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Once Upon A Time I Was Alive

Walking Dream and Sleeping Life

THE DECLINE OF MY MIND

it was the first time i had been to a club since my hospitalization. my friend invited me to her favorite lounge and, regardless of the hermit i had become, i felt it was my duty as a loyal friend to be her chaperon. i have always considered going out equivalent to the exploration of Saturn and the only way to return home was to blindly travel through space. in my youth, space travel was exhilarating and i would go to weekly shows without hesitation. this night's performance was a local band promoting their new album. we were encompassed by the staff and a lonely admirer. i felt comfortable with the pitiful turnout. unfortunately, for me, the venue had an outstanding reputation and in a matter of minutes it was jam-packed with middle-aged rockers that secretly adhere to their corporate lives. these devout fans crawled out of their dwellings just to experience this once in a life-time event. the way i see it, everyday is a once in a lifetime event. after an hour of awkwardly standing too close to sweaty people, i found myself lost. the crowd knew where they were but i didn't know where i was. it's like the old adage, i was lost in the sea of people. however, in this scenario, it felt more like being lost in an over populated fish tank. there were fish of all breeds; the puffer fish, these fish can befriend a shark, or the cray fish these guys just strut around with their over-exaggerated psyche, and lastly, my kind the clown loach, most of the time these fish avoid being noticed. the crowd cheered for the musicians, as they proudly strolled onto the stage. about halfway into the performance i felt like i needed to leave. but when i looked over at my friend and saw that she was having a good time i couldn't bring myself to tell her that i wanted to go home, besides who was i to interrupt her euphoric state of mind. so i did what any good friend would do, i falsified my enthusiasm. distraught with my emotions and bewildered by the crowd's incomprehensible adoration, i took a seat in a corner and prayed for the end, to a GOD i don't believe in. maybe that was a little too dramatic, so let me rephrase that. ahem ahem. i took a seat in the corner wishing for a meteor to come crashing onto this planet striking fear around the world but the fear would only last a few moments because the massive size of this meteor would have instantly destroyed all of life and any organisms that existed, with the exception of cockroaches. i don't know why i was so miserable. all of my insecurities started to materialize from the most inner part of my being without any indication of this mutation. i thought of every moment that contributed to my insecurities and suddenly, as if on cue, my friend captured me and pulled the reluctant me into the crowd. it took a few minutes of being in the swarm of fanatical supporters for me to remember what it was like to have fun. that young erratic teen i used to be, was emerging from the forgotten memories i had stored in a box under my bed. that night i told myself "by tomorrow i will be an optimistic stranger that no one has met." i didn't even want to sleep because i feared losing my newly formed identity and i did not want to revert to the pessimistic and gloomy phantom i had grown to love.

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