Yes, I finally did it! I finally saved up some strength and motivation to start filming again. Yes, this video is messy, yes it is unplanned, yes it is rambly, but at least it is a step forward. And isn’t that the most important thing? To take that first step towards something you want to achieve and be proud of what you have made and what you have become. To more days like that Sunday, when even though the morning wasn’t promising and I felt like hell, something good came out of that. To more bad things that turned into something beautiful.
I hope this year will take us all to a next level of courage, motivation and inspiration. And happiness, of course. Being happy and proud of yourself is something special.
I hope you like the video and get my point. Stick around, I promise to film better content in the future. We all have somewhere to grow.
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I am a loser in life. What I get- i lose. I think that happens more often than usual, because of the way our society works. Only the chosen ones, the charismatic, brave and normal can be something. Only the speacial ones will ever matter. There are only few of them. The rest of us are shit. You know what? I'm tired of being shit. I'm tired of not being good enough for people.
I'm tired of being unsuccessful and slow. I want to achieve things. I want to be great at what I do and do as much as I can. Why I can't do that?
Because I will never believe in myself, while living in this age of pain, revenge, hatred, harm and horrible decisions.
I want to be something. At least something. At least for a second.
Sometimes I feel like there's an old soul living inside of my body. An old soul, that has had alot of lives.
And maybe in the past life, my soul had a lover, a soulmate it was madly in love with. They spent a happy and lovable life together while they could, until my lover died and I had to spend the rest of my past life in misery, pain and sadness. Maybe I missed my lover and craved it's attention and loving touch so much, that I died from crying every night, I died from missing the other half of my soul, I died missing the love it brought me. Maybe I died from a lonely heart.
Maybe that's why I am so sad and depressed in this life. My soul still missed my lover so it found it. Found the soul I loved in the past life. But that soul died unexpectedly in the past life and didn't have to go through all that pain and suffering, didn't have to know how it feels to lose the only thing you love, and most importantly, didn't die from sadness and sorrow.
Maybe that's why in this life I have so much love to give. Maybe that's why I cry for no apparent reason sometimes. Maybe that's why I will never get enough of love from the person I love. Because I miss the love we had in the past life. Because I miss the things I never got to do in the past life.
My life now may be a second chance.
A second chance to love that same old soul I have and always will love. Because love never dies. Maybe.
Maybe this is all true. Maybe I am just a dreamer.
Oh, and I cried all of my makeup off while writing this, how great.
I've been lost for a long while now, but I am finally ready to speak again. I've missed this site and the feeling of satisfaction I get from letting my words out and my feelings roam free. I've missed the quiet evenings I spent with myself just writing what I feel and not paying much attention to what comes out. I have missed you. Feels weird to just let it all out again, but sometimes you just have to set your mind free, so your soul can be peacful at least for a moment. I, as you all know, have trouble with that.
By all this time I have found help. Professional help from a doctor, help from the people around me, I have started to help myself, because I admitted I needed it. What do you need in life? Have you ever thought about it? What do you want yourself to be, what do you want to feel like? I'm asking this, because these are questions only you have the answer to. I ask myself pretty often- what are my priorities? Honestly, I had it all figured out. I had it all in my head, written, painted with the most beautiful colours. I had my whole life in front of me. What happened? I underestimated myself. I didn't believe in myslef when it was obvious that I should. Do. Not. Make. My. Mistakes. Again, I'm saying this, because I don't want you to get messed up just like I did. I thought less of me, pushed myself down, while right in front of me happened something I couldn't see. I was so full of hatred against myself I didn't realize who I was really hurting. I've made many mistakes, but the biggest one could be pretending I'm blind when my eyes were wide open, pretending I'm deaf while someone's screaming in my ears and pretending to be someone not only I but the rest of the world would hate. I became this person who is reckless and awful just because I underestimated the true love and power within me and around me.
I wish I could have known before, I wish I had been smarter and realised that I am important. Now it's too late. I'm sure my life will be fine, but the damage is done and I will never forgive myself. I love pain, but not when the one hurting is the other half of my petty but loving heart. Not when it's the one person I now know I will always be with.
