in my last post, I separated from my mother and it disturbed my studies a lot and it is hard to put your mind away from such a dramatic life event. I hate to use excuses as reasons, tho this is a very complex reason to why I failed this school year. And now that I am free from all the disturbing distraction I used to have I am going to put all effort on making the last year in high school to count. But still, I missed the first two years.

I want so much out of this life, and I am so frustrated on how my life actually looks like now. I am trying to figure out how to move forward, how can i gain my grades back? where to study and what to study. What will I actually accomplish, will I become a politician one day? will I meet the man who will brighten up my life a little bit extra and will I ever become the mother, the person I want to become? or wish to become. The one thing I know is that this year, will be a changing point in my life. It's not a new chapter in my life, it's a new bloody book. I am a new person, iv'e grown, I will change my name that identifies me more, travels and different family situations that just fits better in to the life I currently have. Because iv'e learned that who you are today, will affect on the twenty years older you.

Likes

Comments

It is 9.41 pm on a breezy Monday evening, i sit on a park bench near my neighborhood. After my eighteenth birthday, the last month has been changing. I'v taken the adult thing very seriously, but for the first time i've felt young. It is hard to explain what I exactly mean, people have always expected me to be older, act older and to know better. Couple of months ago I decided do exclude a person from my life because that person caused unhappiness around me that also took affect on me. It was a huge life decision because that person was my mother. After the separation i started to feel free, in a weird way cause I didn't have the burden on me which was me trying to act mature. My mother had such a hard grip on me and she treated her family with dishonor, manipulating and disrespecting the people who loved her. So I decided to live without her which (believe me) was hard at first, scary for the most. I had never imagined a life without my mother and the subject is still quite raw, but i definitely don't regret it. Without her affect on my life, I can freely choose which path I am going to take, the kind of people I want to be surrounded with and what I am going to do with every single minute of my life which is a particular thing. A real feeling of freedom. I am not tied to an expectation to act older or to be better because of somebody others needs.

And today, i felt changing. A step forward, that changing feeling is not stopping. Instead it's moving and developing. I am starting to know me, my patterns and my strong & weak parts. Today I got to know one of my weak parts a little better. Destructiveness. Oh Lord it is seductive, tastes good and calls my body to goosebumps. If I would loos everything good in my life my knees would fall for everything the big book forbids. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be to concentrated on my goals and life decisions so I could experience more of the other side. Let me tell you how I discovered this side of me. One month ago, me and my friend went out for few beers and we met two brothers that joined us at a card game. The night (out) ended with that I was kicked out of the bar because of being to drunk and we decided to keep having fun so we went to one of the brothers apartments. The brother who lived there, oh lord he has these wide open ice blue eyes and dark hair, dresses in a black hoodie and he is such a drugster. That man took ecstasy and kissed my body with his tongue licking my skin on fire. His eyes eating my lust for him. And I am trying to figure out why I am spending time on thinking back on the short significant moments we had. What makes me obsessing over him so much? And the only answer I can find is that I am obsessed of the thought and sight of his aura filled with destructiveness. Because it's not feelings (feelings) I feel, like love feelings. Every single nerve in my body shouts sex. These memories frightens me because I am afraid of being obsessed with this man. The thought of him awakes my body, i could easily shut this computer down and go to his place if he would ask for it. And that feeling is not love, no romance involved. It is just lust screaming, and his deep blue eyes that just eats and eats me. I am drown to destructive people.

Likes

Comments