We've had dinner with friends and family three days in a row, and I've been trying new recipes.

First out on Thursday was and Indian recipe from which I left out the chilli peppers because five kids were dining also, but it was still very hot in my opinion. Chicken Murgh Makhani, with home made naan bread.

On Friday I made Pollo Citronella simply because it was the favourite dish of the family who was coming over. I ate something else because I'm more and more going back to vegan and this also contained gluten so. No picture of that because I don't post pics of other people's kids. But it's a creamy pasta sauce with no other spices than lemon, fresh ginger, fresh turmeric, coriander and salt. For dessert I fell for a recipe with my favourite pumpkin; butternut squash pancakes! So sweet and so Christmassy smell with all the spices! Definitely making those again.

On Friday we also discovered we can fit 4 adults and 9 kids around the table. Do I wish we had a dining room...!

Yeaterday me and my sister made pizza with our kids, everyone got to design their on but me and my sister went for a mozzarella, tomato, pine seed and rucola pizza. It's definitely my favourite. Today I made homemade hamburgers for the family only. And I learned it can be both healthy and cheap if you make them yourself. Made everything from scratch, even the dressing. So I know it didn't contain anything bad and no sugar.

Felt like food blogging since I've tried more new recipes than in a while now the last couple of days. Now I don't plan to cook anything fancy in a while. On Thursday I'm actually the one who gets to eat and not cook when a friend is making Galette. So nice.

Other than food we've been eating tons of sweets we got from our friends who came back from New York this week, can't tell what they contain that makes me nauseous but I'm guessing a lot of corn starch...? Or just a lot of sugar? Or just pregnancy :p

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Today I can't be irritated enough.

The kids are restless, my back is killing me and all I wanted to do was some errands but that couldn't be done either because the toddler has been in a bad mood all day.

On top of all this I get to read more debates about wheter we should have separate toilets for boys and girls or just one toilet for all, wheter we should stop talking about boys and girls and just say humans, and someone adds to the discussion; "there's more than two genders". I guess the third one is hermaphrodite? Because I can clearly tell if the person is a boy or a girl by having a look in their pants if they're not sura themselves. I get so sick and tired of people who can just see things from one angle. To set everything equal for both genders isn't necessarily a good thing for everyone, we are all born different but still the majority of females have qualities that the majority of males doesn't have and the other way around. In sports, for example, in order to make everything equal there should be mixed teams and girls should compete with boys. How big is the chance a girl would ever make it to top ten, or even top twenty? In this case, I find it very comforting that there are separate girls' and boys' teams so I as a girl can even have a chance to touch the ball if playing football for example. And further on there are still old fashioned girls who like being girls and want to see themselves as girls and want to be referred to as "her" and wants to use the word "girl". I still think that I'm worth just as much as a boy, but it strengthens me in my identity knowing that I'm a girl. The whole feminist discussion has taken such proportions and feminism is these days coupled with so much I don't stand for so I can not longer call myself a feminist I'm afraid. I think males and females are of the same worth and just as important and I think women are treated badly everywhere in the world and a lot of things has gone terribly wrong and God did not want it to be like this from the beginning, but I do not believe neither do I support feminism anymore.

And, I'm so ready to get rid of this baby belly right now. Just don't wanna get any bigger. Face is swollen, hands are swollen, throat is burning and back is hurting, ribs feels like they're gonna break any minute and baby is kicking my on bladder. At least my skin is softer than ever.

This is the only good thing I've done today!

...and the son cheered me up a bit by making tiny ghosts for the herb shelf and saving whipped cream and strawberry jam enough for me to have some on my pancakes too. Such sweet kids. Even if I've probably been more irritated today than ever before and everyone has been shocked.

​Still after this really, really bad day I found it in my heart to be so very thankful of all I've got. So very, very thankful (and probably hormonal) because I have everything I need and more. I have faith and I can pray and I can sing my praises to God and His son and nothing makes me happier and more peaceful than feeling closeness to God. I hope I can remind myself of that more often in this stressful world.



