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Long time no see.

Days have been long, and I've gone from not been able to catch up on my new course, Wireless Network, to soon have an exam coming up. I got, like 14 days to study everything to perfection. Still need 70% even if its not on the computer this time.

I did something with my back. Took off a shirt and suddenly it got this intense pain in my back, hurting as fuck as I took a breath, when I tried to sit down, move, basically anything. Took painkillers but they didn't really do anything, called the 1177 and got the advice to take a alvedon and try to walk. Now, I need to explain this, this hurt so bad that I was basically crying the whole time. I was so pissed at the operatior that my pain wasn't taken seriously.

Went to the hospital, they poked a little bit on my back and said that my back was really swollen at the place it hurt, my muscles and nerves are on full alert, screaming that something hurt and was wrong. A vertebra is probably pinning some of my back nervs. Was told to take a walk to soften my muscles up and take more painkillers.

I booked a time at the Rygg & Led clinic to get my back correctly cracked and relive the pressure on my nervs. I was told that my back will still hurt a while after I get it corrected but not as much as it does right now.

Its going to be interesting to get to school tomorrow like an old lady 😂

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School starts in one week.

I'm having so much anxiety right now. Its ridiculous. I

have this overwhelming feeling of me not being good enought or being to stupid. I need to be honest and say that I've thought about suicide a lot the last couple of days. Some friends of mine haven't really helped.

I don't think I could really explain the amount of anxiety I get from this. I've walked around and felt like I shouldn't be alive and then gotten panic attacks about "what if I die" just because I've thought about killing myself.

Cause it's not like I really wants to die. I just need my brain to shut the fuck up and calm the fuck down.

My emotions about the school start and the thought of getting back to reality are twisted and makes me confused on what to feel so I put myself in a bottomless pit just because it feels normal. Me, being depressed and feeling like shit, is normal for me. Thats basically me in a nutshell.

Tomorrow I'm off to Lilla Edet just to do a 15 min job, because my boss called me 8 in the morning and told me no one else could take the job.

Not really hyped about spending 55 min on a bus and then walk 1,5 km, have to be professional in about 30 min and then walk the fuck back, to take the bus again.

I'm kind of thinking taking my kick-bike just so that I won't have to walk and be stressed about arriving in time, maybe if I fold it on the bus and tie a band around it so I can carry it like a bag?

Anyway, time to chill with Marvel.

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I just realized that my summer is almost over.

Soon school, CSN and other stuff thats going to make me panic and have anxiety over going to smack me in the face.

I haven't really spent my summer as I planed, nor have I done anything that I actually wanted to do.

On the bright side, I am planning a trip to Ullared! It will be interesting to see what I can find, I haven't really planned on what to buy, just going to stroll around and try not to be super annoyed at everything.

I have been taking a summer course also, first time I gotten in to a summer course! It was just a very easy programming course for beginners, only 3 hp. Just finished it and I'm happy that I got in, it was fun to do easy programming that didn't make me cry.... (*hint* --> INT and OGL...)

My precious, poor beats have officially died now, fully charged and lasted 1 hour.... So I went to shop and bought a new pair of headphones, Bose QuietComfort 35.

Kind of died on the price but damn... The noise cancellation, I am in heaven! Not kidding!

I have always had a hard time with sorting constant noises, I hear constant noises all the time and these... No more. Kids playing VERY loudly outside? A freezer box making a constant beep?

Nopp.

Totalt quiet.

I can't even hear people talking downstairs with these! I am in love with them!

They are my new baby. My new lifeline.

And the sound quality? I can hear how badly my beats sounds now. And to be honest, my concentration have gotten WAY better with these, I don't hear all the background noise, I just put on some music and my world shrinks to what I'm doing.

I know they are expensive, but damn, they are worth every krona.

I was worried that they would be to big for my head, because, you know, I'm tiny, I got them on the smallest size and I forget sometimes I have them on! (Then I take them off and get a bitch slap of the real world in my face but, hey, worth it!)

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It has been a while sense I wrote something.

IDK, but I've been feeling like my words dosen't really come out, What I'm writing isn't really what I want to express.. My words have been feeling empty.

I guess last time I wrote that I got my new computer parts and that my summer vacation just started.

I got in to a summer course, starting next week, only 3 hp tho.

I will be spending my summer going back and forth to Halmstad to help my sister with her moving, I got a haircut and got fat shamed by my moms old translator that I am friends with on Facebook. Yeah, I guess that sums everything up nicely.

Oh, and I'm going to have to fight CSN again. That is always fun..

