I appreciate that not everyone is going to understand what it is like to have mental health issues; it is not about 'normal' feelings. People I have come across, often,  underestimate what it is really like having to fight day in and day out with your own mind. Others think that these disorders do not exist and I can 100% with confidence say that those people simply have not tried hard enough to understand and quite obviously cannot comprehend that the world does not revolve around them and that just because one does not experience something, does not mean it does not exist. If these people or even you, do not understand then you need to keep trying. attempting to help a loved one and giving up on understanding is never going to make the situation better. 

In this blog post, I will try and make it easier for you to understand what it is like to have borderline personality disorder, some terms used in association to the illness and the things you can do to support the sufferers, 

Nothing is 'normal' in our world and that is the first hurdle you need to jump over. You need to forget the boundaries and the box of what exists and what does not exist. Question yourself and the way you feel and do not use it as a means of comparison because there is no comparing. The way us borderliners feel and the way you feel is so far apart from eachother. Borderliners over think everything, Im not talking about having a slight bit of anxiety because of your exam on monday. I am talking analysing every word that is spoken to you, every piece of communication you recieve, every thing theyve said, everything they have done, we cannot let go and no amount of reasoning will make it go away. We experience our feelings at a higher intensity and more intense fluctuations to an extent where we dont understand how we feel, we cannot keep up with ourselves or our inner self. These overly exaggerated will stay with us for hours on end, days upon days and sometimes even weeks. We never feel just slightly angry or sad,. Its being furious over the smallest things, its lying on the floor hysterically crying over something that is not a big deal, there is no middle ground. It is all or nothing. 

This idea of all or nothing, black and white is known as splitting. Borderliners lack the ability to combine positive and negative thoughts of people, feelings and situations. It is either super good or super bad and though you may not see it at facevalue, we are very good at acting, most of us having to conceal this mass of explosive nothingness to make us look fine. Usually, the negative thoughts completly cloud the positive, to the point where the positive disappears. This makes it hard for borderliners to figure out others and how they are feeling, you'll often find that borderliners frequently ask whether people are mad or upset at them. Our ideas about our future, job, religion, relationships change. Long terms goals are fogged and can often lead to feelings of 'emptiness' and being 'lost'.

A favourite person is another aspect of borderline personality disorder that affects us greatly. Many have what is known as a 'favourite person', including me. This extends further than just a bestfriend. It is someone they heavily depend on, someone they love with such intensity that it often destroys them when they are apart from their favourite person. Once again, it is not about feeling heartbroken or upset when you end a friendship or a relationship but it is feeling so much at once, all the time. Validation, love and support is often craved from this person and the person that they want to spend ALL their time with. Borderliners sometimes hate their favourite person and this is where splitting comes into play... it goes something like '​I HATE YOU, DONT LEAVE ME'. 

It usually occurs that when the borderliner feels that they are not loved, liked or supported by their favourite person that they will push them away before they are abandoned. This does not necesarily mean that their favourite person does feel this way but more that the borderliner has overanalysed signals. 

Below are some things you can think about when speaking to, trying to comfort or if you are involved in the life of someone with BPD. Offer reasurance, that you are not anrgy and that you support them and love them. 

Space should be given to them when needed but remember to remind them that you are still there when they need you, even if they are pushing you away. Pushing away, is something people with BPD often do, to test whether, they really are loved and supported by that person, this is not conscious, they do not choose to do this. 

Dont judge! Borderliners can say and do some stupid things and act in a way that they wouldnt do without the disorder. It is not a choice and many would do anything to rid of it.

Do not threaten with punishment. This enhances the negative feelings and thought and leads to them feeling worse.

Do not suggest that they do not hae BPD. You are not a psycholoigist nor are you the individual

Try and understand and keep trying until you do!

Use positive connotations. This helps them when trying to cope with splitting.

I hope this has helped many of you with a close one 


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Many say that losing a lover is harder than losing a friend...I disagree. You expect that something could or may go wrong in a romantic relationship but with friends you expect them to stay around and support you forever, so when I started to lose friends I became very paranoid and desperate to do what I could do keep them. I created an Idea in my mind of what people like in a friend; skinny, pretty, never angry and it backfired on me pretty hard because in the end, my best was still not good enough. 

