I haven't been writing in a really long time 'cause I have been working a lot and my mind have been very far away with everything. This summer I worked a lot and it was really fun, but it was a bit stressful not to have any vacation.

But my mini vacation came and as last year we went to Falun and Sabaton Open Air.
Good bands and met up with a facebook friend who lives there and work with the festival. But the most important with this journey was to spend the time with my husband, even though we was on the hotel a lot of the time there only was me and him. The last day when went to the mine in Falun and took a guided hike down there and it was amazing, however, in the evening I was bored and decided to take a walk and ended up at my friends place and we talked about a lot of music and other stuff.
The travel back home was no fun at al, 40miles (sewdish) and after only 10miles the car broke down. We went from Falun to be able to be back home around 15:00 but instead we wasn't home until after half past teen pm. But the car got fixed so happy about that.

School starts tomorrow and so does orchestra and photographing. Gonna be fun but this term I'm not gonna be a part on so many rehearsals but will be there if they need me for the concerts.

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Started to reflect over my life and how it has change the last couple of years.

To start with, in school i wasn't the person every one wanted to spend time with. After school I was at home for myself and most of the time listen to music, I played in orchestras from almost the beginning when I started play viola and I haven't been able to stop (but more about that later). I was teased from the age of ten, and this made my self confidence fade really quick. I never knew then why and I started to feel bad. I tried to compensate my impopularity by "be together" with the boys, but I got even more teased when we "broke up". Eventually everything went wrong in my head and I started to question why I didn't fit in no matter how hard I tried and I even started to wounder why I even was born, and this follows me even today; the feeling of not fit in anywhere no matter where you are or what you do.
The same year I turned 18 I started to hang out with a few people that were friends with a brother of mine, and this is where the first start of my change started. Well, during my senior high school time I changed who I were from day to day, 'cause I didn't know and I didn't felt like I was part of the class, I was a loner even though they maby won't agree. One of the persons I met through my brother helped me dare to experiment with my hair, we colored it and cut it to my moms big disappointment. But the thing he did that has changed my life the most was to bring me to a festival called Knorrfest, this was a rockfestival in the near by town and I fell in Love.

This festival was amazing. 'First of all, I had just got my first tattoo on my under right arm and the festival bands was supposed to be on that wrist, but when I explained why I couldn't he person said: What the heck it's rock 'n roll. I had a good time and my mind opened up, I started to feel that this is where I belong. This was 2011 and the upcoming three years I worked at the festival that sadly had to move to another location, so they changed the name to Vicious Rock Festival. Unfortunately because of some circumstances I felt unsafe working with them and decided to not volunteer last year and go as a visiter instead. But when I worked I had a really good contact with one of the founders, but after my last work day in 2014 it all came to an end, until over about six months ago when we started to get the connection back. :)

The days went on and I found in the same town another place where I felt at home, the Rockbar; Backstage Rockar. The thing that draged me there wasn't the alkohol (never was much for it and still have period when I just don't want to), it was the live music. My first band to see here was Close Quaters and Vains of Jenna. I was hucked, every time there was a band playing I stood in the front row screaming my throat sore and headbanging so I hardly could get up from bed the next day. But I was happy, this was the way for me to find new music and new bands to listen to and at the same time I met people that liked me for who I was and am. And between Christmas and new year this place made a big change in my life.
Through some friends I met a person who liked the cooking color in my fringe and we started to talk and added each other on Facebook. Still today I can't believe how lucky I am to still have this person in my life and since the summer of 2015 be able to call him my husband. He has helped me reboost my confidence, but in a weird way. I feel so amazing beeing with him and have from the start and since I had school still I lived with my mom so we only had the weekends to see each other, this made me forget about my second home; Backstage. But my husband is making me spoiled by buing me stuff I can't afford and it feels strange 'cause I can't by him anything. But one of the things he bout me, that is changing my life right now, was a digital camera.

This camera came with us came with me when we went to Falun to the festival Rockstad Falun/Sabaton Open air (it has two different names). I took a lot of pictures of the bands playing and it opened my ones to a whole new world, I had fun while doing it. A few weeks later I saw that Close Quaters were coming back to the Rockbar so we went down and I had the camera with me. I took a lot of pictures but it was still fun and I have started to go back every time there is a band there and take pictures and it feels so good to be back to my second home. <3

Even though I met my husband I didn't stop playing viola, and by moving in with him I started in another orchestra which have taken me on such a journey. Playing with so many big artist has really been amazing and still are. But in this orchestra there's a lot of pop so I decided to also go back to my old one to play more classic music.

