The nights are the worst. I can't breath and my chest hurts and my body aches. Once I'm asleep I wake up at least once every hour until my alarm kicks off. When I finally get out of bed my eyes are swollen and puffed. My face hurts and my body feels emptied.

Some mornings music helps with the anxiety that still lingers. Some times the strangers on the tram is all the company I need to feel less alone. Sometimes coffee makes me feel alive again.

But then there's mornings like these ones. Where the tears still lingers, where no amount of cold water will be able to calm down my red eyes. Where my breath is shorten and my chest feel stiff. Mornings where I have to stay away from coffee like the flue and music affects my pulse. When the body feels alright because it's drained of energy, while the mind goes in circles thinking about how to survive the day.

I'm on my way to work, I'm on the tram right now and this is my reality. Fighting from starting to cry in front of twenty strangers and fighting the urge to call in sick today. Because I that once I'm at work I'll be alright later on. I'm going to feel needed and do my work. I'm going to be too busy to actually think of anything else and I'm going to go home with a feeling of being pleased with myself.

But that feeling will also be eaten up by a few hours being home alone. I also know that.

..this is my reality right now. I'm not going to sugar coat any of it. In tired of staying away from this place because of fear of been seen as pathetic and sad (even though I would agree with you). But this is my life nowadays. I still hang out with people and I still laugh and do fun things.. I'm just extremely sad and had massive anxiety attacks by the nights.

It's weird. I don't even know when it started or why. My mum tells me I'm depressed. I don't want to believe her. But she says that maybe I should try to take some meds for the anxiety at least. But I don't want to.

I guess the point with this post is that I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to hide the fact that my day to day is a mess right now. That my mood switches from good to horrible in seconds and I'm not in control anymore.

So I guess this is a explanation to why I'm not updating as much as I wished I did, and a quick apology for the possible very depressed future posts. But reality sometimes sucks balls and I don't want to pretend like it doesn't.

I still have good days and there's going to be updates about those days too. But this is a heads up that most of the days are not the happiest nowdays.

But I really hope yours are?

Take care, peace

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"You are taught how powerful words can be. That think before you speak is important and the things you've said you can never take back.
So that's why I'm terrified that I've f'd everything up. Because I never know when to shut the f up."



I'm off work at the moment, but I'm still at my work. I have about 1,5 h dead time at the hotel before I have to stamp in my card again and be at an CPR class that they signed me up on for today (that I had completely forgotten about of course). Two of my coworkers jumped off so I forced Daniel to come back by 1 o'clock so I could have at least one with me. I have no idea who the others are that are signed up and don't feel comfortable with teaming up with a complete stranger out of the blue. #socialanxiety

We had so little guests today at the breakfast that I let my boyfriend walk by and eat for free. Hopefully that was appreciated! It was nice having him around, even though I wasn't allowed to actually stand and chat with him too much.

A sneaky picture I took of him from behind the bar. He's completely focused on playing Pokemon considering we have a Pokegym right outside of our hotel, haha..

Nah, I think I might actually go and steal a cup of coffee or something now. Been sitting here for half a hour now. I can feel how I'm starting to slowly fall asleep sitting here.

Will probably go and steal a piece of candy by the reception while I'm at it!

Take care, peace ✌️



Waiting for the tram to get me to work. Today was the day were I picked up my winter jacket, also wearing a jumper beneath. Still freezing my legs off, but this morning is probably the first one in a long time that I haven't been shaking like a small dog.

Ready for work ✌️



Got a hour here in Falköping and soon getting on the train to take me to Gothenburg!
The train got delayed with just a few minutes, lucky me!

Feeling a bit off and almost sleepy right now, so I have plans to get on the train and sleep a hour.
I think it's the weather that's getting me a headache.