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First it's denial, telling yourself that you can do better. You are stronger and you can leave him without giving any expression that could tell the words your not speaking. Then it takes only few days when the feelings wins over your stubbornness. And here I sit in my balcony in the sunny Stockholm, life in a good shape and I have everything I need. But how does it come that this person affects my life that much, that I sit here feeling unhappy even if every puzzle piece is in it's very place. Finnish artist (Jenni Vartianen) playing in the background, and funny enough, my Spotify playlist started to play her songs automatically in the airplane on my way back home, even if I haven't downloaded any of her songs or even listen to her on Spotify. I hate the fact that she's playing in the background because the only reason her songs are filling my living room and out to the neighborhood in this very moment is because it reminds me of the last week I spent in Finland. When did I become this person?

This is nothing like the feelings I started to feel for the guy I dated a year ago. That was feelings built up from nothing, these feelings that I am currently speaking of has been active since I don't even know when. It has been a long time that I can tell. The other guy from a year ago kind of left me and it did hurt, but this, my feelings left untouched, not welcomed, it's weird and uncomfortable. I am waiting for it to go away. It's the same thing every time we separate, tho this time it may have been more dramatic. But it's always the same desperation, I search after him on social media, waiting after some kind of a sign. Even after he left me on the patio few days ago I hoped for him to return, searching after car noises. And it is getting tiring. I am obsessed and it's not sexually like I wrote about in one of the older posts (http://nouw.com/siljascorner/desireinfrenchkisses-30515584) this is completely different. He is not destructive like the other guy I wrote about, he is nothing I am used to. He is better than I ever thought, and I am afraid that he will be the only good one. Please tell me that I am not crazy.

I threw myself over him and I couldn't help it either. I've hidden everything for years and now it's out there. I don't understand any of it, my feelings for him and how he can affect me so strongly. Before I left for Finland I did set up a goal. That I would finally tell him about my affects for him. And so I did, and everything else I expected or hoped for was my fault. I guess that I should be proud over myself, for not chickening out and hiding, what I usually do when it comes to emotions. I did embarrass myself fully and that will never happen again.

Listen to these songs by Jenni V, Duran Duran and Ihmisten edessä.

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T H O U G H T S 

Sitting here in the airplane on my way to Helsinki with my French Vogue in my lap, inspired by the new female reform that is showing on page 131. Two beautiful Breast steering at me and I admire those women who doesn't shame for showing some skin. Me having a night out played ruff when I get judged from having my (extraordinary) Breast showing some cleavage from my blazer. I am getting tired of all the shaming here and there, yes it is just Breasts, don't you own any? That's too bad. You have your own priorities but own yourself. With all meaning, dress however you like but don't cover anything because of fear. Fear of being looked at, judged for some unreasonable reason. In our world you'll never be good enough if you ask anyone else, so don't. Go out there and let people judge you, they will do it anyways no matter how you look. You'll never please the mankind enough. So please yourself.

You know the well known quote "If I would get a penny for every time..." well, if I would get a penny for every time someone commenting or questioning my choice of shoes, I could quit my job right now and live on that income. I don't know if it just the Scandinavians that doesn't wear stilettos on every day basis but when I visited the lovely New York nobody didn't even notice. Believe me I was relived, like I hadn't taken a breath for a while and finally felt the crispy November air in my lungs. Relived that I didn't need to try to ignore people looking at me. Specially Stockholm, that has many good reasons to love the city, but there is a strict dress code and it depends of course which part of the city you live in. But the number one rule is that you should never dress up to much even if it is a special occasion, better less than too much. Maybe uncluttered is the right word for Swedish dress code.

Being yourself is a hard job but better that than trying to impress the six billion people living in the same planet.


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T H O U G H T S 

Think outside the dreams and ambitions you have, how will your life really turn out? Because lately I have been speculating on me and my life. I have so much ambitions and dreams I wan't to achieve, but the way there is so bumpy and complicated to go through. There is a lot that makes it harder to go forward, more obstacles than distraction really. This spring like I mentioned in my last post, I separated from my mother and it disturbed my studies a lot and it is hard to put your mind away from such a dramatic life event. I hate to use excuses as reasons, tho this is a very complex reason to why I failed this school year. And now that I am free from all the disturbing distraction I used to have I am going to put all effort on making the last year in high school to count. But still, I missed the first two years.

I want so much out of this life, and I am so frustrated on how my life actually looks like now. I am trying to figure out how to move forward, how can i gain my grades back? where to study and what to study. What will I actually accomplish, will I become a politician one day? will I meet the man who will brighten up my life a little bit extra and will I ever become the mother, the person I want to become? or wish to become. The one thing I know is that this year, will be a changing point in my life. It's not a new chapter in my life, it's a new bloody book. I am a new person, iv'e grown, I will change my name that identifies me more, travels and different family situations that just fits better in to the life I currently have. Because iv'e learned that who you are today, will affect on the twenty years older you.

