thoughts and feelings

I am not the type of person who likes talking about my feelings. I hate it, to makes me feel vulnerable. I hate feelings just in general, or at least showing them. I am extremely sensitive and I take pretty much everything personally which can make it really difficult for me to hide my feelings. Some people say that I'm an easy read, they can tell really easily but others are clueless. I do fool a lot of people though, I always have, I'm good at faking feelings. Now don't get me wrong, when I say I hate feelings, that doesn't make me an emotionless person who avoids feeling things, I still feel things, I just don't show the things I'm feeling for others. I don't ever wanna hurt anyone and I don't ever wanna get hurt so I usually find that not having any real feelings about stuff makes things easier.

I don't like talking to people about my feelings and it's something that I'm working on and trying to be better at. I feel like I don't like to talk about it because I don't always know the reason that I'm feeling a certain way, or I feel like I don't have a reason to be feeling that way so I instead push it away. Because I don't like talking about how I feel, I started keeping a 'feelings journal' (sounds dumb I know but hang with me). It's actually really helped me, I have always had problems controlling my anger and feelings and often let them build up until everything explodes, but keeping a journal has helped me get rid of my feelings in a way that works for me, a way that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. One of my closest friend always tries to get me to explain what means to me and I always say, you're you, and he gets annoyed and says I know I'm me but who is that to you. The truth is I don't know, I can't describe what people mean to me, a lot of times its because there isn't a word that I can use to explain what the person means to me, but other times its just that I don't know. I don't know how to describe my feelings i don't know how to describe the meaning someone has to me. Is that really a problem though? I know how much that person means to me and I shouldn't have to explain why the person means something to me. 

Natalie xx

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adventure, friends, pictures

I made the decision a few weeks ago to dye my hair pink, yes pink, and I don't mean a light pretty pastel pink like I originally wanted. I died it shock, hot, pink. I really really really loved it but its almost all gone and I'm majorly upset.

My friend is a great photographer and we both share a passion for taking photos, so we decided to go out on a nature walk, pretty much in the middle of nowhere, and take pictures. We hadn't planned to take pictures of each other but it ended up that way and we ended up taking some really nice pictures.

I love taking pictures of people and when it comes to taking pictures of her, it's really easy, she's super photogenic and I think she's pretty used to being infront of a camera. She makes taking the photographs fun and simple but they always turn out really nicely. Its really difficult to come up with new poses all the time and you always feel a bit dumb standing infront of a camera and moving around trying to look good, but it's fun nonetheless. I'm sure that I made it difficult for her because of my inability to take things seriously but she got some.

Natalie xx

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thoughts and feelings, friends

It's 00:47 am and I am finding myself kinda down in the dumps. I haven't had much alone time this past week because of the friends I had visiting from America. I wasn't/am not used to having people around all the time, so having them around was confusing and weird but so much fun. I got really used to their company the last two three days, I didn't have time to sit and overthink and stress and worry, but now I've been alone all day, and I've been thinking all day. I've been thinking about stuff that I can't change.

A thought that struck me somewhere around 23:30 is, what my life would look like if I still lived in the states. Would I still be friends with the ones I'm closest too? Would I have made up with the ones who decided last year to not have me in their lives anymore? Would I have been more stressed, or less? Would I still want to be a cognitive psychologist? Would I be happier? I ask myself all of these questions but am unable to give myself an adequate answer, because I don't have one. I don't know the answers to these questions and that makes me so unbelievably despondent.
I think a a reason for that is because I myself don't know where I want to live in the future but how can I know which place is best for me if I can't compare the two places. I can't compare how America was for me when I was 12 to how Sweden is for me when I'm 16 I've changed I'm constantly changing. When I was twelve I still wanted to be a vet, I played with Barbies in secret. I have no comparison so what happens if I make the wrong decision. What if that's the decision that ruins me.

I've also spent a lot of time today thinking about the friendships that I have in my life. I have let so many people back into my life after being greatly hurt by them, but they are also some of the greatest friendships that I have, forgiveness is important, a petty mistake/fight months before doesn't mean anything. Those friendships I have been lucky with. There are other ones however aren't as good. A friendship that I have despite being countlessly hurt with almost every word they speak or having them not listen to my stories, worries, laughs, cries, the fact that they brush everything that they do off with fake promises that they can't keep, that they purposely do childish things to make one angry. Those types of friends are dangerous, but I am the type of person that can't let anyone go. I always have the idea that they will change for the better.


