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Been having huge anxiety and panicattacks for about one month now.
It feels like someone is sitting on my chest and like someone is having their hands around my throat, so it's hard to breathe normal plus my throat feels swollen when it happens.

I don't know what to do...
Gonna meet my psychologist later in August when she's back from her vacation.
I need to learn how to handle this, I have medicines against it but when I am without them I can't handle myself and the attacks...

To have borderline and bipolar disorder is a horrible mix.
Unfortunately there is no medicines against borderline, but I have medicines for the bipolar.
But maybe I need another medicine against that.
Gonna ask my doctor when he calls me later now in August.

I can't live like a normal person, I can't even go to the mall by myself...

I just hope this shit goes away!
And it's hard to explain how it feels...
And I feel dead inside..

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Hey guys,
I'm sorry I haven't posted anything for a very long time now.
Been having some kind of brain freeze when it comes to my writing.

I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and huge panicattacks..
I don't really know what's going on with me right now.
It's the borderline and the bipolar disorder that is haunting me.
A mix with both is a fucking hell, even my doctor and my psychologist said it's the worst thing you can have...
And there is no medicines against borderline...
I am eating medicines against my depression, anxiety and my bipolar disorder, but sometimes it just says BOOM, and I'm down in the shit, again.
Medicines doesn't always help, but without them it's so much worse...
I can't live like a normal person...
When I go to the mall I get panic...
I am so fed up with this now..
And now I have problems to sleep, again.
At the moment I have no sleeping pills, only calming pills against the panic and anxiety, they make me tired, but I am only allowed to take 3 calming pills per day and I don't take more of them.

Also, like most of you know, I have fibromyalgia which is massive pain in your entire body, that is also killing me...
I am 29 in October but my body feels like 129...
It's even hard for me sometimes to hold a bag or even my phone...
Few years ago I was a gym addict. Then I had to stop because I had so much pain and I didn't know what the fuck it was, until last September when I got the diagnosis fibromyalgia.
The doctor told me I can't go to the gym anymore so now I'm only taking walks.

Feels like I'm fading away, And everyday I am fighting and struggling with all this shit..
I thought the bipolar disorder and the borderline was enough, and now I have fibromyalgia too...
I mean... What's next? 
I am so sick and tired of this...
I wanna be normal, I wanna live a normal life...
I will never be able to work again...

Feels like my life is kinda over...

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Hey guys!
I haven't blogged for a while now, but now I'm back again!

2017-04-06 was a dream that came true!
I saw and met one of my favourite band Tokio Hotel!!!
It was fucking AMAZING!
I've been a huuuuuge fan for over 11 years now!
I still can't believe that I've seen and met them!

I had VIP so I was at the m&g, took selfies with my favourite man, Tom Kaulitz!

All of them is very nice, funny and polite!

One funny thing happened when Tom took my phone to take a selfie, My wallet case for my phone fucked up totally so all my money and cards dropped on the floor haha!
Tom said like 10000 times: "Oh, oh shit! I'm so sorry for this, wow! I'm really so sorry!"
Hahaha I just laughed and said "Aww haha it's okay!"

The concert was actually the best concert I've ever been to!

They said that they gonna come back and that Swedish fans doesn't have to wait 7 years again!
They were here 2010 but I wasn't able to see them that day.

Gonna share some photos here now:

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I want you to trust me, I want you to believe me, I want you to feel your eyes on me.. Every heartbeat to control I want to hear your voices, I want to disturb to silence, I want you to see me clearly, I want you to undearstand me, I want your phantasy, I want your energy, I want to see your hands in your aplause... Do you see me? can you understand me? Do you feel me? can you hear me?

Can you see me? Can you feel me?
I want you to trust me, I want you to believe me..
I want to die in your aplause..
Can you hear me? Can you see me...?

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Woke up this morning pretty depressed and I don't know why.
Might be because I've been super manic for about a week.
It takes a lot of energy when you're manic.
The heart is beating faster, well the whole body is working hard.
Hard to explain but yeah my whole body hurts now because I haven't been able to relax because of that shit.

And to have borderline is a fucking hell too..
And there is no medicines against it and that weird I think..
So a mix of the both disorders is a hell.
Nobody should feel this way or have these disorders...
And I have no idea what I have done to deserve this.
I also have fibromyalgia, menas that you have pain in the entire body.
I will never be able to work again...
So yes that's just a fact.
And I am so fucking tired all the time too... As you can see on the picture below...

But not I'm thinking positive. At least I try to and I'm doing my best!

"A new day is coming, the time is now"

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I'm feeling better now, the mania is finally gone!!!

Now I just have a fucking cold and fever.

Gonna leave some "friends" now both irl and from Facebook.

These cunts never supporting me when I'm sad, depressed and manic.

That's why I don't have so many friends
They have all left me.
I don't understand why?!
What the fuck have I ever done to deserve this?!
Plus I'm bipolar, and I have borderline AND fibromyalgia...

