There has been a lot going on now!

I got an appointment to the adult mental health care center this week, I'm going to meet my doctor again and talk about how I felt that I was miss treated and open up the discussion about Mirtazapin as a was to counter my sleeping difficulties and my depression in one go. I also want to discuss Concerta vs Ritalin and what my possibility are.

It is idiotic that I as a patient has to contact the chef of my doctor to get to discuss medicin that I was sent there to discuss... But! I have big hopes for this new discussion, and I will do my best not to get passively mad on my doctor, me feeling resentment to the place that is suppost to fix me is not good.

CSN has finally stopped making my life difficult (After 6 months) so I went to the hair dresser, bought hair color and wax for waxing my eye brows (yes, I'm extremely lazy with my eye brows), decor plastic and fixed the ugly side of my freezer, and hopefully if I get my thumb out of my ass, I will go shopping for food tomorrow!

I'm really happy with my new hair, my toes are healing and I just have to keep on fighting!

I'm sorry. I'm really trying to be positive, to find the silver lining. I've been buying things and fixing myself to make myself feel pretty and stuff but I just... I don't want to write another depressing post about how everything sucks and how I feel worthless. I'm desperate to not feel this way any more, I don't want to be that kind of person, the kind no one wants to be around because I'm sad all the time. I've been trying, and I'm still trying. I want to stab myself in the chest, I want to feel my heart to stop beating. If I got the choice to die fast and pain-less with no worries about everything I would take it. I keep fighting every day, but as soon the night falls I have no energy left. I will keep my smile at day, but at night I want to die. And I'm so sorry for not having more strength.

Blog using your mobile phone - One of the best blogging apps on the market - click here!



Finally I can slow down for a second and breath.
Monday I had my part B of my re-exam, I just barely passed after I thought an entire day that I fail, because it was supposed to be impossible for me to pass (one part of the exam is automatically corrected and some writing questions are manually corrected by the teacher)
So I passed!
I passed and the feeling of relief of not having to drop out of school, having the security of knowing what I will be doing the next month is the best feeling I felt in a long time!
Except for last night, because I haven't been able to sleep since... a week ago?
But last night I put my head on my pillow, feeling prepared and ready to re-do my skills exam, and I slept like a baby the entire night!
So I'm good! I'm in the game again, ready to start fighting again!

I started with my appointments with doctors of different kinds, rehabilitation personnel and all other things. By some weird reason they put all my appointments exactly after my free card expired so that sucks, I don't like my budget for medical bills this month...

Any way, I had an appointment with the doctor today and I got some medicine prescribed but... well I kind of didn't like my doctor.
She spoke really slow, was confusing to understand, didn't read my journal before the appointment so she sat there and asked me about my life story again, gave me medicine even tho I said that I didn't want any medicine that was addictive, had bad side effects, it says in my journal that I've had eating disorders before and I told her my mental healthy right now is at the bottom.
And what did I get?
She gave me medicine with really bad side effects, is addictive, enhances eating disorders and depressions and have a reputation to not work.
Like, did she listen to me at all? Or did she just pick the first medicine and not care at about what I wanted?
I'm really disappointed and I have no idea what to do with the medicine, because I don't want to take it.



First go of Exam week is over and I'm half proud over my self.

In part A of my exam I got 93%, part B i got 68%, and on my Skill exam I completely failed because I forgot "Ip helper-address".

Right now I'm sitting in my sofa and waiting for my tea to be done, deadly tired but I need to keep up, two chapters a week needs to be memorized, understood, be done in the labb and some how get a deeper understanding of.

And, right now I also need to read CCNA 2 again and again to try to get a better understanding and remember it better because on Monday my re-exam will decide if I should keep going, keep fighting and study to be a network engineer or if I should maybe look of another career. I don't want to, but if I fail again, then this obviously isn't something for me.

So I will keep drinking my Licorice Pepparmint tea, reading about the more advanced basics of routing and switching in the world of Cisco.



Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the waaaaaayyy.... 🎵🎶

Christmas is over! Now new year awaits!