Bipolar has made it extremely difficult to keep my friends as it involves a whole list of other things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, borderline personality disorder and hypermania. Sometimes I would disappear for days even weeks and people thought it was disloyalty but the fight going on inside my head is unbearable and I think it is hard for people who have never had it to understand. People resented me for my anger and my hypermania and considering 'normal' isnt an option for me, it made it quite hard for them to stick around. I pushed friends and family away unintenitionally not because I want to but because my brain doesnt want me to, it is sick. Now you may think I am talking absolute nonsense, lets look at it this way. If one has a bad liver would you expect it to work and perform its normal duty as well as one that was not sick. If i needed medication for my liver to work better would you tell me i didnt need it? No , there is no difference, just like my liver, if my brain is sick then I am sick.

My bipolar put me into hospital a couple of times but little did you know that the one thing I thought about was whether my friends were going to understand and be there for me when i got out. Would they think I am an attention seeker. When I got out of hospital some of my worst nightmares came true, one of my friends said, 'if youre going to kill yourself, try harder next time'. The level of my emotions increased drastically at that point and for someone with bipolar nothing is left unrecognised for, I feel things 10x more than the average person and it hurt, even though I had other friends that cradled me and cried, the one thing I remember the most from that night is the comment my so called 'friend' made.

I am not sorry for my bipolar, though i resent it at times, i have to learn to live with it, I try and take valuable lessons from my mistakes but people need to understand that though i can to some extent help my brain, i cannot control it, it is not my fault for my fluctuation in emotions or the way I act. The only thing I am sorry for is for those of you who did not understand, I am sorry  if you dont understand and I am sorry that you do not care enough to try and understand but I am greatful for those who are there for me no matter what.


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Today is Bipolar awareness day... so here I am to educate some of you. Right now I am super angry but perhaps in a couple seconds or a minute or a day or next week I will go into a hypermania stage or a depressive stage. I do not experience normal emotions like you, everything is next level. I cannot remember what it is like to feel normal...because this is my new normal. So for people to tell me I 'need to snap out of it' and 'think positive' does NOT help, trust me I have tried, and there is no way in hell I wake up every morning wanting to feel this way.because i would do anything to get rid of it. Pepole also tell me that I 'have so much to be happy about, you have no reason to feel this way', that is like saying to someone with asthma that they don't need a asthma inhaler because there is plenty of air around for them to breathe.It is ridiculous. So many people try and come up with solutions but i would love for people to just listen and to not tell me that I 'just need to do this' to get better because that is not how it works. There is no cure for bipolar, it is all to do with our brais. I have to learn to cope and handle these feelings i get, so please do not assume you know the answer. Sometimes It is just best to listen and try to understand. Our feelings are not sadness or happiness they are 10x more, when I am angry, I am so angry i could kill someone and sometimes there is absolutely no reasonn why we feel this way so don't ask us, just accept this is how we feel and that we sometimes do not why. This disorder is scary for the most of us because we do not know how long we will feel a certain way of if we will ever feel 'normal' again.

To all my bipolar bears out there, you're doing great, it is a challenge and a constant battle but we are still here and that is something to be very proud of!!!

