The thing is that the brain is a crazy and a complicated part of our body. I know very little of it, but I still feel like I know some things about it. I might not know all the parts, all the functions or how the brain developes through life. I know something about the brain.

It's a liar. It can fool you. Make you believe something.

 Mine has fooled me plenty. Mine has fooled me in the way of letting me think that a boy loved me. He didn't. He liked someone else. He slept with someone else.

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I've been struggling recently. Well with things that sort of makes me panic.

The first thing is, that I'm turning 18 the 18th of March. I feel like there's a huge pressure on this day. I want it to be amazing, but I don't know how that's going to happen. I'd like to just do something fun with all of my friends instead of hanging with them seperately. Idk if I want to have a party, or do some bowling. I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND!!! So I'm sort of panicking about this all day every day.

Another thing that keeps nagging me, is that I really need to get a job. I know you need to work hard to get one, and I guess I just have a lot on my plate atm so I keep avoiding it. I've handed in my papers to some cafés and supermarkets, but it seems like I need to go back and show my interest. These things makes me super nervous, beacause I get so uncomfortable and I feel so much pressure.

Those are my issues atm, if anyone could give me a miracle, it's appreciated.

Take care, FJ




So atm I've discovered a singer named Gavin James, and he's really good. I love his music. What stings is that I really want to share my discovery with Loverboy, but that's just in the past I guess...

So music was a common interest of ours. We shared it with each other, in a way, it was our thing. I loved discovering a new song and share it with someone who would appreciate it as much as I would. On the other hand I loved the feeling I got everytime he shared a song with me. I felt special in a way. Though the best feeling was sharing a song or an artist that means a lot to you, only to find out it means as much to him. I know it sounds weird, but it was like our own language, that hid the most precious messages and secrets.

It's been hard ever since we kind of fell apart, or as I see it, since he left me. Listening to all these songs just makes me feel so much. Don't get me wrong, good music is in my eyes, or ears, music that makes you FEEL, but I guess the feelings hurt me more now.

You know how some couples have a song. Well we have so many. I guess I'm getting used to it, all the feelings that comes listening to all these songs...

Anyways, it sucks not to be able to share these things any more, and it sucks even more when no one shares anything wih you any more. Gavin James I'm sorry that Loverboy won't be listeing to all of your songs for the next month like I will. Let's just hope he already knows who you are.

Here are some of our songs:

Broken-Jake Bugg

The Girl-City and Colour

Utan dina andetag - Kent

Heart on Fire- Scott Thomas

Sleeping Sickness- City and Colour

Little Lion Man- Mumford and Sons

Iris- Goo Goo Dolls

Stay- Hurts

Say Something- A Great Big world

Demons- Imagine Dragons

Lots of love, ​FJ



So for about 5 years ago I became a friend of a boy, let's call him Loverboy, OMG that sounds cheesy, but I can't come up with a better name at the moment. SO we became friends in my 7th grade. We also had a lot of friends in common, a couple of my best friends actually. We used to hang out a lot, and go to Burger King a bit too often ( the staff knew what I was having before I ordered ). It was nice to finally have a guyfriend, it such a different vibe, or I don't know how to explain it, but it's definitely a wonderful experience

However, afet a while, my friends told me that Loverboy had told them over a late night skype conversation ( yes Skype and Burger King was pretty much all we did back then) that HE HAD A CRUSH ON ME. One day when I write about MY STORY you'll probably understand why this meant so much to me. No one had EVER had a crush on me.

Though at the time I couldn't really handle those kind of feelings. That's also a part of MY STORY. At the time I was going to a counsellor (which I have done to this very day), and so much was going on. Lot's of tough shit had been brought to the surface and I had to go through all that shit at that time. Everything was kind of overwhelming, so looking back at this, I realize that I wasn't capable of falling in love, but most importantly LETTING SOMEONE IN, was just impossible. I was busy enough with all my shit.

