Before starting this I just want to apologize beforehand, this is going to be one messy post. As I'm writing this its almost 4 am. I've had trouble sleeping the past couple weeks and I don't know why as I stopped taking naps during the day. It bugs me so much that each night as I try to sleep, I keep having the same thoughts in my head;
I know that going to medical school should be tough, but these days it just makes me feel miserable. The thought of being a doctor both excite and scares the sh*t out of me. I mean, saving lives and helping people sounds absolutely marvelous, but I keep having those what ifs in my head. What if I'm not smart enough? What if I'm not strong enough? What if this wasn't really my thing? And as dumb as it sounds, I'm scared I'm going to be a disappointment to everyone I know. What if I won't even be able to finish? My mother often asks if I'm sure I want this and I always say yes because I can't really think of doing anything else, so I know for sure that this is what I would want to do. This probably doesn't even make sense, but what if??? I'm so f*cking scared.
Ever since the semester started, I've barely gone outside of my apartment -
got to make those rent money's worth you know. Jokes aside, I've been awful at taking initiative to contact and making plans with my friends. Even when they message I wouldn't keep the conversation going as I normally would. Why? I don't even know myself. I have the greatest friends and I appreciate them so so much, but I don't know why I am like this.
I've never really had this conversation with anyone - mostly because I will joke it off if we even get into the topic. And if you're reading this - congrats on making it this far into this nonsense post! You are one patient human being.
I don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm a worthless piece of sh*t, but it's ok. This whole thing is just a big question mark for me as well.