Goes to Bob Dylan! Without a doubt one of the best poets of our times and I admire him for his song texts so much! Couldn't be more satisfied with who got the prize this year.

I can't say that he's the best singer I've heard, but it's the texts and the music that makes it good.

I'm gonna share one of my favourite songs written by Bob Dylan. It's not the most popular and known one but it's the one I like the most, I think.

Shelter from the storm

'Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood

When blackness was a virtue the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured
I'll always do my best for her, on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death, and men who are fighting to be warm
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes an' blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Suddenly I turned around and she was standin' there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Now there's a wall between us, somethin' there's been lost
I took too much for granted, I got my signals crossed
Just to think that it all began on an uneventful morn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Well, the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

I've heard newborn babies wailin' like a mournin' dove
And old men with broken teeth stranded without love
Do I understand your question, man, is it hopeless and forlorn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

In a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation and she gave me a lethal dose
I offered up my innocence I got repaid with scorn
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

Well, I'm livin' in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm

There's of course so much more to say, but I think everyone had a Dylan-period in their life, didn't they? And if you didn't, then please, have one now. I recommend Hurricane, Every grain of sand, Don't think twice and many many mooore...



This weekend I participated a Scout leading course.
It was nice, even if my condition wasn't the most ideal for these kind of activities, and I learned a lot. Mostly we went through the bases of event management and how to handle crises such as if a scout gets injured or something happens, bullying, conflicts and how to lead a group, group dynamics and so on. On Saturday however we went on a hike. I've never put up a tent with a stove before so that was new for me, like reading maps correctly so I just watched and learned mostly.

The hardest part was walking up a little mountain but the view, the sunset, was lovely. All in all the Finnish nature in Autumn is so beautiful I think. I'd love to go hiking to Lapland but let's see if that will ever happen.

I'm so grateful I could borrow a jacket and warm pants for this event, I would have never made it without since I'm almost always freezing.
Still I felt like a big, fat snail just slowing everyone up.
Usually I'm the one everyone complains about walking too fast. More than once I've found myself alone on a walk or in the forest because the husband simply got tired of me walking 15 metres ahead of him all the time and went back home. Heh. That's a bit disconcerting.
I guess I found my people now, since I for the first time wasn't the fastest walker but the one who almost (just almost!) had troubles keeping up with the rest :)

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Whenever I think I've got it all together, I seem to sooner or later crash and end up in a big, anxious pile of hormones.
Afterwards I can usually laugh about it, especially things I know I was being dramatic about because of hormones, but in the very moment when I'm experiencing it I'm definitely not laughing.

Today I woke up and immediately felt that something's wrong. It's so hard to know whether something is really wrong or if it's just feelings that will pass.
The feeling never left me during the day, it actually got worse. Good for me I could take a walk in the forest all alone, eat some lingonberries and blueberries and what I think was crowberries (very sweet). Go to the library and borrow some books.

I'm so based on feelings, which is so wrong. God is the same every day, basically nothing even changed from yesterday but to me everything is different because of a feeling.

Maybe it's a hypersensitive person thing? I've come to think of that, in combination with hormones of course (if something this pregnancy taught me about hormones and how sneaky and underhand they can be).

This day got me to think of This too shall pass by Ok Go! I used to listen to it a couple of years back.

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Early this morning around 4-5 o'clock I couldn't sleep because of a sweet smell in the bedroom. I thought the husband had poured half a perfume bottle on him and silently chided him for that.

As soon as I got up and walked into the living room I saw the lemon tree flowering, only 5-6 tiny flowers but the scent was everywhere. It's smells absolutely lovely, but as an asthmatic I can't really stand it. It's such a shame. But I simply lifted it outside and sat there in the afternoon and smelled it after mine and the toddler's little walk in the forest.

