I will never ever be able to explain or show these two how grateful & thankful I am for them. or how much I appreciate everything they do for me. the last month they have been by my side threw everything cheering me up. they make me the happiest I've been in a very long time. I don't know what I'd do without them. there my rock. there my everything & if I lost them I'd lose my self.💖

these two, I will never let go. I love them more than words can say💖
can't believe I got so lucky to have an amazing best friend & boyfriend & family right now.💖 life is truly looking up even tho I'm sicker then hell.💖

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when people say when one door closes another one opens they really mean it. I can't believe how lucky I have gotten & how much my life is changing for the better.❤

I didn't think I'd be able to move on & be happy again. little did I know. I never truly was happy till now. this boy steals my heart more n more every second & the future looks so much brighter than it did before.❤

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life update: after fighting so hard for jt, he completely shattered my heart. I went down hill. thankful for my best friend ky who helped me stay together.❤ also all the friends n family that were there to support me.

then I met this cute boy.❤ & all I can say is I can't believe I got so lucky, realizing my last relationship was beyond toxic. now for once I have an amazing man.❤ best friends.❤ family.❤ & we just found out today we will be moving in the next few months as soon as the house is all fixed up & I can not explain the happiness, joy & excitmenet I have for this new life & beginnings.❤

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the memories are slowly drowning me. the feelings are tearing my insides apart. but on the out side of course I look okay. that's how I was raised. you don't show the battle your facing.

if I had a chance to change everything for you I would. I would do whatever you want. what you need. but you won't even give me a chance. I was changing for you. but you walked away. just like every other man in my life.

how am I suppose to move on when I know your my one n only. when I know for a fact I want to spend the rest of my life with you. how do I walk away from our goals & plans? I can't. so for now I will still continue to pretend there our goals. I will work my ass off for you. I will do everything you wanted me to do. because than maybe just maybe you might come back. & if you don't well I hope I change into a better person & find my self along the road.

I will never stop loving you.

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just when you think things are going good they hit the fan... I really thought me & you were doing good. I thought we were on the right track. I thought we were going to make it threw everything. but ever since that night I've been so broken. I don't think you realize the pain you brought me. or how bad you hurt me. weather something happened or not it hurt that you were with her. I left because I didn't wanna make a scene in front of all of our friends. so I ran away. what choice did I have? now I wish I never did. your mistake caused my mistake. I came back for you as soon as you woke up. I came straight to you & talked to you. I know it was fighting. I know I was proabkey unfair. but I was thinking about us. because you were my everything. but she keeps coming between us. & I don't think you really understand the hurt I feel. I don't think you realize the way she treats me. all the questions everyone is asking me. & every single time my heart broke a little more. & that night it was shattered. I do think people said things to make the situation worse. which I still don't understand. but I didn't know what to believe think or even react. so I ran. I wish you would see things threw my eyes. I just wanted to be your everything. but she kept getting in the way. I know she means a lot to you & I'm really sorry. I really am. but I thought I ment more to you. but I also guess I was wrong.. I gave you your space because you seemed to not wanna be around me & I don't blame you. but what hurt the most is we were suppose to work threw everything. our last fight we decided to be together. to work threw stuff not take breaks & break up. so I thought we would work threw it. I know you saw me "happy" but the thing was I wasn't really happy. my friends kept me busy so I wouldn't hurt my self. just like you wanted. now I wish they would have let hurt my self. just because you see doesn't mean that's the actual thing. I have mastered hidding my feelings. I pretended to be okay for you. but I guess you took it the complete opposite. now I'm here, breaking down crying. you were my everything. we had goals together. we had a future. I was pushing to get a full time job. I was going to do everything I could to make you happy & be what you needed but I didn't even have the chance. I'm tired of this pain in my heart. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of being drained. I'm tired of being scared & lonely. I'm tired of all the heart ache. I'm tired of over thinking. I'm tired of missing you. I'm tired of wishing you'd come back. I wish you would. I wish you would pick me up in a hug & just let me cry. let all this stupid emotions out. I've never wanted someone as much as I wanted you. you saved me. you are my happiness. but I guess I wasn't yours. I just wish I knew why. what I did to mess this up completely. what I did to make you leave so fast. I don't understand.

but I guess I wish you the best. I hope your happy. & I hope you follow your dreams. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed. or wanted.

just remember I will always love you. more than anything.

