we properlytalked today. he was by himself so i took the chance, i obviou sly wasn't going to waste it like last time. we talked a fair bit, reminiscing about old memories and everything. i was trying so hard to be cool, i was swearing excessively which was really unappealing and i was so nervous he had to correct me when i mispronounced a word. but something felt different when i talked to him.

it felt like he was a different person, not in a bad way. it just felt like he's not the same as he was when i knew him. obviously he's grown up but he acts different, and i didn't feel anything when talking to him.

there was no satisfaction from talking to him, what does that mean? after talking to him today i can't see myself being with him, the thought is impossible. he's a great guy, but there was no feeling of satisfaction after i talked to him today. it was just a normal conversation.

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at one point i think it's so overrated and naive of me to have been head over heels for him for over 3 years. 3 years.

but then i really think about him, without distractions. i think of his presence, his personality, him in general and i think. wow.

this human is wow. he's gorgeous. i can't even speak proper words when it comes to explaining how truly beautiful he is.

it would be a blessing to have him in my life, yes we're already friends but to be close would mean everything. not even that but to have him as my own would be unbelievable. the thought of that makes me feel so warm inside.

yes he's too good for me. i would never have a chance with a boy that beautiful. he's fit and hot and everything a dream boy is while i'm fat, lazy and whatever the opposite is from 'hot'

but i would do so much for him. he's so much. so much beauty and light. he's that ray of sunlight that seeks through the fog of grey clouds, when he's around i feel warmer and happier.

we don't even have to talk, i just like seeing him. when we do talk i swear every bit of my body tied up in a knot of nervousness and i can't speak. i see him look at me and i feel somewhat special, i feel blessed.

this boy is a true blessing, he probably doesn't have a clue about my thoughts for him. three years of these thoughts but i haven't properly thought till now.

i would say something stupid like 'he should feel blessed that he's the only guy i like' but really i should feel blessed that i actually know someone like him.

i like him cause he's him, even for three years.

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he was by himself today while i was with three friends. i was too overly confident to actually take the chance to talk to him. i wanted to sound funny so i could get his attention and make him turn his head.

i should've told him to sit near me when he spoke to me, i missed the chance of having a proper conversation with him. we could've talked about anything and actually have the first conversation in two years.

but no, i didn't say anything. i let him sit by himself two seats ahead. i kept looking at the back of his head, wanting him to turn around and talk to me but he didn't.

he could hear what i was saying and i thought he would turn around but he didn't. he put his headphones in and i knew he wasn't interested.

would he have worn headphones if i was talking to me? would he have not sat quietly if he was talking to me? would we have looked at each other and actually engaged in conversation.

he sat there and that was all of our communication for the week. that's it. until next week. that's all.

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it seems like most of my blogs will be about him. that's only because he's always on my mind. i play scenarios in my mind of what it would be like if he was in my life. i imagine what it would be like if he liked me the same way.

god if he liked me. if he liked me the way i liked him i would be lost for words. maybe if he liked me the same way we could be closer, we could be more than two kids that just occasionally exchange hellos and that's it.

i don't want to set my expectations so high, because whenever i do i end up hurting myself and spending all night crying and wishing i didn't. i fill myself with endless regret and i can't avoid the stinging pain in my chest from my reality.

he can't like someone like me, he's too good for me. he's sporty, i'm lazy. he's funny, i'm not. he's good looking, i'm clearly not. and although people tell me otherwise, it doesn't change the fact that this is what plays in my mind when i'm up at 11 on a school night thinking to myself.

a deep spotify playlist with deep songs playing through my headphones as i let my mind wander around with him there. holding hands, laughing, kissing. all that soppy shit.

it's so painful later on when i face reality and realise what we 'have' is nothing like that. it's been different recently but i have no doubt that it won't ever be like my thoughts at night.

after my deep thought process i fall to sleep, only to see him in my dreams, i live a life where he loves me and only me and that's all. it's perfect till i wake up.

if he liked me the same way i would melt as i do whenever i see him. i would look at him and just want to grab his face and kiss him but i can't. we're not like that. and he'd never like me back the same way.

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there's always going to be that slight thought at the back of my mind that he might actually like me. maybe after all these years of being head over heels for him he might actually feel the same way.

then i think of how naive i sound because there is no chance whatsoever of him choosing someone like me. he's beyond perfect while i'm dysfunctional, i'm insecure and i try too hard.

i try too hard to be the person he wants and then make a fool of myself, i pretend that i'm supposed to be like that but under it all i'm only like that for him.

i would do so much for him.

he deserves someone as beautiful as him, someone as funny as him, someone as important as him. that isn't me, that will never be me. i'm not the one for him and i can't get that thought around my head.

he's been acting different lately, i see him a lot more than i did when i started liking him. this time is different to a lot of other times. he's been noticing me a lot more than usual, he's been talking to me, he's been looking at me from afar despite the distance.

he's never been like this. we never talk anymore.

on the rare occasion that we talk is when i force myself to be humorous or think of something oblivious just to talk to him for two seconds.

when he says my name i swear i melt in my seat and get flushed. why is he acting like this? he's paying so much attention to me and my friends are even noticing.

i tell myself i don't want to see him but i honestly would do anything to see him. i want to talk to him more and spend more time with him and i'm feeling so different around him.

my mind tells me he's only talking to me just to be nice. buts the only time he ever starts conversations is when he actually cares.

i'm feeling odd, but these feelings are making me feel alot happier than usual.

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