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Helloooo! I can't believe it; I made it 22 years in this living hell! I'm THE worst bitter Betty and hypocrite out there because I preach about being happy and to fight for who you are but in reality all I want to do is to roll up in bed like a burrito and stay there until I wither and die. I watched the latest episode of Outlander the other day and there was a scene when Colum Mackenzie had had enough with his suffering and told Claire to end his pain with assisted suicide. She asked: "Isn't suicide a sin?" and Colum replied by saying "What's one more sin to a sinner?".

I pull through each day with a smile but the knowledge of living like this for the rest of my life is the worst. I'll never get rid of my disorder, and I don't have the will to fight for my life because I don't understand the point of doing so. It's NOT a temporary problem. You know.. when I see disabled people on tv... Heroes, fighters... Perhaps someone who lost all their limbs but they still wake up every morning wanting to live. Perhaps someone who is dying but they're fighting for their life because they don't feel like it's their time to die yet. I don't get it.

I've told my parents that if something were to happen to me I don't want them to do "everything they can" to make me to stay alive no matter what. I honestly don't want to live, I just feel like my time here is done and now I'm just on this earth because a few people want me here, and if I end up in an accident or IF I ever end up dead because of suicide it won't be their fault. It's no one's fault really, it wouldn't even be MY fault because I don't see suicide as selfishness. I see it as a way of release, of letting go of something one never even wanted: Letting go of a life that was forced on me by my parents and a society that took away my right to choose whether I want to live or not. Because the parents give birth to a child and then expects the child to WANT that.

My point is that... I'm not going to kill myself any time soon. But the thoughts are with me every day and they're constantly burning in my brain. But I'll keep on keeping on because that's what I have to do.

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Atelier Versace

Francesco Scognamiglio

Schiaparelli

Fall 2016 will be, according to the three designers above, all about pastels when it comes to fashion and trends! I love mints, dusty baby pinks and cool toned shades so I'm really very happy to see this color scheme on the runway at Paris Fashion Week. 

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​It's my 22nd birthday tomorrow! But I'll be stuck at work from 11:30 am to 8:30 pm both Saturday and Sunday so me and the fam celebrated with a cute evening fika today. Sorry for the really bad snapchat pictures! And a thank you to my uncle who bought the cute birthday card (Grattis = Congrats).

It sucks that I have to work this weekend cuz I found out that WONK Stockholm has it's Grand Opening tomorrow and Duo Raw will make an appearance. That would've been a killer birthday party. Oh well! Shit happens! Gotta make that money, don't I!?

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Today has been the laziest day ever. I didn't even leave bed for breakfast this morning but I had sweets and chocolates that were left on my night desk after coming home from the movies last night. Me and Jeanette had planned a nice day at the beach but the Swedish weather wanted to mess with us so we decided to go to the movies instead and watch Me Before You. 

I read the book absolute ages ago, I think it was just weeks before Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin were actually casted. I remember bawling my eyes out when I read the book alone in my bedroom. Yesterday, everyone cried in their seats in the theater. It is SO heartbreaking and I loved it. Emilia Clarke was brilliant, she was definitely the true star of the movie.

Anyway. I'm dealing with my swollen hands at the minute. It's taken me a while to write this blog post because my fingers are so stiff and fat. :( But I'm off for a pre birthday-celebration at my grandparents place now. Bye! 

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I'm usually quite good at adapting to new situations and I can get a long with pretty much anyone. I can "deal" with people easily. It doesn't mean I often like it, but yeah, I can put up with things. I know how to behave and act because I can sense people, their feelings and their personality. I can also put up with people that I don't like from the beginning (I can sometimes feel someone's aura from our first meeting).

