As December creeps up on us like your creepy old man, the news keeps hitting us like a north Korean missile. This week has been no different so I am here, once again to break down all the information that you need to know and all of it that you just can't be arsed to research yourself.



  • Ron Weasley and that woman from Suits are getting married!

Here we go... I can not believe that I am having to talk about this like I actually care. In 2018 there is to be another royal wedding, this time though it is the ginger (who we thought would never get laid because... well... he's ginger). Yes Prince Harry has gotten Hitched with American actress Meghan Markle. If you don't know who she is (it's understandable, she's a B lister), she plays Rachel Zane in Suits. Personally I like the show but that has absolutely nothing to do with this. They fell in love... Sorry, she fell for his royal status in June 2016 and obviously when Harry had to get permission from her family, they were all like "FUCK YES". I imagine William and Kate are worrying about Garfield taking the limelight away from their third baby (I literally only know it's their third because my friend corrected me when I said second... Asshole) but chances are, the royals will be the main talk throughout 2018. The ceremony is going to take place at St George's Chapel, which is a private part of Windsor Castle. Both Harry and Meghan want the public to be a part of the ceremony but unless I get to cut the cake, I won't fucking be there. In order for Meghan to even be allowed at the wedding, she has to be hypnotised... I mean baptised and be inducted into the cult of England... I mean Church of England. The real question is "do I get a day off work?" Sadly, no you don't you lazy shit. Just because the 5th in line to the throne (soon to be 6th, poor sod taking one for the team because of the bloody babies) is getting married, doesn't warrant you to sit on your arses, eating Wotsits, getting "dust in your eyes, not crying". So yeah, prepare yourself for a parade (or shit storm) of part time patriots.



  • Ed Sheeran being ignored?

Sticking with the gingers now (because gingers are the easiest targets on God's green earth), Eddy Baby's album has been excluded from the Grammy's (note the Monty Python reference... #culture). This is actually pretty shocking because the new album entitled "even more maths shit" has been one of the biggest albums of the year. Hell, I hear Galway Girl and that other big one at work on every shift I accept. Jay-Z however tops the nominations list with 8 nominations followed by Kendrick Lamar and everyones second favourite druggy singing sensation (excluded Whinehouse) Bruno Mars. Ed can't be bitter though, as he is still up for "best pop solo performance" with "Shape of You". It's good to see that Katy Perry has received no nominations. Someone somewhere must be seeing what I have been seeing for years... Miss Perry causing the end of decent music. So Ed mate... write more songs about drinking and shagging women and you'll be up there with the likes of Jamie Zedd and Kenny Lemar.

*On a side note, Ed broke his arm earlier in the year which was set to put him out of music as he had to wear a cast. But a week later he is seen partying away in clubs with no cast. Hmmmmmm I see a conspiracy occurring.



  • Missiles Galore!

Second week in a row North Korea. You really are putting your balls on the table and showing how big your dick is. On Tuesday my main girl Kim, decided to try to show that she can be a really shitty neighbour. North Korea fired another fucking missile. Seriously, Kim, if you are trying to get yourself blown to shit, this is the right way to go about it. This ballistic missile travelled 620 miles, and landed in the sea of Japan. If i did that speed on UK roads, I don't wanna know how many points I'd get on my license so why is nobody saying "we are officially taking North Koreas license away". The missile was launched from Pyonsong (I'm not even kidding, thats the place name... look it up). The last time they were playing with their toy missiles was back in September which, when you think about it, was actually not too long ago. The biggest idiot in the world Donald Duck made the comment "We will take care of it" and like everything else, he's totally bullshitting. The only time that bloke will take care of North Korea is when Americans die because of the missiles. Personally, I think Japan is still getting over that thing that happened a while ago when one of their residents put a spoon in the microwave and their country exploded or something (I'm not too good at history). Leave Japan alone, They have been through enough already.


  • Donald Trump vs The Internet
Ohhh it's a been a glorious week for those of us who dislike D Trumps. Apparently TIME Magazine called and said they wanted him to be person of the year in one of their issues. However, they asked for a photoshoot and an interview and he could't be arsed. Now this is shitty in itself. I'll accept person of the year and I'll do an interview and a photoshoot and I'll lick jelly off of Theresa May's crusty toes if it mean is get a fat pay check and a ton of press coverage (but then again I am a shallow human being, willing to sink to the lowest of the low in order to get some attention because I have mummy issues). Anyway this story get's even better and weirder. Apparently my favourite president ninja turtle Donatello Trump wasn't actually asked for any of this when the founder of the magazine tweeted that the president lied. This then lead to a brilliant response from all sorts of people. Andy Murray took the piss out of him, Jordan Peele took the piss out of him as did a few other celebs. So maybe its time that my favourite card game enthusiast, Donald Top Trump, quit the internet for good.


