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I got so inspired today when walking around in the forest! If I've got time I'll make a painting out of this tomorrow. I like these colors more than Autumn colors at the moment. Selma also enjoyed walking around in the snow rather than the slippery icy ground.

I bought my winter boots ten years ago, totally worth the money since I'm still not planning to buy new ones in a while.

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Baby is growing, can't believe it's gonna continue for almost 2 months, we're all enjoying the snow and looking at houses. Dreaming of the perfect home nearby but it doesn't seem to exist.

Every other day I'm a wreck and every other day I'm trying to be positive.

I'd like to recommend some music here. Walk with me by Martha Bass, and There's something in the water by Tom Grennan.

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Selma has been keen on painting a lot lately. Since the oldest son had a surgery last week and has been at home resting we haven't been able to go outside, so we've just done whatever Selma wanted to do inside. Mostly watercolour but I got inspired to do a bigger piece with acryl and I can't even paint with acryl colors so I painted the background and then let Selma loose with the colors and when she got tired and started painting herself I took over and here's the result.

I've never done much abstract painting, I simply thought it was too easy to just play around with colors and always wanted something more stimulating or something that demanded more work, but when being pregnant and tired and my brain gets distracted by kids every other minute this is perfect. Playing around and getting inspired by colors is exactly what it is. And mostly Selma is painting on the same paper as I, which makes it a bit more difficult because I have to make her brushstrokes fit into the end result. It's interesting and stimulating enough and it's all my daughter wants to do inside (other than reading books) o it's perfect. Sadly we're now out of her favourite colour; white (!) Luckily her birthday is coming up soon.

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Something that hit me a couple of weeks ago, and I keep getting reminded of every now and then is how Jesus have become one thing among others in my life.

Someone put it to me this way, lining up a bunch of clementines actually, the first one was my finance or household, the second clementine was my family or life at home, the third recreation, fourth job and education and so on, and the last clementine Jesus. A little bit of going to church on Sundays, meeting people for praying together, a little bit of bible study every once a week and praying for others. An aspect in my life. Not my life, but an aspect, just as important as planning my weeks and planning what to put money on next and what the next move in life might be.

This person, showing me this, took a bowl and said that Jesus wants to be that bowl. Took all the clementines and put them in the bowl one at a time, putting my finance in Jesus, my family, my recreation, my job and so on. My whole life.

It spoke to me and I knew this was what I needed to hear. I needed to know. Ever since I sometimes get reminded or I remind myself to put everything in that bowl, not try to figure it out myself but trust the Lord. It has become my prayer to let Jesus be that bowl in which I put all aspects in life, instead of letting him be one of the aspects.

Not wanting to sound preachy, but I needed to write this down so I can remember it myself and the feeling of seeing things more clearer thanks to this methaphor. Maybe it speaks to someone else, or maybe it was just meant for me that evening. Anyhow I wanted to share it.


Lately we've been loving snow. The sons have been outside building forts, snowmen, snow lanterns and giant snowballs and so on. Me and the youngest daughter have been practising going with sled to the grocery store and around the village while the others have been in school. She's so strong, my youngest one! And it sure feels like the baby is going to become a strong one too, such strength in her kicking.

Now instead of praying for that one specific house I so wish we could buy, I'm gonna put that house and my plans for it in a certain bowl, hihi. And try to remember I put it there, among a lot of other things.

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We've had dinner with friends and family three days in a row, and I've been trying new recipes.

First out on Thursday was and Indian recipe from which I left out the chilli peppers because five kids were dining also, but it was still very hot in my opinion. Chicken Murgh Makhani, with home made naan bread.

On Friday I made Pollo Citronella simply because it was the favourite dish of the family who was coming over. I ate something else because I'm more and more going back to vegan and this also contained gluten so. No picture of that because I don't post pics of other people's kids. But it's a creamy pasta sauce with no other spices than lemon, fresh ginger, fresh turmeric, coriander and salt. For dessert I fell for a recipe with my favourite pumpkin; butternut squash pancakes! So sweet and so Christmassy smell with all the spices! Definitely making those again.

On Friday we also discovered we can fit 4 adults and 9 kids around the table. Do I wish we had a dining room...!

Yeaterday me and my sister made pizza with our kids, everyone got to design their on but me and my sister went for a mozzarella, tomato, pine seed and rucola pizza. It's definitely my favourite. Today I made homemade hamburgers for the family only. And I learned it can be both healthy and cheap if you make them yourself. Made everything from scratch, even the dressing. So I know it didn't contain anything bad and no sugar.

Felt like food blogging since I've tried more new recipes than in a while now the last couple of days. Now I don't plan to cook anything fancy in a while. On Thursday I'm actually the one who gets to eat and not cook when a friend is making Galette. So nice.

Other than food we've been eating tons of sweets we got from our friends who came back from New York this week, can't tell what they contain that makes me nauseous but I'm guessing a lot of corn starch...? Or just a lot of sugar? Or just pregnancy :p

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Today I can't be irritated enough.

The kids are restless, my back is killing me and all I wanted to do was some errands but that couldn't be done either because the toddler has been in a bad mood all day.

