Hi friends, it has been a while indeed. I woke up this morning and felt like I wanted to explore this again. I have always enjoyed and found it easy to express myself in text. It has also been a way for me to vent or just process what is going on inside of me. I find it very easy to be honest in this way of communication and I appreciate that I can take this time to connect with myself and my feelings. Last time I wrote something here we were still in Mexico, that is almost a year ago now. Right now the time is 8:43am in Melbourne, Australia. In sitting in my bedroom of the apartment which I have been living in since July this year. It is a really nice apartment, only a year old and I like what me and my housemate Rachel has done to the place. It is not to big, not to small, close to the train station and almost to close to the grocery store haha. I can admit to myself that I haven't been spending much time here and I think that the coming month is going to offer me an opportunity to be here and be safe. This next month is all about prioritising well being and mental health, something I probably never have given to myself before. I have started to do yoga and meditation and I have felt this calm within myself that I have never experienced before.
A lot of thing have happened since the last time. I think the major thing is that I was diagnosed with celiac disease in June and it turned my world upside down. I had to relearn, rediscover and cry about it. I have been struggling enormously and especially since I haven't been healthy even though I am on a strict gluten free diet(that is the only way to control your disease). I had to say goodbye to my life where things such as bread, pasta, soy sauce and a lot of other things could still exist. When I now look back at it I realise that I was grieving. I had to introduce a drastic change in my life and it wasn't east for me. What made it even more difficult was the anxiety I developed about accidentally eating gluten. That one time when I had some food at work, got gluten in me and then had to try to get home. I can still remember how I felt like I was going to pass out and in this time Kerrod really supported me through it. I still threw up on the nature strip 200 meters from his house and he still said: "you shouldn't drink on weekdays" when this lady passed us. I am still not able to laugh at it, but I know that it is going to happen again, and that I will be sick, but it is not the end of the world.
It has been a very tough year for me. It is funny in a way because 2016 was such a lovely and enjoyable time for me. This year on the other hand has been full of challenges, stress and sadness. In saying that there has also been a lot of love, fun, laughter and enjoyment. It is easy to see the hardship and focus on that but I carry in my heart a knowledge that this year has also brought me a lot of growth. In these two past years I have developed an emotional intelligence and communication skills I never knew off. I feel like I have found something in myself that I value deeply and I'm excited to keep fostering that in myself. These last 2 weeks I have started to see a psychologist and she has really helped me realise things about myself; how I view the world, my dependency on other people and some other stuff. I think I have always known that I depend on other people and it is also funny that I, at the age of 19 took all my stuff and moved to the other side of the world. Maybe that was a way for me to break free from the dependency I had felt my entire life. I did however pass that dependency on to Kerrod, especially after I got sick. He was my stability in life and I think by having that view, it got less and less stable. It is easy to go back and think that I "should" have acted differently but in the end of the day you can't keep beating yourself up. My intention has always been that I do whatever I think is best for the situation and I have learnt along the way that there are other ways to go about things. Instead of being sad about that I have been doing it "wrong" I can instead choose to see it as I have learnt something new and exciting and I want to apply it to my life from now on.
Expect for being sick I have been going to university. I'm studying a bachelor degree in Criminology. Unfortunately university has been a big burden and I haven't been able to enjoy going there due to my sickness. The first semester was a bit easier because I was still able to go in to uni but this semester I have only been able to attend class maybe once or twice. This might sound horrible and I'm not going to lie, it has been very difficult but thanks to my supportive doctor and my understanding teachers everything has worked out well. I have enjoyed to learn the things that I have learnt and by knowing that I am confident that I'm studying something I eventually want to work with. During this difficult time I have received amazing support from Kerrod and his family and I will always be very grateful for that. To be honest I am not sure if I would have been able to deal with it myself and therefore I can't thank them enough.
At this moment, I am finding myself to be in a very difficult situation. I am sad and confused and trying to figure out what is best for me to do. I have lived my two past years in Melbourne and this is pretty much the only place where I know how to pay bills, earn money, go to university and cook for myself. I feel a lot of comfort and safety from living in this country. Only a week ago I signed a one year membership on a gym that I'm going to with Ymke. I also have a phone contract, my water polo and other commitments. What I usually do when things get tough is that I escape. I run because I have this mindset that I can't be in the sadness because it is to overwhelming. Yesterday I wanted to be on the first plane to Sweden, move back in with my parents and cry until I didn't have any tears left haha. Today I realised that I want to honour what I have built for myself. I have a life here, I have my own friends even though they are not many I still love them deeply and I'm so grateful for their existence in my life. There are so much I love about Melbourne as a city, the city has so much to offer and I feel as though I haven't seen and experienced it all, Can you ever though? There is also so much I want to see and explore of Australia before I pack my bags and go.
I want to remember that 19 year old girl who boarded a plane without any expectations of what was gonna happen. Even though a reason why she was leaving was because she wanted a blanked page. Well, here we are again. More than 2 years later, I guess what I need to decide is, where do I go from here? What do I want? How can I work towards that? Is Melbourne where I want to live right now? It doesn't even have to be a big commitment. Even though if I decide to go home in December I will do my best to enjoy the time that is left here and to be grateful for everything. It is okay to be sad, but I don't want to forget and let it influence my good memories of this. I loved every minute of it and even though it hurts I can't deny the valuable impact it had on my life. So thank you Melbourne and Melbourne friends. WOW! Who would have thought that I would experience all this with you? Thank you for showing me love, footy, beautiful places, hot days, surfing, yummy food, funny slang words, typical aussie things such as barbies, sheds, sport in general, coffee and kindness. Thanks to everyone for welcoming me with open arms and embracing who I am. Thank you for loving my Swedish me. I have loved you back! You have been good to me Melbourne and if this is goodbye, I want to remember all the good times I have had together with you all. Sometimes goodbyes aren't "bad". They just been that something new is around the corner. I feel like I can be open to that now.
For a new beginning :)
Ps. this are some pictures from my first month in Melbourne, almost two years ago.