When you find the one that you love, do not underestimate you. If you are lucky enough tho be loved by someone, you know you are a great person. You know you are worth it, if someone thinks you are. It's not the matter of opinions. It's the matter of one paticular opinion, that changes the way you see things, changes the way you breathe, changes the way you smell things. Ordinary becomes amazing, okay becomes good and worthless becomes important. Maybe not important to you, but you know, if you mean something to someone, you are truly a gift to the world.
We all are gifts to each other.
I wanted to help people so bad, I wanted to let people know that it gets better, that life is beautiful and so are we, but there is something inside of me that keeps telling me otherwise. It's a part of me that has always been here, but with every day it grows bigger and bigger. This dark and sad thing is taking over me. I can't seem to focus, I can't find motivation to do anything. Not even simple things like answer to texts or take a shower, or do simple tasks I've been given in school. I can't seem to do anything. I've become more and more useless by the day. I have fallen into a dark hole and I can't get out.
"I don't want help, I don't want to be saved. I don't need anything. I need to die alone."
- This is what I hear every day in my head. I know it's bullshit, I just can't get it out of my head. I feel like I'm crazy. I know I am crazy. And how, after all of this, there are people who believe in me?
You are never alone. There is always someone out there by your side, ready to help you and take good care of you. Respect the people, who are willing to give everything they have, to save you. Respect the people, who would do anything for you. Even if you think that people like that don't exist, think again. They're somewhere near. Either you don't know how they feel, or you haven't met them yet. But trust me. I don't even trust myself, so I'm asking you to do it. There is always gonna be someone who loves and cares for you. You just have to know that you are never alone.
I apologize. I am suffering from myself. Learn from my mistakes.
What is life? What is the meaning of it?
I'm still in this period of life, where questions appear more than answers. And I don't know what to do. I want to help the world and the people who are my world, but first I have to help myself. You can't change the world, when there's something inside of you that you have to get rid of- a bad thought, a bad habit. And I'm not talking about smoking or drinking kind of habits, I mean hurting yourself and others, I mean living in constant pain and hate with yourself. That has to stop. At one point all people need to realize that they can't and wont get further, if they keep continuing living in pain and hatred. I've realized that. I've been stuck at the same place for a long while and I just can't seem to go past it. Because I have things that still need to get done. I've started alot, but never finished it. I've put high hopes on myself and my life, because a beautiful human being showed me that I'm worth it. We're all worth it, and as I've said before, we're all beautiful, and we deserve to know that we deserve more than we think. And then comes learning that without work, you won't get anything. You get the best things in life at the worst of times, you get the biggest support when you're at the lowest point. But it all comes with a price- yourself. You have to put work into yourself to grow in feelings and strength. You have to work for a better life.
I have trouble with that. I hope one day I'll learn to be a better person, I hope I will find answers. Until then, I hope I don't ruin anything that I've started.
Seeking for help within herself.
What are feelings even made of? Fear and love? A mix of each person's insecurities? I don't even know what I'm feeling, God knows what it all means. Why do we feel? Why do we think about the things that we feel and the things that make us feel? Why do we wonder about "what if" and "maybe"?
I need answers. I don't have them. Nobody does really. Not even doctors. They have diagnosis, but they never have real answers to why. But people like myself seek knowledge, we seek answers to unsolvable questions and mind puzzles that may never be solved, yet we want to solve them. I wonder alot. I don't even know what about. The people around me, the feelings around me, the thoughts that touch my life and the people in it. I don't have many people in my life, but the ones I have, i don't let out of my mind for a second. I don't let their souls live in peace because I want to know why they are here, why right now and why them? Why these people, who's lives seemed fine before they comnected with mine. Why would they be any better now? Why would I be better as a person now? Why do you confuse me, life?
I don't know anymore.
If you know, let me know.
