Why I started this blog on this day was because I’ve had enough. I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I won’t seek help. This because of many reasons, first off, I’m too scared to show myself as vulnerable and weak. Second comes that I’m too scared that I’m an “impossible” case that can’t get cured. There is several more reasons that I’m not going to tell today but the point is that I’m scared of getting help. Why I had enough this day depends on my binge I had. I define a binge as a pattern of disordered eating which consists of episodes of uncontrollable eating. I experienced that tonight and I’m sick of it, I want it to stop. I’ve done this before. Binge eat then the next day decided to turn my life around and stop. But after a few days or sometimes after a week or two I binge eat. I’m at square one all over again. I’m going to do my very best not to binge eat this time. I won’t have any forbidden foods, I won’t get too upset if I eat a few calories over my goal and I will find ways to avoid moments where I know the probability for me to binge is high. I’ve noticed that my urge to binge decreases when I actually listen to my body and hunger, daah.. so I will write everting down in my notes what I eat then in the evening I will transfer it to MyFitnessPal when I’ve stopped eating for the day. I’ve tried this before and it’s allowing me to listen to my body but also to keep track on what I eat.
Ever since I got conscious about my body, the food I ate and how it affected my body in both negative and positive ways, I have been obsessed. I’ve always thought I was the one in control, but truth is, I never was. I have been a slave to the food, exercise and societies standards. Recently I’ve begin to understand how bad this is and how long this have been going on. The first time I poured out my tomato soup in the sink, the one I should have eaten for dinner, was in 2012. I was only 12 years old when I started to restrict the food, push away my family and friends. But the saddest part is, I lost myself along the way. I’m still lost among the choice of starving myself or eat. I don’t know the difference between over exercising and enough. I feel quilt when I’ve eaten “too much” or something “unhealthy”. Every day I try to be good enough for my mum and brother. I try to look my best in front of my boyfriend, my friends and others. I’m trying to be the best, all the time. Almost every time I lose, I fail according to me. I try too hard and blame myself for not being good enough. I think I’m the only one seeing this because I don’t want to look weak. Even though I’m fragile as hell on the inside which no one will ever see. I’m a ticking grenade and someday I might explode.