As December creeps up on us like your creepy old man, the news keeps hitting us like a north Korean missile. This week has been no different so I am here, once again to break down all the information that you need to know and all of it that you just can't be arsed to research yourself.
- Ron Weasley and that woman from Suits are getting married!
Here we go... I can not believe that I am having to talk about this like I actually care. In 2018 there is to be another royal wedding, this time though it is the ginger (who we thought would never get laid because... well... he's ginger). Yes Prince Harry has gotten Hitched with American actress Meghan Markle. If you don't know who she is (it's understandable, she's a B lister), she plays Rachel Zane in Suits. Personally I like the show but that has absolutely nothing to do with this. They fell in love... Sorry, she fell for his royal status in June 2016 and obviously when Harry had to get permission from her family, they were all like "FUCK YES". I imagine William and Kate are worrying about Garfield taking the limelight away from their third baby (I literally only know it's their third because my friend corrected me when I said second... Asshole) but chances are, the royals will be the main talk throughout 2018. The ceremony is going to take place at St George's Chapel, which is a private part of Windsor Castle. Both Harry and Meghan want the public to be a part of the ceremony but unless I get to cut the cake, I won't fucking be there. In order for Meghan to even be allowed at the wedding, she has to be hypnotised... I mean baptised and be inducted into the cult of England... I mean Church of England. The real question is "do I get a day off work?" Sadly, no you don't you lazy shit. Just because the 5th in line to the throne (soon to be 6th, poor sod taking one for the team because of the bloody babies) is getting married, doesn't warrant you to sit on your arses, eating Wotsits, getting "dust in your eyes, not crying". So yeah, prepare yourself for a parade (or shit storm) of part time patriots.
- Ed Sheeran being ignored?
Sticking with the gingers now (because gingers are the easiest targets on God's green earth), Eddy Baby's album has been excluded from the Grammy's (note the Monty Python reference... #culture). This is actually pretty shocking because the new album entitled "even more maths shit" has been one of the biggest albums of the year. Hell, I hear Galway Girl and that other big one at work on every shift I accept. Jay-Z however tops the nominations list with 8 nominations followed by Kendrick Lamar and everyones second favourite druggy singing sensation (excluded Whinehouse) Bruno Mars. Ed can't be bitter though, as he is still up for "best pop solo performance" with "Shape of You". It's good to see that Katy Perry has received no nominations. Someone somewhere must be seeing what I have been seeing for years... Miss Perry causing the end of decent music. So Ed mate... write more songs about drinking and shagging women and you'll be up there with the likes of Jamie Zedd and Kenny Lemar.
*On a side note, Ed broke his arm earlier in the year which was set to put him out of music as he had to wear a cast. But a week later he is seen partying away in clubs with no cast. Hmmmmmm I see a conspiracy occurring.
- Missiles Galore!
Second week in a row North Korea. You really are putting your balls on the table and showing how big your dick is. On Tuesday my main girl Kim, decided to try to show that she can be a really shitty neighbour. North Korea fired another fucking missile. Seriously, Kim, if you are trying to get yourself blown to shit, this is the right way to go about it. This ballistic missile travelled 620 miles, and landed in the sea of Japan. If i did that speed on UK roads, I don't wanna know how many points I'd get on my license so why is nobody saying "we are officially taking North Koreas license away". The missile was launched from Pyonsong (I'm not even kidding, thats the place name... look it up). The last time they were playing with their toy missiles was back in September which, when you think about it, was actually not too long ago. The biggest idiot in the world Donald Duck made the comment "We will take care of it" and like everything else, he's totally bullshitting. The only time that bloke will take care of North Korea is when Americans die because of the missiles. Personally, I think Japan is still getting over that thing that happened a while ago when one of their residents put a spoon in the microwave and their country exploded or something (I'm not too good at history). Leave Japan alone, They have been through enough already.
- Donald Trump vs The Internet
It's been an honour writing this week, which is a lie because these things are hard as shit to write and record and edit and post, but I do it for you beautiful people. Anyway join me next week to see what the world is up to.