It's been an honour writing this week, which is a lie because these things are hard as shit to write and record and edit and post, but I do it for you beautiful people. Anyway join me next week to see what the world is up to.

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What a week! Now that the shit has stopped hitting the fan and Donald Trump has finished harassing Turkeys, let's take a look at the weeks top stories and break them down into simple terms for those of you who don't quite understand "The News".


  • WTF was Zimbabwe's issue?
So this weeks news has been focused primarily on Zimbabwe (good for them for finally getting some air time in 2017). Some of you youngsters may not be completely aware but Zimbabwe is a country in Southern Africa. At one stage, it was called Souther Rhodesia as it was taken over by us Brits because as you know, we used to like owning countries. However the white minority and the black minority started having a little bit of a war and the black minority won so they decided to call their country Zimbabwe (Southern Rhodesia sounds so much cooler if you ask me). So you're now sitting reading this thinking "we didn't click the link for some stupid history lesson" but this is not that. This is a breakdown for those who aren't smart enough to just google it. Anyway, Robert Mugabe AKA that old guy with the weird name, has been in charge for a very long time. In fact he was the countries first ever prime minister but then went on to become the president. He is not a very nice guy to say the least. He has been a dictator in Zimbabwe since he gained power, using violence for his own personal gain. He has also been accused of rigging elections so that he stays in power (living the high life). He also had the media by the balls controlling what they could and couldn't say about him. This is never a good move but for some reason it has been all going fine until the present day. This is where this week comes into play.

So this week, the army has basically said "fuck you old man" and decided to take control of the country. They stated that the way Zimbabwe was being run and the way people were being treated was disgusting and wrong. This all started because Rob got rid of his vice president and attempted to put his wife in charge (great husband material ladies). The army then basically put Mugabe under house arrest and everyone in the world was thinking "yeah pal maybe it's time to move on". But He just told the Zimbabweans to shove it and that he wasn't stepping down. Then a few days later Robert Mugabe basically said "actually I will resign but it's because I want to, not because you told me to" which to be honest has absolutely nobody fooled. So now everyone is hoping Zimbabwe will be at peace and we won't hear from them again for another 35 years.


  • Mr Hammond stepping up (Not Richard)
Ohhhhhh Brexit, you beautiful chaotic mess you. What have you got for us this week? What's that? Chancellor Philip Hammond has said a few words. I'm listening.

So Phil has gone and started talking about how to spend the countries hard earned savings and boy it is looking fun. I shall break down exactly what was said bit by bit.

1) Stamp Duty is going to be cut down.

Stamp duty. What is it and why do I care, I hear everyone between 21 and 25 scream. Well stamp duty is a price you have to pay before buying a property. This all depends on what kind of property you want to buy. For example you have to pay 2% of your earnings if you buy a property £125,001 and 250,000. Phil has gone and announced that first time buyers won't have to pay for this bullshit if your property comes to £300,000 which to me seems great because I do not yet own a house. That is basically all that is changing in the long run. The rest doesn't matter to you because if you're above 25 frankly you are not in the range of my target audience. Sorry.


2) Fag prices have gone up, beer has gone down.


Phil... Mate... I don't know how to feel about this one. so he has increased the price of fags by 2%, meaning a pack of 20 is going to cost 28p more. But on a more positive note, alcohol has gone down. Mr Hammond, you are my hero. Even if a pint is only 1p less expensive and a bottle of wine is 6p cheaper, it's better than nothing. Fuel will most probably be on the rise again because fuel is always on the rise. But you have to take the beer thing as a win right. Cut your fucking losses.


3) Railcards for the win.


So in another win and another nod to my target audience, He's only gone and said that the railcard will now be available to 26-30 year olds. This means that all of us lucky shits get 1/3 off travel in the UK. Phil... you're not doing too bad pal. keep up the good work.


4) National living wage to increase by 4.4%


Yes that is right. We all get paid a little bit more if we are on minimum wage. It's going from £7.50 up to £7.83 an hour. It doesn't seem like much but you'll be thanking good old Phil when you're out on the sesh with the beer being cheaper and your wages being higher. GOOD LAD!


So yeah that shit happened this week and like a lot of people around the UK i'm smiling for a change.


  • North Korea showing that it is still a massive dick.
You know shit is bad in North Korea when it's only army want to get the hell out of there. Earlier this week a North Korean soldier legged it towards the border, trying to see if grass is truly greener on the other side. However during his courageous act, he was being shot at by other military officials in North Korea. Luckily the poor bloke made it to the other side of the border and was recovered by South Korean Officials. He was air lifted to a hospital by a US chopper (which must be really pissing Kim off at this point). As I type this, I have read online that he has actually woken up. Someone get this man a cup of coffee and some bourbon biscuits. I don't wanna say that this may be a push towards another war but... you know... this may be a push towards another war.


And that is the main headlines from this week.

Join me next week when I attempt to talk shit about the news whilst pretending that I completely understand what is going on.

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