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today was by far filled with mixed emotions. showing up to my cousins wedding & seeing my biological dad for the first time since I was 11. tried talking to me & I went into full panic. been holding back tears for hours. I want answers. I want a dad figure. I want to feel the love of a dad.

broke & texted him. asking for answers. I'm terrified. but this is a start. fear can't control me. giving my dad one more chance. this will be the prof of what I mean to him. could go really good. or go really bad.

praying he doesn't break my heart again. cause a dad that breaks your heart is a lot worse then a normal heartbreak.

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tonight. this week. this month. this last few months have been crazy.

since the wreck life has been a roller coaster. recently I have brought to my attention & actually realized. having fibro, ms, or Lyme's disease is actually serious.

I thought I was just fibro if I ignored it, it would go away, it did for a little bit but always comes back. but realizing it could be more serious like ms or Lyme's disease is scarying the shit out of me.

not only that but its tearing me down. as much as I try to stay positive. it's hard having no one understand besides my aunt who is miles away. I hate bailing on friends because I'm too weak. I can tell it upsets them & it kills me. I wish I didn't struggle with this.

I've noticed as well I'm a lot more angry. I can't even explain why. I just am angry over everything. maybe its because I hate my self. I hate my body. I hate this sickness. realizing I hate a lot of things in life. mostly being alone.

the more I feel alone the more I get mad. at my self. & the people around me. I wish they realized I needed them. but at the same time. why drop there life for me?

I am accepting I'll never be my self again. & im prepared to lose the ones I love the most. I'm prepared to lose a lot. I guess sickness does that to you. people lose interest & leave. nothing new. but it'll never stop hurting.

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You'd think after
5 cats
a dog
2 lizards
& a fish
I'd be done taking in & rescuing animals, but this cute girl stole my heart.❤ they all have.❤ I haven't had much joy or excitement lately but this little shit has picked me back up.❤ yes the animals drive me insane some days, & some moments. but they all have a place in my heart & it makes me dream even more of having a rescue farm in the future.❤

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Tonight I'm taking control. Tired of living in a place I hate. Tired of fake ass friends. Tired of being stressed. From now on I will work till I reach my goals. By December I will:

💎 pay off all debt/hospital bills
💎 be in or moving into a new house
💎 working part time & working full time it works
💎 I will be diamond or double diamond
💎 have a better vehicle or going to get a better vehicle

Game plan to reach my goals.❤
💎 apply for jobs every day until I get one
💎 focus on it works 2-3 hours a day
💎 sell camera & buy new one
      - practice more photo shoots for extra $
      - build credit
💎 start savings
💎 do anything I can to save or earn money
💎 stay focused
💎 self development everyday