Oh well, I'm alright it's all the others that are clearly insane!

So fuck off and die!

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I'm feeling much better and "normal' now.

But I still love have to take my anti depressive pills because when I stopped taken them I got very depressed.
Haven't been manic for like 3 days now or something so that's good.

I have good friends on Facebook but nobody that I'm with.
People have left me for no reason and that
hurts.

So if I remove your from Facebook don't send me messages because you don't even care about me anyways!

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So this is VERY weird.
Few months ago I was super manic, then I stopped taken my anti depressive pills, the name of the pills is Venlafaxin, and when I stopped taking them I got normal and calm again!
I spoke with my doctor about that and he said you can get a lot of energy when you take them but he didn't wanted to change them now, but I did. It took about 3 days until I got more stabile.
A week ago I started to take them again because I was so depressed, and what happened? I got super manic!
So I stopped taken them yesterday but it takes a while until they disappear from the body/the blood.
I have calming pills now and sleeping pills and I can feel they make me so tired but I still can't sleep!
My body is working non stop and I can't relax or stop thinking about stuff.
Gonna meet my doctor soon and he have to give me other pills!
To be manic for a long time is dangerous because the body is working super hard.
So now I'm sitting here fully awake in the middle of the night!
This really sucks and I'm so pissed off!
When you're manic you are super happy and yes it's a great feeling, but like I said, you can't sleep at all! maybe 1 to 2 hours then you're up again doing stuff and running around like a fucking moron.
I am trying to act normal to people and I don't wanna show I'm sick anymore.
Plus I have borderline, and the mix of borderline and bipolar is the worst
Even worse than schizophrenia.

I hope and pray that I'm gonna feel better tomorrow or very soon.
I can't take overdose of my calming pills.
Doctor said 3 pills per day and I don't take more than that.

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Like you've read in my other post I've been through a lot of shit lately.
I am trying to stay strong and do stuff that I like. Like writing and design pictures and listening to music.
Just that it isn't easy for me.
Only a few people knows what has happened to me.
And I don't wanna speak loud about it because that is very difficult to me, plus I don't wanna drag down people in my problems because I really don't wanna be a fucking pain in the ass lol.

Usually I keep my problems for myself and hide it.
But sometimes it explodes and I can say and do stupid things.
I have lost so many friends these past years and I don't know why people are leaving me all the time.
I know that I am a good friend and I'm helping my friends when they need someone to talk with.
But when I have problems and need someone, well then everyone is gone and doesn't care a shit about me.
Only a few people understands me.
The rest of you... fuck off and thanks for nothing!

To live with 2 different disorders (borderline and bipolar) is a fucking hell.
I have medicines for my bipolar disorder, but there is no medicines against borderline.
Only thing that works against that is strong calming pills.
I should take 3 of them per day and I'm doing that now.
But sometimes I freak out anyways.
And I am a VERY sensitive person so yeah I can't help that small things makes me upset and cry like a fucking baby.
I just don't know what I should do with myself anymore, it hurts.
And so many people just telling me to stop crying and cheer myself up, yeah yeah, taste easy for you guys to say!
Sometimes I wish I could send over my feelings to these ignorant people so they know how it feels!
I can be happy for about one week, then boom! down in depression again. Or, some shit happens around me.

Every fucking day I am struggling, hoping to get better soon...

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So, I haven't blogged for a very long time now, and I think I really need to do that again just to clear my mind.
Writing is good for me so I don't understand why I haven't done this for a long time now.

A lot of things have happened, traumatic stuff and horrible things around me these past months.
Sometimes it feels like I'm dead and that I don't exist.
Plus I feel very lonely.
And some days I don't have any energy at all.
I do exist, but I feel dead.

I have a smile on my face everyday just to hide all the bad feelings and the anxiety.
It's like wearing a fucking mask.
I know that's not good but I don't wanna drag down people in my problems.
I know that I need to take care of myself and put myself first but that's hard for me.
Instead I am hiding everything inside of me.
So it happens that I get breakdowns.
I cry when nobody sees it.
Then I put that mask on, again.
And I fucking hate that.
I just don't know what to do with myself.
I am very confused to be honest.
And all of you probably knows that I have borderline, problem is that there is no medicines against that.
And I am asking myself everyday:
"Why do I get all this bad stuff? what have I done to deserve all this shit?"
And that's a question nobody can answer.
Just bad luck I guess.
I am trying to stay strong and think positive, but it doesn't work.

Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain. Hiding the tears that fall like rain.
Saying I'm fine, when I'm anything but.
This ache in my soul rips at my gut.
My skin is on fire, I burn from within.
The calm on my face is an ongoing sin.
The world must stay out, I've built up a wall.
My fragile lie will collapse should it ever fall.
Loneliness consumes me, it eats away the years, until my life is swallowed by unending fears.
Waiting for someone to see I wear a mask, and care enough to remove it, is that too much to ask?

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