I, just like everyone else, have had a few ups and downs in my life. I know that's not an excuse for what I'm doing now, but I think it'd might be an explanation. I'd never be mean to anyone on perpouse, but I know I shouldn't keep doing what I'm doing.

I seem to always ignore and push people away. One friend of mine tried to reach me for a whole month, and I know that he knows that I've read his messages. The thing is that I didn't answer him. And this was a month ago, because suddenly he just stopped. This was during a period when I felt really down, and I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. I just wanted to focus on my carrier (not that I've gotten very far, but anyway) and I thought everyone was better of without me. During that period, ignoring the world seemed like the only right thing to do, but now I really regret it. In one way I knew that I wouldn't be proud of my actions later on, but it still seemed reasonable.

I wish I had the guts to say I'm sorry. I wish I dared to explain why I act like I do, but everytime I think about it my heart turns into a stone, I get a stomachache and a headache, I feel sick and get all dizzy. I just wish I had the courage. I don't. Some people would probably tell me to just do it. I always tell myself to stop being shy, but believe me, it's not that easy. I hear people say all the time, "he stopped texting me" or "she just ignores me" so I know I'm the bad guy. I know I hurt people, and I know I hurt myself, so why do I keep doing it?

One reason is that I'm afraid I will get hurt again. I'm too weak to take it one more time, so I hurt myself before someone else does it. That's logical. After all, I am a sensitive girl with a fragile heart. Most people realises that, and I suppose that's a reason why they are a bit strange, like they don't know how to act around me. Another reason is that I know I will mess up, so I mess up on purpose before I accidentally do it. When people first meet me they notice that I am very quiet and shy, so sometimes they try to get to know me so they get me to release my shield. I don't. Most of the time. So I cut them off before they realise that I'm just as boring when they know me as when they don't.

So yeah, that's me. Quite depressing, huh? But believe it or not, I actually have some friends. I just don't see them that often. Lesson of the day: social anxiety is NOT funny.
But that's it for this time.

Love, Josephine

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School has started again. Some people find it harder to go back to school when they have been free for a while. Of course I don't like school. Crowds in all the corridors, not daring to speak to anyone, once again being referred to as "that quiet girl". I don't like the girl I turn into when I get to school, but in some way I think I get a new opportunity to start over after every break. But taking that opportunity and turn it into actions is the really hard part.

So, who do I want to be? Sometimes I don't feel like there's anything to like about me. I look into the mirror and all I an see is some ugly girl who doesn't deserve to be loved by anyone. Some days are better, some days are worse. Sometimes, when I sit by my desk, with my guitar in my lap and a pencil in my hand, I can feel that I really like what I do. Like my work is actually okay. At least until someone asks if they can listen. Then I feel insecure about my work. And when they do listen, and says that it's really good, I can't help but feel like they're lying because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

How to you know if someone who likes you says something because they honestly think so, or because they're just expected to say it? I don't want to reach out to the big world until I know if I've got a chance or not. I'm way to fragile. If I first get a lot of false compliments, how can I then survive a lot of negative critique when I'm not used to it?

I know. When someone asks you how they sound when they sing, or some other thing you didn't really like, you can't just say that it was awful. You have to say that they're at least good. At least if you're like me, and you hate making people sad. Been there done that. But then there's people who's work is to tell the truth. Like in my case my music teachers. I've never heard any of them say that I'm bad, but still. Maybe they're not that good at their job? Or they just says I'm good when I do improvements? Then it doesn't mean I'm not bad.

Then there's people who tells the truth. I'm talking about the internet. The fact that you can be anonymous is both good and bad. It gives people courage to be mean and no one knows who they are. Of course not everyone are like that. Most people tell the truth, what they really think, anonymous or not. Those are the people who scares me the most, because those are the people who actually matters. Who decides if you're good enough to keep doing what you're doing or if you should find another profession. Bu how do I know who those people are?

I know that I have to be less self critical, but let's face it, we all are. And who can we blame if not the society? I know. This is getting old. Bit I'll tell you, you don't have to be amazing or even good at something to enjoy doing it.

Love, Josephine

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My autumn break is leaning towards its ending. I've had sick a great time in London! The weather has been amazing, I've visited a few stores I've never been to before, and then the musical. In fact, we were so excited after we had seen Wicked, that we brought tickets for another musical the evening after. So yesterday we went to see Miss Saigon. It was really good. I must say I liked the music and the story in Wicked better, but the other one seemed so much more mature, interesting, realistic and sad. Everyone was really good actors, and a fre had singing voices one can just dream of having. Seriously, those main character girls just can't be human.

I hope that I one day will be able to stand on a stage like that. Sure, it's just a childish dream, but some dreams actually do come true. Like I've said before, my ultimate goal is to become a professional singer songwriter, and I think that if I work hard and find a way a can actually make it. And maybe, just maybe, I can get a role in a musical some time in the future.

Enough about that. I'm trying to enjoy what I have left of my break. I'm going back to school on Monday, something I'm not very exited about. Oh well, I've got a concert with my school soon, so I'll have something to prepare for. Now I'll just try not to think about that, but relax during my flight home. See you when I'm back in Sweden!

Love, Josephine

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I'm on my way!
London, here I come!
Right now I'm sitting on the plane and looking out from the aeroplane window. The world seem so small from up here. And big at the same time. The cities with their small houses, the fields that seem big on the ground, they are noting compared to the never ending ocean.

