Poems. I've been writing them since I was 10. Saved some for 10 years just to throw them away when I read them again. I decided to post a poem every now and then. Here's two random poems from last year I just stumbled over. I could translate them, but I think it's good Swedish practice to read them if you're trying to learn Swedish :)

Jag drar häftigt efter andan och hjärtat slår dubbla slag när jag ser pusselbiten

Med ditt land

Jag håller hårt om den biten, som om jag höll ihop oss två så länge jag höll den

Som om jag höll i dej

Jag vill viska till den pusselbiten allt som mitt hjärta skriker, jag vill förmedla tankar, känslor och allt jag bär

Du är kanalen som jag kan släppa ut allt genom. Utan dej är allt en kall betongvägg, ett stopp, och det som finns inuti mej svämmar över och har ingenstans att ta vägen

Men i dej fann jag min öppning, en kanal där jag kan låta allt forsa fram.

Medan jag håller pusselbiten lättar det lite, jag känner mej nära dej

När jag släpper den drunknar jag igen.


Den här använda kroppen, utnyttjade slagna, vill jag bort ur

Den känns som en knopp som nån slitit upp med våld, en hårt sluten en som ni trängde in i, i mitten, bände upp varje blad, tryckte utåt dom som ville skydda det som var inåt, bröt dem med våld, tills det enda som var kvar var en uppbruten knopp som gapade som ett öppet köttsår

Nu är jag kvar med den, en uppsliten knopp med blottad mitt och blad som hänger löst i stjälken

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Something I've been thinking about over the years is how God changed me so much from how I was before giving my life in the hands of ChrIst. I sometimes wonder how I could feel so euphoric, so in love with God the first year after giving my life to Him. And I've come to the conclusion that my life and me was so different befor so the change was so big, and it's still as lovely as it was in the beginning but now I'm used to it. This year is not a big radical change from last year.

2012 was the year I gave my life in the hands on Jesus, I admitted all my wrongs and sins, I accepted Him as my saviour, the one who paid my depts. Before that, I just believed in God. I prayed just as much as I do now, I went to church now and then, I even joined a cell group. I was satisfied with life but I felt deep down inside that I was walking in the ditch, and I needed to get up on the road. I knew it was a question of time only. I started to get interested in the Bible and less interested in other things, but I still had something to do.

Tha I had a dream.

I dreamt of a lion, really big one, waking me up while I was sleeping in my couch. I told this to a Christian friend who thought she knew what it meant, she didn't say but she didn't need to either.

I had another dream.

About one or two weeks after the first dream I dreamt of a zoo, and I had to plan the zoo so all the animals would have enough space in it. And the lion had almost no space at all, and someone told me to just walk past the black panther and the leopard, because they would scare me but not hurt me. And I did, but they tried to bite me and attack me so I didn't feel as safe as the voice had said! Then I got to the lion and could make its space a lot bigger. I didn't get it but when telling it to a friend I understood it at the same time as I told it.

Of course one can have dreams. Special ones that keep you awake afterwards, dreams one can never forget and so on, but these dreams were so different, I felt they had a meaning and I couldn't ignore them or forget them. The lion simply was Jesus asking for me to let him in my life. Waking me up and then letting me know he needed more space. And suddenly one evening I felt ready, I prayed; Lord I'm ready, I now give my life to you and let you be the Lord over my life. If I'm going to become a fanatic Christian, so be it!". And a warm wave went through my body. I fell asleep happy and the next morning I knew my life had a whole new meaning.

At this point I was in love with my now husband and afterwards I so wish that part had come either earlier or later because I so would have needed to focus on other things at the time! Anyway he taught me a lot about God which I'm truly thankful for, but all the relationship things could surely have waited a year or two.

When looking back I remember seeing everything in a new light. There was a new beauty in every moment, the nature and all animals seemed so much brighter and clearer just as if I had been awakened. I could listen To the sound of the rain and it would be so wonderful, the sky was so wonderful and the food and not to mention the sudden love I felt for everyone. I guess you can say loving everyone and everything is what came into my life. Really loving. Not forcing oneself to love, or deciding "I'm going to love everyone", but it came naturally. And a will to do God's will as well. Nothing has really changed, but God has changed me so much so everything that was once new and special and made me euphoric is now "old news". I've been living in it for a while. But now and then I still get amazed of God's greatness, His love and His mercy. I have a lot to learn and I'm happy I can put everything in God's hands and trust him in everything. Every experience is forming me to a better person. And when in doubt, I try to go forward and if I succeed (like 1/3 of the times, I mostly give up) I can see God in it afterwards and how it was worth seeking His will.

I was really meant to write that I'm in need of a house, a cat, a dog, a chicken and a lamb. And a boat. I don't know where all the inspiration to write about my beliefs came from.

I guess I need a shower the most right now. Been coughing and sneezing for four days already and had a fever and sweating all day for the same amount of days...