But if there's ONE thing I CAN'T put up with... it's when a person belittle me or view me (or others) as stupid, dumb and/or uneducated. The worst part of my bipolar disorder and my personality is that I can't be oblivious to how other people see me. I can sense someone belittling me from across the room after a second of eye contact. And the way they approach me gets on my damned nerves because I can hear every bit of judgment and humiliation in their voice. The way they treat me like a child -- like an imbecile -- by using a baby voice and trying to explain things like I wouldn't understand a normal conversation or instruction. I don't think they know that I notice what they're trying to do, but I get very defensive, rude and sarcastic. It sets a fire under my ass and I can't tolerate it. I have to bite my tongue to not snap at them and make the situation worse for my own sake and because I have to be the bigger person.

I admit it, I'm a bit ditsy at times but I'm NOT stupid! I do have my shit under control. Just because I don't see things THEIR way doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. And it pisses me off how some people think their way is the only way! Because guess what! IT'S NOT! Belittling someone else is NOT COOL and that shit needs to stop right now. You're not better than anyone else. But keep on being ignorant and judgmental because karma will kick your ass sooner or later.

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Ahhhh it feels like I've been waiting for this day forever! It's the day when I get to stay in bed ALL DAY! Those are literally the days I live for. My body is sore from working long hours 3 days in a row and these couple of days came in perfect time to recharge my energy levels at least a tiny bit. Hopefully my still and swollen hands, that are the size of massive balloons at the minute because I overuse them at work, will get better before my next 9 hour shift on Saturday (which is also my birthday!).

Speaking of birthdays... My bestie popped over to Mall of Scandinavia when I finished work yesterday and she treated me to a nice pre bday-dinner at Vigårda. I wasn't too impressed with their burgers but their sweet potato fries were EVERYTHING. Yum!

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This is on repeat at the minute! I can't stop listening to it.

Latino music and Zumba rhythms makes me wish I took my 5 years of Spanish classes more seriously (I was really very bad at it and not even interested in learning it. I regret that now.) cuz I probably would've understood the lyrics without using google if I'd done that. I do know the basics though, like what La Bicicleta actually means ;) Although, not knowing exactly what they sing doesn't stop me from busting out some spicey cumbia moves when I listen to it!

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My lil nugget-lady had a nice relaxing rest in a sunny spot yesterday morning before I headed to work. Why is she so cute? What did I do to deserve such a beautiful child?

Ok, so work wasn't as bad as I thought it would be yesterday. Probably because it was a Monday. But that doesn't mean it wasn't bad... Now I'm just waiting for the weekend, let's see if my anxiety can deal with that! PLUS it's my birthday on Saturday. It's not like I ever do anything on my birthday but it would've been nice to have lunch and birthday cake with my family instead of spending 9 hours losing my mind because of stress at work!

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​I love these edgy, chunky heels I ordered from Nelly a couple of weeks ago. I was gonna wear them to an event in Stockholm but plans changed and I've yet to break into them! Unfortunately I don't go out very often here in Sweden cuz I only ever go either to work or straight back to bed..... 

My bad knees won't allow me to wear stilettos. I don't have the strength in them to keep myself balanced. I don't know if it's cuz I'm fat and heavy or if my knees are just sore but it's the truth. Hell it's been that way since I was skinny. So don't get me wrong, I love a sexy stiletto but for a longer period of time? Nuh uh. I'd be crawling on the floor after an hour or two! 

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Ok so I've been preparing myself mentally for this day for WEEKS. Our sale starts today and it is going to be CRAZY. I literally feel like I'm gonna have to use the last energy I have in me to be able to pull through.

People become beasts when they're out shopping. I simply don't understand HOW people do it or how they can be so insensitive. How hard can it be to pick up something from the floor when they drop something, and why do they throw things (like hangers) around like the staff don't have enough to do already. I love my job but it stresses me out when the store is a complete mess and I don't have the time to tidy up. OH and when I've been folding jeans, leave it for 1 second to pick up something from the floor and then I turn back around and there's a costumer messing things up again when they'd seen me folding it 1 second earlier.

If you don't work in retail you clearly don't know the struggle we go through to keep the store nice for you while we have to get tons of other stuff done. Have that in mind next time you're out shopping! x

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