Whenever I think I've got it all together, I seem to sooner or later crash and end up in a big, anxious pile of hormones.
Afterwards I can usually laugh about it, especially things I know I was being dramatic about because of hormones, but in the very moment when I'm experiencing it I'm definitely not laughing.

Today I woke up and immediately felt that something's wrong. It's so hard to know whether something is really wrong or if it's just feelings that will pass.
The feeling never left me during the day, it actually got worse. Good for me I could take a walk in the forest all alone, eat some lingonberries and blueberries and what I think was crowberries (very sweet). Go to the library and borrow some books.

I'm so based on feelings, which is so wrong. God is the same every day, basically nothing even changed from yesterday but to me everything is different because of a feeling.

Maybe it's a hypersensitive person thing? I've come to think of that, in combination with hormones of course (if something this pregnancy taught me about hormones and how sneaky and underhand they can be).

This day got me to think of This too shall pass by Ok Go! I used to listen to it a couple of years back.

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Early this morning around 4-5 o'clock I couldn't sleep because of a sweet smell in the bedroom. I thought the husband had poured half a perfume bottle on him and silently chided him for that.

As soon as I got up and walked into the living room I saw the lemon tree flowering, only 5-6 tiny flowers but the scent was everywhere. It's smells absolutely lovely, but as an asthmatic I can't really stand it. It's such a shame. But I simply lifted it outside and sat there in the afternoon and smelled it after mine and the toddler's little walk in the forest.

We got the lemon tree as a wedding gift, or actually we got a gift card but it was the only bigger flower or tree they had in stock so it had to be it. Since we got it I've planted it into a new, bigger pot with new soil especially mixed for lemon trees. I've given it lemon tree fertiliser at least once in two weeks. I guess it liked the treatment since I now counted 90 tiny buds and flowers and beginnings of lemons! I do hope we'll get at least a few more lemons, but I honestly don't know how they will survive the winter.

For now I'll enjoy the flowers :)

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Today I read the last pages of Sofi Oksanen's Utrensning, made vegan stew and painted.

All I can say is Utrensning is by far the most well written, fact filled and stimulating book I've read in a while. There's work behind it, more than you can say about a lot of books on the market. And the work gets paid off, it's so interesting and satisfying to read a book that the author clearly did a lot of research for before writing. Let me just say I've got a good picture of post-was Estonia and a whole new insight of Estonia itself, a country and culture I knew very little little about. Now I almost feel patriotic when thinking about Estonia (exaggerating quite a lot but still, it doesn't feel like a strange country anymore). Another author who manages to write about other cultures and countries so you really feel like you know a lot about the country/culture is Åsne Seierstad. Very pleased to have found another author who does this too.
I'm also happy I read it in Swedish even if the original was written in Finnish, since after the first chapters I just wanted to read, read, read. Reading a book so fast in Finnish wouldn't be possible for me. But definitely gonna read more by Sofi Oksanen and next time in Finnish.

I seem to be in a phase when I only read books by Finnish female authors, recently read a book by Merete Mazzarella (Det enda som egentligen händer oss) and Tove Jansson (Sommarboken). Now gonna continue with poems by Märta Tikkanen to stick with the theme. Hehe.

The vegan stew was fantastic, I feel more like myself when finally being able to eat ginger and garlic again.
Acrylic paint and I can't seem to understand each other. It dries so fast I have to start over all the time, the lines doesn't melt into each other but becomes very sharp and layers on layers. Oil colors are a bit more forgiving. Still I don't have the possibility of letting a painting dry for weeks here in the apartment so I'm doomed to use acrylic colors and need to learn how to do it.

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It seems people in certain circles like to use the words "God's will" quite a lot.

"It's has to be God's will", "according to the Bible it's God's will", and so on. And that the Lord said this and that. I'm no one to tell what really is God's will and what the Lord really said, but I do think that those words are used one or two times too often too. For instance, once I had a very bad anxiety attack, and texted the pastor of my church to pray for me, not mentioning for which reason, and he didn't reply. I simply thought he read my message and prayed. Later on I heard that "the Lord had told" him to not text back since I was just trying to get attention from boys and that's why I texted him. In that case I know that the Lord knew I surely wasn't fishing for attention from a married pastor.

In my case, I'm just too naive to think that my brain works or I could think of any good decisions in different situations so I usually ask people about their opinion on everything. And, sometimes people think that it's God's will to do certain things and when someone says that I almost immediately agree on that too, and later on regret my decision.

Why do people so easily say that "the Lord told me" or "it's God's will"?
I don't know. I don't think I've ever known what's God's will. And after have been Christian for a while, and taken advice from people who like using these terms, I now start getting suspicious whenever I hear those words. They kind of have the opposite effect on me now. I immediately in my mind question whether it really was from God or not. The more people talk, the more they have to say about others and what's right or wrong, the more sceptic I feel towards them. And the same people often leave me more stressed and very chaotic or sad on the inside too. I can't tell why, but some people just seems to spread some kind of disharmony around them. Sadly the same people often have leader positions in church.

