Hello friends!
How have you been? It's been like 4 days now since I left Sweden to be with Ben, and boy do I have stories to share. However, this post is not about the trip. This post is about a specific show (read: book) that I want to share with you. I guess most of you have already seen it or at least heard of it. So me and Ben went to the book store, mainly because I wanted to get a book to practice my English grammar. We went around looking and I came across the Teens Section where my eyes went straight for a title that I've been looking for in Sweden. Thirteen reasons why, I knew that I had to get it as soon as I saw it.

When we came back from the store I immediately started reading it. I got hooked just as I got hooked watching the show. Now, I will warn you here that this post will contain spoilers. If you haven't read or watched Thirteen reasons why... I either recommend you to do it or just stop reading from here if you're not interested in it.

There's a few things that differ from the two, the book and the show that is. In both you get to know Clay Jensen and you get to see a lot from his perspective. However, in the book it all happens over one night. He still walks around the places that Hannah marked on the map and he still listens with the old Walkman he borrow (read: stole) from his friend Tony. Int he series he does a lot of things and it does not happen over one night. In fact, I believe the show takes place of the course of at least 5 weeks after Hannah's suicide. Clay keeps confronting the rest of the people (Hannah's 11 reasons) that is on Hannah's list on her tapes. The rest of the people does not really want Clay to keep listening to these tapes because according to them, Hannah is lying about everything. Clay ends up not knowing (this happens a few times) what is true and what is not. They end up starting a group trying to keep Clay's mouth shouted when they get too scared he might tell everyone about the tapes.
That does not happen in the book. Clay keeps to himself, Tony gives him a ride since he does not want him to be alone when Clay listens to his own tape. His mother even joins him for a few minutes at Rosie's (the diner where Hannah talks about Marcus). But that's about it, no more people that he really talks to. Skye also meets him on the bus, but no one from the other tapes except for Marcus who sits by Tyler's window just like in the show. That's about it...

Something that I really did like about it is that it became two different versions och the same story. In one of them you you more personal, also knowing that Clay thinks about Hannah's story. You read his mind as he sits there and listens. Some of the thoughts are embarrassing but some of them are heartbreaking. He wanted to be her friend so bad but he got too afraid of her reputation without even knowing that it wasn't true. He got too scared to ask and now he regrets not talking to her about it. You get to know Clay in a more sensitive and intimate way than in the show. However, in the show you get more sight of what's happening to everybody and not only Clay. You see how Justin's fighting alcohol to make it through the day after knowing what Hannah went through and that he was one of the reasons why she took her own life. Alex get more and more depressed each day and by the end of the show he tried to commit suicide. Jessica finds out that Bryce raped her at the party but Justin lied about it all. All these teenagers, trying survive each day now after knowing what they all did to a girl who only wanted friends. In the book, you are not aware of anyone other than Clay's reaction, emotions and thoughts about it. 

I don't really remember, but in the book Hannah even tells everyone on these tapes of the ways she thought about taking her own life. Hanging is not an option because she did not want her parents to go through that. In the book she took her own life by swallowing a bunch of pills, that way it was less painful. In the show however, you get to see a really graphic scene where she slits her wrist. No music in the background and no talking. Just Hannah in the bathtub slitting her own writs. You see, a lof of people said that the producers where glorifying suicide by making such a graphic suicide. Their respons is that, that was not the plan. They want people to know the brutal way it can happen and they want people to see it with their own eyes. Truth be told, this is not an uncommon way for suicide. I like the fact that they didn't censor it, they put in there for people to be aware of the topic of suicide. 

After I watched the show I was left with this heavy feeling that I haven't felt for a very long time. I used to bullied when I was in 5th grade and then in gymnasiet (the swedish equivalent to High School) I spent most of my time alone because I thought and felt that no one wanted to be with me. In 5th grade I got depressed to the point where I really did not want to go to school. I was different than everyone and they knew it. My friends watched me as the bullies made fun out of me in the hallway on recess. The bullies put notes in my desk and they made me feel unwelcome at school. Until out school decided to move the one that bullied the most and all of sudden they were all nice to me? I never trusted them again of course and after that I felt alone everyday even though I had my friends. I kept a heavy feeling around me for 2 years until I moved to a different school and got new friends, who were just like me! 

So here comes the question: Which one did I like the best? I can't answer that question really. I like the fact that it was the same story but told in different ways. You got to see everyone else other than Clay in the show but in the book you got more emotions from Clay. You were with him in a different way as Hannah's story unfold. You could see the damage a suicide could make on a large group in the show but you also saw the personal damage that was left with Clay. So... I like both of the sides of telling a tragic story. The book where more personal but the show had a greater impact in showing the damage on different people instead. 