I have so much to learn in life but one of the most important lessons that I have yet to learn is that fact that you can't change the past, you can't spend too much time thinking about the unknown, and don't beat yourself up because you don't have the answer to a question that is unanswerable.

natalie xx

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friends

Today me and a friend went to go see Alice Through the Looking Glass and it was amazing!!! We did miss the first five minutes of the movie though because we uh went to the wrong theatre and proceeded to argue with someone who claimed to have the same seats as us. We then basically laughed and ran out of the theatre embarrassed. The movie was really good though, kept you on your toes the entire time, I love Johnny Depp too so seeing him on the big screen is always a good time.

So in exactly two weeks school will be over with and I'm hella stressed. I don't wanna move on and go to the next grade, it's grade 9 and that's the year that you have to take a whole bunch of intense tests and basically pick what you want to do in the future. We are also losing a few people in the class that are finishing grade nine and I'm really just gonna miss every single one of them so much. :(
I am looking forward to summer though, I think it'll be a good one, I'm working the first 3 weeks I think and after that I'm (pretty sure )I'll be going to Croatia and hopefully, if my family agrees, be going to Spain with a friend of mine. We have a friend from Florida visiting to which will be super fun, I'll get to show her a bit of Sweden! 

I'm honestly so exited for Croatia, I've been wanting to go there for a few years now and ugh it's just such a beautiful country that I wish I could spend an entire month there just exploring, taking pictures and enjoying the outstanding beauty that the country beholds!!

natalie xx

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thoughts and feelings

I am beyond done. So done. I am done caring about what he thinks, what he does, who he does, and why he does. I have spent, no, wasted enough time being upset about the things that he has said and done. Guys think that they can do whatever they want and get away with it. They are oblivious to the fact that we have feelings, that we are human beings. I have never been so upset over things that a person has said, at, to, or about, me in my entire life. I don't understand, but whatever I'll be taking the high road, as per usual.

natalie xx

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travels, adventure, pictures

There is so much that I love to do in life, but one of my absolute favourite things is travelling. I love every aspect of it, figuring out where to go, what to do, the plane/train/bus/car ride, arriving, taking pictures and eventually, going home.

I'm in Spain right now, and it's so nice. I haven't been here in six years, it's crazy. Yesterday my mother and I drove up to a place called La Reserva and it was really beautiful to be honest. It's basically a wildlife reserve, with wild peacocks, trails, bears, donkeys stuff like that. After that we drove to the town that I lived/ grew up in for the first three years of my life. I get a funny feeling, one of familiarity, but it quickly disappeared.

Today we're going to drive to the west coast to see Valldemossa and a place called Sa Calobra. Im super excited and I'm sure there'll be tons of pics later!

I love travelling and I hope it's passion that I'll always have, it's such an amazing thing, being able to see the world.

natalie xx

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friends

When I first moved to Sweden, I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to make new friends. I have always been quite a shy person, I don't like to make the first move or try to make new friends. I find that the idea of rejection is worse than being alone. In Orlando almost all the friends I had, I made from mutual friends or I had known them all my life. Sweden, however, was a different, I didn't have any friends in the first place, I was starting the journey alone. The first month, month and a half, I kinda sat in the background talking to the occasional person, when they talked to me, of course.

There was a group of girls that always sat together and always seemed like they were having lots of fun. One day they told me to sit with them at lunch and I did, the next day I did the same. There was four of them, one of them had always said hi to me, she was blonde and seemed to be happy all the time, one had bright red hair she was nice, obsessed with Keith Powers, and always surrounded by the intimidating one, I spent probably about a month thinking that they both hated me. The last one was so kind and always tried to include me in the conversation, taking time to ask me questions about school and life in the US. It took maybe three weeks for me to feel totally comfortable around these girls, the more I was around them, the more I could be myself, the
more I felt like I was becoming my old self. I now have an amazing friendship with these girls and I wouldn't give anything to change it. Sadly three of them are leaving next year to go on with their lives in the next school, but you bet your ass I'm going to try and see them whenever I can, I owe my happiness to these girls.

As the year moved on, I got to know the entire class better, I grew more confident and happy. I now can talk easily to everyone in the class and spend my breaks singing at the top of my lungs with my friends or doing something else fun. I love my class so much. I always know that no matter what, I'll always have someone there to laugh with, talk to, whatever, every single person in the class has a quality that I adore. I don't think my transition to Swedish life would've been this easy without the class the way that it is.