I have a friend. He's often quiet when I talk about my problems. He never judges me, never tells me what to do or not, never talk about what other people do or not, but do tell me if I've done something wrong in his opinion. (But the thing is when he thinks I've done wrong it's usually some advice I've taken from other which never felt good).
He never says what's God's will or that the Lord told him things, when he wants me to listen to his opinion on something.
When he prays I can feel God close to me, I feel loved and I feel like I've been a fool trying to do this and that for God's kingdom, I feel like I don't have to do or prove anything before God. I feel peace, and I feel happy. Through the years I've learned that quiet people are maybe the best. I've got maybe two or three friends like this.

Being a Christian is certainly not easy, I understand why it's called the narrow path. You get talked into things, trust the wrong people only because they're Christian and have been for longer and knows more that you, you get judged and you feel guilty at all times. People abuse words from the Bible all the time. It's really hard when the loudest people seems to be the most stupid, but those are the ones who gets heard. And the quiet ones, who's got something to say never gets asked, even if their wisdom is so much bigger.

Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues. (Proverbs 10:19)

This is what I've been thinking about.
While doing Autumn stuff.

Not judging people who talk a lot, because I'm a talker too, can't seem to keep my mouth shut. But when it comes to giving advice, telling people how to live their lives I'm quiet. Because I know I'm no one to say what's wrong and what's right.

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This evening I went shroom hunting with my youngest and my oldest.

The oldest turned out to know quite a lot about mushrooms, even the Latin names of a few (!) I'm so impressed. He also taught me the name of a poisonous one called "destroying angel", which he of course thought was cool.

The youngest one collected small mushrooms into the basket but mostly helped herself with blueberries.

I can not be sure of this, but I think I read somewhere that in Finland we eat more unusual mushrooms than in other Scandinavia. For example the Swedish farmer thought of mushrooms as "poor man's food" in the old days, while in Finland we ate everything we could get for free from nature. Swedes for a long time had a habit of only eating a few well known mushrooms and leaving the rest, while in Finland it always has been very common to eat every eatable mushroom. It this isn't the truth then let me know, but this is what I read a couple of years ago as an answer to why the kind of mushroom called "riska" was eaten in Finland but not in other Scandinavia.

Anyway I found a good riska today, a tallblodriska (Lactarius delicios). Along with chanterelles, black trumpet mushroom (Craterellus cornucopioides), tegelsopp (Leccinum versipelle) and björksopp (Leccinum scabrum). I thought of drying them, but then decided to mix them and fry them. Next time I find more of the black trumpet mushroom and yellowfoot chanterelles I'm definitely gonna mix them and dry them. Or in opposite order.

I'm a happy, satisfied shroom hunter now.



The thing is, I never feel so thankful towards God as when I find good herbs, mushrooms or berries, or anything good in the forest. So tonight I felt really rewarded for no good reason. Of course I wasn't being rewarded, and of course one should be thankful at all times since I have everything I need, but somehow evenings like this God feels more close than ever and it definitely feels like he sees me and knows me. Either it's only me being such a sentimentalist, but when I can really feel the it in my body it's like it's more real. Even if He's there, all the time every day, it's hard to believe sometimes.

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My day in pictures.

It was so chaotic here for a while. It still is, but when we'd had lunch (mushroom soup which my daughter loves) it was at its worst. I kind of let the toddler throw things around until she calmed down herself and we napped ignoring the chaos around us.

In one way I like the picture, it's so honest.

One day I hope I can publish a picture of a more tidy home. Maybe in half a year or so. Because this mess and my slow processing isn't going very well together and I'm in charge of throwing/selling/getting rid of things.

I also like vegetables and natural light. I tend to take pictures of that too.

Other that doing housework, trying to organise books, cameras, paint and stuff, I've produced poems lately. Not quite sure if I'm gonna publish them, but if I do they'll be in Swedish. Even if my readers tend to be 50/50 English speaking and Swedish, I don't feel like translating poems. It will be a good Swedish practicing :)

Sometimes I form poems in my head while driving or being somewhere else than home and think that I'm gonna write it down but when I get home it's already gone. So whenever I'm inspired I immediately write it done on my phone. Result is I've got them all organised and with dates on my phone. How much more clever than writing on paper!

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Ok, this is about to turn into a ordinary mommy blog now.

But I do want to share something scary about pregnancy, since I spent some time at the hospital last night. I suddenly started having contractions in the middle of the night and lied down all scared and didn't dare to get up because in my mind I'd go into labour if I as much as moved, but eventually called the hospital and took some painkillers and calmed down a bit before I went there. Turned out I've had an UTI (urinary tract infection). Again. In the beginning of the pregnancy I had one but haven't ever in my life had that before and didn't recognise any symptoms so I had it until I got a sore back and fever from it. Same thing this time, turns out I've had it for weeks without knowing and now it made my body react this way.

It's so scary a simple and quite common disease can be so dangerous when pregnant.

