Took the bus to Gothenburg on Wednesday. Which surprisingly enough went pretty well. I felt a bit nervous before I got on the bus but as soon as I found myself a seat it felt a bit better. I think it was mostly due to the fact that I didn't have an appointment or anywhere I needed to be at a certain time. Otherwise it probably would've been a disaster! (Which, no thank you). Been feeling a bit under the weather these past few days. My sister spent most of last week tucked up in bed battling a fever and a sore throat. And as I'm turning twenty three next week I hope I don't get sick aswell. My birthday week officially starts on Monday so I really hope the both of us are feeling better by then. I'm having early birthday celebrations with my grandma on Monday and then I think, on either Thuseday or Wednesday, we're going back to our summer house where we are spending midsummer. I'm really happy my birthday falls on midsummer this year. It makes it all feel a bit more festive and I can always pretend the food and celebrations are all for me. I'm making three flower crowns this time. Not sure how long it's going to take me to make them, but I'm sure I'll have time over for cake. My sister and I are making a vegan chocolate cake with "snickers"-topping the day before, which I'm most excited for. Happy early birthday to me!

Blog using your mobile phone - One of the best blogging apps on the market - Click here



If you've read an earlier anxiety related blog post of mine, you'll know all about my plans to go on a bus. However I wasn't feeling confident enough to go through with it and it never happened. But then when I woke up yesterday morning I thought, "you know what? I'm just gonna do it". And I did! I finally did it! For the first time in 4 years I've actually gone on a bus and stayed there for the whole ride. And even though I was feeling slightly terrified and uncomfortable I stepped onto the bus, paid for the journey and found myself a seat. Luckily enough I managed to have picked a bus with not too many passangers. If the station would've been packed with people I probably would've turned around and left. I still don't really feel like I've achieved anything. But I guess it takes time and practice. At least it's a step on the way. I'll allow myself to rest this weekend, maybe read a book or two. I'm hoping this weekend will bring gloomy rainy weather which always makes me feel happy and more relaxed. I kind of feel like having a movie night. Maybe I'll force my family into having a movie marathon with me. With tea and newly made cookies. And I think Broadchurch has started again! I'll need to catch up on that!



Does anyone else wish they could just teleport themselves to where ever it is they are going? Because if I got to pick one superpower it would be teleportation.

In the fall I am supposed to start educating myself towards becoming a florist. However, I am also meant to be able to travel by bus. And this is where my anxiety kicks in. It's not riding a bus in itself that I don't like, it's the thought of having to battle anxiety whilst being on the bus, around other people, having to be somewhere at a certain time. I've been through the same scenario so many times and it always ends the same. The thought of going through with this plan makes me feel utterly terrified. Not just because I don't want to put myself in a situation I know I can't handle, but also because I really don't want to fail. Working in a flower shop for the past year and a half has made me realize how much I want to become a florist. A real florist. Someone who feels confident in their work and knows what they're doing. If I'm going to do this, I want to do it wholeheartedly, knowing I did my best and be able to feel proud of myself. Knowing I can manage to do things by myself and feel fine, and to feel independent. Putting yourself out there is what's meant to make things better. There is this block in my head that won't let me relax and enjoy the though of doing something I love. Anxiety takes over and right now, thinking about the things I'd normally be looking forward to is not even possible. I want to do it at my own pace and not because I feel pressuered. Because it's something I want and not because I should be able to feel better by now. Anxiety does not have an expiration date. No matter how much I wish it did. I know people only pressure me for my own good, but going on bus rides all on my own, is not where I am at right now.



I've suffered from anxiety since the age of 9. I remember my parents having to come get me at school because I wasn't feeling well, there were certain things I would always carry with me just incase I needed them, feeling sick every morning before going to school, not going to school because I just couldn't.

When I'm having an anxiety attack I feel very tense. My hands and feet get cold, my arms feel heavy and sometimes my chest hurts. It feels like my throat closes up and I feel like I'm about to throw up. My heart starts to beat really fast and I can't relax. I also get really sensitive to scents and sounds. Having to deal with all of this when you know you have to be somewhere is a nightmare. And one of the worst things about it is that you can't control it. This usually happens when I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time. But sometimes it sneaks up on me out of nowhere aswell. Dealing with anxiety is the most awful thing I've ever had to experience and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Having to go to a 15 minute appointment at the dentist could instantly turn into a nightmare. Having to cancel plans with a friend last minute because I'm not feeling well. Or even worse, having somebody else having to cancel my plans for me because I'm too shaken up to pick up the phone. I absolutely hate letting people down and I always feel so disappointed with myself for not being able to do something I'd been looking forward to.

