Hello everyone!

On December when I had a meeting with my doctor and like most of you know, I also have borderline which sucks!
So I'm bipolar and have borderline plus fibromyalgia
(conical pain in my whole body)

My doctor told me to take more anti depressive pills and it actually worked!
So he have finally changed my medicines!

The past months I've been very sick because of my disorders.
But I feel much better now and I'm more stabile!

A lot of shit has happened that I won't write here. It's private.
Only my family knows and my closest friends.

But I'm happy that I finally feeling better.
And I also sleep better, without sleeping pills and calming pills!

And I'm taking walks everyday, even when the weather is crapshit.

But it sucks that there is NO medicines against the borderline.
I can't do more than taking my anti depressive pills and medicines against the bipolar disorder.

It's going up and down of course but right now I'm normal and I'm very happy for that!

And oh! there is a girl who is talking a lot of shit behind my back.
I thought we were friends
But I have heard that she hates me without a reason!
I just don't understand her.
I haven't done anything to her!
This pisses me off a lot!
Stupid cunt!
I have ALWAYS been nice to her.
I don't know if she's jealous about stuff. Jeez!

Anyway, I wish you all a great day!



I felt good and was happy until now..
Problems with my fucking doctor with the papers that needs to be send so I get my money because I can't work because of my disorders..
Gonna call that place who take cares of my money and paper at 14:35...
I have called my clinic and doctor since June about this but he couldn't meet me sooner than the 5th of December.
What the fuck they could have sent me to anther doctor, it's just a simple paper that says everything about my disorders!

I'm off to bed when I have talked with this person.
And I might not be here for the whole day/evening or night.



So a new diagnosis, I'm bipolar like you all know, BUT I also have borderline... AND emotional personality...
Scheisse! Fucknutt!

I am so sick of this now.
I started to cry rivers when I was there.

My mom and my psychologist was at the meeting with me so that's good.

Feeling a bit manic and sensitive and depressed all this shit at the same time!

Anyways I'm going to bed for a while now...



Now I'm depressed again..
gonna have a meeting with my doctor tomorrow or well today it's over midnight in Sweden...

I feel so lonely...

This is me for forever, one of the lost ones
The one without a name,;without an honest heart as compass, this is me for forever one without a name these lines the last endeavor to find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish dor soothing rain, all I wish is to dream again, my loving heart lost in the dark hope I'd give my everything...



I'm feeling better now at the moment and I hope it will last for a long time.

I even went to the mall by myself.
I have social phobia so I'm actually prod of myself!

Now I have taking calming pills and sleeping pills, slept for now 3 hours only.

And I think I'm in love with a special person...
Will never be used unfortunately, that's just a dream and a wish...
I have so strong feelings for this guy.
He makes me smile and laugh and we support each other all the time!

Sometimes feelings really sucks.
Love can be horrible...

'So wake me up when it's all over

When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize



Like most of you know I have like.... what can I say, converted myself to Spiritualism.
It feels so much better and I can feel the difference.
I was a satanist for about 11 years.

But not anymore!
I have always believed in spirits etc etc and I am also a medium.
Everyone on my mother's side have that gift.

"Spiritualists believe in the possibility of communication with the spirits of dead people, whom they regard as "discarnate humans". They believe that spirit mediums are gifted to carry on such communication, but that anyone may become a medium through study and practice. They believe that spirits are capable of growth and perfection, progressing through higher spheres or planes, and that the afterlife is not a static state, but one in which spirits evolve. The two beliefs—that contact with spirits is possible, and that spirits may dwell on a higher plane—lead to a third belief, that spirits can provide knowledge about moral and ethical issues, as well as about God and the afterlife. Many believers therefore speak of "spirit guides"—specific spirits, often contacted, and relied upon for worldly and spiritual guidance.

According to spiritualists, anyone may receive spirit messages, but formal communication sessions (séances) are held by mediums, who claim thereby to receive information about the afterlife."



I'm feeling much better now.
Had been awake since 1 am last night because I had to go to to emergency at the hospital with my mom.
It's better with her now.

I went home around 2 pm and I slept for 5 or 6 hours :)

Like I've said, the bipolar disorder is like a fucking roller-coaster.
Very weird.

Don't know how I'm gonna feel later today (it's 02:03 am here in Sweden now)
But I got energy because I slept well.
Hope I can sleep good this night too!

And the nurses at the hospital was so fucking rude!
Both to me and my mom!
I told them that I'm also a nurse ( assistant nurse) And they just looked at me like I was an idiot!

Have no idea why regular nurses are so fucking rude to assistant nurses!

Been working my ass of when I could, can't work anymore because of my disorder and my fibromyalgia.
Have met so many nurses where I have been working and they are all cunts!
An assistant nurse is doing more jobs than the regular nurses! So me and my mom got so pissed off!

And they get more money than assistant nurses, it's not fair at all!




I was fine this morning but now I'm depressed again.
I fucking hate my bipolar disorder...
What have I done to deserve all this shit?!

Been taken 8 calming pills now and they work because I'm kinda relaxed and tired, problem is that something in my brain won't shut down...
I'm taking my anti depressive pills and my pills for the bipolar everyday... but it's still like this at the moment...

My psychologist said that this happens like 3 or 4 times per year even though you're taking all your medicines so they can't obviously don't don't do anything about it...

I'm dead and broken inside and I don't know what to do anymore..
Just have to try to stay strong and trying to be positive.
I'm really doing my best to keep a smile on my face etc etc. But it's hard...

Doing all I can to feel better, exercise and taking walks everyday, writing and stuff like that...



Hey guys!
I just wanted to give you guys some tips of what I'm using for my hair. plus vitamins I'm eating.

2 months ago I had a meeting with my doctor because we needed to find out if I have fibromyalgia, and I have that shit unfortunately.
They took tons of blood tests plus pee tests.
They saw that I had lack of D vitamins so he wrote me a prescription of D vitamins that I'm eating now
Weird thing is that I'm out everyday and taking long walks but I still got lack of D vitamins.

Yesterday I also bought B vitamins with ALL B vitamins in it.
I also take pills for the hair that makes the hair grows faster, getting thicker etc etc.
You have to take 2 pills per day and I'm getting 60 pills every month sent home to me. It's a prenumeration, very cheap too!

Anyways I will post some pictures of what I'm using for my hair.

So guys, buy these things, it's amazing for your hair!

(The Pantene oil you use after washing your hair, it's E vitamins in it. The Revlon unique One you use in wet new washed hair)

And remember to ALWAYS use conditioner after the hair mask.



So I've been manic for some days now, a week I think.
now I'm depressed and a bit manic at the same time...
I don't know what to do.
Got so strong feelings for a person and I Won't mention his name...

What the fuck, this always happens to me.
So sick of it!

"the power of love..."

And I sleep like shit even though I have sleeping pills and calming pills.
I am so tired but my head won't shut down or what the fuck I can say...

This is breaking my heart into pieces..
I like him so much! He means the world to me and he knows about my feelings for him.
He likes me too, but it will never be something between us because of... stuff that I really can't say here.

It takes A LOT for me to fall in love.
This person is amazing and he makes me so happy.
I am happy but at the same time sad. It's so hard to explain..

Well, thank fuck for cigarettes haha! :)

Doing my best to keep a smile on my face and accept the fact that I am bipolar.
Everything gets huge and worse when you're bipolar.
I am a very sensitive person.
This person is also very sensitive, it's like we are soulmates!

Ich seh' noch unsere Namen und wisch' sie wieder weg,  unsere Träume war'n gelogen, und keine Träne echt...
Hörst du mich hörst du mich nicht
Komm und rette mich rette mich!