I had my last meeting the day before yesterday at Uddevalla Hospital and we all sat down, the doctor and the psychologist and we discussed my diagnoses and the medicin and therapy to help with it.

Officially I got two neuropsychiatric disabilities; Aspergers Syndrome/ASD and ADD.
And then I got something called recurrent depression as a bi-product of those two.

I wrote a post about this before, and I thought that I maybe will be able to explain how it works better now.

Now, my brother is one of those who thinks medicin and the diagnos ADHD/ADD isn't real, even tho he has it.

Now, the thing that is called "normal" in this society can also be called "Expected behavior pattern", and I think "normal" would be better off being called that, because there is no such thing as normal! Everyone is different. Everyone is mostly sub-consciously thinking off being "normal" and picks up those tiny signals to get in line.

Me? I got ASD. MY ASD blocks those signals, and all I pick up is everything that everyone else ignore. like the sound of your heartbeats, the length of a persons breath, the tick the clock make.

Now, you are going to say "But I can hear those!"

Yes. But the difference is, that after a while when you concentrate on something else, like your phone, you stop hearing those without thinking about it. I don't. I still hear them. All the time.

And believe me, it is really annoying and really distracting, and so tiering to try to tune out those sounds and and listen to someone else talk.

This youtube video shows the way my every day is:

​Now, why am I explaining this? 

Well, its because I'm going to explain everything easier now.

You now, when you say "PC" you think of a Windows computer right?

Well, neurotypical (normal people) people, are like windows computers. 

Apps, programs and files are optimized for Windows. 

The information exchanged between computers are "windows language". 

The school system is Windows based. 

Everything is Windows optimized.

Now, me, with my weird brain, is a MacBook.

With IOS based programs, apps and files. I have my files, optimized for IOS and my language is IOS based.  

Now, put a Mac in a Windows environment and some stuff will work! But not all. I can read files but not open them. I can se that a file exist but I can't interact with it, even when other Windows PC:s  are spamming me, waiting for a response from that specific file.

And that fucking sucks. 

With medicin, habilitation and hard work, I can install file converters. 

Unfortunately, those will be installed from a Windows point of view, with many trials and errors, while other windows PC:s will trash talk my efficiency. 

So this is to you guys on the internet and IRL shouting that autism and ADHD/ADD doesn't exist or/and that medicin doesn't work because "medicin business just wants to earn money from you". 

Autism/ASD, ADHD/ADD does exist. 

It is not "just want some attention".

It is not fake.

It is not "is just really shy but when we go out it get a bit better". 

It is not "just to practice".

And most of all, IT IS NOT CAUSED BY VACCINES! It is something you are born with!

I hope I have shed some light on this, and for people STILL arguing about this, please remove yourself from my field of sight and hearing. 

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I'm writing this on the train to Gothenburg mostly because I wanted to write some stuff off and well, I don't have so much else to do.

These last couple of days have been so tiring. I would wake up, not feeling rested, the weather haven't given any energy and my knees hurt.
Yeah i know, I'm old...
My knees have always been bad, and often at winter they hurt like a mother* every time I step outside.
This year, they apparently thought it was a good idea to start early and start aching in F-ing September. Because you know, fuck me.

Now I have complained a few times on Facebook and Instagram that I miss food, and that I'm working out to lose weight.
It all went well and stuff but now I've kind of stopped at 54,6 kg, and I've put going to the gym a bit on the self now because it hurts to much in my knees.
And, to be honest, I wasn't really unhappy with the way I ate or how I looked, I'm just a bit uncomfortable with people walking up to me and calling me fat.

This is how "fat" I'm now.
I got some fat sticking out on my sides but really... I'm comfy.
I guess that I kind of fell for a bit pressure to look like people want me to look like, a flat tummy and so thin ribs show.
I will probably continue with my diet a bit, mostly because I think that eating less sugar and more fat is a good thing, but I won't be so picky with it.
And I love cake and cookies. I can't live without them.

The cake was a lie because I ate it.