On a scale of 1-10 (where 10 is the worst), I'm at about a 3 on a good day. I tend to get very overly stressed about very small and insignificant things. And no matter how much I try I can't seem to stop worrying. I think because I've dealt with this for so many years I've somehow gotten used to feeling this way. For the first couple of years I didn't know why this was happening or why I was feeling this way. It wasn't until I was 16 that I was told I suffered from anxiety. The Swedish word for anxiety is very similar to the word regret. And having no clue what I meant to have anxiety I thought it meant that I was feeling this way because of something I had done that I regretted doing. I remember explaining it to people and it went something along the lines of "I was told I suffer from anxiety but really I just feel nauseous all the time". Because I couldn't think of a single thing that must've caused me to feel this way. When I was about 18 or 19 years old I started reading and watching videos about it and that's when it kind of clicked. When other people explained their situation and how they were feeling it all made sense. "I often feel very uncomfortable around other people" Really? So do I. "My hearts rate goes up and I can't breathe" Yes. "I feel nauseous" You couldn't be more accurate.

I've only ever had 4 panic attacks. (And I don't wish there to be any more of them). The last time I had a panic attack was about 2 years ago so I don't really "suffer" from them. But having experienced one I will tell you now that it is not very pleasant. All 4 times I've started hyperventilating, shaking and right out just panicking. For me the anxiety attacks are worse than the panic attacks I've had. I think because I never really felt nauseous during the panic attacks and I knew it would be over within 15-20 minutes and then I would feel better. It's never been like that with the anxiety attacks. I could go all day having anxiety attack after anxiety attack and not feel any better for the next 10 days to come.

There's been people in my life who for some reason couldn't seem to accept that fact that I struggle with anxiety. I've had people basically telling me to "get it together". I'm doing my best to deal with it and I honestly don't think anybody has the right to tell me otherwise just because it bothers them (for whatever unknown reason there might be). 1 out of 3 people suffer from anxiety and everyone have their different ways of dealing with it and coping methods. And don't ever let anyone make you feel like it's your own fault for having anxiety, because that's just ridiculous!

Coping Methods/How To Calm Down And Stay Relaxed:

Reading - For me, this is a way of escape. Losing yourself in a different universe and worrying about other peoples problems is a whole lot easier than worrying about your own. (Or read something lighthearted and don't worry about anything, that would be the ultimate).

Close my eyes and take deep breaths - This is the first thing I do when I start to feel anxious. However doing this for too long leaves me feeling dizzy and I start hyperventilating instead. So what I like to do is to take a few deep breaths, then breathe like I normally would and then do the deep breaths again.

Try to take my mind of it - I know this is a lot easier said than done, but trying to not think about how you're feeling and focus on something else (in my case it would be to read) is one the things that helps me stay calm. I sometimes try to fool myself into thinking that "No, it's not tomorrow I have to go do that thing, no no, it's next week! Far far away". And other times I try to just go with it and if it doesn't work out and I don't feel well enough I don't have to go. I always try to get to where I'm going though. Otherwise I know it would leave me feeling the exact same way I did last time and then I would feel like I'd already used up my "didn't go" ticket.

Remove myself from the situation - Whenever I'm having an anxiety attack I don't like to be surrounded by other people. If I'm at home I'll go in my bedroom and if I'm at work I'll go in the backroom. I think the reason for why I feel so trapped in vehicles whilst having an anxiety attack is because I know I won't be able to leave. I mean, I couldn't very well just up and leave the car if we're on the motorway could I now.

Making planes - Having more than one thing planned on the same day stresses me out. A couple of weeks ago I had both an appointment at the hairdresser and the dentist and I had to reschedule one of them as this was just not working out for me. (Guess which one I picked). I always try to schedule any appointments that I have on separate days as I know I would probably just end up feeling overwhelmed in the end.

I know I haven't told many people about this blog, but if you happen to stumble upon this blog post and have gone through or are going through a similar thing please leave a comment. Also, I hope this has been helpful even if you're not in this situation, and maybe now understand how people who suffer from anxiety might be feeling. Thank you for reading!

Hope everyone's having a good, non stressful week!