This might be my one and only post for my one and only person. It's 5 in the morning and my second to last day with you. And although we've come to each other and gone from each other many times, each time seems to hurt more than the last time. I can't find any explanation for it. It's like the same force that makes me fall more and more in love with you by each passing day.

I like writing long texts. I've done it for a while and I feel like I can get my point across better. And I realize that sometimes I repeat myself and sometimes it seems like I'm only saying things for the sake of saying them, but I want you to trust me when I say this because I mean it with all my heart: I love you.

We listened to the song I listened to on the drive to you and away from you last summer today. I hadn't listened to it since I left Sweden almost a year ago. It made me cry instantly and now just thinking about it makes me break into tears right away. It's such a boring and stupid song but it somehow brings me to tears and turns me into a deep thinker so so quickly. It's maybe because that was the song I listened to when I wasn't able to eat because of my anxiety of losing you and for a day I couldn't even text you because I had no data in Sweden. My parents tried to take me to a restaurant that night but I remember I didn't manage anything at all and only cried in my little bed in my hotel room that was too old to even have wifi. I would have done anything for a call that night. I remember panicking every morning because I had a dream that we texted in skype and broke up and I needed to talk to you to make sure that that didn't happen. Maybe the song makes me cry so easily because I listened to it at a time where you were all I had and you're still exactly that. You're all I have and all I want and all I will ever need.





The summer last year was the summer I first got to meet you in person and you were so open and loving and caring and beautiful to me. You did everything to make me feel safe and we went on as many adventures as we could in the short time we got to see each other. And to get to the point, whenever I think of that summer I just get so deep because you really humbled me. I mean that in a way that you made me more understanding and thoughtful about life and I don't know how to explain it but I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think of the feeling you gave me. In times like these I feel like I'll feel like this forever. This feeing is a feeling combined of worry of losing you, nervousness because I've never been around someone as beautiful as you, happiness because I finally got to meet you and it felt like I'd been waiting for it my whole life, and just this deepness of that you understand me and that I want to be together with you for the rest of my life. You are my safety person.
This feeling might fade away by time and we'll probably be back to being or crazy little selves when you wake up, even though it'll be the last day I'm with you. Because that's another interesting thing about us, we never get true panic about leaving until the day actually comes. Then it hits really really really hard.

I don't mean to go on forever but it's just impossible for me to stop writing for some reason. I keep thinking about that summer is coming and I'm genuinely afraid of my "summer feeling". My summer feeling was the feeling I first got when I lived in the US when things started to get warmer and I loved the feeling. I've had it every year of my life since then even when I live in Germany now. But this year something makes me afraid of it. It's like there's a natural association between the feeling I got when I needed to leave Sweden and summer as a whole. Because the summer I met you was the summer of my life just by those 2 days. But that same summer I had to go home, and that broke my heart. I could barely eat anything except a cold vegetable every once in a while. And whenever anybody talked to me about food or how my stomach felt I instantly needed to throw up. I even purposely told my parents to try to distract me from thinking about food or how I felt so I wouldn't keep throwing up. Things got even worse when school started again and I felt miserable beyond belief. But I'll never forget the way you stayed up with me every night to keep me company when I would seem ok and then randomly start crying to you that I didn't want to lose you or that I didn't feel at home. You did everything to make me believe that I wouldn't lose you and in the end you succeeded. And you did everything to try to make me feel at home, even when to me the only home feeling I get is when I'm with you. But that calmed me more than anything. I'll never forget all those times.

I'm back to crying now, this time not because of the song but because of the thought of last summer. You're sleeping so peacefully right beside me. All I can think about is how little you are and how amazing it is to hold you.
I have no other way to say this than that I want you to know that I want you forever and ever and ever. My life is whole and complete as long as I have you. I wish I could express my emotions of how you changed me in the summer and how much more in love I'm falling in you every moment of my life but as best as I can say it, I love you. I love you with all of my heart. And I hope you know that I always will.
Min. ❤️

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