Yours sincerely

Rosie

💕


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Good morning everyone, it's currently half past 6 and I am on the train thinking about how great this week has been! I'm literally on top of the world, I'm not quite sure why but it's been great anyhow.
So international womens day was last week which was so great to celebrate women kind and to remember those that have fought for women's rights... loads of companies on instagram had competitions to win something from their brand and I won a khaki green bikini with like a shell shape affect on the top, so I'm so excited to get it in a couple of days hopefully but it's coming all the way from Australia so I am not quite sure how long it should take 👙
This week the weather has also been so beautiful so maybe that's why I'm feeling happy, it's been so sunny and had those amazing 'summer time' sunsets, ya know with the pinks, oranges and purples! It's so lovely to know that summer is on it's way ☀️and because of this warm weather I have had pancakes like 4 times this week for dinner haha. Personally they make me think of summer, like when you've got home from a long day at the beach either waffles or pancakes with a couple of scoops of icecream and bananas is absolutely perfect 🥞
Also this week I went back to my psychiatrist and he reanalysed me and said that I need to have treatment and withdrew his last statement of not making the referral but now he's sent it and I've already got a reply and I've got an appointment to see the psychiatric specialists which I've waited 2 years for so I cried and was so happy when he told me, I'm one step closer to being my normal self again🎉😁
My stop is next so I'm going to wrap this blog up! Hope you have a nice day my lovelies
Lots of love
Rosie 💜

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I've had a pretty mixed week... last weekend I went bowling with the fam which was fun and we ate at a place called Lucy's which is an American designed diner and it was so cute... It was so nice to see the family like my sister and my nephew whom I haven't seen in a while, so it was great to have a catch-up! BUT it sucks because I thought it was going to be so great to distract myself and to do something I enjoy but it didn't make me happy not in the sense that I didn't want to be there but just nothing makes me happy anymore, the things that used to make me happy don't work and that looming feeling of sadness is always there, I tried to enjoy myself and I appreciated the evening very much! That's the thing with depression, it's always there and sucks the life out of you. Someone said to me 'you have so many things to be happy about, you can't be depressed'... people still don't seem to understand that their is a difference between sadness and depression... it's like saying to someone with asthma, 'you don't need an inhaler because there is loads of air around you to breathe'...🎳🍔
Anyway the next day I was supposed to be babysitting but the mum called in with the flu so they stayed at home and so I went shopping with my sister and got a couple of things; a cute baby pink crop top with the words 'girls bite back' imprinted on the neck line of the front and it was on sale so ya know, why not! Then I brought a face cleaner for dry skin and a toner from Lumene and I brought some socks, an eyebrow pencil and perfume from H&M🛍 that's one of the only things I think makes me happy for a small second and that's shopping but then I feel like shit after lmao for wasting my money, but it's worth it and I feel like I only brought things I really need because I have no socks and I have only one perfume and it was really expensive so I don't want to waste that by using it every day so I brought a cheap one that I use on a day to day basis instead of wasting me Stella one!
I know this was a short but sweet blog but I hope you enjoyed reading it anway, until next time my darlings, lots of love xxx

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So about 100 snowdrops have blossomed when I woke up this morning... and my mood is brightening because of this. It takes me back to my summer days in England when I used to be so happy and carefree, me and my friends from where I lived would walk to the beach nearly everyday and stop at a coop on the way and use all our pocket money to buy sweets and drinks and soda. We would swim and tan during the day and in the evening we would have barbeques whilst the sun would set over Bournemouth and create a beautiful picture of bliss. Then it would take about 2 hours to walk home, it would be 10-11 oclock so it was cold and we would be tired. I always remember getting home and jumping into the shower and all the sand stuck to my body would create a mini beach at the bottom of my bath. Now I have bad memories of place and the time where everything turned shit, now when ever i think of my life in England, I get horrible flashbacks.

So now I have a big problem which is one of the main sources of my stress. I have always wanted to go to a prestigious university in England so I can have the best career, possibly oxford or kings college but because of my bad experience, I am scared and become panicked when i think about it. As English is my first language I feel like this is the best thing to do to get my career off to a good start. Also my mum doesn't want to see me in England either because she doesn't want our bad relationship to come back up again. Then there is my family in England whom made me feel worthless... I was told that my dead nan wouldn't be proud of me and that I am a dissapointment to the family, so much so that my mum did not want to say goodbye before I left. At that point in my life I have never felt so lonely and I wouldn't wish what I experienced on my worst enemy. So coming to Sweden was one of the best ideas I have ever made, though somewhat scary and now I am thinking about moving back to the place where destroyed my mental health.