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It is 9.41 pm on a breezy Monday evening, i sit on a park bench near my neighborhood. After my eighteenth birthday, the last month has been changing. I'v taken the adult thing very seriously, but for the first time i've felt young. It is hard to explain what I exactly mean, people have always expected me to be older, act older and to know better. Couple of months ago I decided do exclude a person from my life because that person caused unhappiness around me that also took affect on me. It was a huge life decision because that person was my mother. After the separation i started to feel free, in a weird way cause I didn't have the burden on me which was me trying to act mature. My mother had such a hard grip on me and she treated her family with dishonor, manipulating and disrespecting the people who loved her. So I decided to live without her which (believe me) was hard at first, scary for the most. I had never imagined a life without my mother and the subject is still quite raw, but i definitely don't regret it. Without her affect on my life, I can freely choose which path I am going to take, the kind of people I want to be surrounded with and what I am going to do with every single minute of my life which is a particular thing. A real feeling of freedom. I am not tied to an expectation to act older or to be better because of somebody others needs.

And today, i felt changing. A step forward, that changing feeling is not stopping. Instead it's moving and developing. I am starting to know me, my patterns and my strong & weak parts. Today I got to know one of my weak parts a little better. Destructiveness. Oh Lord it is seductive, tastes good and calls my body to goosebumps. If I would loos everything good in my life my knees would fall for everything the big book forbids. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be to concentrated on my goals and life decisions so I could experience more of the other side. Let me tell you how I discovered this side of me. One month ago, me and my friend went out for few beers and we met two brothers that joined us at a card game. The night (out) ended with that I was kicked out of the bar because of being to drunk and we decided to keep having fun so we went to one of the brothers apartments. The brother who lived there, oh lord he has these wide open ice blue eyes and dark hair, dresses in a black hoodie and he is such a drugster. That man took ecstasy and kissed my body with his tongue licking my skin on fire. His eyes eating my lust for him. And I am trying to figure out why I am spending time on thinking back on the short significant moments we had. What makes me obsessing over him so much? And the only answer I can find is that I am obsessed of the thought and sight of his aura filled with destructiveness. Because it's not feelings (feelings) I feel, like love feelings. Every single nerve in my body shouts sex. These memories frightens me because I am afraid of being obsessed with this man. The thought of him awakes my body, i could easily shut this computer down and go to his place if he would ask for it. And that feeling is not love, no romance involved. It is just lust screaming, and his deep blue eyes that just eats and eats me. I am drown to destructive people.

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T R A V E L

8th december 2016, NY, New York City

There it was. The city i've been missing, the city i've been googling on google maps. The city who never sleeps. From the buss window I spotted the Empire State Building with tiny tears filling up. I've never been this ready for anything this big.

Finally I'm home, hello New York. Cloudy, 4 C+, normal traffic at 11.16 am. The last stop was at 46th street in Manhattan. The first thing my eyes saw was the high buildings, the yellow taxi cabs and of course the smell of the city, air that is sweetened and gassy from all the traffic. I was finally home. I didn't even know what to do, I hadn't planned anything for that day expect to go to Top of the Rock. I had now idea were to go so the maps on my phone was my best friend for the day. It's pretty simpel to guide yourself through the city. The map is divided in to grids, there is streets horizontally and avenues vertically. And the streets and avenues are in order (5th, 6th, 7th etc..) I found myself outside the Empire State building. I leaned over to the building wall like I always do, it's a thing. My mind was set on walking through the fifth avenue. The streets was full of vividly people, you could hear music from every corner, small street stalls where people were bargaining. My heels guided me to wonderland, 5th Avenue. I passed by the beautiful Public Library where I purchased a book and a old poster of Manhattan. The Library is very exclusive, very nice and old, middle of modern boutiques. I haggled myself a pretzel, shopped a little, walked through the whole street until I had Central Park infront of me. My shoes killed my feet so I sat down and enjoyed the sunset by the Central Park. I found myself amazed how I much love I had for this City. Can you love something that much? more than a item, more than a pet. That moment is that kind of moment you want to go back to. The silent moment for yourself watching everything being alive around you. People having their personal reasons why running those streets. The sunset making the sky pink and violet. Being in Sweden just gives me more reasons to be there, middle of everything.

I can tell, that the city just changes after the day hours. When it gets dark, people kind of comes out. The city just woke up. It has it's own stars lightning up the corners and the fashion lurking up. Hun, it's true! the fashion is really alive here. Everyone dresses exquisite and I just blended in. In Stockholm, me walking the streets with black stilett heels and sunglasses is forbidden, I get the question "Why do you wear that?" and I am getting tired of it. Darling, Times Square is wonder. It is all real and bright. My first time in New York I was there with my Godmother and she told me "follow the lights", what she meant by that was that by following the lights I would find Times Square. And so I did, and it just appeared from nowhere. New York is the best by night time. It just surprises you. In one of the schoolbooks it said that the human is constantly seeking competency with others and creates groups after similarities. I denied it at first, but by seeing something else than Stockholm, gives me another perspective on things. I have always tried to not belong to a group (for example: feminism, youngs, a swede etc..) cause I want to be seen as me. Does it sound to weird and complicated? But now I understand that it is true, I seek myself to New York all the time. I want to belong there, to be a part of it.

Love/ Silja

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