2012 👆🏼



This crazy morning (or is it noon already?) I've already capitulated before the fact that I'm not going to eat my breakfast in peace but with 10 pauses because of the girls. I'm not going to clean the house as I thought (and actually have the energy to do for once) because someone needs to sleep in the baby sling. So... I decided to have my coffee in peace (yes I drink coffee now) (it's actually the best thing that happens before lunch, the mid noon snack and coffee, preferable one of Little's flavoured coffees) and write down some totally unnecessary facts about myself. Things that no one would know unless I told them! Or unless you live with me. I find other people's lists amusing to read to here's mine.

1. I ALWAYS make a mess with the toothpaste while brushing my teeth. It's all over my face, my hair, dripping on my shirt and not to mention the toothbrush and my hand holding it. Doesn't matter how hard I try to keep the toothpaste in my mouth. How do other people do this? Bigger mouths?

2. When I was a kid they called me Babolina for a couple of years. And when I learned my name was Sarah-Sophia I couldn't say either S or R before I was 10 or 11. Just imagine. The struggle was real, people.

3. I love routines. And I need to plan everything in advance, even being spontaneous. Which is why being married to a spontaneous person is very hard. (Example: I've planned dinner for four days ahead. He: let's have pizza! Me: total chaos in my brain, can't handle anything anymore, have to pause and re-plan everything, and after half an hour I'll be ok with pizza but then everyone else don't want it anymore because I had a smaller breakdown... Heh).

4. I'm ridiculously fond of new sorts of chewing gum, face masks and teas on the market. It totally makes my day get one of these. No it actually makes my week.

5. I think I happen to be the person in Finland who drinks the most tea. I've always got a mug going on somewhere. And I wash my 6 decilitre tea mug maybe once a week. This is also why I'm never ill. #immunesystem No actually I'm really non-hygienic with my tea mugs. I'm sorry you had to know.

6. I'm an expert on saying stupid things, awkward things and just acting weird. I too often go writing or saying dumb things and have to regret it (like when I totally burned my favourite singer-songwriter by telling her I like another artist more. Wait what? Only I do that, only I). I wrote a silly message to a radio station and they just happened to read that on air. I participated in a contest to win a trip and wrote the most stupid things why I needed to win that trip and it just went on a page for everyone to read. It just goes on and on. Just be thankful you're not me when you wake up in the night and can't sleep, there'd be too many awkward moments to think about!

7. I've got celiac disease, a thyroid disease, skin problems (when eating gluten), luxation or just very loose joints, which causes my shoulders to dislocate when I go for a walk for example, and asthma! And on top of this I'm somehow an expert on breaking my body. Last year was the first in ten years when I didn't have to go to the hospital (if you don't count a cutting in my finger that needed sewing). How is it even possible? I guess God went to the secondary parts department when he put me together... No just kidding I'm happy I (still) have two legs! 😁

8. And the last fact about me! I'm still afraid of the dark and whenever going down or up a stair and it's dark behind me I run like a pig and I can't have a leg dangling off the bed because demons will eat it.

And this is what I look like without makeup still in my pyjamas with a sleeping baby on me. Writing this post and playing with barbie-dolls with my 3 year old at the same time. I slept quite ok I just look tired no matter what these days.

My daughter "the princess who takes care of babies", with a skirt modified to a top. She's got messy hair and thinks she's got a fever she says.

The nameless baby (we still can't agree on a name). Right now this happy face Is the funniest thing she knows. Just ignore the mess 😁



Raising kids.

I've realised that kids are mean. They say out loud what you wish you're kids would never hear, they compare and they humiliate their best friends and they don't stand up for each other. It's something I'd rather have my kids being without, but I think it's an important experience and that kids learn how to handle every situation by being put into them.

But when the person doing the harm, is an adult?

Trying to raise children with the constant presence of someone who tries to impact the child with ideas of women as objects, their mother as a weak idiot who can't do anything right, poor people as less worth than others, looks is all that matters, racism, male chauvinism, claiming that they're Christian but does everything the opposite of what Christianity teaches, and so on and so on. Trying to constantly shield a child from those kind of ideas becomes exhausting, especially when trying to avoid to ever say a negative word about other people while they/he/she is constantly saying bad things about you. Raising a child with those odds, isn't a piece of cake. I've tried being angry, ignorant, telling the children my point of view, and so on. Eventually I will tell them the truth, but not just yet because they are still children. I can't yet see the outcome of all this, but in the future I'll be happy to hear from my children what I did right and what I should have done differently.

So how do I do it, with this in the background? I'm no longer trying to totally shield and protect them, there will always be strong, manipulative people trying to convince them with their opinions. What I can do is give them an example, show them how I'm handling the situation.

My kids often see me taking shit. Because when it comes to people who try to argue with you or run you over I believe the best thing is to nod and smile.

