Envy, envy, envy.
I'm envious, it's a normal human feeling and it's one of the seven things that makes me human but what am I envious of?
The world? My surroundings? Everything I guess yet at nothing because I like the way I have it now yet I act like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum when I don't get what I want yet somethings I know I can't get and I don't really get disappointed, get it? But when it's these simple things that everyone gets I get slightly mad and every time I hear something related to the subject that someone else get this simple thing I get envious, frustrated.
But the easiest way to destroy someone's mental is to tell them that you'll think about it when you already know you're gonna deny them the question. Because when you commit such an act and get the other persons hopes up, you destroy them when you act like the question never had even been a possibIity.

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In an isolated town the daffodils are growing from the ground, the sun is shining and a thousand fragrances is choking the nose of every little pollen allergic person. The spring is here and it's spectacular, fantastic why? Because the 6 month of depression is over, the sun is returning to the country and people are starting to lighten the fuck up yet people are still out there battling their own demons, fighting to make the voices stop screaming in their ears, screaming words of tragedy or repeating horrible memories from the past, I wish I could help these people.
The people that are suffering, the people who are constantly trying to end their lives yet constantly try to find something to hold on to. But where would I begin? There 's probably some shitty handbook on how to save a life but those things are useless.

How do I save your life?

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Every been so infuriated that you just want to destroy everything in your path? So angry so you're shaking & crying at the same time?
When you are in the most destructive behavior that you just self destruct. I believe if you never get to say what you want to say one day it just bursts out and all the feelings release at the same time.
What do you even do when you want to destroy everything? Some people might smoke marijuana, drop a xanax or anger fuck a sex doll until your body releases the amount of adrenaline to calm yourself down?
Sometimes it feels like we humans are just waiting to self destruct like that & that scares the living shit out of me because if someone is so wrathful they could kill you out in the streets & who would care, politicians?
Doubt it.
There are good days & there are bad days, in bad times take a moment to remember the times when life was at its peak and strive to get even higher because you can't stop climbing now.

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In a society where there are unwritten rules you can never do anything right or wrong, right?

It's a social construct where you get judged if you have green hair as a boy or decide to do this or that. If you don't follow the rules of your surroundings you're going to get judged no matter what, even if it's not intentional. See you can do as much drugs as you want, cheat on your test or cheat on your partner as much as you fucking want, it's not wrong and it's not right but you gotta think what happens to the people around you and what happens to yourself. You could try too hook up with your friends ex but if that truly succeeds you may not have a friend afterwards since people have rules & 1 of those rules are you can't date your friends ex.

In a society where there are unwritten rules you can do anything you want, you don't need to follow those rules but if you want to be able to fit in you gotta follow the rules. Personally I don't care about these rules, if I see someone smoking the herb or cheat on tests that's their business but if you cheat on your significant other I would be upset because I'm really not down with watching people do that. What I'm trying to say here is do whatever the fuck you want, I have a jacket with roses on, I have colored my hair even though I'm a boy and I have watched my surroundings judge me and it's not always negative response but you can even see the strangers face when you see a boy come in the room with green hair and let me tell you, it's priceless.

There is no right or wrong just consequences of your actions.

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Greed, one of the seven deadly sins, the sin of desiring more in a selfish way. A desire to get more than you actually need.

All people have a desire of gaining something more, whether it's money, fame or women. Ever since I was a young boy I have dreamt of being rich and famous it never mattered in what way I got rich, I could be anything from an author or a rapper the only thing that mattered was if the occupation was getting me rich and famous. I still wish though that people knew my name and people do at least in my town where everyone know my name yet it feels that I don't know a single person and that creates some kind of loneliness because everyone takes for granted that I have 800 friends I can choose from, yet I lay in my bed waiting for someone to call me for once. In a town where everyone knows my name but majority isn't able to call me a friend which makes me kind of sad because I welcome everyone in my life whether you're from Iran or Norway, I believe that if you are nice you deserve nice back, isn't that how it's supposed to work?

