Have you ever felt so emotionally unstable so that you start crying for every little thing. Have you ever felt being so obsessed with one person you get jealous as soon as the person just looks away.
The woman I thought I would never be but yet have turned out to be is making me sick. My relationship has started to be an investigation of seeking any kind of clue to make an fight. Is it me or has my depression taken such a turn on me that whatever a person does or say I get offended and emotional.

I remember, every time we used to meet we could talk for hours and cuddle up together and never let go of each other. We used to dream about a future together and promise each other that leaving is never an option and to give up on each other is not even on the list. Now every time we meet checking each others phones is a way of building trust, words has turned into lies and acts are turned into physical abuse. Spending time together has become the last priority and talking to each other is only another reason to start an argument. Fights have turned into a daily routine and everything is making me sick. The love I had has turned into an obsession and crying is the only option to get an sorry.

Is it love even real or is it just an option so that you do not get left out. Loving him hurt us both as now conversations became small short text messages, arguments became phone calls, feelings became subliminal messages, sex became way too easy. The word "love" is used out of context, insecurities became a way of thinking, getting jealous became a habit, trust came hard to come by and being hurt became natural. Leaving has started to question on me but the image of the man in my life who I for once was sure about and love with all I ever have to not be in the picture anymore would make me blind.

Everything was making me sick and insecure, but this is my choice, I chose to love him and I still choose to love him throughout life.

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There I was. Sitting in the bathroom floor, doing it again. The blade cut in like scissors but it felt good. The pain from the inside of my body was now on the outside of it. It only hurt now on the outside while the blade was cutting through. It was quite, no sound or no emotions.
Everything was just numb. I thought I could do it, defeat the pain like they do in all those movies but I guess I was wrong and yet I was pushed down again. Nothing felt right, not even getting high on the idea of love. And there I screamed, I screamed louder and louder but nobody heard me.

Anxiety.
Im stuck in the box, crying my eyes out but there is no way out. Im stuck in there. The feeling of regret coming out of nowhere and all those memories coming back. Why am I even here? I tried it all. To love it, to hate it, to cherish it, to defeat it but the voices in my head started to speak louder. And I even tried to paint it away with all those happy colors but all I saw was darkness in my paintings. There is a battle, but anxiety always drags me down to a level I can't feel anything anymore.

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Alone. Everyone is busy in their minds running through life as if it's a race. Busy minds, busy streets filled with loads of independent individuals. Some after fame, some after money and some after love. In the middle of the crowd, you would get a lonely feeling if you stood still. That is where I was. I stood still, and all I felt was loneliness. Everything was tearing apart.

Walking through every street in Stockholm, in attempt to find motivation on how to live life, every street just gave me new thoughts on ways to die. There is no stress, no nervousness, no happiness and neither is there sadness. Everything is numb. As if I am trying to catch up in the race of life without even knowing why I am running. Everyone wants good in life, but to get that you need to do good and be good. How does that really work? There is so many different living standards and yet everyone strives for the luxury one because in our society, money and fame is everything.

I see kids without houses but they are still running on the streets without any worry.

Im sad. Sad at how our world is built, it is not fair. Everyone should get a chance in life but still be sit and complain about not having pizza for dinner or not getting those favorite pair of shoes while kids are starving and do not even have clothes to wear. I wonder, what is their motives in life? They have nothing, but still they are living life finding their own ways of making it better day by day. And my eyes closed for a while. Next thing I knew I decided, I have all I could ask for but this is my chance, it is my chance to live.

My fight was with myself but this time the street gave me a motive to live instead of another way to die. That motivation was poverty, if they can be happy on having nothing then why can I not be happy by having everything. Bad days will come, storms will tear me apart but for now I saw a little part of a rainbow and it lit my eyes.

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Empty. Nothing feels anymore. Not do I see the world the way I used to, not do I hear the words everyone spoke and neither did I feel anything for anyone.

Everyone is so full of themselves, so proud of what they have accomplished in life that all they do is bragging about it. Does anyone really care? Or is it just a way of having to make a conversation?
I read a quote which is very famous it said "If only our tongues were made of glass, how much more careful would we be when we speak". And yes if only it was like that, because some people really have to think through about what they say. I used to wish I could be like them, but now observing them makes me laugh but I still remain silent because silence is the best reply to a fool. But if only I could think like them, that everything is so easy. Life is easy and there is nothing to worry about, if only I could think like that. I can't because I still do not get it, sometimes I wish I could be all happy with yellow flowers and some romantic love songs but then yet again, no. I don't want that. When will the world understand instead of trying to pretend? Everyone is trying to but nobody really has the will.

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What is love?
Love hurts. When you love someone you cry even if they love you back and if they do not love you back, you still cry. Love hurts and we circle around it throughout life.

Our first love is our mother, but then throughout life we forget her and search for the perfect match. Is there even anything called perfect match? How do we even know when we find him/her? That is the problem, we never know. Throughout life we go through broken hearts but in the end we settle down for one person and decide to live life with them. Now that is crazy. So many promises being made, so many tears being shed but also so much happiness but is this really love? Or is it just some sort of affection and being scared to be left alone? Is the word "Love" even a real meaning?

I remember, loving him hurt. He was everything I ever imagined, attractive, intelligent and simply perfect. Loving him made me love myself but not less then the love I had for him. It is funny, how we put someone else before us in every step. How their needs become our own needs and obsess over that one person for no reason. Why do we? Why is there so many feelings and emotions when it comes to love?
Love is brutal, but on the other hand it is pure because it kills us slowly alive from dying. One sided love is the purest, there are no other people involved in it and you do not even need the other persons approval to love them. That is how a person loves endlessly without any breaks because only they have the rights to love.

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I used to have dreams. Dreams of color and happy songs, dancing in the rain while laughing my ass of and now all there is to laugh at is myself. The tears have stopped streaming down, laughter comes out instead but this time not only at myself. I'm laughing at this world, where is everyone going? I'm walking on the streets of Stockholm, people on my left and right side but I'm still alone. "Think positive, it will be fine, what happened? , did someone hurt you? , why are you sad?" they ask, and even I am searching for the answers to these questions but the answer remains the same " I do not know why, my brain is not in my control".

We humans always search for different types of reasons to why there is a problem. For an example; If a person falls and hurt themselves there is a reason to why they fell, he fell because he lost his balance that is why he is crying. Now that is understandable to why he is crying but it has to be a reason to why you are not feeling good. Do we always need reasons? Yes, you do otherwise you are not reasonable but why does it even have to be like this?

When it comes to physical problems which shows on our human bodies then it is understood, but when the problem is mentally then there is no such thing as mental health. It is sad, how so many people die, but suicide is not acceptable and someone dying of a disease is. At least I do not get this world, maybe I never will.

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We are born humans and we die as humans. But the real question is why? Why are we humans? Is our life a dream or is it real? Think about it. Everything we go through in life leads to consequences but why? Some people try to find their meaning and peace in religion, some in love and some do not know and just go with the flow? We get all those feelings and emotions where we get frustrated but in the end we get all this because we are alive. But why are we alive? I on the other hand am searching for why I am alive, what do I have to live? When anxiety and depression pulls me down, but why does it? Now you all are going to say because you are human but is this really our life? Is this really our world? Nobody knows if it is.

Screaming my heart out every night with tears trying to get out of the box. A box I am stuck in trying to get out but nobody there to help me get out. Everyone is happy but everyday we humans fight a battle, not only with others but with ourselves. This is my battle trying to find my meaning, no names to be given and no pictures to post. Cheers to those fighting a battle everyday with themselves because I know I am not alone. Everything will just simply be written down like a piece of art. 


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