On top of all this I get to read more debates about wheter we should have separate toilets for boys and girls or just one toilet for all, wheter we should stop talking about boys and girls and just say humans, and someone adds to the discussion; "there's more than two genders". I guess the third one is hermaphrodite? Because I can clearly tell if the person is a boy or a girl by having a look in their pants if they're not sura themselves. I get so sick and tired of people who can just see things from one angle. To set everything equal for both genders isn't necessarily a good thing for everyone, we are all born different but still the majority of females have qualities that the majority of males doesn't have and the other way around. In sports, for example, in order to make everything equal there should be mixed teams and girls should compete with boys. How big is the chance a girl would ever make it to top ten, or even top twenty? In this case, I find it very comforting that there are separate girls' and boys' teams so I as a girl can even have a chance to touch the ball if playing football for example. And further on there are still old fashioned girls who like being girls and want to see themselves as girls and want to be referred to as "her" and wants to use the word "girl". I still think that I'm worth just as much as a boy, but it strengthens me in my identity knowing that I'm a girl. The whole feminist discussion has taken such proportions and feminism is these days coupled with so much I don't stand for so I can not longer call myself a feminist I'm afraid. I think males and females are of the same worth and just as important and I think women are treated badly everywhere in the world and a lot of things has gone terribly wrong and God did not want it to be like this from the beginning, but I do not believe neither do I support feminism anymore.

And, I'm so ready to get rid of this baby belly right now. Just don't wanna get any bigger. Face is swollen, hands are swollen, throat is burning and back is hurting, ribs feels like they're gonna break any minute and baby is kicking my on bladder. At least my skin is softer than ever.

This is the only good thing I've done today!

...and the son cheered me up a bit by making tiny ghosts for the herb shelf and saving whipped cream and strawberry jam enough for me to have some on my pancakes too. Such sweet kids. Even if I've probably been more irritated today than ever before and everyone has been shocked.

​Still after this really, really bad day I found it in my heart to be so very thankful of all I've got. So very, very thankful (and probably hormonal) because I have everything I need and more. I have faith and I can pray and I can sing my praises to God and His son and nothing makes me happier and more peaceful than feeling closeness to God. I hope I can remind myself of that more often in this stressful world.

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Goes to Bob Dylan! Without a doubt one of the best poets of our times and I admire him for his song texts so much! Couldn't be more satisfied with who got the prize this year.

I can't say that he's the best singer I've heard, but it's the texts and the music that makes it good.

I'm gonna share one of my favourite songs written by Bob Dylan. It's not the most popular and known one but it's the one I like the most, I think.

Shelter from the storm

'Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood

When blackness was a virtue the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured
I'll always do my best for her, on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death, and men who are fighting to be warm
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes an' blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Suddenly I turned around and she was standin' there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Now there's a wall between us, somethin' there's been lost
I took too much for granted, I got my signals crossed
Just to think that it all began on an uneventful morn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Well, the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

I've heard newborn babies wailin' like a mournin' dove
And old men with broken teeth stranded without love
Do I understand your question, man, is it hopeless and forlorn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

In a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation and she gave me a lethal dose
I offered up my innocence I got repaid with scorn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Well, I'm livin' in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

There's of course so much more to say, but I think everyone had a Dylan-period in their life, didn't they? And if you didn't, then please, have one now. I recommend Hurricane, Every grain of sand, Don't think twice and many many mooore...

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This weekend I participated a Scout leading course.
It was nice, even if my condition wasn't the most ideal for these kind of activities, and I learned a lot. Mostly we went through the bases of event management and how to handle crises such as if a scout gets injured or something happens, bullying, conflicts and how to lead a group, group dynamics and so on. On Saturday however we went on a hike. I've never put up a tent with a stove before so that was new for me, like reading maps correctly so I just watched and learned mostly.

The hardest part was walking up a little mountain but the view, the sunset, was lovely. All in all the Finnish nature in Autumn is so beautiful I think. I'd love to go hiking to Lapland but let's see if that will ever happen.

I'm so grateful I could borrow a jacket and warm pants for this event, I would have never made it without since I'm almost always freezing.
Still I felt like a big, fat snail just slowing everyone up.
Usually I'm the one everyone complains about walking too fast. More than once I've found myself alone on a walk or in the forest because the husband simply got tired of me walking 15 metres ahead of him all the time and went back home. Heh. That's a bit disconcerting.
I guess I found my people now, since I for the first time wasn't the fastest walker but the one who almost (just almost!) had troubles keeping up with the rest :)

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Whenever I think I've got it all together, I seem to sooner or later crash and end up in a big, anxious pile of hormones.
Afterwards I can usually laugh about it, especially things I know I was being dramatic about because of hormones, but in the very moment when I'm experiencing it I'm definitely not laughing.

Today I woke up and immediately felt that something's wrong. It's so hard to know whether something is really wrong or if it's just feelings that will pass.
The feeling never left me during the day, it actually got worse. Good for me I could take a walk in the forest all alone, eat some lingonberries and blueberries and what I think was crowberries (very sweet). Go to the library and borrow some books.

I'm so based on feelings, which is so wrong. God is the same every day, basically nothing even changed from yesterday but to me everything is different because of a feeling.

Maybe it's a hypersensitive person thing? I've come to think of that, in combination with hormones of course (if something this pregnancy taught me about hormones and how sneaky and underhand they can be).

This day got me to think of This too shall pass by Ok Go! I used to listen to it a couple of years back.

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Early this morning around 4-5 o'clock I couldn't sleep because of a sweet smell in the bedroom. I thought the husband had poured half a perfume bottle on him and silently chided him for that.

As soon as I got up and walked into the living room I saw the lemon tree flowering, only 5-6 tiny flowers but the scent was everywhere. It's smells absolutely lovely, but as an asthmatic I can't really stand it. It's such a shame. But I simply lifted it outside and sat there in the afternoon and smelled it after mine and the toddler's little walk in the forest.

We got the lemon tree as a wedding gift, or actually we got a gift card but it was the only bigger flower or tree they had in stock so it had to be it. Since we got it I've planted it into a new, bigger pot with new soil especially mixed for lemon trees. I've given it lemon tree fertiliser at least once in two weeks. I guess it liked the treatment since I now counted 90 tiny buds and flowers and beginnings of lemons! I do hope we'll get at least a few more lemons, but I honestly don't know how they will survive the winter.

For now I'll enjoy the flowers :)

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