When it comes to money, I'm a big spender because as soon as that paycheck comes in it's gone the other day and you sit there wondering what the fuck happened? Sometimes you understand what you do if you do for example a big purchase but sometimes you just sit there with a '': ^)'' face and think I'm okay, I just have a crippling economy and then you wonder how much an 18 y/o little chubby guy would get for prostitution or how much my fire album would get me if I ever made one. I JUST WANT A LOT OF MONEY MAN SO I CAN SPEND WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ALRIGHT. Then you just spend all your money on lottery tickets or playing blackjack in the bar at 1am just wishing for some wins.

So, what do you desire?

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What in the world is love? How in the world would you understand that what you are feeling is in fact love? What do you respond when your friend tells you that you shouldn't get too attached because in this age nothing lasts.

What if I want it to last? I can tell you if this feeling is love because when you have a person in your life that makes you excited when you wake up, when you can't go minutes without thinking about the details on the persons face, if the person is safe or how the person is really feeling.

The title may be the wonders of love and that is because love can make you go from a deep depression to a feeling of a happiness that out shines anyone else, a happiness so bright that it could be compared with the light from the stars or even the biggest star the sun. Love is opening up all your walls for the other, like the wall that you built all those years ago never even existed in the first place.

Even though love is one of the most wonderful feeling in the world in my point of view, it could also be one of the worst things in the world. A one sided love, a heartbreak, an abuser or even a cheater. What I hate the most is cheaters and why that is, is because you open every little detail to your significant other in hope that they will stay in your life, dedicate themselves to you and even after all your efforts they would still make love to another person. That is like the biggest mark of saying that you are not good enough. To every man and woman out there in the world I want to tell you with this post is that if you give 100% to your partner, you are better then good enough and if they cheat on you just remember that they are not even worth your time, effort or love for that matter. You are great, love yourself and if you ever cheat, may you forever live with that sin constantly reminding you of what kind of person you are.

The person that makes you want to go on dates and just lay in bed all day, actually you know what, every little detail you notice on the person that makes you fall in love, the thought of experiencing everything with that person and get those butterflies that never seem to leave and the feeling that you never want this person out of your life and the cause of your happiness. That is truly the wonders of love.

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It's 6 am and you wake up with another hard feeling in your heart, not knowing what is troubling you. In the moment of going out you feel the cigarette burn through your lips, kind of hoping that the burning sensation was a kiss from your significant other & wondering after all these years why you're still smoking like THERE IS NO LONGER ANY PRESSURE, YOU DONT HAVE TO BE COOL ANYMORE. But it's an addiction, a nasty habit you can't get out of. If I would not smoke I know for a fact that I'd be laying in my bed or in public shaking more than your moms vibrator asking myself why I put myself through this in the first place. I'd ask god why he couldn't let me be a normal human being without panic attacks, without having to put myself through things that makes me feel better for the moment like cigarettes and alcohol. Yet months has passed without a panic attack yet you feel some kind of anxiety that it could happen at any time or place. At the busstop at 7 am or when you're half asleep at 3 am constantly walking back and forth to your bathroom and bedroom trying to figure out if you're still alive.

Yet you ask yourself what is a good life & why am I feeling like this? What do I need to feel good?

The things that makes me happy & makes me feel like living a life worth living is surrounding myself with great people, people like Cindy, Annie and Pao & we got the boys at Sweetwater tattoo that always makes my anxiety wash away as soon as i step inside that door. Waking up knowing that these people exist in my life makes me know that I have nothing to stress in life because they got my back, sides and front, It's a feeling of security and I couldn't thank them enough for being in my life.

Of course we can't forget the cigarettes that's been defiling my life since the age of 14 even though it's gonna be the death of me it seems you are gonna stay in my life for awhile. Even through all of lifes hardships and struggles always remember that there is no such thing as a life thats better than yours because whoever you are and whatever your name is, you are great.

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