finishing with school this week and beginning to start a new job this summer working at my local college,,Going to be doing some programming and IT maintenance, and a friend from class is also going to be working with me. I don't know why sitting in front of a computer doing code for hours is exciting, but I'm looking forward to it haha

I wonder if they will let me wear my noisy jeans? Ahaha when I walk the chains rattle against each other and I know everyone can detect when I'm near

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I wish i could be more precise with expressing myself..sometimes (a lot of the time Ha) I feel that the way I act or talk or dress doesn't reflect the person I truly am. I wish everyone could feel how unreal I feel sometimes..as though I'm ascending, but only to a point where I am within fingertips of the clouds and isolated from those I share the planet with--like i'm glowing.

Sounds strange, yea?

Don't know,,very small things make me feel extremely intense emotions, so when I'm feeling good, maaaan am i ever haha. same goes for the inverse though, and that's what's scary about me i think. People constantly glorify or take pride in their ability to suppress their emotions, or not feel anything at all, and I think i sometimes envy them? is it better to feel too much than nothing at all? I go through phases where everything is foggy and dreary, where I'm drained of all life source and the world is a big power outage, just to be followed by phases where my world is misty, where the water collects on my eyelashes and the grass looks particularly green, although i can't tell if those shades had always been there or if i am just noticing them--there's a big difference!

in order to avoid such strong feelings, whether they're good or bad, i have to cut out a lot in my life. if there are things that make me VERY happy, i'm extremely reluctant to experience them, because the adrenaline that'll pump through my dead veins and the tears that'll wet my eyes are overwhelming, am I feel like i'm Drowning. .... . .

it would be nice if i could tell these small things that run through my brain and dictate a very large component of my life to someone, someone who would respond and genuinely be intrigued and share their experiences willingly, but I know that's not the case. out of fear of bring 'too deep' or 'pseudo-intelligent' i'll just post them here ;PP until nexxt time (sooon?)

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feelin' good lately, which is a lot coming from me haha, what could this mean?? ;PP mm seems like I'm slowly digging myself out of the hole i've been in for a year, cleansing myself of all negativity bla blahh..like a baptism?:-)
joined a robotics club I had no idea existed in my school; luckily I had mentioned to a friend that I like software development and programming--a blinkk later and i'm in a tech room, learning RobotC. it all happened so quickly! x)) It's **rare to find things that i'm actually interested in, guess there was a shooting star sometime that day?

Went on a trip to alabama with some classmates for our TEAMS competition,,was expecting a lot of stress and little fun--instead it was vice versa. we did pretty alright, had to build a robotic arm in 55min, and we completed it seconds before time was up ((a real hollywood scene))! it had to be able to pick up a full water bottle and place it two feet away within 120 seconds, and we did it in 10.17 ;} even beat the seniors of our school, although we saw that coming anyways haha

learned a lot of random trivia and got a lot of ideas on that trip, mostly thanx to Mrs. Vickers and Diego. started listening to some podcast called Stuff You Should Know based on suggestion from Vickers; it's pretty good shit, ((not even sponsored ahaha). felt cool to be one of the smart kids, and feel a bit recognized for it! diego talked to me about daft punk and robotics (irony, no?) and going to georgia tech, and really got me motivated to, eh, get my shit together? I really enjoyed myself through the whole trip, even though being around people other than my parents for extended periods usually puts me on edge..bought like 5 monsters, drank like 4 (Tired+wiredd) spent around $100 on that trip, livin the debit card dreaam

don't know if things are lookin up, or if I'm just lookin up? either way i feel my power level rising, like i'm being charged when i was 1000%%drained... workin on getting cooler clothes, higher grades, n less anxiety.. who's winning now?? ((hint: it's me)) xb

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