I'm gonna try to write this text as short as possible, I will probably go back and write more about this in the future, but as for know this is sort of the summary of my story. Here we go...
When I was about six years old I started school. I was very excited about this whole "schoolthingy" everybody was talking about. I already knew the alphabet and I knew how to read, and to write all the letters. You could say that my expectations for school was pretty high.
Though my first year of school turned out to be nothing that I ever could expect. Pretty soon after school started the girls in my class started to look at me with disgusted faces, stopped talking when I came in to the room, they just weren't really talking with me anymore, they just treated me like I was invisible. After I while they started to call me things, such as UGLY and FAT. They told me I wasn't good enough. That I was too tall, my nose was too big and that I wasn't alowed in the playground with them because my jacket was too ugly. I turned into a more quiet and introvert version of myself instead of the singing and outgoing princess I used to be. Thoigh I didn't lost my spark that year I was alone, though I still had my best friend Liz who is one year younger than me, so she hadn't started school yet. Looking back I think she might be the one who got me through that year.
This went on for about a year, and by this I mean BULLYING. Though I never really reacted to this at the time I accepted it and thought to myself; I guess this is how school's supposed to be. I never told anyone, a teacher my parents. I don't really know why. I've always talked to my parents about things that nothered me with my parents, but I guess I felt ashamed that I couldnät make any friends and I really didn't know at the time what was happening.
During the following two school years the bullying slowly and gradually vanished. It had to do that the maingirls/leaders moved or changed school for some reason, and the rest of us where split into two smaller classes. The ones I ended up with turned out to not be as bad as they had been before. Though everything didn't just disappear. For a while I went back to a sparkly princess, but then something happened. It was like a fog slowly closing in on me. Everything that I had pushed away came back at me and hit me real hard.
I turned grey I guess. I started to beieve EVERYTHING they had told me I was. I started to hate myself, really hate. I thought I was fat, ugly, had a big nose and so on. I thought I wasn't good enough. At the same time puberty stroke me like a lightning. I was an early bloomer and couldn't feel more odd, dierent weird, misfitted, you name it.
At the age of 10 I hit rock bottom. I got my first period, I had boobs, hair in weird places, but most importantly I HATED MYSELF. I got so far that I didn't see the point of me living on this earth. I didn't think I deserved it to be honest. It's kind of strange to picture a 10 year old girl having these thougts, but I couldn't see any light really. I looked at the world through a black filter. It was kind of scary.
Looking back I'm kind of thankful that I was this young when it all happened. I hadn't yet been introduced with the word SUICIDE, or the subject of SELF HARM (though unconsiously I kind of found ways to harm myself ) I realize today that things could have gone so much worse if I would have been older. It brakes my heart a little everytime I think of that I actually could have missed my life because of what some girls told me I was. Though it's also a way for me to be thankful for life, and really enjoy it.
The turning point came in grade 4 when we started artclass. I finally found something that had a meaning. I founf my meaning in a way. I found somebody ( my artteacher ) who believed in me, and I believed in him believing in me. It was a way for me to feel a bit better. though I just sweeped evrything under a carpet really.
The years that passed I got better, but I always felt the darkness lurking in every corner. I changed school in 6th grade to an English School that had high academic standards. Of course this kind of triggered evrything again. The fear of nobody liking me and the fear of being bullied and alone again grasped me. This is when I decided to get help. Professional help. I went to a counsellour at the age of 12 to the local youth clinic. There I jjust bursted and told her evrything. I had carried evrything all by mysef for 6 years, never telling anyone. I was like a baloon when it pops.
I then realized that I had been bullied. That it wasn't my fault. That evrything that i felt about myself wasn't true, it was just what they had told me I was. I've been going to see a councelor ever since that day, but nowadays I just check in once a month to see how things are going. The whole therapy process is another part that I probably will write about sometime.
I hade 4 tough, hard and amazing years at that school with amazing friends. I choose my own way going into Sweden's version of high school ( Gymnasiet ), Got a bit lost for a while, and even though I'm on this rollercoaster of emotions I think I'm doing pretty good at the time.
I will probalby write lots of anecdotes from the time I was being bullied, about the consequences I've experienced being bullied and that I still experience and about my recent struggles through Gymnasiet and so on.
I want to point out that this isn't meant to be sappy story where I seek your attention and pity. I want to share this cause I know that way too many people have been bullied or are bullied or knows someone who have experienced it. I guess I want to help by writing down my story, how I have pulled myself through this. I will be writing more about it as time goes, but I thought you kind of need to know a bit about mý background story to understand me when I write about other stuff too.
Thanks for your time
Lots of Love FJ