To still talk about music but go back to my first festival experience in 2011. There was one band I wast was good and it later on turned out that this band was the reason the festival existed. It was Ravaged. So the upcoming three years I worked with them and I enjoyed their music, but the drummer. Can't stand him. So when I studied music last spring, 2015, I ended up taken the course with the bass-players younger brother, who told me they were in the process of changing drummer. Hallelluja!!! So in november the chance came to see them doing an acoustic session at a local pub near by my place. And I was hooked. Every gig after that I have been their filming and taking pictures to make them bee seen 'cause they deserve it, they are so good and talented. But the thing that drags me to do this for them is that I can really see their love for music when they play.


But all this experience now, both finding myself and be surrounded by this huge amount of music have made me questioning my choose of career. I love teaching and are doing it two days a week if I don't have to be in school. But I also love working with setting the stage ready for a band, be a photographer at the pub and follow this band around. And at the same show my husband that I do want to be with him.
Everything has been tuff and stressful, but at the same time; I've never been happier. And I finally have come to the conclusion that, I don't need make up to feel good about myself, all I need is friends who understand me and accept me for who I am and music. And luckely for me I'm surrounded by both amazing people that have become my friends (some more than that) and a lot of music; in my headphones, live gigs and when I play in my orchestras. <3

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Been spending a lot oftime with my amazing husband this weekend that passed since I'va had and gonna have afew weekends where I either have been at the pub photogrpahing bandsor siting in the orchestra with rehearsals. All of this is real fun,but have been taking time from me spending time with him. So thistime I had no musts accept for him and I've been loving it. And we'vebeen watching a lot of movies. <3

And this week started great, got ready and of to work. Even manage to get my body in a dress, which don't happen to often, accept for the summer. But when I was ready to leave have started to think, and these thought have crossed my mind a lot lately.
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY HAIR RIGHT NOW.
But the most stressed feeling about this is that I don't know what to do with it to feel okay again. I know my husband love it as it is right now and I haven't done anything with it because of that. But I can't stand it anymore, something have to be done. So I've decided to bleach most of it. I'm gonna try and keep as much blue from the fringe as possible. And then only time will tell what will happen with it, but I know this much: I am never gonna cut it of again in any way. Done that three times in three different ways but I like having long hair again and so it's gonna stay.

​With the pink/black hair it's not showing but both sides are shaved and in the picture to the far right only one side is cut. In the middle picture the hair was cut down because of damage from all the bleaches and coloring.

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So the time came once again to see Ravaged do a sort of way acoustic gig, For me it's a half acoustic gig, since the drummer plays on an electric drum-set. And this time I made sure to load the battery for the camera so I really could film every song I didn't had, since my camera died the last time. And as last time it was fun, crowded and really loud. :D

The boys played both fast and slow song with a variety from mid early 40's to self written songs from 2014, and in the middle of all English lyics they decided to put in a Swedish classic from Eddie Meduza.
I'm starting to know these guys better and better the more I spend time with them, photographing and filming, but I knew from the start that they enjoy rock music, So after checking up every song on the set list, so i know when the songs were released, there's no surprise to see that the majority of the songs comes from the 60's-80's.

One song they did really well was Black Velvet, however, the singer thought it to be a good time to mess with the bass-player and he ended up laying on the floor (I'm starting to laugh inside just thinking of it), which ended up with the whole band laughing and well I don't think I have to tell you what happened, however, after this song I really had problem to stop laughing. They boys went from song to song with great energy and some foolishness with a lot of laughter, they are crazy but the love they show when they play is thrilling to see and I can't wait for the next gig to take place.

And until then, here's their version of Hotel California.


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Had the best day in a long time today. Got to open up for the Gothenburg Symphony Orchestra and also play Hungarian Dance no. 5 with them.

It was such an amazing feeling to be about 130 people on stage area. Hope this will be something that can happen a little more often..


So from a concert to a gig. Tomorrow it's time once again for Ravaged to do an acoustic type of gig and of course I will be there with my camera and take pictures and film the songs I don't have.


If my belief is right, I will get a packaged tomorrow filled with goodiness for my music. Time to get my instruments up on the wall and get ride of my old dubble case.


<--- Today's makeup and hair look for the concert....