The guys that I have met here have made my life so much more interesting. They are honestly some of the funniest people that I have ever met. I can sit laughing during an entire lesson just because of the things that they say or do. They're also super sweet and caring and I'm so thankful for them. (even if they do tease me for my Swedish sometimes)

Meeting new people and making new friends is really difficult, especially when you don't really know how, but it so great to develop relationships with people. I am just so overjoyed to have these new people in my life, they have taught, cared about, and helped me so much. If you're reading this, thank you, thank you so much for everything. ❤️

natalie xx

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nature, pictures

I usually hate the weekends, because I often find myself cooped up in my room reading or watching greys. I have realised though, now that I've finished greys, that it's all on me. I can choose to sit in my room, in the darkness, or I can go out and discover cute little quirks in the beautiful city I call my home. Yesterday I went on a bike ride, and while on the bike ride, I made the decision to make bike rides or discovery of this city a weekly thing. Life is short and I shouldn't spend it cooped up, I should go out and see as much of it as I can. Yesterday's bike ride was so nice, I was out for an hour and a half maybe and I got to watch as the sun set. I saw how the sky changed from blue to yellow to orange to pink to red. I wish I had a picture that did the sky justice. It was one of the prettiest sunsets I've ever seen.

Today I somehow managed to get my mom and dad out with me too, and we drove around for a long while before ending up at a beach. It was so beautiful the sun had begun to set, the ice on the lake was still partially frozen and it was just so peaceful! We were the only people on the beach, which is understandable because it was minus two Celsius and quite windy if I must say. Now my father complained a lot of the way saying it was too cold and that his knee hurt, but when the sun finally settled he couldn't help but admit that it was beautiful and worth the walk.


Being outside makes me so much happier, i love fresh air and nature sounds, I thrive in the outdoors. I especially love evenings and nights, when the sun starts to set and everything seems to tranquillise, and when the stars come out, and you can hear the crickets chirping in the background, I absolutely love it. I feel like sometimes that's the only constant thing like I can rely on the night sky because I know it's always going to come and that thought really calms me, maybe that's why I love nights. Go outside, find quirks, discover, it's so relaxing and it makes you feel so much better afterwords.

Natalie xx

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future self, thoughts and feelings

​Many kids when they're young really want to be a princess, rockstar, astronaut, mad scientist, or something totally irrational, but I was talking to my mother about it the other day and I always wanted to be Vet, a veterinarian I had these little kits that had like a fake thermometer a stethoscope, a needle, scissors, and I always used to use them on my dog she would just lay there while I poked and prodded her, she was such great company. Anyway, I grew out of my vet phase when I was like thirteen and realised in order to be a vet I would have to put down animals too and I'd never be able to do that. 

So after that phase I wanted to be a physical therapist, it was around the time I had torn my MCL in my elbow and had begun attending physical therapy myself, I just liked the idea of being able to help someone possibly regain feeling or use of a muscle that they couldn't use. That phase was quite short lived thought and I soon moved on to wanting to be a psycologist. Now at this point I thought that a psychologist was a therapist, I love(d) listening to people talk and giving advice so I thought that was a good fit. So I stuck to that for a while and then I got a few books on psychology and I realised that being a psychologist did not have to mean being a therapist. I spent days months even searching and reading through those books trying to figure out what kind of psychology I wanted to be a part of, I was always extremely interested in why we feel the way we do, why we fall in love why we feel jealousy, or sadness, why are some people more prone to anxiety and depression, stuff like that, now the closet I could get to that is cognitive psychology/neuroscience which studies the behavioural aspect of your brain.  I love reading about it now, I have books on books all about cognitive and behaviour. 

Anyway moral of the story, I've always had really high expectations for myself and it's not the best because I've never been the best student and I procrastinate quite a bunch, but I reach for the stars anyways.  So reach for the stars and do your best to catch them. 

Natalie xx

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thoughts and feelings

We are now halfway through the first month of 2016 and I can not believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was celebrating New Years at my friend Mattias' house when I was 7 years old. It's amazing how quickly time flies by.

2015 was a tough year with a lot of ups and downs. A lot happened. I moved to Sweden, I made new friends, I ended some friendships, I changed in a lot of ways. I am afraid of 2016 though, i'm not really sure why but i have a weird feeling about it, i have a gut feeling telling me that it won't be a good one, but it could be paranoia. I just don't wanna get my hopes up and it be a really bad year. A little pessimistic i guess but when you've been disappointed before, why not set up for that and let yourself be happily surprised.

I am not a person who makes New Years resolutions, because I know I won't keep to them, what I do try to do is set a weekly goal, to achieve, this week happened to be for me to be the best person I could be, to be nice and thankful, but I mean they can be anything from making people laugh to just keeping a smile on my face. My family though, they do love making New Years resolution and when they asked me at the dinner table the last night of the year I said to make more people laugh or happy. I love making people laugh, maybe its because I love laughing and I know how good just a few minutes of laughter can make one feel, or maybe I like seeing others happy, either way thats something that i would like to try to do in 2016. I am not sure how i'm going to achieve that goal but I'm going to try.

I hope 2016 is a good one, and that my gut feeling is just paranoia and it dissappears quickly.  People always say that you're the one in control of your life so you should make it how you want it, maybe I'll try that this year! Who knows! 

Natalie xx

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