I don't even know where to start, it's been so long since I published something. Everything has been so crazy and I've done and changed so much. Both in a good and bad way I guess, but the real reason why I started writing again is because I met someone, someone that makes my heart pound faster that it should be, someone that brightens up my day just by smiling, someone that makes me feel like I'm home, someone that makes the shittiest days the most amazing and someone that makes me feel like I could love again. Thinking of his smile, his voice and gosh his laugh, it drives me crazy and it just kills me how much I already like him, it really does feel like I was meant to like him. The thought of him being in my life, no for him to actually be in my life, it feels like I'm the luckiest person alive. I definitely don't understand how I got an amazing guy like him, just thinking of how much I really do like him makes me tear up, I know dramatic right? but really it's just because I feel so thankful to finding someone like him, someone that actually made me believe in love again, he made me believe in something I never knew I could, he fixed my broken pieces and made me see that I actually deserve the best. I know that it's probably too early to say this, but I actually really do love him and it kills me.

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Whether how much I try, day to night, there's just not a minute I don't think of you. I think of situations of us being able to see eachother again, which I know will probably just stay as a daydream, but everytime I'm alone with my thoughts I just can't help but think of only you, situations where I could finally be able to see you again, smile at you and say hi. That would be amazing, but for now I just have to accept that all of that should just stay as a dream. I know we both need time, we need time to heal and I know we will, but I also know that there wouldn't be a moment that I will ever stop loving you, you have made a place in my heart and I'm certain that you'll always have one. Anytime, any day and anywhere, no matter what it is, when you finally need me again I'll be there, I'll always be.
There are times when I wonder if you all of a sudden breakdown because you hear something that reminds you of me, because I know I do. Every single time, just hearing your name burns my heart, your name has such a great impact on me that it could most likely ruin me for a long time. Hearing it just makes me want to look away and try to think of something else, you know why? because it's painful, it's painful to know that you're not mine anymore, painful to know you won't say you love me anymore, painful to know that you will go on with your life without me in it, but what am I to say right? I hurt you probably more than you hurt me, I deserve this pain and you don't. I was selfish, I knew all along that I would love you, but not this much, so when I actually finally accepted that I did love you and that I need you in my life, everything was already crumbled to pieces. Our perfect little wall of fantasies crumbled into ashes and you're the one that took most of the fall.
I love you with all my heart, all my soul and just all of me, but now I just have to wait and see if we were really meant to be.

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It's been three months and school is finally starting again. It's a new start for both of us, new people, new life, a start of a new chapter. We won't see eachother as much anymore, we probably won't even see eachother at all for a while, maybe months or maybe even years, but that's fine, it's a good way for me to let you go. I wish you find new friends and maybe even someone that will love you and cherish you even better than I did, you just have to learn how to take initiative every now and then, I know you can be socially awkward sometimes and you can't express your feelings that well, but I know you'll be fine, you're amazing, you made someone like me fall in love. I never believed in love until I met you, you made me feel so much happiness that I couldn't even handle it anymore, I was so happy, that I ended up ruining you. I hoped I wouldn't break you and I hoped I wouldn't hurt you, but to be honest I already did from the start. I did break you, I did hurt you and I'm so sorry. It hurts me so much to know that I broke someone that means so much to me, that gave me pure happiness, that showed me light, all you ever did was treasure me and I took advantage of that without even realizing it, but it's been three months and I hope you're better, I hope you get the good life you deserve, I hope you'll find people that'll help build you into a better and happier person, I really hope that and I wish someday when I'm walking down the sidewalk and I see you, I hope you'll be smiling then, I hope I see a smile I've never seen before and I hope I would be over you.

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You know how they say that they don't love each other or that they don't like each other in that way well they were blind, blinded by the space and distance between them, they had the only thing they actually really needed in front of them all along, but they just kept on denying it, they tried to look for a fairytale, something they didn't need at all, but wanted. They just needed each other but they couldn't admit it to themselves because it hurts, the truth hurts. They were too broken to admit it, too broken by their past. It's tragic, it's like a sad love story, like Romeo and Juliet, they were in love, but they just couldn't be together, but this story is different, instead of fighting for eachother, they just didn't do anything, they weren't ready, they were scared of rejection, scared of love, but you could really tell in the way they looked at each other or the way they smiled when they were  together that their hearts wanted each other so badly, you could just see that their hearts were ready and that all they just needed was to say it, was to accept it, but they just couldn't, they thought the world would be against it so they became against it, that ruined them, they settled for less, because they thought that less was better than nothing and now when they finally realized that they were madly in love with each other and that less wasn't enough anymore, that they needed each other, and that they couldn't live without each other, it was too late. That small distance between them ruined it, it made them so crazily happy that they just became swallowed by it and the smallest, slightest interference or sadness broke their fragile little hearts, they just couldn't handle it. They were so infatuated by the fairytale that they were living in, so when they finally realized that it was something more it got crumbled, crushed by the reality that was always there but they just couldn't see it, they loved each other so much but they were too numb, they were too broken to understand and to feel what was actually there. True love.

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Hey,

You know what's funny? The fact that wherever I am or whatever I'm doing I'll always think "what if you were here?" just thinking of that and actually picturing you here with me makes me feel so empty yet the happiest person in the world. You make me feel such painful sorrow that there's seriously nothing else that I could think of  other than it being beautiful, so beautiful it hurts. The ache and pain in my chest and the feeling of not being able to breathe makes me just realize how much I really am madly in love with you, no I'm not in love with the attention you give me, I'm not in love with something about you, I am just truly genuinely in love with YOU. It's sad how I realized that too late though, so late that when I realized it you were gone, you left and it's all my fault.