Though I guess you could say that I fell in love with the poaaibility of love, and when he sent me a text wth a heart, I did something you should never do:

You should never send someone a heart and flirt if you don't feel the same way...

I regret this very much, but time passed and Loverboy was very sweet towards me and treated me the way I should be treated ( HE EVEN SENT ME A ROSE ON VALENTINE'S DAY). Though I really didn't deserve his treatment at the time, I just rolled with it I guess.

When spring came, I think he kind of realized that we werenät oging to happen, so he just left. not like going away but he stopped hanging with us.

This didn't really affect me at the time. He returned and started tp hang out with us around six months later.

I was so angry, ​I was angry that he thought he could just leave and then return like nothing happened. I guess I felt betrayed. I was mad at him for a while but he really prooved to be a good friend so we grew closer than ever.

 After a couple of years me and him were in France together. I will probably write a lot more about that trip, but to keep a long story short, I fell in love with him during our 10 days in the city of love, Paris.

Though after that summer we were going to start high school, and we were going our seperate ways. Things just never were the same again. Whenever we would hang out I could feel that he didn't want to hang with me. He stopped anwsering my messages, texts and snaps.

This has been going on for about one and a half year now. There's a lot more to the story, lika all the ways he broke my heart, or  the reason why he is being the way he is, but I probably will write about that soon.

All I can say that timing isn't my cup of tea and getting over someone is way harder than you think.

I still love this guy even if he doesn't love me, but as Khloé Kardashian once said : "​Sometimes we loose our soulmates, and that's okay."

Take care, ​FJ




So I have a younger sister, let's call her Lil F. She's 3 years younger than me, so she's 14 years old, and she's my absolute oposite. I love her to death but something has come up and I don't know what to do about it.

So, lately she's been hanging out with two new girls. I don't know them personally, but I constantly hear about them from other people. They tell me they are drinking and partying a lot, and apparently their parents deosn't seem to care.

My parents have been a bit worried about this, but they honestly don't know what to do. They can't forbid my sister from hanging with them, because she really enjoys their company.

Yesterday she got drunk when hanging with them. I texted her asking her if she was drinking, but she told me she wasn't, so I told her to have fun but think about what she chooses to do. A couple hours later, one of her freinds text me from her phone saying that she's taking care of my sister and helping her. I get so worried and try to ask how my sister is doing, how much she has had to drink, if they're at a party.

I kind of get replies saying that they're going to bed , and I even get a hold of my sister and telling her to go to bed. The big question is SHOULD I TELL MY PARENTS?




I'm gonna try to write this text as short as possible, I will probably go back and write more about this in the future, but as for know this is sort of the summary of my story. Here we go...

When I was about six years old I started school. I was very excited about this whole "schoolthingy" everybody was talking about. I already knew the alphabet and I knew how to read, and to write all the letters. You could say that my expectations for school was pretty high.

Though my first year of school turned out to be nothing that I ever could expect. Pretty soon after school started the girls in my class started to look at me with disgusted faces, stopped talking when I came in to the room, they just weren't really talking with me anymore, they just treated me like I was invisible. After I while they started to call me things, such as UGLY and FAT. They told me I wasn't good enough. That I was too tall, my nose was too big and that I wasn't alowed in the playground with them because my jacket was too ugly. I turned into a more quiet and introvert version of myself instead of the singing and outgoing princess I used to be. Thoigh I didn't lost my spark that year I was alone, though I still had my best friend Liz who is one year younger than me, so she hadn't started school yet. Looking back I think she might be the one who got me through that year.

This went on for about a year, and by this I mean BULLYING. Though I never really reacted to this at the time I accepted it and thought to myself; I guess this is how school's supposed to be. I never told anyone, a teacher my parents. I don't really know why. I've always talked to my parents about things that nothered me with my parents, but I guess I felt ashamed that I couldnät make any friends and I really didn't know at the time what was happening.