Fear is beautiful. And I would know, I used to live in constant fear. Of everything. People, thoughts, me, my capabilities, my weakneses. Everything life gave me, I was afraid of it. Life gave me friends, I was afraid, life gave me enemies, I was still afraid. Anything life gave to me- I was doubting it. I never trusted it. But then life gave me something that was meant to be trusted. And the fears just kinda dissapeared. They vanished one by one. It took time, more than I thought. It took work, just like everything in life. It took pain and suffering to realize that the fears that were eating me from the inside, have no reason to exist. The thoughts that were stuck with me, they had no real sense to them. They had no thruth or reality to them, yet I believed them. But slowly I was proven wrong. Slowly? Who am I kidding. It happened so fast! The feelings, the love, the trust, it took over me like a strike of lightning! I never thought I could trust a real human being, who knew I will trust myself.
It all took time. I learned that my fears were unnecessary. But as I was learning, I discovered new fears- loss, heartbrake, illness, death. I feared of not giving enought to the person who deserves it the most. It feared hurting the only thing that holds me toghether.
The more I was telling myself that I don't have to fear, I saw the beauty of it. If you're afraid of losing someone,you truly see it's important to you. Fear makes you feel, fear makes you human. Don't be scared to face your fears and concur them. And don't let them take over you. Don't get lost in your own insecurities, emrace them.
That's what I'm doing with this blog. I was so scared to say what I have to say to the world, but facing this fear makes me strong, it makes me feel better, it makes me feel powerful. We all are powerful. We're not super-men and women. We don't have super powers. But we have our flaws that make us beautiful. We have our insecurities that make us who we are. We are beautiful.
And so are our fears.
Let's face them together.
All it takes is a loving touch. To heal, to show you care, to show you truly love. That one touch does magical things. And it's not always physical. Sometimes it's mental and it goes to you heart, it touches your heart like a warm breeze, like a wave of fresh air in your lungs, that makes you so happy. There are so many things that can make a person happy. So many little details in your life, that makw it amazing. And it's always so beautiful, to make someone else happy. The smile on their face or the smiley in your phone is all that takes to know, you did good.
Good people still exist and they're everywhere- the girl sitting next to you on the train, the old woman waiting in line at the grocery shop, the man who is standing on the street, waiting for someone with a flower in his hand. They're all special. They all have something good inside of them, something that keeps them going. And sometimes, what keeps them going, is a touch by someone special. You never know where that girl is going, why that old woman is buying a cake in a Wednesday morning, and why that man is right there, right at that moment. People need love to exist, they need a loving hand by their side, holding theirs. Love is a magical thing, really. It does wonders to a person, to society. It does wonders to your universe. It creates new worlds and new reasons to be happy. Love is a reason to try, to keep going, to exist. We all exist for a reason.
We all exist to be loved.
Success comes with a lot of hard work. I learned that the hard way. Once you take away the "being scared" part, you're bound to do great things. Once you believe in yourself, you open new possibilities to grow and learn. But how do you learn not to be scared? I had trouble with that. As a person who suffers from anxiety, I am and always will be afraid to open up, be myself, be open-minded. I know I'm not the only one. I know I am not alone in this world. But some time ago I didn't know that. I didn't believe that good things happen in this world. Buy you know what? They do. It took a long time for me to figure that out, and still I sometimes forget it. I needed help and I got it when I needed it the most, when I was at my darkest and loneliest times. I felt like giving up on life and myselft with it. I didn't want to try, didn't want to be. I had so much to say, but so little courage. So many thoughts, but so many fears. It killed me from the inside. And now, when I open my eyes on an every day basis, I see people with similar feelings. I see the sadness in their eyes and coldness in their hands. These people are not where they want to be, they're not with the people they want to be with. They don't know what they want. And I'm not sure if they even want anything, or they're scared to even want. But dear beautiful souls...
Without a doubt, you deserve to be happy. Your words deserve to be heard and your eyes deserve to shine with that happy sparkle once in a while. Life has it's balance. With bad comes good, with sad comes happy. If you feel bad now, just know, that something beautiful and amzing is waiting for you ahead. Don't sit in one place, explore, open up. There's beauty in every soul, there's a story with every scar and a bit of insperation in every adventure you take. Every chance you take leads you closer to discovering new beauty in yourself and the people and places around you. Once you take your head out of the grey mass of fear, you see drops of color and light. You see the uniqueness in the society, that is all so same. You become a unique drop of color in a rain, where most of the raindrops are the same.