This christmas was really fun, I went to my sisters place and ate, well, everything, drank mulled wine, played games and had fun. But the best part was that I got something amazing


I am so overjoyed, I have wanted to buy this for a while but haven't really seen one that was worth buying and worth paying tax for. (Because most fancy Doctor Who stuff you have to order from abroad and they take tax and fees, once I orded stuff for 45$ and had to pay 60$ for tax and fees! 😱)

So I played monopoly with my sister and her boyfriend after I got it and I'm in love. My already big Doctor Who collection got bigger, and I'm not even to blame for that! 😄

I was thinking about my New Year's resolution, and I actually think that this "New Year, New Me" will work this year, mostly because everything is kind of just waiting to go off.

And with go off I mean, I've been in contact with the habilitation, they are going to help me with all that stuff that needs to be done. I'm waiting for a dietist to give me an appointment to change my diet and make me eat better, healthier and make sure that I actually eat and not just eat once a day.

My New Year's resolution this year is, to be better. Be more healthy be more happy.



As some here know I been busy with moving, and Im damn proud of my new place!

Just got everything ready and mostly unpacked, and this is my new home:



God I'm so tired.

So, in a few days I'm going to move.

And to be honest, I'm not even close to done packing!

I have moving boxes placed all over my room half-filled and I have 0 energy right now to finish packing.

I was planing to be done packing this week, but me being sick this week AND a exam, I kind fell down the rabbit hole, not to crazy town but to depression cliff.

Right now I'm making some food, onigiri, mostly because I'm lazy and don't wanna make a big portion of food that I "have to" eat right now.

and with right now I mean 4 hours ago when I started to write this post.

I'm tired. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

I was suppost to get an appointment and treatment with the habilitation for my depression and ADD but the only thing I got was "We are busy. You will get a time in about 3 months, stretching the timeline for you not to sue us for not helping you when you got promised help. Good luck with your problems and try not to kill yourself before then!"

Nah just kidding, they don't say that!

Today I bought Skyrim, remastered edition for Xbox One, And I am so happy! I've missed that game so much! This, makes my whole week so much better!

To bad that I don't have the time to play it...



I had my last meeting the day before yesterday at Uddevalla Hospital and we all sat down, the doctor and the psychologist and we discussed my diagnoses and the medicin and therapy to help with it.

Officially I got two neuropsychiatric disabilities; Aspergers Syndrome/ASD and ADD.
And then I got something called recurrent depression as a bi-product of those two.

I wrote a post about this before, and I thought that I maybe will be able to explain how it works better now.

Now, my brother is one of those who thinks medicin and the diagnos ADHD/ADD isn't real, even tho he has it.

Now, the thing that is called "normal" in this society can also be called "Expected behavior pattern", and I think "normal" would be better off being called that, because there is no such thing as normal! Everyone is different. Everyone is mostly sub-consciously thinking off being "normal" and picks up those tiny signals to get in line.

Me? I got ASD. MY ASD blocks those signals, and all I pick up is everything that everyone else ignore. like the sound of your heartbeats, the length of a persons breath, the tick the clock make.

Now, you are going to say "But I can hear those!"

Yes. But the difference is, that after a while when you concentrate on something else, like your phone, you stop hearing those without thinking about it. I don't. I still hear them. All the time.

And believe me, it is really annoying and really distracting, and so tiering to try to tune out those sounds and and listen to someone else talk.

This youtube video shows the way my every day is:

​Now, why am I explaining this? 

Well, its because I'm going to explain everything easier now.

You now, when you say "PC" you think of a Windows computer right?

Well, neurotypical (normal people) people, are like windows computers. 

Apps, programs and files are optimized for Windows. 

The information exchanged between computers are "windows language". 

The school system is Windows based. 

Everything is Windows optimized.

Now, me, with my weird brain, is a MacBook.

With IOS based programs, apps and files. I have my files, optimized for IOS and my language is IOS based.  

Now, put a Mac in a Windows environment and some stuff will work! But not all. I can read files but not open them. I can se that a file exist but I can't interact with it, even when other Windows PC:s  are spamming me, waiting for a response from that specific file.

And that fucking sucks. 