We got the lemon tree as a wedding gift, or actually we got a gift card but it was the only bigger flower or tree they had in stock so it had to be it. Since we got it I've planted it into a new, bigger pot with new soil especially mixed for lemon trees. I've given it lemon tree fertiliser at least once in two weeks. I guess it liked the treatment since I now counted 90 tiny buds and flowers and beginnings of lemons! I do hope we'll get at least a few more lemons, but I honestly don't know how they will survive the winter.

For now I'll enjoy the flowers :)

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Today I read the last pages of Sofi Oksanen's Utrensning, made vegan stew and painted.

All I can say is Utrensning is by far the most well written, fact filled and stimulating book I've read in a while. There's work behind it, more than you can say about a lot of books on the market. And the work gets paid off, it's so interesting and satisfying to read a book that the author clearly did a lot of research for before writing. Let me just say I've got a good picture of post-was Estonia and a whole new insight of Estonia itself, a country and culture I knew very little little about. Now I almost feel patriotic when thinking about Estonia (exaggerating quite a lot but still, it doesn't feel like a strange country anymore). Another author who manages to write about other cultures and countries so you really feel like you know a lot about the country/culture is Åsne Seierstad. Very pleased to have found another author who does this too.
I'm also happy I read it in Swedish even if the original was written in Finnish, since after the first chapters I just wanted to read, read, read. Reading a book so fast in Finnish wouldn't be possible for me. But definitely gonna read more by Sofi Oksanen and next time in Finnish.

I seem to be in a phase when I only read books by Finnish female authors, recently read a book by Merete Mazzarella (Det enda som egentligen händer oss) and Tove Jansson (Sommarboken). Now gonna continue with poems by Märta Tikkanen to stick with the theme. Hehe.

The vegan stew was fantastic, I feel more like myself when finally being able to eat ginger and garlic again.
Acrylic paint and I can't seem to understand each other. It dries so fast I have to start over all the time, the lines doesn't melt into each other but becomes very sharp and layers on layers. Oil colors are a bit more forgiving. Still I don't have the possibility of letting a painting dry for weeks here in the apartment so I'm doomed to use acrylic colors and need to learn how to do it.

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It seems people in certain circles like to use the words "God's will" quite a lot.

"It's has to be God's will", "according to the Bible it's God's will", and so on. And that the Lord said this and that. I'm no one to tell what really is God's will and what the Lord really said, but I do think that those words are used one or two times too often too. For instance, once I had a very bad anxiety attack, and texted the pastor of my church to pray for me, not mentioning for which reason, and he didn't reply. I simply thought he read my message and prayed. Later on I heard that "the Lord had told" him to not text back since I was just trying to get attention from boys and that's why I texted him. In that case I know that the Lord knew I surely wasn't fishing for attention from a married pastor.

In my case, I'm just too naive to think that my brain works or I could think of any good decisions in different situations so I usually ask people about their opinion on everything. And, sometimes people think that it's God's will to do certain things and when someone says that I almost immediately agree on that too, and later on regret my decision.

Why do people so easily say that "the Lord told me" or "it's God's will"?
I don't know. I don't think I've ever known what's God's will. And after have been Christian for a while, and taken advice from people who like using these terms, I now start getting suspicious whenever I hear those words. They kind of have the opposite effect on me now. I immediately in my mind question whether it really was from God or not. The more people talk, the more they have to say about others and what's right or wrong, the more sceptic I feel towards them. And the same people often leave me more stressed and very chaotic or sad on the inside too. I can't tell why, but some people just seems to spread some kind of disharmony around them. Sadly the same people often have leader positions in church.

I have a friend. He's often quiet when I talk about my problems. He never judges me, never tells me what to do or not, never talk about what other people do or not, but do tell me if I've done something wrong in his opinion. (But the thing is when he thinks I've done wrong it's usually some advice I've taken from other which never felt good).
He never says what's God's will or that the Lord told him things, when he wants me to listen to his opinion on something.
When he prays I can feel God close to me, I feel loved and I feel like I've been a fool trying to do this and that for God's kingdom, I feel like I don't have to do or prove anything before God. I feel peace, and I feel happy. Through the years I've learned that quiet people are maybe the best. I've got maybe two or three friends like this.