And I realized today that the battery in my beats is beginning to give up!!

Fully charged and lasted 3 hours...

They are suppost to last... like 20 hours or something IDK, I really never even used them to the end, I just kind of have recharged them at the end of the week.

I've spent this week on mostly on making my home more "complete" by cleaning, putting up power strips on the actually wall instead of on the floor, I have tried to organize my closet but I kind of gave up... And the pantry we are not even going to discuss..

On saturday I'm going to Halmstad again, I will be spending my time building a play house for my sisters 3 cats. It is also about time that I practice CCNA again to make sure I don't lose all the knowledge I have so I don't have to re-learn EVERYTHING at my THIRD time with CCNA 4. Or, well, in reality 2nd and 3rd time for CCNA 3. First time I didn't complete CCNA 2, making me unqualified to read CCNA 4, and not even close to even touch the goals for CCNA 3. 2nd time, CCNA 3 went well, CCNA 4 not.. So yeah, third time is the charm right?

I also spent time playing Minecraft. I got accepted in to a server, and someone called me a nerd. So I build my base as a gigantic TARDIS 😂

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So what is up with me?

Well, I just finished my course, kind of, I still have the exam to do but otherwise, I got a passing grade at the labs, so thats over! Summer is basically here, and I'm enjoying every moment.

Today was deadline for it, and there was a lot less people needing to be graded then I thought. But on the other hand, many gave up and just said fuck it. Mine is working! And it will continue to work for at least 48 hours more, and then my machine will be deleted. Kind of sad, thinking about how much time I spent on that.

Like, my notes from the 7 different labs, is 37 pages. Not kidding. On the other hand, of once I was actually described every important detail. If asked to do the exact same again, I could do it fast thanks to my notes. And that is a good feeling. I don't know if I really picked up the right amount of theory vs practical knowledge but that I guess I will find out on Friday.

Right now I'm waiting for computer parts that I ordered, I already gotten my new Ryzen 5 1600 and Mortar B350M to play with but I'm waiting for my brand new 32000mh RAM. Kind of itches in my fingers to build this one....

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Easter is almost over and I've spent the holiday in somewhere around Vara, or north of Kvänum. The place is called Krusöna any way. I have no idea where it is or what direction I need to go to go home but it's in the middle of the woods, has no electricity or running water. We had a barbecue and ate hamburgers and today we grilled some chop.
We've been on a egg hunt, the kids found 9 eggs that the Easter bunny had hidden. It's snowing, and I'm freezing, because I did not think about how freaking cold it is in the middle of the woods.
Not to self also, one power bank per day to stay is a god idea, and with power bank I don't mean power bank from Jula that didn't even charge my phone to 30% even though I had it on airplane mode.

One thing that I will always appreciate is the ability to go to the bathroom with running water. Seriously, I don't think everyone appreciate it enough.
To go to a place like this is really healthy, fresh wood air feels really good!
Some day, when I'm older, successful and can afford a torp, if I have kids I'm going to force them to spend time there with no internet just to make them play with something other then regular toys and phones, the most fun I had as a kid was with a walking cane, two bushes and 2 loving and fun siblings.

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Today I went to the dentist.

I haven't been there in 3 years I think, and I could feel the anxiety as soon as I stept in to the corridor. I hate dentists. Mostly because I had braces and every time I went to the dentist 3 days of extrem pain waited. So I had that feeling, that I got from that time. When I sat down in the chair I honestly had trouble breathing normally.

They poked my gums with x-rays and pointy metal things to see if my gums would start to bleed if they did. They didn't this time, so I'm happy for that. Thank god. They asked me about my eating habits & my brushing habits and I got the normal talk about how suger destroys the teeth and how I need to flush more often and how soda is the devil spawn from hell here to rot my teeth. Na, just kidding about that last part, but you get the idea.

I was really sure that I got holes in my teeth and I needed to fix them but apparently they were just "startup-holes" and I just needed to flush more and it would be fine. So thats good! But seriously, do I have insanely strong teeth or what the hell? I hear everyone that they got holes to fix and most adults have complained about pain in teeth or that they got holes. I'm pretty sure that last time I was at the dentist they yelled at me for having start up holes.

I was 100% sure that they would be actual holes now considering my eating and the amount of times I forget to brush. Like, the amount of times is embarrassing and when I'm reminded of it I feel like a failed adult. I'm pretty sure thats why they invented tooth-bleaching, because people like me!

Any ways, its easter, and I'm off to my sisters summer place to celebrate a holiday I haven't cared about since my dad stopped giving me a gigantic plastic easter egg with a red colored feather thing on top and candy inside.

