Today was a very good day, unlike the other day I wrote about.
Me and my best friend started the day of by visiting one of our old teachers who moved school. It was so nice to see her again and talk to her. It gave me a good start of the day and instantly got me in a good mood. She was very suprised to see us though, which made it just a little bit more fun. We had been planning this for a whole week and were very exited.
After meeting our old teacher we took the bus home, which was a little struggle as we didn't know where we were or where the bus station were so we had to look around for quite some bit of time. We found one after about 15 minutes though.
When I got home I rested, did some schoolwork and then I ate some chocolate without using any of my b/p behaviours, which is a progress. Then my best friend came over and we studied math together and it was very fun actually! We had a absolute blast, even though it was math we was working with we managed to make it fun. And that's a thing I really like about my bestfriend she always finds a way to make things fun.
When she left things got a little dark and twisty in my head. I felt very disgusted by eating what I had during out study session and wanted to use my behaviours soooo bad, and almost gave in but I didn't and that's another progress!
But something just happened that made my day take a little dark turn, my dad have found out about my behaviours and confronted me about it. He said that he knew about my blog and that I wasn't allowed to have my whole name in the title, so I removed it.
I do think that he thinks that I do this to get attention, which I want to inform everyone that I don't! I write this blog because I need to rant to someone about this, and it doesn't matter who reads it. And I also write this blog to spread awereness about mental health problems as I don't think that they get taken serious enough.
It bothers me that people try to get my illnesses to be about them, it's not about them. These problems I have has nothing to do with what they feel, thnk or anything. My illnesses is because of me, they are not there to make others feel bad and I'm sorry that they do make others feel bad, but that's something that I can't help. I didn't choose to be this way, I've tried to fight it but that didn't make me feel better.
In the beggining of this year I was put in forced recovery, after a few months of fighting it I gave up I let them give me all that food, and I ate it. I gained weight to the weight where my body was comfortable but I didn't feel at all comfortable in myself. I didn't feel like me, like this was my body, I felt like a hostage in my own mind. Every thought and voice was still there, they didn't go away and I wasn't strong enough to handle it so I did what I felt was the only solution for me, I let it back in... And that was one of my worst decitions I have ever made but I can't undo it. Right now I don't know where I am, if I want recovery or not.
I know that I don't want to be this way, but I don't know if I am willing to go though that again. But if I do take my time to get out of this I can have a normal life and not obesess over calories, what I'm going to eat and not eat. I can be truly happy and whenever someone asked me "How are you?" I would be able to respind that "I'm good" and mean it.
I am very pro-recovery and support everyone who is recovering and I hope that you find your way to happiness. I know it's very hypocritical but I can't really help it.
Anyway stay strong lovlies,
All the love, Emma.