Being a Christian is certainly not easy, I understand why it's called the narrow path. You get talked into things, trust the wrong people only because they're Christian and have been for longer and knows more that you, you get judged and you feel guilty at all times. People abuse words from the Bible all the time. It's really hard when the loudest people seems to be the most stupid, but those are the ones who gets heard. And the quiet ones, who's got something to say never gets asked, even if their wisdom is so much bigger.

Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues. (Proverbs 10:19)

This is what I've been thinking about.
While doing Autumn stuff.

Not judging people who talk a lot, because I'm a talker too, can't seem to keep my mouth shut. But when it comes to giving advice, telling people how to live their lives I'm quiet. Because I know I'm no one to say what's wrong and what's right.

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This evening I went shroom hunting with my youngest and my oldest.

The oldest turned out to know quite a lot about mushrooms, even the Latin names of a few (!) I'm so impressed. He also taught me the name of a poisonous one called "destroying angel", which he of course thought was cool.

The youngest one collected small mushrooms into the basket but mostly helped herself with blueberries.

I can not be sure of this, but I think I read somewhere that in Finland we eat more unusual mushrooms than in other Scandinavia. For example the Swedish farmer thought of mushrooms as "poor man's food" in the old days, while in Finland we ate everything we could get for free from nature. Swedes for a long time had a habit of only eating a few well known mushrooms and leaving the rest, while in Finland it always has been very common to eat every eatable mushroom. It this isn't the truth then let me know, but this is what I read a couple of years ago as an answer to why the kind of mushroom called "riska" was eaten in Finland but not in other Scandinavia.

Anyway I found a good riska today, a tallblodriska (Lactarius delicios). Along with chanterelles, black trumpet mushroom (Craterellus cornucopioides), tegelsopp (Leccinum versipelle) and björksopp (Leccinum scabrum). I thought of drying them, but then decided to mix them and fry them. Next time I find more of the black trumpet mushroom and yellowfoot chanterelles I'm definitely gonna mix them and dry them. Or in opposite order.

I'm a happy, satisfied shroom hunter now.

The thing is, I never feel so thankful towards God as when I find good herbs, mushrooms or berries, or anything good in the forest. So tonight I felt really rewarded for no good reason. Of course I wasn't being rewarded, and of course one should be thankful at all times since I have everything I need, but somehow evenings like this God feels more close than ever and it definitely feels like he sees me and knows me. Either it's only me being such a sentimentalist, but when I can really feel the it in my body it's like it's more real. Even if He's there, all the time every day, it's hard to believe sometimes.

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My day in pictures.

It was so chaotic here for a while. It still is, but when we'd had lunch (mushroom soup which my daughter loves) it was at its worst. I kind of let the toddler throw things around until she calmed down herself and we napped ignoring the chaos around us.

In one way I like the picture, it's so honest.

One day I hope I can publish a picture of a more tidy home. Maybe in half a year or so. Because this mess and my slow processing isn't going very well together and I'm in charge of throwing/selling/getting rid of things.

I also like vegetables and natural light. I tend to take pictures of that too.

Other that doing housework, trying to organise books, cameras, paint and stuff, I've produced poems lately. Not quite sure if I'm gonna publish them, but if I do they'll be in Swedish. Even if my readers tend to be 50/50 English speaking and Swedish, I don't feel like translating poems. It will be a good Swedish practicing :)

Sometimes I form poems in my head while driving or being somewhere else than home and think that I'm gonna write it down but when I get home it's already gone. So whenever I'm inspired I immediately write it done on my phone. Result is I've got them all organised and with dates on my phone. How much more clever than writing on paper!

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