I believe in humbleness. I believe you feel better at night when you go to sleep if you didn't hurt the other person by losing you're temper (which most likely happens if you argue with someone who already decided they will try to hurt you), but instead don't get into the fight at all. It's really hard when constantly getting accused of untrue things, but it's the best to not try to defend yourself.

So how do I handle taking shit every now and then, or even more often than that? By praying.

By praying for someone who hurt you, (and still is trying to make your children hate you, lies to your children and maybe even tries to take your children from you), you start feeling better and can be a better role model for your children. The first time praying for someone you really hate what he/she is doing is the hardest. It's almost impossible to honestly pray for them to prosper and succeed. Because you know there's nothing they'd hate more that to see you prosper, and they would love to see you fail. Try praying for such a person! But after a while it will do good to you. It will become easier and easier. And after a time you can actually mean what you pray. You will start seeing the person with God's eyes. And eventually you can feel love and affection for someone who does everything to hurt you. It's all God's work. And it works! And this is what I'd like to teach my children, this is how I want them to handle bad people in their lives. This isn't something that can be told to a child I think, they need to see it working themselves. Because, having a son at the age of 11, I see that he doesn't do what I've told him, he does what I'm doing. He doesn't listen much, but he sees and then he does. That's why I don't believe in talking to them and telling them what's true and what's not. They can just watch me, and eventually they will see hating isn't a very satisfying way to handle difficult people.

I'm aware of my children most likely getting very stigmatised by their childhood adults manipulatIng them and acting bad in front of them, but I believe this is the best I can do since it's not in my power to completely shut out these people of our lives. I trust in God to protect them.



Now it's two weeks and four days since I gave birth to a baby for the fifth time in my life. She's a lovely little baby girl and has grown so much, it feels like more than two weeks ago and at the same time it feels like we've had her for only a couple of days.

This time, I'm so sorry for writing this, I felt like I was ripped into two pieces while giving birth. Literally ripped into two pieces, and the baby felt like it was as big as a watermelon. A really big watermelon. That's the feeling when giving birth without pain relief.

Today the middle daughter's godparents visited us with their kids and the godfather held the baby many times and she was so caaalm with him! Why can't she always be like that? She slept quite ok in the noon but in the afternoon/evening she's been so restless :/ 



Yes, I know it's Valentine's Day, but we didn't really celebrate it since we're both broke (but we did go window shopping and found fabulous snowboard jackets, even matching ones so that's a bit romantic). But, I made some really good curry for dinner! And the recipe is of course from Minimalist baker, here's the recipe: http://minimalistbaker.com/thai-yellow-coconut-curry-mango/

And here's what it looks like! Picture borrowed from Minimalist baker.

We had it with parsley on top and served with a salad an basmati rice. I say as my daughter's Philippian godfather; rice is life! So insanely good when cooked the right way.



Today was a shitty day. Lucky me who's got the best kids in the world to cheer me up!

The toddler in her brothers' secret shelter or hut or hiding place... Whatever this is! :D

Even if today wasn't the best of days, I'm so thankful for my family. Maybe even more thankful because I faced a big disappointment and became even more thankful for what I have. Now I'm gonna keep praying that everything is going to fall right in place right on time. Here's a verse from my favourite psalm, Abide with me;

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness
Where is death's sting?
Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me



Today we went for a walk! First time it was warmer than -10 degrees so we could go outside.

This here 👆🏼 saved the day!



My absolute favourite among Finnish pastry. The legend says Runeberg's wife Fredrika came up with the recipe 1850, which can be discussed. They are also sometimes called Fredrika's breasts, by I don't know who but I've seen the name every now and then since I was a child, which can also be discussed, but I found it perfectly suitable to bake them in my baby bubble when all I do is feed my child.

What Wikipedia says:

Runeberg torte is a Finnish pastry flavored with almonds and arrack or rum and it weighs about 100 grams. Raspberry jam inside a sugar ring is commonly placed on top of the tart.

The torte got its name from the Finnish poet Johan Ludwig Runeberg (1804–1877) who, according to legend, enjoyed the torte with punsch for every breakfast. Runeberg tortes are typically eaten only in Finland and are generally available in stores from the beginning of January to Runeberg's birthday on February 5.

I love them, soaked in punsch and really moist with the dough made from ginger bread and cookies and almond meal!



Right now, me and the nameless baby, are spending most of our time right here! Surrounding ourselves with soft blankets, pillows and dim lights. I had a mild engorgement in the breast going on yesterday, but thanks to a hungry baby this morning I've now got soft breasts again! Hallelujah!

I'm afraid introducing the baby to a pacifier and giving her too much bottle was the reason to it. Now in happy I could get it handled without getting a fever and antibiotics and so on.

This here 👆🏼 is a linen heart filled with dry wheat seeds, and when warming that up in the micro wave it's better than any painkiller against the contractions, which by the way are almost gone! I haven't had any since last night.

Today we're going on a checkup to the hospital, to see if the baby is too yellow or if she'll handle the yellowness at home.