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8th december 2016, NY, New York City

There it was. The city i've been missing, the city i've been googling on google maps. The city who never sleeps. From the buss window I spotted the Empire State Building with tiny tears filling up. I've never been this ready for anything this big.

Finally I'm home, hello New York. Cloudy, 4 C+, normal traffic at 11.16 am. The last stop was at 46th street in Manhattan. The first thing my eyes saw was the high buildings, the yellow taxi cabs and of course the smell of the city, air that is sweetened and gassy from all the traffic. I was finally home. I didn't even know what to do, I hadn't planned anything for that day expect to go to Top of the Rock. I had now idea were to go so the maps on my phone was my best friend for the day. It's pretty simpel to guide yourself through the city. The map is divided in to grids, there is streets horizontally and avenues vertically. And the streets and avenues are in order (5th, 6th, 7th etc..) I found myself outside the Empire State building. I leaned over to the building wall like I always do, it's a thing. My mind was set on walking through the fifth avenue. The streets was full of vividly people, you could hear music from every corner, small street stalls where people were bargaining. My heels guided me to wonderland, 5th Avenue. I passed by the beautiful Public Library where I purchased a book and a old poster of Manhattan. The Library is very exclusive, very nice and old, middle of modern boutiques. I haggled myself a pretzel, shopped a little, walked through the whole street until I had Central Park infront of me. My shoes killed my feet so I sat down and enjoyed the sunset by the Central Park. I found myself amazed how I much love I had for this City. Can you love something that much? more than a item, more than a pet. That moment is that kind of moment you want to go back to. The silent moment for yourself watching everything being alive around you. People having their personal reasons why running those streets. The sunset making the sky pink and violet. Being in Sweden just gives me more reasons to be there, middle of everything.

I can tell, that the city just changes after the day hours. When it gets dark, people kind of comes out. The city just woke up. It has it's own stars lightning up the corners and the fashion lurking up. Hun, it's true! the fashion is really alive here. Everyone dresses exquisite and I just blended in. In Stockholm, me walking the streets with black stilett heels and sunglasses is forbidden, I get the question "Why do you wear that?" and I am getting tired of it. Darling, Times Square is wonder. It is all real and bright. My first time in New York I was there with my Godmother and she told me "follow the lights", what she meant by that was that by following the lights I would find Times Square. And so I did, and it just appeared from nowhere. New York is the best by night time. It just surprises you. In one of the schoolbooks it said that the human is constantly seeking competency with others and creates groups after similarities. I denied it at first, but by seeing something else than Stockholm, gives me another perspective on things. I have always tried to not belong to a group (for example: feminism, youngs, a swede etc..) cause I want to be seen as me. Does it sound to weird and complicated? But now I understand that it is true, I seek myself to New York all the time. I want to belong there, to be a part of it.

Love/ Silja

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Dear reader, I will do this as simpel as I can.

United States is the most important country that exists today. USA stands for 20% of the global market, which says a lot. It means that the majority of our world is depended on USAs market and economy in overall. If anything goes wrong more than just a economic crash (we) are screwed. USA has wide access to nuclear weapons and bottoms that can do bigger harm than even our minds can't imagine. The development our human race has accomplished is huge. Free sexuality is developing into a more accepting direction, women has a stronger voice and all culture is much more accepted. It doesn't matter anymore what skin tone you have our background.

Today 8th November 2016, Vice president Mr. Pence declared Donald J.Trump to the 75th president of United States. Mr. Trump who has said that women doesn't belong in the world of work. "A flat chested woman can't be a 10," he is against people with different background and nationality. He is against disordered people and makes fun of them. His vice president Mr. Pence tells that homosexuals can be persuaded or tempered into heterosexuality. More than half of the American people voted for this man to represent the most powerful country. I want to move to New York City one day, live there and be a part of the country. I feel connected to U.S and taking the country as my homeland even if I don't live there yet. I didn't have a chance to vote but they who did have a chance and didn't, I am disappointed. They had a little chance to make difference and stand up for human rights. This man, Mr.Trump has all access to whatever he wants. Reporters say that he can't do just anything he wants because the kongress won't let him, means that the president is depended of the kongress. Donald Trump has the access to a endless amount of money, he has a status that every one knows about, he has access to nuclear weapons and secret control observations. He has the most powerful power, he can do whatever he wants.

I wrote this post cause I am so angry and frustrated. I have almost no words to this situation. But something I really hope to see is that they who voted for equality, free sexuality, be able to express their background or culture, stand up for what is right, for human rights and our rights to be our selfs. Don't let anyone take that away, man or woman, president or friend.

