It started with one mistake and it have just went down hill from there. I did a mistake at work and the boss who was in charge has no plan of forgetting what I did. He´s made it very clear that I am not of his favorite persons at the office. Me who just want to be liked and loved have a very hard time accepting this.

Then the weekend came, me and hubby was going to celebrate it at my father in laws cabin by the lake,. We were bringing my nephews along. My youngest newphew is one very hyperactive child, I was exhausted before it even began. We asked him over and over to calm down. When my sister came to pick them up sunday it took no longer than 1 hour until my sister had it with him and sent him on a time out. She was so very harsh on him. I asked so very carefully if they ever had his hyperactivity evaluated. This is where hell began. Me and my sister do not have a good relationship. We are so very different and we do not get along, but I love the kids. She called my mom crying asking about it, she basicly told on me like a child. The monday came and it was mine and my hubbys very first anniversary. My mother calls to congratulates us to follow up with having a go at me for what I said to my sister. The anniversary day was ruined, I was in tears with a huge migraine making me sick. I´ve had a slight headache ever since. The relationship between me and my sister is ice cold. Not to mention the relationship with mom. My mom, wow I don´t think there is a single thing in this world where she actually would think I have done a good job.

I realized through all this that happened why I eat. Food and sugar became my family when my family wasn´t there. We dont discuss feelings in my family, if something happens the best thing is to act like it hasn´t. Well 3 people in our family works fine with this, the fourth, me, does not.

I try to go to work and I try to put a smile on my face but I am so deep down in this at the moment. I won´t have nothing to do with my sis no more, I am done, so much that has happened before this, but now, I´m done. Mom, well you´ve complained about me for the last time. If you can´t respect and be proud of the beautiful and good woman I´ve grown up to be, well then I am done trying to prove it to you.

I`M JUST DONE, I´ve broken myself in two trying to fight this, trying to get my familys respect. Think I need to focus on my own respect instead because somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about myself.

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So being in OA you are asked to connect to your higher power (HP). Me, I don´t believe in God, I don´t turn to any religion really. I like "the secret", wish, visualize and see it happen. I do believe in that.

But now, searching for my HP, a friend in OA sent me a text from a book about Buddishm. I´ve always been curious about Buddishm.
So looking into it I realise that the way they are living, thinking and loving. That is the way I want to be. I think their way of living is very healthy for a person within the OA. Not many would agree many, and that is fine. We all have our HP that we turn to and what ever works is great.

But for me, I will turn to Buddah. When I am suffering, I will ask the Buddisht way to manage through my struggle. Buddishm says "nothing is permanent". I think that is a healthy way of saying, don´t take things for granted. Love today! Laugh today! Be kind, be respectful and most of all, be respectful and loving towards yourself!

I´m on my 20th day of abstinents, and I am so very proud of myself. I did it, and I will keep doing it. I am stronger than I thought.



Things are not going well at all for me right now. I'm feeling angry and frustrated and I just want to scream or cry. Don't even know which really!
So I started cheating on my meal plan, then I started cheating on what was ok to eat and not. Bread, it all was about the flour this weekend. I've heard so many times that flour turns into sugar once it enters the body. Did I decide to listen to what I already knew. NOPE! I wasn't interested at all!

Called into a meeting today aswell, it felt good but I almost cried trying to share my struggles at the moment. I just want to cry and scream "please help me!!"
After the meeting I called my sponsor. Such a sweet woman really. But her problems are not sugar and flour, so can she really relate to what I'm going through? What is it I need to recover? who do I need to recover?

so many questions and so few answers at the moment.

Good night and thank you for staying with me



Days are not going to well for me right now. I wake up smiling and doing great, but further on as the days goes I just feel so restless, I feel like this lump in my stomach and I just want to scream straight out from frustration! I dont even know what is wrong, that is the most annoying part!

Today I thought I would be nice and buy some freshly baked bread and cheese for work. But who was I really being nice to? Myself I would guess, but I wasn´t being nice to myself, I was being an idiot. Bread is my weakness to, especially freshly baked with butter and chesse and some red peppers on that. Yum!
Can I take only one slice? Nope, I have 3 or 4 slices until I feel so full that I almost feel sick. So breakfast today was 3 slices of bread with butter and cheese and lunch was the same thing. A part of me just want to say "IDIOT!!", but the grown up part in me says "ok, so what do we have to learn from this?"