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​Poem written to kill some time at a grammar exam :P

What will happen with my fear so deep,
think I can slumber in a forever long sleep.
The devil will always haunt my mind,
and I won't ever find,
a way out of his horrible grip,
my clothes he try to strip.

To make me his queen of hell,
how will I ever stand out with the smell?
Of rotten bodies that have done wrong,
I need to stand really strong.

All I feel is hate,
and I need to escape.
But how will I do that?
when I'm always being trapped.
Back by his side,
where I ones again try to hide.
He puts the crown on my head,
I think I will be beter of dead.

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I have Always been scared of things later on in my life, When I was younger nothing bothered me. So why does it now?
Why do I Iet fear Control my Life?

Earlier this day I recorded a video where I sang along to a song called Master made by the band Ravaged. The song is Amazing and I'm really in love with it. But why am I so afraid of showing my video to the singer? The drummer have seen it and like it and want me to do more videos like that. I let fear control both what i do with Music and my Life.

One person that have helped me get ride of a lot of fear is my husband, I never thought that on the exakt same day as I turned 22 I would say Yes to sped the rest of my Life with the man I love. We have beentogheter for 4years now and I soo thankful that I met him. He isso increadible and been so good to me.

However, still the god damn fear keeps me from Believe in myself and it bothers me. Most of my friends or people who know me thionks I'm so out going, but on the inside I'm so confused and scared. People tell me how good I look, but what do I care Idon't agree so it doesn't mean a shit what they Think. I've Heard I have a nice and good singing voice, I don't care 'cause I've Heard while growing up that I'm NOT a lead singer, maby a background singer. I love singing and do what I do, but I'm to busy be afraid what other people Think of me to try and reach for what I really want. Music is my Life and will Always be, my Dream is to somehow work with Music and not only as a teacher.

So this is the first blog of the new year and hopefully a new begining for me, where I challenge my fear even more and make the most out of my Life. <3 Until I write again I'm giving you a sort of acoustic gig with Ravaged and their song Master. Take care and love yourself and I will try the same :) <3

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So, I have felt tired and off a really long time so it was amazing putting on makeup this morning. And of course I hade to play around with some new makeup :D


L'Oreal True Match Foundation in Rose Ivory
Oriflame The One Illuskin Concelaer in Nude Pink (around my eye)
LR Health and Beauty Colours Loose Powder
LR Health and Beauty Deluxe Luminous Primer (only on my eyelid before the concealer)
Viva La Diva Perfect Nudies palette:
- Oh dear (crease the first time)
- Delight (inner coner)
- Wanting (on the outer edge)
- Love (Crease the second time)
Oriflame Kohl Pencil in Nude
Oriflame The One Double Effect Mascara black (weird formula)
L'Oreal Paris Glam Bronze (in the hollows of the cheeks, as contouring. a little to warm color for me thow.)
Oriflame Beauty Rouge in Fresh Pink
LR Health and Beauty Colours Lipliner nr2


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So the sale between Christmas and New Year is up and running.
So I had to visit twice, :P and I got some good stuff with me home. :D



Day 1.
Two Isadora quatro palettes:
- 93 Pink
- 94 Gold and silver
L'oreal True Match foundation:
-Rose Ivory
Lumene Natural Code CC color correcting makeup
- 2 Nude

Viva La Diva Perfect Nudies palette



Day 1

Two nailpolish and a mascara from the brand Glam



Day 2.

An angled eye liner brush
Three Viva La Diva lipsticks (not sale) :
- 81 Goth (black)
- 83 Kharma (Dark purple)
-118 Moon Walk (Metallic green)

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Okey! So I'm in school, right now and my thoughts don't want to come out in letters. Even now just to get my head clear all is stuck. I'm trying to writ an essay about differences and similarities about the Swedish and English school. I know exactly what I think about it and what a pupil and a principal from the two schools we visited thinks, but as I wrote the problem is too get my thoughts written down. Even this post is going to be weird.

When it comes too makeup I have hardly used any at all. Everyday for school I have been oversleeping and almost miss my train, so the time and strength haven't been there for me to manage.

With music there is as always a lot to do with two orchestras and now I'm official the video camera women for a band called Ravaged. It's time to film them again on Friday and I hope that my extra battery for the camera has arrived before that so I can reload it.  

Well as I wrote this post is gonna be really weird and it is. I have so much more to write about but I don't feel like writing but at the same time I wanna create. So my mind is fucked today.. Have a great week​

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