However the other day I was at the psychologist because of my drop in mood, self harm and suicidal thoughts and he was like we need to make a new referal to a psychiatrist and it's more of a rush now as my health is getting worse and today he called up and he's increasing my dosage on sertralin and putting me on more medication and he's NOT DOING ME A REFERAL! Like wtf is he doing, the last thing I want is to be on purely medicine because as soon as they take me off I'm not going to know how to handle my feelings when they come back, I wanted therapy from the start and surely I know what's best for me! Like wtf I have to do to get this stupid treatment, I've been diagnosed with like 6 things and it feels like he's still not taking me seriously.

Anyway I've had enough of today and I need to go to bed, goodnight xx


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Let me tell you what it is like...

Imagine having a problem but you cannot speak, you can make noises but noone understands what you mean, they have an idea but they can't fully grasp the concept. This is a big frustration for many regarding depression.

Let me try and put it into words. It's a sense of hopelessness, You think of your future, you see nothing, it's black, a black hole, no light, no hope. It's like waking up in the morning not being able to get out of bed, not because you're tired but because you're strapped down by your confused subconscious mind.

It's the lack of motivation. It's getting bad grades in school but not giving a shít because what is the point in trying if there is no future. You would happily be swallowed up by your own bed and die, you wouldn't mind, at all.

It's waking up in the morning and imagining the outfit you're going to wear, the makeup you're going to put on and the way you're going to style your hair but actually getting up 10 minutes before you leave, getting into yesterdays clothes, not washing your face and skipping breakfast.

It's like a constant headache, of self doubt. It's a disease that reminds you that you aren't good enough, that noone cares and you aren't worth shit.

It's like drowning whilst everyone else around you is swimming, winning the race of life, without any consideration for who they are leaving behind.

It's having suicide on your mind 75% of the time. Ways to kill yourself quickly without pain. Ways to kill other people.

Panic. Panic that you are never going to have a future that you one day hoped to have, its like the last candle in a pitch blackroom has been blown out with nothing left to give

You slowly start to disregard your friends and family because you're sick of having to compare their fruitful life to your fuckery.

It's eating me away and its a painful battle day in and day out but still people tell me to pull myself together.


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Good morning!

So, guess what? along the fence of our house, two beautiful little snowdrops have blossomed, which means spring is on it's way. Thankgod! I can't wait till the days where im lying on the beach under the blazing sun with handfuls of sand running through my fingers. Late night barbeques and a warm wave of the sea soaking my feet.

Anyway before I start this blog, I wanted to talk to you guys about last nights blog. First of all not every blog is going to be like that, it will mostly be just what I do everyday and what I get up to but I won't be sugar coating how I feel, If i feel like shit i am not going to tell you guys that I am fine because thats not reality. For a school assignment I have to hit the criteria of 'awareness' and my teacher suggested a blog regarding my mental health and i think its a good idea but I dont wan't this blog to be depressing you know! So like everynow and again I will be talking straight about my mental health but mostly it will be like todays blog where I talk about just what I have gotten up to and my thoughts and feelings of the day.

Alot of you messaged me saying that yesterdays blog was too graphic... I want to tell you why I am writing these blogs. For longer than I remember when I have talked about my mental health and the way I feel, I have been told that I need to grow up and stop being stupid. I suppose it is hard for those who have never had a mental health disorder to understand what is like to cope with everyday and many people are skeptical about the reality of having a problem. I have heard people say that it isnt a problem as it is not physical and think that physical illnesses like having a broken leg is harder to cope with, which simply is not realistic. There is a bad stigma on mental health and is usually seen as 'taboo' to talk about, they think it is embarrasing and I also think it is because people make fun of me. Many people use mental health as a joke to offend people... I have had countless times where people have told me to 'go kill myself' which is apparently a joke?!

I simply want people to understand and all my methods so far haven't been working so it is time for me to show people what is really like so people will stop thinking i'm 'looking for attention' and 'making my disorders up'.

Anyway...back to the snowdrops.

