Many say that losing a lover is harder than losing a friend...I disagree. You expect that something could or may go wrong in a romantic relationship but with friends you expect them to stay around and support you forever, so when I started to lose friends I became very paranoid and desperate to do what I could do keep them. I created an Idea in my mind of what people like in a friend; skinny, pretty, never angry and it backfired on me pretty hard because in the end, my best was still not good enough.
Bipolar has made it extremely difficult to keep my friends as it involves a whole list of other things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, borderline personality disorder and hypermania. Sometimes I would disappear for days even weeks and people thought it was disloyalty but the fight going on inside my head is unbearable and I think it is hard for people who have never had it to understand. People resented me for my anger and my hypermania and considering 'normal' isnt an option for me, it made it quite hard for them to stick around. I pushed friends and family away unintenitionally not because I want to but because my brain doesnt want me to, it is sick. Now you may think I am talking absolute nonsense, lets look at it this way. If one has a bad liver would you expect it to work and perform its normal duty as well as one that was not sick. If i needed medication for my liver to work better would you tell me i didnt need it? No , there is no difference, just like my liver, if my brain is sick then I am sick.
My bipolar put me into hospital a couple of times but little did you know that the one thing I thought about was whether my friends were going to understand and be there for me when i got out. Would they think I am an attention seeker. When I got out of hospital some of my worst nightmares came true, one of my friends said, 'if youre going to kill yourself, try harder next time'. The level of my emotions increased drastically at that point and for someone with bipolar nothing is left unrecognised for, I feel things 10x more than the average person and it hurt, even though I had other friends that cradled me and cried, the one thing I remember the most from that night is the comment my so called 'friend' made.
I am not sorry for my bipolar, though i resent it at times, i have to learn to live with it, I try and take valuable lessons from my mistakes but people need to understand that though i can to some extent help my brain, i cannot control it, it is not my fault for my fluctuation in emotions or the way I act. The only thing I am sorry for is for those of you who did not understand, I am sorry if you dont understand and I am sorry that you do not care enough to try and understand but I am greatful for those who are there for me no matter what.