First it's denial, telling yourself that you can do better. You are stronger and you can leave him without giving any expression that could tell the words your not speaking. Then it takes only few days when the feelings wins over your stubbornness. And here I sit in my balcony in the sunny Stockholm, life in a good shape and I have everything I need. But how does it come that this person affects my life that much, that I sit here feeling unhappy even if every puzzle piece is in it's very place. Finnish artist (Jenni Vartianen) playing in the background, and funny enough, my Spotify playlist started to play her songs automatically in the airplane on my way back home, even if I haven't downloaded any of her songs or even listen to her on Spotify. I hate the fact that she's playing in the background because the only reason her songs are filling my living room and out to the neighborhood in this very moment is because it reminds me of the last week I spent in Finland. When did I become this person?
This is nothing like the feelings I started to feel for the guy I dated a year ago. That was feelings built up from nothing, these feelings that I am currently speaking of has been active since I don't even know when. It has been a long time that I can tell. The other guy from a year ago kind of left me and it did hurt, but this, my feelings left untouched, not welcomed, it's weird and uncomfortable. I am waiting for it to go away. It's the same thing every time we separate, tho this time it may have been more dramatic. But it's always the same desperation, I search after him on social media, waiting after some kind of a sign. Even after he left me on the patio few days ago I hoped for him to return, searching after car noises. And it is getting tiring. I am obsessed and it's not sexually like I wrote about in one of the older posts (http://nouw.com/siljascorner/desireinfrenchkisses-30515584) this is completely different. He is not destructive like the other guy I wrote about, he is nothing I am used to. He is better than I ever thought, and I am afraid that he will be the only good one. Please tell me that I am not crazy.
I threw myself over him and I couldn't help it either. I've hidden everything for years and now it's out there. I don't understand any of it, my feelings for him and how he can affect me so strongly. Before I left for Finland I did set up a goal. That I would finally tell him about my affects for him. And so I did, and everything else I expected or hoped for was my fault. I guess that I should be proud over myself, for not chickening out and hiding, what I usually do when it comes to emotions. I did embarrass myself fully and that will never happen again.
Listen to these songs by Jenni V, Duran Duran and Ihmisten edessä.