The feeling you get when you don't let it all out. Emotions. Feeling sick to your stomach and close to the edge of throwing up. Sadness, guilt, along with a little bad feeling in your gut. I was told to always listen to my gut, but then again what happens to that is I tend to jump to conclusions or assume or think of the worst of the worst... oh well just go with the flow and step back. Last night, I went to see my grandparents on my dads side, and it was really hard. My grandma isn't doing the best. She can't form long sentences, only small fragments or single words. To see someone getting frustrated and basically trapped inside their own body, is heart breaking. Although, the hurt will not go away and she may not get any better, it was good to see her and just show her how much I care and love her. Always do the world a favor and push through the pain to see what the outcome may be, no matter what. My anxiety was threw the roof, but after seeing her all I could feel is happiness that I got to see her but then again sadness, I hate to see the people I love most struggle. That's one thing I don't think I'll be able to let go of. She's struggling and there's not much I can do, besides showing her I love her and going to see her. As I left my grandparents house last night, I wrote to myself in my notes saying this, "I saw grammy today, it was hard. It's so sad to see her like that. I told her I love her and she said "I love you " back and then she told me that my outfit "just looks so cute." She does have her moments where she struggles with her thoughts but you just have to be patient and just need to go with her. I'm glad I finally saw her. But oh boy I'm trying to so hard to not cry. Because we're on the way back to my dads house and I don't want to cry in front of my dad, I don't want to make him even more sad..." it's sad for us all. I hope grammy knows she isn't alone and we will always love her.
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