I remember when I was a little kid me and my family used to go to this old mansion, now turned museum and it had the most beautiful garden and during the spring, they would open their gardens and as you walked through there, there were rows upon rows of these white, untouched snowdrops; they would also have lambs and chickens running around and it was so picturesque. After the walks around the grounds, we would always go this small cafe which had been converted from old horse stables, I would order the same thing everytime, I large bit of chocolate fudge cake and a hot chocolate with the works (marshmellows and wipped cream). I am not sure why but spring always brings back happy memories, it gives me a glimpse of hope that everything is going to be alright.

Today is sunday and my Brother and his Girlfriend are coming round for dinner, so I need to shower. I have just finished unpacking my stuff from this weeks trip away... During my stay Me and my friends went to shopping centre called väla because I needed some new jeans as the colour on my black jeans is fading. I don't really have alot of money at the moment but for my last birthday my mum had given me a giftcard for Zara but of course they didn't have any I wanted so I brought a load of unnecessary clothes, a leather skirt with a braided detail running down both sides, two tops and real cute white blouse for the summer.

I dont know whether it is just me but I always feel so dissapointed in myself if I go shopping and come out empty handed which is probably why I brought all those clothes that I really didn't need lmao. So if I go shopping, I always need to buy myself something so I feel complete lol.

I am going to buy some chocolate today as this past week I haven't really eaten very healthily (which is completely okay) but tomorrow I am back to my healthy eating and my gym. So today is the last day, so I want to make the most of it. Last night I created my new workout plans as I was getting super bored of the last ones. But as I said, I am going to get some chocolate, I think a Geisha bar which is like a hazelnut chocolate, which is extremely delicious.

I hope you enjoyed today's blog.. I am now going to go and take some pictures of the snowdrops in my garden.

Lots of love xxx


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I'm in bed, with my black coffee, reminising over the past week. It's a bit bitter actually. Note to self: Add more milk.

Anyway, this is pretty exciting, my first ever blog post. I am not going to hide my feelings here or hide embarrasing events, events that have affected me. If you don't like what I post then you can simply just not read my blogs lol. I am warning you now: TRIGGER WARNING.

Oh and one more thing, if you are reading this, I do not want you to message me or talk to me about the below, not friends or family either. Thankyou in advance

So this week, we have had half term from our school and Mady came over from England to visit me and Lin, among others and to say the least it has been lit as fuck. We have been iceskating, chilled, gone clubbing, smoked weed. It was just what I needed, especially whilst coping with my crippling anxiety and the IB programme. I have been extra anxious and angry this week. Whilst I was away I forgot to take my 'crazy pills' and got some pretty annoying withdrawals like blackouts and pins and needles in my hands and feet, it was almost like I was glitching and parts of time just dissapeared. I never really realised how much they helped, coming off them for a couple of days took me back to my suicidal days, I was tense, overly angry, depressed; I have cried alot this week and talked to the suicidal hotline about 3 times. Not even my friends know that I feel like this, just me. For a long time, I have felt embarrased by me and my personality and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or have to worry about me. So I usually just lie in bed, crying, thinking of different ways to kill myself. I guess here it is different, no awkward eye contact, no judging and no confrontation, you can just read and feel whatever you want without me having to know. I have been called lazy and selfish, because 'I'm weak', 'I'm inconsiderate of others' and 'Im unrealistic' just because I find it hard to get out of bed because of my anxiety because people don't think I have thought about the impact on my family and friends.

People don't really seem to understand, I am in this prison of my own mind and it's a constant battle between my emotions, the little devil and the angel. Knowing how to handle my feelings is complicated. You might think I am stupid, but wait, let me give you an example. Okay. So the other day me and my friends were out with some guys from our class, and we were arguing about the weather, a petty argument as to whether it was snowing (by the way I turned out to be right lol) and it made me so angry, it makes me want to throw myself off a bridge, which is probably not objected by some, anyhow I don't know what to do with the anger that manifests inside of me, it's painful, malevolent. 

Other than the above it has been a good week and has reminded me not to take advantage of the life I have so beautifully been blessed with, no matter the circumstances with my nuerobiology.

So now, still sitting in bed with my black coffee, everything the same other than my hysterical crying

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