So! I think it's day 13 now on my diet and exercising... I've lost count.
So far, I've lost 3,4 kg, it doesn't sound like much, but those 3,4 kg is gone from my stomach and boobs. Sad face on the last part though... 😭
Today i just been... slowing down. I was at the welfare centre and talked some, and I got a program working on my computer, and I made some lchf chocolate squares.
Yesterday was so... it was an understatement to say that I was tired.
The day before yesterday I was at the hospital in Uddevalla and made some test to check my reaction, memory, learning speed, eye memory, hearing memory, concentration, my patience and a lot of other stuff.
I don't think I have been writing about this here, but some off you know that I have been going through an psychiatric examination to get an understanding of my problems, what I could need help with and if it any other help I could get, for example therapy.
I've been to 5 of those now and I got just 1 more left, the last one, and they will tell me, psychologist and doctor together what my needs are.
Or, as my dear psychiatrist said yesterday to almost every test I've taken,
"I got your results here and I can see that your work memory is... really below average. Extremely. " and then she continued with
"I first thought that you would need to re take the test but all these *a bunch of tests I took* says the same thing"
That first part, she said to EVERY test I took. About 10-15 of them, depending on how you count.
The first time it was fine.
The rest of them felt a little like kicking a laying down person... 😰🔫

I feel like I deserve this.. It's fluffy and so cute, and would be awesome to have at home...
I had one similar before but it broke and that made me sad, because if it something that I can't get enough off, it's fluffy and cozy sleep wear. Like, I have a drawer full off just sleep wear, I use everything and I refuse to throw any off it away. Seriously, I can't completely close my drawer..



So, first of all, day 8 on my diet and to be honest, my suger addiction is kind of gone, even though I have already cheated a few(many) times, mostly because I don't have the food to eat to get full. 

Yes I have lost some weight, not much, but enough to see a tiny difference on my stomach. And no, I'm not going to show you. I didn't take a "before" pic, mostly because I want to think that I'm happy with my body no matter the shape. (A lie but still...) 55,8 kg now! 5,8 kg more to go! 

But! I ordered some food from Coop to be delivered on Monday, until then I will eat my minced meat in strained tomatos.



So I couldn't let go off what she said to me, about me looking round. And when I checked my BMI my self-confidence in my weight sank, I have always thought that I was a few kilo to much, which I always took as a good thing because of my eating disorder before.

The japanese have this thing, they have baned obesity. And what obesity is for them is a waist line (for women) smaller then 80 cm. And I do! My waistline is 78 so I thought that I was fine.

But. I couldn't stop thinking, "Am I really so fat that a person tell me that? Have my efforts to eat every day, what I want, whenever I want gone to far?"

So I decided to lose some weight.

I have started to go to the gym, and I have started to dieting.

The first day was hard. I was constantly hungry, and the amount I regularly eat suger in candy and soft drinks was suddenly cut to zero so I had some difficulties with that.

The second day I noticed that even I haven't done really anything yet I was a bit more slender, not much just 2 cm of my waist line.

The third day I started to look in to what I was going to eat and not, the days before I just skipped candy and stuff like it and ate tomato soup, and I decided to go with LCHF, and started to go through what I had home that could fit the diet.

The forth day (today) I was so happy that my favorite food, chicken wings with bearnaise sauce was very much welcome on my plate.

I have cheated a few times thou with my diet, I ate half a cinnamon bun, my mango Ice the, the few last Turkisk peppar I had and some dark chocolate.

I know, it sound like I haven't dieting at all, but normally I always go around and snack on stuff, mostly because I concentrate better when eating something, or because I'm bored. So I guess I'm still, really bad with food, years after my eating disorder but the other way around instead.

Anyway! I'm trying to lose weight, my weight goal is 50 kg, then my BMI would be 22,8, in the middle of "healthy and normal" weight scale.

Wish me luck!



So I was browsing around on the internet and I read on a forum about someone who complained over his/hers "hollow-eyed" eyes and were told by multiply people to "shut up and just put on some makeup".

Now, what is "hollow-eyed" that they referred to? Well, it is the absence of fat under the eyes, leaving a dark shadow under the eyes.