The election is the ugliest game i've ever seen. Love, Silja

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koTrmin5n0g

-picture from google

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T H O U G H T S 

Dear reader,

I never feel, give sympathy or care. And ones I did all that, #downhill for me. I am tired of being the better one. The one doing right and the one getting hurt. I am tired of getting confused, double signals and complications. I am so tired of people that don't know what they want, and because of that they are making their lives more complicated and the consequences spreads to others than they selfs. I am the one taking them, feeling hurt and left alone. I have been confused about my feelings, what to call them or how to handle them. I had this fantasy of getting into a relationship like in those movies but still not that corny. But still, I was honest the whole way. Told what I thought and felt. I didn't do anything wrong and here I am. So do I need to be an asshole to survive? Do I need to play a game? Honesty should be a priority, the thing getting people and all relationships far. He lied to her, he lied to me and he will lie again. I just wanted something mature. 

So I am back at my feet, feels like it at least. Downloaded the tinder app and cleaned my room. I guess it is a sign of moving on, from whatever it was. I am grateful for my wonderful and supportive friends that i have, and I am grateful for me being honest and mature. I am grateful for me being brave and not having a limited mindset because of fear. Thank God. Pain is meant to be felt.

To the Subject; I don't know how to label my feelings for you. I felt compassion, friendship and competence with you. I want you to regret your decision as I regret my strong expressions.

This is deep af. Love, Silja


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T H O U G H T S 

Oh hello reader, This post will be all about you and your self. Some Tuesday chat.

My purpose is not to tell you whats right and wrong. How to love your self and how to not. But in my opinion the problem is, we listen to others how they live their lives or how they "do it." The part we miss is our selfs. It doesn't matter who you are or who they are, we all are lost in our selfs. Questioning our likes everyday. Society is telling us a lot, but the society is ruled by us. You are controlled by others, and you control others. Example, I admire the subjects shirt, the other day i by the same shirt for my self. The subject admires my shoes, the subject bought the same shoes as I did. I may never know that I inspired the subject, or then I am fully aware about it. But most of the time we affect each other unconsciously. And why many of us sees our selfs as a second class or less worth is cause we have a limited mindset. See your self as perfection. Do your own meaning by that word, la perfection.

Me and my friend decided to take photo shot the other day in the cold 9pm. I dressed in my white high waste pants, a thin lace bra and a old leather jacket. Cars pass by and the drivers take a extra look at my breast, I get positive response. I posted few of these photos on Instagram and damn people were surprised. "Wait, can I se her nipple?", "How dare she?", "damn she's fuckable." A woman commented on one of the photos, "Did you forget your clothes at home?" I laughed my ass off. So this is my respond; I didn't forget my clothes, I wanted to show my body structure, forms and skin. I chose to look sexy for myself, feel myself. I won't cover a thing for someone else's need or want.

I call it self love.

​Thanks to my boo who took these photos in the cold with me.

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T H O U G H T S 

Dear reader, how is life?

"A woman is more dangerous than a loaded pistol."

Feminism. Being a feminist. Calling your self as a feminist. We woman has been fighting for our equality for years, and we have achieved much by doing that. I do not call myself as a feminist, but I do agree a lot when it comes to the ideal thoughts of feminism and the movement. Equality between woman and men, no matter the subject/work/relationship/economics. The part I use of feminism is something that bothers me the most, and it is we women and men who is causing it. Sleeping around. As a woman it is wrong of me to sleep around. I am a slut, a whore, disrespectful and I am dirty. A man, he is a king. A man sleeping around is respected, good being, qualified and get's a clap on the shoulder. You are so good man.

I got a dating app few weeks ago, and started to talk with men. Men who are soldiers, ambitious students, personal trainers, work ethics and travelers. I talked with all of them at the same time, met them and had sex with them. Wonderful sex. Still, nobody expect my friends knew about it. My mother knew too, and she is the reason I wright about this. She told me that meeting up man nr1 on Friday, and meeting up man nr2 on Saturday was way to wrong. I was qualified as a slut, and i didn't show any respect towards myself. Now, i know it's risky of me writhing about this but I need to share my thoughts. I play like a man. I use protection and I enjoy. I do not tell anyone and I do not share anything, (still, expect my closest friends.) I play clean. I know men who sleeps around, dirty way, uses woman for their pleasure and talks about it to everyone he knows. And it is accepting. I will stop caring about everyones opinions. If I am attracted to a man, and wants to sleep with him, then I will with protection, respects and love. You can call me a FuckWoman, a female version of a FuckBoy.


Love, Silja

​Me and my friend enjoying the Old Town in Stockholm. 

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