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The last few days have been a mass of emotions. I've had yet another fibromalgia out break. I'm so used to pain that I just push threw, but when these outbreaks happen I feel so alone. yes. I look okay on the out side but on the inside it is pain you would never imagine. yes I'm fine one second & can barely walk the next. no I'm not faking it. please don't say that. that's when the depression & anxiety & stress kicks in. expeshally with the jokes. I already beat my self up enough. I wish you could walk in my shoes, but at the same time I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. its not even just pain, its the brain fog, the feeling crazy, the cravings, the depression, the mood changes, the struggling to get out of bed, to make it to work, to complete task, to follow threw with plans. & the more I push my self when the out break is here the worse I feel the next day. the worse I feel over the next few hours. the headaches. the nausea. I wish you would be patient with me. I wish you would try to understand. some days I am forced to stay inside, & yes I will push you away because I don't want to complain & annoy you. but yes I will be upset when you leave. I'm sorry some days I fringe at the touch of you, or pull away, or tell you to stop it hurts. I know your not meaning too I know your trying to play, but some days the feeling of my clothing hurts. a breeze on my skin makes me cringe. & that is what I mean by I sound crazy. some days I can't even explain the pain so you think its not there or its not that bad. which is far from wrong. I miss the hobbies & things I use to do. I miss having fun pain free laughing. when you say I'm fine just exercise just come just do it hurts more then anything. you think I want to be stuck in bed, in side, you think I don't wanna go to work, that I don't want to hang out, that I just want medication. which is far from it. I beat my self up when I can't work, because we struggle financially you think I like living broke? when I can't hang out & want to stay in you think I want to be alone? you say I can't have medication, I don't want medication but a break from this pain that might work might not with all the side affects is what I want? I'm sorry I can't be what you want. or do what you want. I'm sorry I can't give a massage when you've ha a long day, I'm sorry I struggle waking up on time. I'm sorry I take forever to complete a task, I'm sorry I can't be what you want & need. please notice I'm trying my hardest. & I already feel not good enough & want to run away so I'm not such a pain to everyone. when I say I'm not good enough it is a true feeling because I feel not normal & it beats me up. I can't be what you need. many have left during these times, I expect you to leave. because I understand. but I pray that you won't. that one day you will understand what this is like.

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Today all I can imagine is the cabin house in sanaquin, how perfect it would be to live there. To be living with my grandma & my handsome man. To have an office I can work in & train my team in! Have the back yard for Bitsy & the kittens to run around & play. To have a new start meeting new people & new opportunities. Waiting for the call saying "you were approved you can move in the end of October!" then having my CEO email me saying that $7,000 was placed in my account for going diamond & gaining my $5,000 bonus! Going diamond is easy for me this month, I am attracting people who want this opportunity who want an extra income, they have the drive to go ruby & get there $500 bonus in 2 weeks & there completeling that goal! My team is all working to go ruby & they are killing it! they are signing people every day, I am signing people every day, I'm excited for kylee to message me saying " I got the $99 I'm ready to get started!" & my mom messaging me saying "I'm ready to get started what do I need to do" I will have my best friend & my mom working with me changing our lives together. we are driven & hungry for me & we are reseving more. I love that my job allows me to dream & work like this to help new team members reach there goals. to help my team go emerald & ruby! i love the chance to move into a bigger nicer cabin house with a huge back yard! my dream house! dream it. imagine it. believe it. & you'll reseve it.

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New blog. New start. New life. New me.

I couldn't decide if I wanted this to be a venting blog or a memory blog. So I decided to make it a positive life changing blog. I'll be sharing memories. Positive things & changes just a me blog I guess.

So my first post is pretty much a whole new start, & that is because I'm looking forward to some new changes. While battling depression, anxiety, PTSD, & panic disorder. This last few months have been beyond stressful. But what better way to bring positivity to situation to attract positivity.

Jt found out/announced yesterday that he would be moving to sanaquin. Me with anxiety broke down into an attack today was filled with fighting & arguing. We finally worked it out & have decided to work harder so that I can move down there. I'm a little nervous & scared to get my hopes up, but I have something to work for. We found the perfect cabin house & I'm praying we get it.

I'm excited to better my self, & hopefully start a future with Jt & move forward. We may fight & get upset with each other but I wouldn't trade him for anything. We are a normal couple that gets into fights, but we work threw them. It'll be a year & 8 months coming up in a few days. If we have made it this far with everything life has thrown at us I know we can get threw anything. 

I am also making changes in my business to grow for my self & my team, & my future team. & for my family.

Praying that hard work & motivation pay off. I'm willing to do anything to get me into the new house.

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