Now if you look at my pic here at my blog you should notice that I always takes pics from a upward angel and my glasses covering the lowest part of my eyes.

Why? Because your eyes are drawn to the lowest part of my glasses instead of directly on to my eyes.

Also, if someone looks at my eyes, my glasses adds a shadow over my eyes area that smooth out the area (like my lack of makeup isn't so obvious)

The reason to this is that I don't have any fat directly under my eyes, which makes my eyes have a blue/dark shadow were my eye socket begins.

There is make up apps that can eliminate dark rings under the eyes, and I'm not even sure what to feel about it, mostly because I get happy when I see myself without those rings, and sad because I realize how bad I feel about them:

And when I read the lack of understanding off the his/hers anxiety over the problem I felt it.

Because it's lack of something that makes the skin have its color and shape, its not really something to "just put some makeup on" on it.

If I wanted to achieve the same result like the second picture, I would have to wear something to replace the lack of fat and shape, for example, latex. Then a color corrector, concealer, foundation and then high lighter, just to match my regular skins color.

I have looked up what fillers under the eyes cost, what the cons with it is and stuff and even if I could look like the second pic, it wouldn't be worth it. (Mostly because there is a risk of it getting worse, and if done incorrectly, you could turn blind.)

The thing I wanted to point out with this all, is the beauty ideal.

No one have told me that my eyes are ugly. (Excluding my bullies is school, altho they just told me I was ugly, they didn't specify what part of me was ugly)

The magazines don't, they just have articles of how to get rid of stress bags.

So why do I, and someone on Flashback, feel bad about our eyes?

Well the truth is, most beauty ideals isn't sat by magazines, make up companies, and so on, it is by our self. We have learned that we should feel bad about our looks, no matter how pretty we are.

If I wasn't insecure about that, I would probably feel bad about the shape of my face or my hair line.

So my random message today with this post is,

Please, no matter what you think about your eyes, nose, forehead, feet, hands, and so on, you are beautiful and awesome just the way you are. ❤

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The day before yesterday I was walking to Oden to buy some stuff.

And I meet and old friend, whom I waved to, and she approached me with the words "You look round".


Yeah, that was my reaction too.

Doubting that I heard right, I said "Please stop saying I'm fat. I need to go."

And then she brutally said, "No, I didn't say you look fat, I said that you are round! ....Are you okay?"

Because, asking someone after if they are okay after telling then TWICE that they look round suddenly makes everything okay.


Not sure what to say, I'm just going to be mad and write a bunch of stuff about what media wants someone to look like, about how "everyone" is affected off it, and that apparently 3 kg more then my BMI wants me to is making me look "round"...

So thank you person who told me I look round. Like I didn't already have eating disorder scars.

Fuck you.

I'm taking my 3 kg with 5 extra cookies.

And some cake.



So today I got a message from CSN.

They basically told me that I need to send then more evidence that I can't study 100%.

Like if my studies previously didn't prove that..

So I have to bother my schools administration again and ask for the same thing in a different format to them.

And, you know how a 30 hp in one term is 20 weeks of full time study?

Yeah, apparently 15 hp isn't half-time (50%).

Apparently that is 25%.


What kind of math is that?

I do better math then that, and I don't know how to multiply in my head.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to start taking violin lessons, and on wednesday I'm going to Göteborg to buy a book.

So yeah. Thats my life right now.

And, I'm waiting for a 700 kr hospital bill.

Because, you know, it is expensive as fuck to deal with depression and mental disorder/abnormality.

Seriously, I think I have put down around 1500 - 2000 in 1 and a half year just to have someone sit across and tell me that my work memory sucks.

I'm like a computer with a weirdly wired CPU and 2 GB of RAM.

I feel the love from the rest of the world, I'm that kind of computer that is on sale and is of no use at all.



I wanted to try to put Me in words.
Who I am, what I feel, what my dreams and thoughts are.
That is what I have been doing in this blog for a long time now, and people, my readers, my friends and others, probably have grown tired of me complaining over silly things, complaining over that I feel bad, something that happen, things that does not really matter.