One thing that I really want to point out with this post is that we need to be more open about the topics of depression, anxiety and even suicide. Depression and anxiety is something that is truly scary but if we don't talk about it... It won't minimize the risk of more people getting depressed. Dealing with depression and anxiety is not fun, let me tell you that. I deal with it every single day and I probably will for the rest of my day. Small things can give me anxiety and it could ruin the day for me. There was a point in my life where I felt like I couldn't talk about it with anyne, because they have never been there themselves. No one talked about it in my school, no one wanted to talk about it anyways. I kept to myself and got even more depressed. I felt so left out from things and I tried my best to be this happy little mooooop that I am. I'm struggling with that even now when I'm soon 21 years old. 

My advice to you is... Talk to ones around you about it. Make people more aware of depression and anxiety. It something that is real and it's not just to '' get over it and be happy! '' becuase , excuse my french, it's pure bullshit. I hope you never tell anyone that is dealing with something mentally to get over it and be happy. Just don't.

This post turned out a bit personal but hey, that is what the show did to me. It made me think and it made me feel. 

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Hello!
So today is the day that I leave the company that I've worked for. It's been roughly 9 months since I went on a job interview. I was so nervous, like any other person going on an interview. One week or maybe two weeks later my sister messaged me and said '' There's a rumour going on that you got the job. '' In that moment I was confused because I had no idea that I did? People at the office knew before me but later that day my sister contacted me again and told me that the one of the ones that interviewed me would call me today. So that person called and she happened to be the most excellent boss that I've had so far. She's pretty much the first boss I've had, if you don't count the boss that I almost never saw when I worked as a concierge. My boss called me later that day and we talked about some arrangement; signing the contracts etc. I forgot to meantion one thing though.. The detail that I would have to leave in the middle of December because I was going on a trip. My boss got silent and mumbled something to her self and I felt stupid and anxious that I didn't mention the trip earlier. It worked out though and the contract was signed. The 19th of October was my first day.

So I was only supposed to be there October - December. I was meant to take over a co-workers job as he had to do other things in the company. For three days I sat next to Tim as he showed me the system, I listened to the phone calls and I made sure I understood everything by taking home all the detalis/manuals. I was so pumped to learn and having this in my daily life for two months. People at the office asked me how things were going and I told them that I was happy to be there and I felt comfortable with the work I was about to get involved into. All the orders that I could make, how invoices worked and mostly knowing more about how products works. Cookware, Coffe makers and all other kitchen gadgets. I was impressed by Tims memory of over 50 model number and all the information that he had. I remember that I asked him so many questions about EVERYTHING the first few times that I was on the phone.

So the time passed and I talked to my boss about if they were satisfied with me and if there was a chance of me staying longer I was interested. Some days later we had a talk again and she asked if I could work for another 6 months. I said YES OF COURSE LET ME WORK WITH YOU I LOVE THIS JOB AAAA. A new contract was signed and couple of days later I was on my way to the airport to meet Ben. I remember that I felt like I shouldn't be on that plane because I needed to work. But I knew that everyone knew what they were doing, so I felt fine. I knew I would come back to my colleagues and I would feel safe leaving some work behind.

April 4th, we switched our order system completely. We only got couple of hours worth of education when we actually needed at least 3 weeks of eduction in this whole new system. Of course we had manuals but some of them made no sense to us. It came to a point where nothing made sense in this new system, called SAP. SAP is such an amazing and useful to use - if you know what you're doing.

I'm not going to get into detail on what we've been doing from 4th of April - Today (30th of June). However, it's been dragging me down mentally. Everything that I did after 4th of April has been a mess and I feel so bad for leaving my wonderful co-workers like this. This morning I even started crying thinking about the fact that tomorrow is my last day and on Monday I leave for new adventures.

The phone calls and I feel stressed to answer. Today I felt like crying most of the day and I asked my co-worker if it was okay that I logged off from the phone because I kept on tearing up. She understood and told me to focus on getting the last things done instead of taking the phone. So yesterday at work was painful. I told my boss that she had been an amazing boss and that I couldn't ask for a better one.

It feels heavy having to say goodbye to everyone. The fieldsales people, people at the office and other people you've had contact with. But man, it's going to feel so nice going on new adventures. It's going to feel so unreal on monday that I don't have to go to work. I'm going somewhere else, faaaaaar away from the office.

