I haven't updated (here at least) since February and coming back now doesn't give me one single drop of anxiety for disappearing like I did.
The reason for taking a break was really clear for me; I needed to find myself again.
I have this way of falling back into this weird place of.. "social media". I feel the need to look like something I'm not. Someone who own expensive things and cares way too much about her looks and tries too much to do amazing things that would impress others and.. and I'm just not like that. Really I'm not.
I'm a very simple person to be honest. Who's dream is to one day go for a 2 day long hiking for vacation simply because I love nature and walking that much. I want to go out and pick flowers for my vase instead of buying them and paint frames for photos by hand because I like to be creative. I like to read books (if I can ever find the patience to read through one) and I like to watch the sunrise and take photos of the sky.
And I realised back in February (probably earlier than that to be honest) how much I lost touch with that person. How much talk there was about boys and dating and looks and hair and clothes and designs and that whole "privileged upperside life".. and I needed a break.
I think Instagram has been the only thing I didn't stop with. Because Instagram is more of a "look back and remember" place for me. Where I put photos of things and moments I've enjoyed and liked. And not just for others eyes, not just for likes. I think it's the only place I genuinely use hashtags for the simple reason to spread smiles for the eyes, and not just to get seen.
That's why I don't get people who posts selfies every week, haha. I mean, I like selfies too but when your Instagram is 80% of your face in different locations but same three expressions and angles, then why?
And that my friends is a very good presentation of whom I became, and why I needed a break. Not that I posted selfies every week, but I got caught up in that personality. That superficial person who cares too much about looks and what other peoples opinion about them, and I needed to get my feet back on the ground. I needed to stop be so superficial and wanting new stuff and saying no to things and opportunities because it wasn't "good enough" or "pretty enough" or didn't resemble a certain look or feeling. (I think we all know what I'm talking about? That very superficial and materialistic way of living?)
So I've been very much alive and much more present in real life lately. Not caring too much and worrying too much. I've been trying new things and enjoying the small things much better. I've stopped wearing makeup (except mascara for work and filling in my eyebrows 'cause otherwise I got none, haha), I've stopped dyeing my hair and letting go of that "my roots are showing" is honestly the best thing ever. I've stopped caring if my hair get messy or curly, I've stopped caring if it rains or not.
I've even traveled more around in Sweden than I ever thought I would this year, considering the income that I have. Probably because I dropped the whole idea of "what's the point of traveling if it's not for an vacation trip", and started taking the train and bus to different cities for the day.
I've even tried to be outside more, on my own, doing nothing. Even if it's just for a walk or sit by the shore and enjoy the sun for a moment, or if it's taking the boat-trip home from work instead of the tram (meaning I have to walk half the way home as well) or it's about taking care about plants or appreciate the life of a wild bird, stopping to enjoy street musicians and listening to different languages of the bus.
I've generally been trying to find myself again.
Don't take me wrong, I still enjoy the talks about hair and boys and clothes, but when it started to get from every angels around me (including myself obviously) I needed to step away.
My boyfriend happened to be the one to keep me on the ground. Maybe because he's the last one who would talk about boys and fashion (haha) to me but he was very much needed in my time of need. He's a very simple guy himself. He has his moments as well, big dreams and up in the sky ideas, but most of the times he's very simple. He enjoys life as it is and take things as they come - while I already worry about what I should do if my future kid tries to smoke pot when they're 22 and how I will afford an operation if I break my knee when I'm 60.
So I've tagged him along with me. On small one-day trips and/or free activities in town. Good thing we enjoy each other's company even without fancy dinners and expensive gifts. Obviously spending a weekend in London with him would be amazing, but spending a weekend with him at his place and the only thing we did for the day was go for a walk, play some "kubb" and make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner isn't much of a difference - I enjoy the time as much either way. And I needed to find that within myself again.
I'm very grateful for having him, but I'm also very impressed by myself how much time I've taken for myself and doing nothing.
In the last months last year I couldn't sit still during a movie without feeling anxious, I was constantly on the phone with someone when I was home and I had no idea what to do when I was off work if no one had time to hang out with me.
Now I find myself following a series on Netflix and actually watching it, I go for walks without someone on the phone or music blasting in my ears, I go out for a coffee on my own middle of the day.
I even find myself talking to strangers in public. Full conversations without any hidden agendas. Just simple small talk because why not. People recommending coffees and cafés, talking about the weather, making a quick joke about something, asking where I've bought my jacket, talking about music, food, hobbies..
I found out by being more on my own I'm being more open to other people. People come up to me more because I'm not blasting music and ignoring the world, because I'm smiling to people on the bus, because I'm not just going from A to B, because I'm probably generally more happy with myself now and therefor happier towards others.
And I love it!
My friends and family are people I'm so comfortable with that I don't feel the need to explain myself to them - we just know that sometimes people need breaks and we are there when they come back. So calling someone today isn't weird or feels off just because we haven't talked for a while or lost contact for a moment, we just catch on like we hanged out yesterday and catch up with everything.
So we will see how much I will update this blog from now on, and what type of turn it will take. If I will write about my day or thoughts and feelings or just post simple posts about things I've enjoyed or write about specific detailed moments that I caught throughout my day.
However it turns out I'm glad to say that I'm doing very good! In the few upcoming weeks I've have some plans booked for me that I'm very excited for. My family and I are staying at a small hotel in Borås for two nights and I'm planning on taking a train somewhere just for the heck of it, and we have an upcoming Afterwork planned and trying to find some free activities going on in town that I probably wouldn't go to that I've decided that I should try out anyway!
So we will see when this blog picks up again, but until then I hope you're doing what makes you happy and if you're not then you should definitely start doing it today.
Take care, peace ✌️