If you are in a good mode, stop reading. You won't feel good after this wall of text.

You have been warned.

I don't know what you guys thinks about me or my blog. Maybe you just read because you feel forced to because otherwise I won't share my thought with you. Maybe you read because you care about me, my life and my problems. Maybe you read to feel better about yourself, because, as long as the world isn't so bad as I describe it, it's not so bad.
I don't know.
And I haven't asked.

This blog, is my gateway to the world.

I have before said that I am a bit off, and the reason why is because my brain isn't the same as everyone else.
The thing that I didn't explain is how it feels.

I am trapped in my own head.
I walk around, with a meat prison. I am trapped and I'm screaming.
My hands are bloody from punching the walls, my voice is cracked and my throat dry. The air is running out and I can't do anything but cry.

Before, when I was a kid, I tried to break out by praying. I prayed to die.
When that didn't happen, I tried to hang myself from a football goal, not thinking of the weight of my body would make the goal fall. I walked around with my back hurting a week after because of my mistake.

Next, I climbed up a mountain (for me it was a mountain, in reality it was a hill with a big rock imbedded, the highest fall possible was probably around 2,5 m) thinking that if I jumped my meat prison would break.
It didn't.
I just hurt my tailbone and got a scraped knees and bruises all over my body for not thinking about gravity.

After this I kind of gave up, I realized that I didn't want to die.
I just wanted my prison to break.

The 3rd try was me climbing up the school roof, the fire escape stairs was perfect. I sat down and tried to think. I thought that maybe if I really jumped, if I climbed to the top and just let go, no one would miss me.

This was a time when the fighting in my family was at the beginning of the worst, I told them that I refused to participate in contest and that I didn't want to do something I was obviously really bad at.
And I really wanted it all to just stop. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again, just disappear and letting everyone who told me that I was useless and that I would end up at the bottom of the society, not ever doing anything right.
But then a car when by.
And he turned.
And stopped.
The guy, some passing guy who got lost, only speaking English, saw me and asked me if I was okay and if he should call someone.

I probably looked like a wreck, tiny and crying, yelling back a lie about being ok and that I just sat there, that it was nothing to worry about.
He told me that he wouldn't leave until I climbed down so after drying my tears I did.
He asked me to stay so he could call someone and I said "no, I'm going home".
And I ran.

This random guy, I didn't ask his name, I didn't say thank you, That night I was happy, some stranger had saved me, then maybe, just maybe I wasn't completely without value.
I have always been told that I should watch my self, because I hade the genes of my parents.
That I, could turn up as my mother,

And, I'm sorry mother, I am terrified of that.
I love you of all my heart, but that is a fate that I will never accept.
I am so terrified that I will bear your sickness that I would rather erase myself, then living with that, I have sworn to never bear a child, because I never want that child to be so terrified as I was to become like that.
And still, a stranger was worried about me.

And suddenly I wanted to live.

By now my family started to make taunts about me getting fat because I stopped training.

So I stopped eating.
I got skinny. Really skinny.
And my family didn't stop.
So I started to eat even less.
And then I fainted. Down from some stairs, and I couldn't even feel the pain.
I wasn't even hungry anymore, I just was thinking about getting the numbers down under 30 kg.
And they did, And the taunts stopped. And I was so proud. The next goal was to go under 20.

And I started High School.
The first day of school, my head started to spin, I could feel anything and suddenly I had this need to sit down and my vision turned to nothing.
The only thing I could feel was my head hitting the floor.

Some days I thought, what if I just stopped drinking water and eating anything at all, I would probably die in 3 days.
So I stopped, with the intent to die.
Even if I didn't really wanted to die, I wanted it all to stop.
I wanted everything to just fade off like in a dream.
But then, on the 2nd or 3rd day, I would get so hungry and thirsty.
So I bought soda and snacks, ate the whole bag and drink it all.

Then I would cry, hating myself for being so weak, so useless, so worthless that I couldn't even die properly.
I lost count on how many times I tried that, and when my family found the bags, yelling at me for eating so much snacks, I broke.
I would stand in front of the mirror, yelling at myself for being so fat, so disgusting, so weak.