On another side note! I dyed my hair blue for my mothers wedding. Her favorite color is turquoise and my sisters (who were the bridesmaid) wore turquoise dresses. I felt like I had to contribute in some way, so why not color my hair the color my mom loves? And let me tell you, her wedding consisted only of white and turquoise. Maybe some splash of other color somewhere but man oh man. The wedding was also really fun but I went to bed pretty early. See some pictures below on how beautiful my mom and my sister looked! Aaaaaah~

Last week I went to Lydias place and she helped me with the purple color I've always wanted in my hair. My hair has more than just one color. The blue didn't completely disappear while bleaching or adding the purple. There's still some brown parts from the first bleaching.

It's been 6 months since I last saw Ben. On monday, I leave home early to catch my first plane to see him again. Holy crap! I'm going to meet Ben again in just a few days and I'm so excited. We have a lot of plans this summer. I can't wait...

On another note; I catch myself sometimes thinking about last year. How everything spiraled down for me and by this time last year I was so depressed and sad. I felt useless and that I didn't do anything but doing things wrong. I was never right and I was always the fault of someones hurting. It came to a point where I started believing this person, until I had enough of the mental abuse this person put me through, and I'm no angel myself. I know that I put this person under a lot of mentally pain as well. But I realized that we weren't good for each other and it took too long for me to realize it. I don't know if this person ever understood that, I hope this person does now that we weren't good for eachother. We were too different and it showed. I don't feel like comparing myself that much but man... Am I happier now. I feel loved and I feel appreciated in my life by my boyfriend, family and friends. I feel lucky and I feel blessed with this life. Of course I'm somewhat sad and I feel horrible with leaving my co-workers with the struggles of SAP, but it will take some days before I can fully relax.

I'm so grateful for this experience, even though sometimes you felt like you weren't enough.

So if my co-workers and my boss reads this; don't forget that you're doing an amazing job and that there's light in the end of tunnel. I'm always here if you need my help, with anything. You're strong and wonderful people. 

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Hallå kompisar!! - Hello friends!
I'm sorry for the lack of posts, I've been busy again with life and everything that has to do with life. Work is going fine and I find myself satisfied with the work I do everyday. Of course it's not always fun whenever there's a customer who calls and their attitude i the worst. Their mind are set on being angry and when I try to help them with all I got they're just not friendly towards me. I had a customer who called week and first I answered the phone, first thing he said was '' SPEAK LOUDER SO I CAN HEAR YOU. '' Why don't you just... I don't know, turn up the volume on your phone? Of course I didn't say that but I did start talking louder, making my colleague, who sits right next to me, look at me with a raised eyebrow. I did remember his voice and I knew that I've talked to him before but since he didn't say his name in the begginning I couldn't recall who it was at first. Anyways, this customer wanted to tall to our technicians but as a routine we can't just give their numbers to people here and there. This customer got upset and asked me why, I told him why and he just laughed. After that he explained to me what happened to his bread maker and it did sound like a technical problem, it was also pretty old according to him so...... He asked me how long these products are suppose to hold. I told him that for as long as possible, which I know isn't a specific answer but there is no specific answer to these questions. We want our products to live for as long as possible but it IS a machine, they do break if you don't take good care of it or if it's getting old. All I can say about this customer is that he wasn't friendly or nice. He hung up on me as I was talking and laughed at me for just doing my job. He'll probably call tomorrow and ask for my boss again.

So how have I been besides angry customers and working? Compared to last year I'm doing so much better. I'm happier, I look forward to go to work(almost every morning) and I have awesome friends and a boyfriend who makes me happy. Life is great for me and I have plans that I'm looking forward to. A few weeks ago me and Ben ordered our tickets for the summer. I'll fly to him on the July 3rd and we'll both leave July 25th to Sweden. That means that we will have plenty of time to spend with each other. We've already made some plans for when we're both in the US and when we're in Sweden. I can't wait! It's only 2 months an a couple of days left until we meet again and I keep imagine the feeling when we see each other at the airport.

So... A week ago I sent an easter gift to Ben and he sent one for me. I got my gift yesterday and as I saw the note that I could pick the package up from the post office I freaked out. I picked it up from the post office and ran home. At home I opened the package and I saw what I got. I got one of his jacket, which I call floof because it's so fluffy and big, that I was supposed to get for chistmas but I guess we forgot about it. I also got couple of other things. There was this card in there, he had wrapped it 3 times with bubble wrap to make sure that it couldn't get damaged. The card is so beautiful. When you open it, it popps up a magnolian tree and I love it... I also got a little green heart, a charm that I could in my locket.

