The feeling you get when you don't let it all out. Emotions. Feeling sick to your stomach and close to the edge of throwing up. Sadness, guilt, along with a little bad feeling in your gut. I was told to always listen to my gut, but then again what happens to that is I tend to jump to conclusions or assume or think of the worst of the worst... oh well just go with the flow and step back. Last night, I went to see my grandparents on my dads side, and it was really hard. My grandma isn't doing the best. She can't form long sentences, only small fragments or single words. To see someone getting frustrated and basically trapped inside their own body, is heart breaking. Although, the hurt will not go away and she may not get any better, it was good to see her and just show her how much I care and love her. Always do the world a favor and push through the pain to see what the outcome may be, no matter what. My anxiety was threw the roof, but after seeing her all I could feel is happiness that I got to see her but then again sadness, I hate to see the people I love most struggle. That's one thing I don't think I'll be able to let go of. She's struggling and there's not much I can do, besides showing her I love her and going to see her. As I left my grandparents house last night, I wrote to myself in my notes saying this, "I saw grammy today, it was hard. It's so sad to see her like that. I told her I love her and she said "I love you " back and then she told me that my outfit "just looks so cute." She does have her moments where she struggles with her thoughts but you just have to be patient and just need to go with her. I'm glad I finally saw her. But oh boy I'm trying to so hard to not cry. Because we're on the way back to my dads house and I don't want to cry in front of my dad, I don't want to make him even more sad..." it's sad for us all. I hope grammy knows she isn't alone and we will always love her.

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As cliché as it seems..... love isn't as simple and easy as it comes across. When you love someone you find yourself making sure this person is always okay, not only for them but for yourself as well. To find yourself taking your own love and placing it next to someone else's. Taking your emotions and placing them somewhere. Being vulnerable, and taking a risk to trust someone else with your heart. Before Finn, my current boyfriend, the last person I told I love you to, was my ex. But it was for the wrong reason. I would tell myself, "everyone deserves to be loved," and that's how I convinced myself to not break up with him. I told myself, daily, everyone deserves love. And that's one statement I do believe, but one I shouldn't of used for that particular time. We all have our fuck ups and our moments... all that doesn't matter anymore though. The past, is the past for a reason. The reason being, something that is no longer. Which can be good. Especially for that instance. We all have ideas or past memories we aren't proud of or happy about, but we still have to accept they were once there. Mistakes, experiences, and even ideas can all be concepts we could regret. My ex was one of my many mistakes. As bad as it sounds, I regret dating him. Finn, my current boyfriend, is someone I would be lost without. Someone, who in such a short period of time, is not only an amazing boyfriend but a wonderful best friend. As crazy as it seems, I believe the world made us meet for a real, solid reason. The reason being, or at least one of them may be for him to convey the real concept and meaning of being in love. Showing your true self to someone else and opening up, without being ashamed or wanting to hide anything. The type of person who makes you feel a rush of feeling alive. I love Finn and I don't think I would ever regret or mistake that.! It's easy to love, especially when you're loving your best friend.

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Sometimes I avoid certain aspects of life. Emotions, people, and challenges. My life has consisted of many but yet I still have trouble with coming to conclusions. My mind knows the truth and knows how things are going to end, but my heart feels too weak to actually connect the two. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach many times and I can't seem to stop it. These last few weeks have been hard and stressful. People coming and going. Knowing people may be leaving this world soon but avoiding the conclusion of that, because you aren't comfortable with letting people know how I've been feeling. I am sad, I feel like this isn't new. But I don't want to a burden in people's lives. My problems aren't as big as others, I know that isn't fair to myself but I feel as if I'm just being dramatic. I tend to keep my emotions inside, and it sucks. Such as my grandma with Alzheimer's. I know I need to go see her, but I've been avoiding it because I feel as if I can't handle it. I feel like my emotions will take over and I won't be able to handle myself. It's selfish I know but I don't know what to do. If I go see her I'll be sad which is okay, but I don't want to be sad. No one does. But if I don't go, she may disappear and then I'll regret not seeing her. My heart feels so heavy. Why do bad things happen to good people. I feel trapped beneath anticipation and hurt. Not only the problems with my grandma but family problems, friend problems and drama outside. I'm afraid of what my emotions may come out as, so it may just be better to keep it inside. Sometimes I find myself crying alone, I sit and write alone. Sometimes the best I can do, is be alone at sad times. I've gotten better with communicating my feelings but I still tend to feel uncomfortable and I wish I could change that. I've tried but it won't work. I need to just step back and breathe... 

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