Yesterday as you all know I was feeling sorry for myself for not being able to eat ice cream. I reached out to my sponsor but she was busy, desperate to get help, I reached out to her sponsor. Such a great woman who really got my thinking straight. I was complaining and hating it and she said "oh, did someone tell you this was going to be easy?". Way to go to get me to shut up haha. Didn´t have much to say after that. Ofcourse no one told me it was going to be easy and what in my mind had made me believing that it would be?

So I powered through, I took a shower and I watched and episode of "the last ship" with my husband and then went to bed. No sugar was eaten that day and I remain as 15 days abstinent today! In 15 more days I can get my first medallion as 30 days abstinent and I am going to get it! 



sorry, bad Swedish saying in the title. my strong spirit failed me today.

went to the mall today to meet my husband. everyone was eating ice cream!!
seriously, not fun!
ice cream is and always have been my weakness. I just love that creamy, cold and so delicious stuff! aaaagggghhhh

I hate being an addict right now. just give me my f-ing ice cream. I just want one, only one little one. but here is what will happen if I do. it won't stop at that. maybe for today, then tomorrow I'll want more. my excuse for it would be that I've already messed up once this week so I might aswell keep at it and I'll start fresh again on Monday.

I feel very irritated at the moment and I'm not in a good mood at all anymore. my drug is calling out to me and I want it!!!!

"Give me strength to understand what I cannot change
Courage to change what I can and understanding to know the difference!"

I can power through this!!!



I am not sure on how to start explaining what is happening to me right now. I feel how I'm growing as a person everyday. I take more responsibility for my actions and I think a lot about other people in my life and explanations why some things are the way they are.

I used to be very judgy. I complained a lot about a lot really. Never liked that negative part of myself but I was comfortable in it. Bet you've read "always easier to complain about others than to look at your own problems". But I dont have the right to judge anyone. No one does.
We all have our secrets and our problems.
It's not up to others to make you change, only you can do that. If you want to that is <3

I havent weighed myself for a week now. Doesnt seem very long does it ;) Well for me who used to weigh two times a day or maybe more it's a long time. You have no idea how freeing it is! I'm not controlled by a crappy number that defined for me how I was to feel about my body!
Looking at my body right now I would say I'm pretty darn sexy hehe. I even feel it! Not bad huh?

I know that maybe I will not feel like this always, it's all new. But it's up to me to make sure that this way of thinking remains. We are all worth so much! We should just stop complaining. It just drags us down <3

Who wants to try it with me?

Big hugs and thank you for letting me share!



​I hate today, basically the only way to sum up this day for me. I really hate it.
Why? Because my good friend since 3 years is leaving Lund, the wonderful amazing girl that I have had so many laughs with and gone to the movies with and just been able to be myself with is leaving.
Trying my hardest not to cry writing this late.
She is on to new adventures and I am really happy for her and I hope that she will love it. But the ego in me does not like it one bit. So I am in the market for a new go to the cinema buddy, you better like popcorn! I always nag about popcorn! Oh, and my bad sense of humour, you got to have patience for that!
I could really binge today, I want to eat everything sweet I could find. But I won´t, my friend is so supportive in this and for me to binge only because she´s leaving would be me betraying that support, so I wont <3

So how is my eating going, you might ask. I would say it´s going ok. I have a food plan I am suppose to stick to, that is not going to well. 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. So basically eating something every other hour. Which is smart in one way because my portions of food can no longer be as big as I want them to be ;) But I´ve been cheating with that plan. Yesterday I had 2 proper meals. My breakfast was a bag of cherries (bad choice), that was at 9 am, then lunch at 2 pm, which is way to late after breakfast. Then dinner at 7 om. whoops. My sponsor wasn´t to happy with me.
I figured out stuff that i can not eat because if I am served it, I do not stop eating it until it´s gone. So here it is, thought it could be good for you guys to know so it doesnt show up on a table :)

- Candy
- Chocolate
- Cookies and Cakes
- Ice cream (this is the hardest one, I just loooove ice cream)
- Nuts (almonds and cashews)
- Cherries and Strawberries.
- White bread (only binge that on my own though so a roll would be fine)

I like writing this blog, nice getting things out in the open and also just to write when ever I am feeling sad or angry really does help. My sponsor told me I should start doing service to within OA. No idea what yet, but I will figure it out.

Hope you guys are enjoying my blog....if not, well then stop reading it ;) haha.

Love you guys! Thank you! <3



​Don´t even know where to begin today. I am sitting here wanting to cry my eyes out to be honest.

