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Been having huge anxiety and panicattacks for about one month now.
It feels like someone is sitting on my chest and like someone is having their hands around my throat, so it's hard to breathe normal plus my throat feels swollen when it happens.

I don't know what to do...
Gonna meet my psychologist later in August when she's back from her vacation.
I need to learn how to handle this, I have medicines against it but when I am without them I can't handle myself and the attacks...

To have borderline and bipolar disorder is a horrible mix.
Unfortunately there is no medicines against borderline, but I have medicines for the bipolar.
But maybe I need another medicine against that.
Gonna ask my doctor when he calls me later now in August.

I can't live like a normal person, I can't even go to the mall by myself...

I just hope this shit goes away!
And it's hard to explain how it feels...
And I feel dead inside..

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So, I haven't blogged for a very long time now, and I think I really need to do that again just to clear my mind.
Writing is good for me so I don't understand why I haven't done this for a long time now.

A lot of things have happened, traumatic stuff and horrible things around me these past months.
Sometimes it feels like I'm dead and that I don't exist.
Plus I feel very lonely.
And some days I don't have any energy at all.
I do exist, but I feel dead.

I have a smile on my face everyday just to hide all the bad feelings and the anxiety.
It's like wearing a fucking mask.
I know that's not good but I don't wanna drag down people in my problems.
I know that I need to take care of myself and put myself first but that's hard for me.
Instead I am hiding everything inside of me.
So it happens that I get breakdowns.
I cry when nobody sees it.
Then I put that mask on, again.
And I fucking hate that.
I just don't know what to do with myself.
I am very confused to be honest.
And all of you probably knows that I have borderline, problem is that there is no medicines against that.
And I am asking myself everyday:
"Why do I get all this bad stuff? what have I done to deserve all this shit?"
And that's a question nobody can answer.
Just bad luck I guess.
I am trying to stay strong and think positive, but it doesn't work.

Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain. Hiding the tears that fall like rain.
Saying I'm fine, when I'm anything but.
This ache in my soul rips at my gut.
My skin is on fire, I burn from within.
The calm on my face is an ongoing sin.
The world must stay out, I've built up a wall.
My fragile lie will collapse should it ever fall.
Loneliness consumes me, it eats away the years, until my life is swallowed by unending fears.
Waiting for someone to see I wear a mask, and care enough to remove it, is that too much to ask?

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I felt good and was happy until now..
Problems with my fucking doctor with the papers that needs to be send so I get my money because I can't work because of my disorders..
Gonna call that place who take cares of my money and paper at 14:35...
I have called my clinic and doctor since June about this but he couldn't meet me sooner than the 5th of December.
What the fuck they could have sent me to anther doctor, it's just a simple paper that says everything about my disorders!
Fuck!

I'm off to bed when I have talked with this person.
And I might not be here for the whole day/evening or night.

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So a new diagnosis, I'm bipolar like you all know, BUT I also have borderline... AND emotional personality...
Scheisse! Fucknutt!

I am so sick of this now.
I started to cry rivers when I was there.

My mom and my psychologist was at the meeting with me so that's good.

Feeling a bit manic and sensitive and depressed all this shit at the same time!

Anyways I'm going to bed for a while now...

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Now I'm depressed again..
gonna have a meeting with my doctor tomorrow or well today it's over midnight in Sweden...

I feel so lonely...

This is me for forever, one of the lost ones
The one without a name,;without an honest heart as compass, this is me for forever one without a name these lines the last endeavor to find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish dor soothing rain, all I wish is to dream again, my loving heart lost in the dark hope I'd give my everything...

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Like most of you know I have like.... what can I say, converted myself to Spiritualism.
It feels so much better and I can feel the difference.
I was a satanist for about 11 years.

But not anymore!
I have always believed in spirits etc etc and I am also a medium.
Everyone on my mother's side have that gift.