With medicin, habilitation and hard work, I can install file converters. 

Unfortunately, those will be installed from a Windows point of view, with many trials and errors, while other windows PC:s will trash talk my efficiency. 

So this is to you guys on the internet and IRL shouting that autism and ADHD/ADD doesn't exist or/and that medicin doesn't work because "medicin business just wants to earn money from you". 

Autism/ASD, ADHD/ADD does exist. 

It is not "just want some attention".

It is not fake.

It is not "is just really shy but when we go out it get a bit better". 

It is not "just to practice".

And most of all, IT IS NOT CAUSED BY VACCINES! It is something you are born with!

I hope I have shed some light on this, and for people STILL arguing about this, please remove yourself from my field of sight and hearing. 



I'm writing this on the train to Gothenburg mostly because I wanted to write some stuff off and well, I don't have so much else to do.

These last couple of days have been so tiring. I would wake up, not feeling rested, the weather haven't given any energy and my knees hurt.
Yeah i know, I'm old...
My knees have always been bad, and often at winter they hurt like a mother* every time I step outside.
This year, they apparently thought it was a good idea to start early and start aching in F-ing September. Because you know, fuck me.

Now I have complained a few times on Facebook and Instagram that I miss food, and that I'm working out to lose weight.
It all went well and stuff but now I've kind of stopped at 54,6 kg, and I've put going to the gym a bit on the self now because it hurts to much in my knees.
And, to be honest, I wasn't really unhappy with the way I ate or how I looked, I'm just a bit uncomfortable with people walking up to me and calling me fat.

This is how "fat" I'm now.
I got some fat sticking out on my sides but really... I'm comfy.
I guess that I kind of fell for a bit pressure to look like people want me to look like, a flat tummy and so thin ribs show.
I will probably continue with my diet a bit, mostly because I think that eating less sugar and more fat is a good thing, but I won't be so picky with it.
And I love cake and cookies. I can't live without them.

The cake was a lie because I ate it.



So! I think it's day 13 now on my diet and exercising... I've lost count.
So far, I've lost 3,4 kg, it doesn't sound like much, but those 3,4 kg is gone from my stomach and boobs. Sad face on the last part though... 😭
Today i just been... slowing down. I was at the welfare centre and talked some, and I got a program working on my computer, and I made some lchf chocolate squares.
Yesterday was so... it was an understatement to say that I was tired.
The day before yesterday I was at the hospital in Uddevalla and made some test to check my reaction, memory, learning speed, eye memory, hearing memory, concentration, my patience and a lot of other stuff.
I don't think I have been writing about this here, but some off you know that I have been going through an psychiatric examination to get an understanding of my problems, what I could need help with and if it any other help I could get, for example therapy.
I've been to 5 of those now and I got just 1 more left, the last one, and they will tell me, psychologist and doctor together what my needs are.
Or, as my dear psychiatrist said yesterday to almost every test I've taken,
"I got your results here and I can see that your work memory is... really below average. Extremely. " and then she continued with
"I first thought that you would need to re take the test but all these *a bunch of tests I took* says the same thing"
That first part, she said to EVERY test I took. About 10-15 of them, depending on how you count.
The first time it was fine.
The rest of them felt a little like kicking a laying down person... 😰🔫

I feel like I deserve this.. It's fluffy and so cute, and would be awesome to have at home...
I had one similar before but it broke and that made me sad, because if it something that I can't get enough off, it's fluffy and cozy sleep wear. Like, I have a drawer full off just sleep wear, I use everything and I refuse to throw any off it away. Seriously, I can't completely close my drawer..



So, first of all, day 8 on my diet and to be honest, my suger addiction is kind of gone, even though I have already cheated a few(many) times, mostly because I don't have the food to eat to get full. 

Yes I have lost some weight, not much, but enough to see a tiny difference on my stomach. And no, I'm not going to show you. I didn't take a "before" pic, mostly because I want to think that I'm happy with my body no matter the shape. (A lie but still...) 55,8 kg now! 5,8 kg more to go! 

But! I ordered some food from Coop to be delivered on Monday, until then I will eat my minced meat in strained tomatos.