I quite like to fly. The start and the landing can be a bit rough, but at the same time it's really exciting to know that you soon will set your feet on a whole new place, far away. When I travel I can be another person. I can pretend that I'm an interesting and classy woman, that I'm confident, and no one will know that I'm just acting. When nobody knows me, I can be anyone.

I find that a quite helpful when it's hard to get throughout the day and I just want to be anyone else but myself. Pretending. Acting. It's hard, but it helps. Fake it till you make it.

I know I love London, and I'm really exciting to get there again. Now I'm just going to look out on the beautiful view, and keep looking forward to the adventure I'm going on.

See you soon, so take care!

Love, Josephine

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This summer I went on a huge journey. I went to Japan for almost a month with a group of 40 people. These people came from all around Sweden, and I only knew a few of them before I went away. This became a huge part of my life, and I learned a lot of things about myself and other people, but I think I will write more about the trip later.

Now I'm going to write about one specific girl. The first time I saw her I thought she was really pretty, with and without makeup. She seemed to be that kind of girl, you know, popular, social and maybe a bit bitchy. I know, that is a bit mean to say, but I have to be honest. I thought she was that kind of person who would never notice me, never learn my name and never ever care about me. I couldn't have been more wrong.

One day I was sitting alone in the room I shared with three other girls, this specific girl was one of them. While everyone else was being social, playing cards or taking a walk, I was sitting and writhing lyrics to a new song, when this girl walks in. She looks surprised and says hi, and then asks me what I'm doing to which I tells the truth. I'm writhing songs and I like to be alone (olnly half true). She says that she understands. Then all suddenly we start talking, and she opens up and tells me her problems, things she hasn't told anyone before. I do the same, and then we hugged and then she left. I was alone again, but I had gained a new friend.

Now, this thing with friends has never been my thing. I can be really nice, but then I start to ignore you all sudden. This is what happened a month after we came home to Sweden. I got depressed once again, and thought that no one wanted to hear from me. I thought everyone looked down on me and saw me as boring and lame, because that's how I saw myself.

Now it has gotten better. I'm on medication, and I work on my social problems. About a week ago I got a text message from this girl. She said that she knew that I hated her, that she had noticed that I didn't want to have anything to do with her and said that if I told her what she had done she would leave me alone forever. By that se said goodbye and told me to have a good life. I started crying. I didn't hate her. I thought she didn't want to have anything to do with me. I explained my situation to her, and she seemed to understand. I've met her twice since I got that text, and we seem to act as if it all is okay.

Is it? I don't know. I really don't want to lose her. But how can I keep her as a friend if I don't want to text her because I don't know if she want to hear from me anymore, or I don't want to hang out because I get too nervous and come up with a lame excuse?

Oh well, it seems like she understands my situation, so hopefully we can stay friends. See you soon.

Love, Josephine

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You can really feel the ice in the air now. The summer is gone, and cold winds has taken its place. I love the summer, too bad it's so short. Sweden is not my country. I would say that I want to move to the UK, but something tells me it's just as cold there.

At least it's autumn break soon. I'm really looking forward to it! I'm going to London to watch the musical wicked. I have been to London once before, and I can't wait to go back there! Just as the rest of the world I love the british accents, english fudge and Harry Potter. I hope to go to the Harry Potter exhibition, but I'm afraid it will be too crowded.

I have some problems with crowded places, so I'm a little afraid of how I will react to the undergrounds in London. Hopefully I will be fine, and if not, it's just for a few days. I suppose I have to face my fears if I ever want to get rid of them. Besides, I'm not going to let my troubles stop me from having a great time.

Anyway, I'll see you soon.

Love, Josephine

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I study Music on a school where the students who do study Music are nown for being very open, loud and get along with everyone in their class really good. I'm not like that. I have more of a silent personality, I don't talk so much and I don't know anyone that well. This can easily make anyone feel lonley. Dont get me wrong, I'm not alone. At least not that alone. Most of the times. It just hurts to see everyone else get along so well, while I just feel like I'm in a way invisible.

At the same time I really don't want to complain. I know that there are a lot of people who feel worse than I do, and that I make such a big deal of my problems makes me feel even worse about myself. People tells me that I don't complain much at all, and that I should start taking care of my own problems instead of worrying about others. I suppose they are right. But that does not make it any easier.

You've heard it all before. People tend to make their problems bigger than they are, so how do you know which problem is serious? When it comes to mental health, you cannot just take a blood sample to prove that you've got a disease like depression. All the doctors can judge you by is your words. Words mean talking in this case. Something I don't like to do.

Oh well, I will stop now. I am on my way up, and some days are better while some days are worse. But that's not abnormal. And just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean that everyone else are.

So take care!

Love, Josephine

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So I guess this is me. A normal swedish girl in her teens who worries about absolutely everything. I study music which is my greatest interest, and I have dream of becoming a professional songwriter.

I'm new to this blogging thing, but I have wanted to try it for years now. I love to write and I hope that I somehow will be able to inspire people by sharing my thoughts and experiences.

I have social anxiety among other problems, and I hope this blogg can be a way to express my feelings and at the same time help others. I am not expecting people to read my texts, I do this because I want to give myself a chance. Any other accomplishment is just a bonus.

And that's about it for now. Just a quick hello to interduce myself.

Love, Josephine

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