During the following two school years the bullying slowly and gradually vanished. It had to do that the maingirls/leaders moved or changed school for some reason, and the rest of us where split into two smaller classes. The ones I ended up with turned out to not be as bad as they had been before. Though everything didn't just disappear. For a while I went back to a sparkly princess, but then something happened. It was like a fog slowly closing in on me. Everything that I had pushed away came back at me and hit me real hard.

I turned grey I guess. I started to beieve EVERYTHING they had told me I was. I started to hate myself, really hate. I thought I was fat, ugly, had a big nose and so on. I thought I wasn't good enough. At the same time puberty stroke me like a lightning. I was an early bloomer and couldn't feel more odd, dierent weird, misfitted, you name it.

At the age of 10 I hit rock bottom. I got my first period, I had boobs, hair in weird places, but most importantly I HATED MYSELF. I got so far that I didn't see the point of me living on this earth. I didn't think I deserved it to be honest. It's kind of strange to picture a 10 year old girl having these thougts, but I couldn't see any light really. I looked at the world through a black filter. It was kind of scary.

Looking back I'm kind of thankful that I was this young when it all happened. I hadn't yet been introduced with the word SUICIDE, or the subject of SELF HARM (though unconsiously I kind of found ways to harm myself ) I realize today that things could have gone so much worse if I would have been older. It brakes my heart a little everytime I think of that I actually could have missed my life because of what some girls told me I was. Though it's also a way for me to be thankful for life, and really enjoy it.

The turning point came in grade 4 when we started artclass. I finally found something that had a meaning. I founf my meaning in a way. I found somebody ( my artteacher ) who believed in me, and I believed in him believing in me. It was a way for me to feel a bit better. though I just sweeped evrything under a carpet really.

The years that passed I got better, but I always felt the darkness lurking in every corner. I changed school in 6th grade to an English School that had high academic standards. Of course this kind of triggered evrything again. The fear of nobody liking me and the fear of being bullied and alone again grasped me. This is when I decided to get help. Professional help. I went to a counsellour at the age of 12 to the local youth clinic. There I jjust bursted and told her evrything. I had carried evrything all by mysef for 6 years, never telling anyone. I was like a baloon when it pops.

I then realized that I had been bullied. That it wasn't my fault. That evrything that i felt about myself wasn't true, it was just what they had told me I was. I've been going to see a councelor ever since that day, but nowadays I just check in once a month to see how things are going. The whole therapy process is another part that I probably will write about sometime.

I hade 4 tough, hard and amazing years at that school with amazing friends. I choose my own way going into Sweden's version of high school ( Gymnasiet ), Got a bit lost for a while, and even though I'm on this rollercoaster of emotions I think I'm doing pretty good at the time.

I will probalby write lots of anecdotes from the time I was being bullied, about the consequences I've experienced being bullied and that I still experience and about my recent struggles through Gymnasiet and so on.

I want to point out that this isn't meant to be sappy story where I seek your attention and pity. I want to share this cause I know that way too many people have been bullied or are bullied or knows someone who have experienced it. I guess I want to help by writing down my story, how I have pulled myself through this. I will be writing more about it as time goes, but I thought you kind of need to know a bit about mý background story to understand me when I write about other stuff too.

Thanks for your time

Lots of Love FJ



​Hello, so I guess this is my first post on this blog of mine. I started this because I feel the need to write what I feel and what's buzzing in my head. After a lot of consideration I decided to try this out for theraputic reasons, and if anyone happens to read what I write by accident, just know this; I am a seventeen year old girl from Sweden, (turning 18 in march woop woop!), and I think I will refer to myself as FJ. Anyways I like to draw, dance and think. Well thinking is actually not optional but it seemes to be the activity I spend most of my time doing. More than that I don't really want to reveal about myself, other than the thoughts and issues that I will be writing about.

Although I'm from Sweden I'll probably write in English, I guess I'm just more comfortable with it that way, though I apologize for all the grammar and spelling mistakes that are to be found,  but who knows, I might switch between the two.

Lots of Love ​FJ