Before all this, I had a nice evening having tea and talking for hours with Sarah. It happens rarely that I meet up with friends but I'm oh so happy when I do.
And I've got two new books, The little prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and The invisible child by Tove Jansson. After have heard a fantasy-lover again I feel like I should give fantasy a chance, again. But I'm afraid I'm a lost cause, I've tried reading many fantasy books but can't continue after the first three chapters anymore. It's usually written like a chronicle and I don't like it. Then again I love poems, everything from classical love poems to poems you hardly even get. Kind of the opposite to fantasy books.

Third thing on my mind; makeup! Which I haven't used properly for a year or so, but suddenly got interested after my husband (!) started watching makeup tutorials on YouTube and I would secretly have a peek now and then. And now I totally love lipstick. Too bad I own only one, which I bought when playing a slut in a theatre last summer. Eh...

By the way, Selma was screaming all the time while I was taking selfies, if anyone thought mommy-life was ever calm and glamouros. I tried my best to ignore her screaming that she didn't want to go to the toilet before going outside, just smiled and said "oh you have to otherwise your not going outside" and felt like a psychopath mother when taking pictures of myself while she was having a tantrum.

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...recommend some artists that I like, or if you just feel like listening to something else than what the radio plays, here are some inspiring musicians;

Josh Garrels (all the albums)
Ane Brun (Recently discovered)
Angus & Julia Stone (Especially Down the way)
Baaba Maal (Recently discovered the album The traveller)

By the way, belly-baby has got hiccups this very moment.

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It seems to be some kind of a Finnish-Swedish tradition to celebrate the end of the summer cottage season, at the last weekend of August. This evening is traditionally called Venetian evening or festival, Veneziansk in Swedish, and nowadays only celebrated in the Swedish speaking parts of Finland. This is one tradition that makes us who we are if you ask me. Because Finns don't do this (or if they do they've been inspired by the Finnish-Swedish tradition) nor do swedes, it's just us doing this.

As I get older, I keep traditions more and more important and especially Finnish-Swedish traditions. This one usually contains good food, fireworks, colorful lanterns, crawfish and is being celebrated at a summer cottage.
As the name says it origins from Venice, and during the 1900th century it became popular in Finland to have Venetian evenings which contained big bonfires, fireworks and sometimes masquerades and other festivities. As the Swedish-speaking Finns usually spent a lot of time during summer at their summer cottages, and the Venetian evenings wasn't so popular anymore, the traditional Venetian evenings developed into a Goodbye Summer-party traditionally celebrated at the summer cottage, the last weekend of August, but still with all the bonfires, crawfish, lanterns and fireworks.

The legend also says that the bonfires of the Finnish-Swedish Venetian evening comes from when the wives of crawfish fishermen used to put big lanterns or a big fire at the shore to light the way for their husbands when they came back from crawfish collecting.

My Venetian evening or end of summer cottage season contained crawfish and fireworks, colourful lanterns and surprisingly enough one whole bottle of alcohol free white wine. And almost felt drunk too from laughing so much. Unfortunately I didn't take much pictures, but here are some.

The day after, however, I took more pictures. Because I harvested the fruit I love the most and they were perfect, and I got to spend time at sea which I think calmed my soul for weeks ahead.
Also I made a delicious cloudberry cake I have to brag about. Very Finnish in the taste I think, and very good.

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I must be the absolutely only person who's not too impressed, amazed and enchanted by Paulo Coelho.

I've read about five of his books, but had my expectations way higher than I should've. I blame the calendars filled with his quotes and people singing his praises as soon as his books are mentioned.
Somehow they all resemble of each other, which is completely in order since the author is the same, but it's like he got one good idea for a book and now it's repeating itself in every one of his books. I'm talking about the never ending words of wisdom coming from wise characters in the book, aimed towards the main character who always seems to be seeking the Truth of Life or something.

My experience of all the books written by Paulo Coelho I've read so far, is that they have no deeper meaning. It's almost like obvious facts about our behaviour and mentality written down in a poetic language in a book, and people praise it. You can easily read the book in one evening, at the beach, while cooking, while talking in the phone to someone boring, because they require no concentration and they do nothing to your intellect and they give you nothing to think about. If you just want to plow through a book just to kill some time, read Manuscript found in Accra. If you want to be moved, touched, by a book and get something to think about, read something by the Brontë sisters, Åsne Seierstad or Kafka. Or one of my personal favourites; Märta Tikkanen, Marete Mazzarella, Torey Hayden or Joyce Carol Oates. Just kidding, I've got way more favourites than that (I now realised), all depends on what you want to read. There's so many good books, good authors who deserves more appreciation in media than Paulo Coelho. Before I completely butch him I'm going to give one more of his books a chance; By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. Let's see if it can be a memorable one.

Paulo Coelho make good quotes. He is a good author. But people who thinks he is by far the best author of our time and won't stop praising him need to read more. That's my last word about him, unless this book I'm going to read is really something.

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