"Spiritualists believe in the possibility of communication with the spirits of dead people, whom they regard as "discarnate humans". They believe that spirit mediums are gifted to carry on such communication, but that anyone may become a medium through study and practice. They believe that spirits are capable of growth and perfection, progressing through higher spheres or planes, and that the afterlife is not a static state, but one in which spirits evolve. The two beliefs—that contact with spirits is possible, and that spirits may dwell on a higher plane—lead to a third belief, that spirits can provide knowledge about moral and ethical issues, as well as about God and the afterlife. Many believers therefore speak of "spirit guides"—specific spirits, often contacted, and relied upon for worldly and spiritual guidance.

According to spiritualists, anyone may receive spirit messages, but formal communication sessions (séances) are held by mediums, who claim thereby to receive information about the afterlife."

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I was fine this morning but now I'm depressed again.
I fucking hate my bipolar disorder...
What have I done to deserve all this shit?!

Been taken 8 calming pills now and they work because I'm kinda relaxed and tired, problem is that something in my brain won't shut down...
I'm taking my anti depressive pills and my pills for the bipolar everyday... but it's still like this at the moment...

My psychologist said that this happens like 3 or 4 times per year even though you're taking all your medicines so they can't obviously don't don't do anything about it...

I'm dead and broken inside and I don't know what to do anymore..
Just have to try to stay strong and trying to be positive.
I'm really doing my best to keep a smile on my face etc etc. But it's hard...

Doing all I can to feel better, exercise and taking walks everyday, writing and stuff like that...

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Hey guys!
I just wanted to give you guys some tips of what I'm using for my hair. plus vitamins I'm eating.

2 months ago I had a meeting with my doctor because we needed to find out if I have fibromyalgia, and I have that shit unfortunately.
They took tons of blood tests plus pee tests.
They saw that I had lack of D vitamins so he wrote me a prescription of D vitamins that I'm eating now
Weird thing is that I'm out everyday and taking long walks but I still got lack of D vitamins.

Yesterday I also bought B vitamins with ALL B vitamins in it.
I also take pills for the hair that makes the hair grows faster, getting thicker etc etc.
You have to take 2 pills per day and I'm getting 60 pills every month sent home to me. It's a prenumeration, very cheap too!

Anyways I will post some pictures of what I'm using for my hair.

So guys, buy these things, it's amazing for your hair!

(The Pantene oil you use after washing your hair, it's E vitamins in it. The Revlon unique One you use in wet new washed hair)

And remember to ALWAYS use conditioner after the hair mask.

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There's no sense, the fire burns, when wisdom fails, it changes all, the wheel embodies all that keeps on turning...
Blood red skies, I feel so cold no innocence, we play our role the wheel embodies all, where are we going?
All in all you'd expect the wise to be wiser, fallen from grace all and all I guess we should have known better because...
What about us, isn't it enough?
No we're not in paradise, this is who we are, this is what we've got, no, it's not our paradise!
But it's all we want and it's all that we're fighting for, though it's not paradise...
You and us, or I and them, there comes a time to take a stand, the wheel is watching all that keeps on burning, the venom works.. it's like a curse...
A Trojan horse when will we learn, the wheel embodies all that keeps returning...

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I have strong feelings for you.
when I look in to your eyes I can see the whole universe and I'm melting inside.
it hurts but it feels right..
My heart is beating for you, only you.
I want you, but that will never happen.
You make me smile and you make me happy.
I dream about you every night.
I can't stop thinking about you.
You're always in my head.
The strong feelings are painful but I can handle it.
I can see the sadness and pain in your beautiful eyes.
All I want is to make you happy.
This world may have failed you, it doesn't give the reason why, you could have chosen
a different path of life...
You know I'll find you, I'm there behind you...
We must face our truth..
I'm calling, I'm crawling, towards you..
I cry out your name afraid of what I'll find..
I'm frozen to touch your hand, but I'm ready to start over again...

(I won't mention the name, you know who you are)

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