Forever yours,
      Persephone

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May 31st. The last time I ever hugged you, saw you smile, held your hand or heard you laugh, that was the day I was truly the happiest and the saddest. The feeling of having you with me makes me feel amazing, I feel so calm and truly happy, I can't even describe how happy I am when I'm with you. When I say I love you, I really do mean it with all my heart, it's just tragic how you probably don't understand that. You are my whole, my world, my universe and my everything. I know it's cliche to say this but all the times I don't even wanna smile you make me laugh, you make me feel like the happiest girl in the world just by hearing your voice. There's seriously not a day when I don't think of you and there's most certainly not a moment that I don't miss being with you. I miss the way your fingers lingers in mine when you hold my hand or the way you hug me tight and comb through my hair and the way you smell when you haven't put on perfume or even the way you cuddle up to me when I try to fall asleep, I loved that, I loved how your legs tangle up in mine when we're laying down beside eachother and the way you tap your fingers on my nape because you knew how much I loved that feeling, I also love the way you hug me from behind and then pull me towards you, oh and also the way you rest your hand on my thigh on the car rides home, all the small things you did I loved it. I also loved how you raise your eyebrow when you kinda liked something, it was adorable. I just miss you a lot and if ever I do get the chance to talk to you again I would say how sorry I am and how much I love you. I know you hate me now, I get it, but you have my heart now and I just can't seem to take it away from you. Everytime I read that message you sent to our friend, I just can't seem to stop myself from breaking down. I just seem to miss you even more and I hate it, I hate how much I love you and how I just can't hate you, you showed me so much color in this life I always thought was dull, you were my very first love and my very first heartbreak and it's funny because it's my fault, I ruined it, I ruined us. I should've just been honest with you sooner but I was too happy and in love and I'm sorry.

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It was by the end of September, it was chilly and I didn't like it that much. I never really liked the cold, but I never really liked it being hot either. The perfect weather for me was a Sunny day with a little bit of cold in the air or maybe just a cloudy day with some warm breeze. Balance, that's what I truly like. Not too much or not too little, just right. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist some people may say, but to be honest I just like balance, everything just needs the right amount of right and wrong.
Anyways, as Demeter's wingman, I made us a pretty balanced plan. It was simple really, nothing out of the ordinary. I planned for her to get closer to Hades and how do I do that? Well, it's simple really, they hangout. Of course Demeter and Hades would never even dare hangout with eachother alone, like I said Demeter has liked Hades for a while, meaning they've known eachother for a while and let me just say, they didn't really get along, they always teased eachother. Which I thought was adorable, I actually really genuinely wanted to help Demeter, I loved how bright she became when it came down to Hades, I loved it, but some part of me wanted to crush it. Crush it into tiny little pieces, like her heart when it eventually becomes broken.
I told Demeter that it would be so much better if she contacted Hades herself, but the stubborn lady she is, she refused, so I ended up doing it myself. It most definitely wasn't easy to get Hades to agree, considering the fact that he was slightly socially awkward and introverted, but my persuasion skills can actually be quite intriguing, after that I realized inviting him, talking to him and all that would be something that would probably ruin me forever. I felt like something would happen, but I just brushed that feeling off and continued my plan. I decided it would be more comfortable for everyone if I invited more people, so I decided to invite Demeter's best friend Melinoe and Hades' good friend Zagreus, I thought it would be a perfect idea for everyone to feel more at ease with eachother.

to be continued...

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DISCLAIMER: Names will be changed for the privacy and protection of the people that will be mentioned in this blog.

We were strangers. We were just two people that went to the same class, he was just a random guy and I was just a random girl. We never really noticed eachother, well, I didn't notice him. For me he was just there, until one day a good friend of mine, Demeter, told me that she was in love. She was in love with him, Hades. The random guy that I never even noticed before, he was mysterious and quiet, he was the type that just kept to himself. I didn't know anything about him. When Demeter told me she was in love with him, I really didn't understand why. He was basically just an ordinary guy. He was decent looking, tall and had a pretty okay figure, just basically someone not that special, but you could really just see in Demeter how much she really liked him, she liked him a lot and for a very long time too. You could really see the sparkle in her eyes or the brightness in her smile when she talks about him, she seemed so happy and in love and I loved seeing her that way, I was happy for her. To me though, love is troublesome, it's too much to handle, too complicated, too painful, too uneccesary, too time consuming, just too much and I didn't want any of it or should I say just wasn't ready for it. I didn't believe in such a thing like love so with that mind set I stupidly proposed to be Demeter's "wingman", desperate as she was, of course she said yes. Although I did want to help her out, I warned her that if I'm the only one doing all the work then she won't get anywhere, I told her that she needs to do things herself sometimes in able for her to move forward, but deep down inside I knew she didn't have a chance, I knew this would be a huge mistake, I knew that and I still continued.
My head was messed up, filled with the overwhelming sense of power and malice, I just knew that I could easily make anyone like me if I wanted to and I most definitely wanted Hades to fall for me instead, it was horrible, I was horrible, the dark and narcissistic aura inside me just made me feel ecstatic. This happened to me before, same exact situation, I tried to be my friend's "wingman", but the guy fell for me instead. The feeling of empowerment gushed through my head, I felt like I won something that I shouldn't have won, it made me feel amazing. Seeing my friend get hurt because of something she wanted me to do, I enjoyed it. I loved it, I loved seeing her get jealous or angry, it was fulfilling. Of course, I didn't tell her something as horrible as that, instead I acted like I was sorry, like I was completely inoccent, like I was helpless. I cried and told her how sorry I was, I told her I didn't mean to do it and that I just wanted to help, but deep in my subconscious I knew that I made it a mission for me to make him fall for me instead, so when I heard about Demeter's love for Hades, my sadistic side came out. I made it a mission for me to make Hades mine. It was horrible. I was completely messed up.

to be continued..

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