I started to slowly, slowly give up on being skinny. I didn't care anymore, no matter what I did I would always be fat and ugly. And I started to eat again.
In the beginning it was hard. Really hard. The only thing I could taste was dust.
And then the yellow fat, yellow icky fat looking like from a pimple. I didn't want to swallow it.
First I just spit it out or puked later.
Then I forced my self to swallow. And kept it because I hated the feeling of puking.

And then I meet someone. A friend. He worked at a coffee shop. So I had to eat to be able to stay there and talk.
I was fascinated, someone that didn't reject me or thought that I was weird in a bad way. He just thought that I was weird in a interesting way. So I ate. And ate.

At the end of my second year I was back to "normal" weight.

High School had ended, it was time for me to move and create a life on my own. I was moving to Borås, I had my last dinner at my old home. And the insults and old brawls between me and my family came to light.

So I ran out, I ran to the beach and went inside the really expensive bar. And I ordered some booze. And I drank, the last drink I didn't even have to pay for, because I was hurt and talked to the bartender.
I told him why I was upset and he kept pouring. So I decided.
I had gotten some sleeping pills, yellow pills that was suppost to "keep you asleep for 8 hours" and the maximum pills to be taken was 2.
And I had 2 charts. Drunk, and so tired. So tired of everything. "If they are going to be like that, what is the point? Can't they be nice just one night? 1 single, last night?" I thought. Pressed out everything, 20 pills in my hand, yellow sleeping pills, looking like a treasure in my hand. One after one I put them in my mouth.

That grass taste I will never forget. Some awful smell from them, but they went down. I laid down in the beach, felt the cold hard sand, with the smell from rotten stuff from the ocean in my nose.
First I didn't feel anything. And then my tummy growled. And I puked.

20 yellow pills mixed with food and booze.

Apparently, sleeping pills with booze doesn't kill you. It just makes you feel really bad, and gives you the worst hangover ever.

My friend, I'm sorry. I lied. I didn't throw those away as you asked me. They got buried in the sand of Skummeslövsstrands beach.

Friends, family. I'm sorry. I lied.
I didn't just go for a walk.
I didn't just climb and fell.
I didn't want you to know this, not when I was alive anyway.
But I can't lie anymore.

I'm not fine. I was never fine. I was angry. Angry that I didn't fit in. Angry that I was trapped in my own body. Angry that no one else seemed to be like me. Angry that no one tried to sit down and really talk with me, explaining that even if everyone told me that I was odd, that it was nothing wrong with being odd.
And I was sad.
Sad that I never tried to accept myself, never trying to just be me, always trying to fit in.
Sad that I was alone.

The truth is, I will never fit in. I will never be able to understand why I'm so "wrong" in the eyes of many. I will never forget what was said to me, and I will probably always suffer from low self esteem and self worth in moments of weakness.

I was anorectic. I have tried to kill myself. I have been bullied. I have been alone. I have been told that I would never become something by the people that should have support me.
And I'm finally okay with that.



Ahhh this past week....

Friday last week I went to the Zoo, Borås Djurpark, with my sister and her boyfriend. It was really fun, warm and I was walking around half of the time regretting having a better camera. The baby monkeys was so cute, and it was really intresting to see all the animals and the animals having fun together!

The days after we ate American pancakes and yesterday som yummy white chocolate cheesecake with raspberries.

Today I left Borås and went home, with a bag full off stuff, that gave me bruises on my shoulders! Look!

I also got something intresting from Radiotjänst AGAIN. 

I have told them, I do not have something with a TV receiver in my "apartment". 

The house has one, but that one is payed for, by the landlord. 

And what do they do?

Send me a fucking bill. 

And then another one with a reminder fee, because I wasn't home, and I wasn't expecting a bill. 

So they can take there FUing bill and go die in a corner. I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I DO NOT OWN A TV RECEIVER! THAT DID NOT CHANGE IN 1 MONTH TIME!