My addiction is worse than I´ve ever thought. I´ve so easily said to you all "yep so here it is, I am a sugar addict and a bulimic", there, it´s all out in the open now. Let´s get better! WRONG, not that easy peeps. Not at all.

So I read about the first step in OA´s book, could relate and felt good about it aswell. But, there was questions to follow. I thought it would be fun, wohoo a little homework to do in the time to get to know myself. Well, getting to know myself suck! I haven´t been a good person at all, and everyone around me who treated me wrong (according to me) and just went up and left my sorry ass, well some really did have a point in doing so!

I´ve been an energy sucking person and for that I am sorry! I just didn´t know that I was though. But I am truly sorry!
I´ve been asked questions like, how have your addiction affected you and the people around you? Have your addiction shown itself recently.

Apparently my addiction is not just food, what comes with an addiction is also to become obsessed with stuff. Not only food. If I take something on I can not do it lightly. Say a diet. I am all in there, I google and I research and I go all in.......for a month or two. Then I get bored, no longer doesn´t give me that high that it did in the beginning.

My weight, oh my god, how many years haven´t I complained about my weight and my body? It´s the f-ing addiction....something to be obsessed with and I chose myself as the object for it.

Something though that I´ve learned right now is how I´ve treated friends through the years. I get a new friend and wow it´s so much fun and so exciting, but after a while also that looses it´s high. Stop calling as much and going back to what makes me comfy.....being alone. Not a thought of how that person feels, I mean that person doesn´t contact me either so who cares, right? No, I set out them to be bad people because it can´t possibly be me.
I´ve had friends turn their backs on me. I´ve been so freaking hurt by it, it made me not trust people, I still don´t .
But the thing is, that they just stopped contacting me because my obsession with talking about myself, complaining about my life. It got to much for them. Telling me the truth wasnt an option or it scared them. So they left.
The mutual communication just wasn´t there

Well to all of you out there. I am truly sorry! I know now why things have gone the way they have in my life and only then can I change. So yes, this is not fun and I feel like shit, But inside I´m smiling too because now, I can do something about it.

Thank you for listening.



I've had the most amazing weekend! Spent Saturday in the sun with friends. Took my first swim in Sweden this year and had some good laughs. Today was spent with my amazing husband looking for a caravan. That man gives me a reason to smile every day. Don't know what my life would be without him, but I'm
Living my perfect life.

So I guess many of you wonder about OA. I can't really tell you much about it and I would never tell you what others say because that is between us members. But I can tell you this. For a compulsive eater and sugar addict. It's like coming home. Like I've been alone in my disease for 30 years and all of a sudden I've found this world with people just like me. They understand me and my obsessive behavior around food and my weight and that alone gives me a reason to finally feel free. I have a long way to go for sure but I'm home!

Enjoy your Sunday! I sure will <3



​Not a very good day today. For the fifth time this week I decided to weigh myself and NOTHING. Not a single pound, nothing. But there is another part of me, obsession. I´ve been obsessed with my weight since I was a teenager, who hasn´t, huh? But I mean REALLY obsessed. I can´t even count the times I´ve asked people around me "am I as big as her?" or "am I as skinny as her", I never really truly looked in the mirror to say "wow look at me I am gorgeous". Because to me, I would be lying. I can look at pictures of me and feel pretty, but only if they are taken in the correct angle and I look skinny on them.

The magazines and all the "this is how you are supposed to look" got to me. My mother has complained about her weight and her body for as long as I can possibly remember. Not the best enviroment for a child to grow up in. But I don´t blame her, she had no idea how it would affect me, she is just like so many women out there. Not happy, not satisfied with the beauty that is us. But for me it created a world that you were not acceptable if you weren´t skinny.

I hate my body, I always have. But I am hoping that with my 12 steps in OA, I will find inner peace. I will work these steps and I am going to do it all the way  because it is time for me to enjoy myself and enjoy my body.
I am hoping to become a mom one day, that would be such a blessing. But when I do become a mom, I want to be strong enough for that child to see that he/she has a mother who loves herself, who doesn´t complain on her body. But who accepts herself for who she is and is having fun and enjoying life because we only have one chance at this life.

This is one of those days where I would just like to binge. Say "screw it, might aswell eat, I´m fat anyway". But I won´t because I am going to defeat this disease once and for all and when ever I feel weak I am going to read this and I will feel strong and be reminded of why I am doing this in the first place.

thank you <3