Have a good easter everyone!

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So what is up with me?

I failed my exam on CCNA 3 & 4.

I realized how much my anti-depressiv is actually helping because I didn't feel like killing myself because of it, I just ate a family size pizza.

I have a new course going, Internettjänster, in which I'm setting up a CentOS server.

I ate my first school-made hummus sandwich and I totally get why they are always sold out.

AND, after searching 6 hours I finally found the command I was looking for, firewall-cmd --add-icmp-block-inversion.

That commando reverse the function of icmp-block, instead of blocking it allows only those icmp-types that you add!

So with:

firewall-cmd --add-icmp-block-inversion

firewall-cmd --add-icmp-block=echo-reply

firewall-cmd --add-icmp-block=echo-request

Only ping is allowed instead of all ICMP types.

Side note: it is very important to enable inversion first and then add icmp blocks because otherwise the added types will still be blocked.

Not even page 12 of Google had that fucker! I had to sit and scroll through all firewall-cmd commandos to find it!

And the reason why I'm writing it here is because I have no one to tell about it so I'm forcing it on to people that reads my blog instead. Sorry. 😜

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So there been a month now.

I've eaten Mirtazapin and Ritalin for a month and honestly there been a few changes.

1. I get hungry. Like, I HAVE TO eat 3 times a day now, or I will kill someone.

2. I have better routines now. Being forced to eat one medicine on the morning and one on the evening make me actually do the morning stuff ON the morning and not 1 in the afternoon.

3. When eating Ritalin I don't panic as much as I used to do when there was a change of plan or something wasn't completely clear.

4. I sleep. Like, I actually sleep and not just tossing and turning 6-7 hours a day for a month and then completely exhausted for an another month "sleeping" 12 hours a day. Now I sleep, deep, 8-10 hours a day and wake up refreshed.

5. I've gotten more days that doesn't feel completely shit. Yes I still have days when I'm sad because I'm sad, and I feel completely useless and I feel like I have no reason to be alive. Now I have more and more days where I feel okay. Not good or bad, just being okay with everything. It doesn't feel like I'm drowning anymore.

6. I haven't had as many "off" hours as I used to have. With off, I mean hours that I just haven't got the energy to do anything, I just lay in my bed and pretend I don't exist. With not as many off hours I feel like my day gotten more hours to get things done.

7. I might just started to feel real hope for the future. And I don't mean my desperate wishes I've had before "maybe in the future I will become more like everyone else!" or "One day in the future I will be happy!". I mean, I feel okay being me and I feel that I can live with me being me like this.

The downsides with these medicines are that I'm gaining weight. Like, a lot. I'm being forced to go to the gym more often and think about WHAT I eat and not just eat. I also get light anxiety attacks if I forgotten to take my evening medicine the day before. And my mouth feel like Sahara the whole day if I forget to drink water before I go to bed and directly when I get up.

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There has been a lot going on now!

I got an appointment to the adult mental health care center this week, I'm going to meet my doctor again and talk about how I felt that I was miss treated and open up the discussion about Mirtazapin as a was to counter my sleeping difficulties and my depression in one go. I also want to discuss Concerta vs Ritalin and what my possibility are.

It is idiotic that I as a patient has to contact the chef of my doctor to get to discuss medicin that I was sent there to discuss... But! I have big hopes for this new discussion, and I will do my best not to get passively mad on my doctor, me feeling resentment to the place that is suppost to fix me is not good.

CSN has finally stopped making my life difficult (After 6 months) so I went to the hair dresser, bought hair color and wax for waxing my eye brows (yes, I'm extremely lazy with my eye brows), decor plastic and fixed the ugly side of my freezer, and hopefully if I get my thumb out of my ass, I will go shopping for food tomorrow!

I'm really happy with my new hair, my toes are healing and I just have to keep on fighting!

I'm sorry. I'm really trying to be positive, to find the silver lining. I've been buying things and fixing myself to make myself feel pretty and stuff but I just... I don't want to write another depressing post about how everything sucks and how I feel worthless. I'm desperate to not feel this way any more, I don't want to be that kind of person, the kind no one wants to be around because I'm sad all the time. I've been trying, and I'm still trying. I want to stab myself in the chest, I want to feel my heart to stop beating. If I got the choice to die fast and pain-less with no worries about everything I would take it. I keep fighting every day, but as soon the night falls I have no energy left. I will keep my smile at day, but at night I want to die. And I'm so sorry for not having more strength.

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