From being postive to being negative, I have to share my thoughts about what happened a week ago in Stockholm, Sweden. There was a terrorist attack. A truck got hijacked, the hijacker drove full speed down our crowdest street in Stockholm and hitting people. 4 people died and around 15 people were injured in this horrible incident. The truck drove right into Åhléns, which is a really big store on the same street. The hijacker somehow escpade but police later on that night, caught him. Th police released pictures of a man who was on his way from the subway, they never mentioned if he was the suspect or not. They only mentioned that he might've had a connection this deed.

I got the news as I was at work. A woman sent out an email to everyone at our office saying that there's been a terrorist attack and that we should stay away from the central Stockholm. I couldn't believe that something like that could happen so I kept on working. Chaos started to work itself up, people calling each other and we heard reports of shootings in different places in the city. We hade 1,5 hour left of work, could've been only an hour left. The phone was quiet and the office started to get empty. It was as if we were the only ones there. I called my mom and she was ok. My dad called and he was ok. My sister work at the same place with me so I knew that she was safe. My family was safe, even though my mom was still in the city and I couldn't come home. We heard that the police shut down the whole city and as I live in the city I couldn't come home.

My sister said that I could stay at her place as she lives only 5 minutes away from work. So we walked home to her and I felt calm. Almost oddly calm for the situation. I wasn't afraid of anything, I wasn't crying and I didn't panic. I was calm as I watched the news.

Dad picked me up around 10 pm and as I came home, the thoughts hit me. Drottningsgatan, the street where it all happened is a street I usually pass when I'm in the central part of the city. I walk there often. I believe that there's a lot of people that thought the same thing as me, it could've been me. It's a scary thought and it leaves you in fear. What if it was me? What if I was there, walked in my own bubble while listening to music. What if I didn't notice the truck and it just hit me as if I were a piece of paper? What would happen to my family when they got the news? What would happen to Ben?

I thought about it that whole weekend. It bothered me and I drowned myself in playing TERA, avoiding thinking and feeling about it. I couldn't grasp it. I just couldn't. Then on Monday, we all gathered at work to talk about what happened. I sat there and listened to everyone talking. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings, that this day will be one of those that you'll remember for the rest of your life. This isn't something that I will forget easily. I still don't think I have fully grasped that it happened. For some people, that was actually there... It's still happening to them. They see it everyday. They hear the screams every night. The family who lost their loved ones, they feel it everyday.

I still don't know how I should feel about all of this. I'm not scared. I'm not terrified. But I feel for the victims.

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Hello friends!
I've been occupied with work and haven't really been in the mood to sit down, take time to write a blog post. A small update; my bag found it's way home back to me, I miss Ben, I've had some stressful days at work and life happened.

I thought about something earlier. I've been staring at this blog post for a while now, trying to fill it with my own thoughts but not much is written. I know that this post and these thoughts I have come from somewhere. It's in the past and it's what happened to me that made we want to write this. I get stuck with my words but I feel so creative right now. I want to write this long post about Time and Space but as I started writing it... Like I said, I get stuck. I guess it's called writersblock or something like that? I get like this sometimes. I want to write something, my fingers tingle from being in the mood to write something but in the end I'll just write couple of words that won't make sense to anyone because they are my own thoughts and I need to write them down somewhere. I know that I can use google docs but... I want people to understand me and my thoughts that I have? I tried to be more open with Ben when it comes to my thoughts. There's just this weird feeling that I have where I think I'll get judged by what I'm thinking if I tell him. Not only him but... Specifically him. Anyways, I tried to write down some of my thoughts about Time and space, see below.

The word and concept about Time and Space.. Giving someone time to think, giving someone time to heal, giving and taking time. We're all dependent on time. Time can heal our scars if we let time do it's works of wonder. We shll never forget however, that we have to work some on our own to achieve healing. Maybe the healing means that you have to be on your own for a while or maybe it means that you have to spend time with people that you love. Time means something different to everyone and you never know someones else definition of time.

There's different reasons why someone would need time. Time off from work, time off from family, time off from a poisonous relationship or time off from being yourself. There's plenty of reasons why you'd need to take time off from something and they're all valid reasons for you. People may not understand it, but as long as you feel like this is exactly what you need then do it. Not everyone will accept your choice but in this world we need to be a bit selfish in the choices that we make. If we need to find happiness in a dark place and you need to let go of negativity, then do what feels right for you. If you know that your choice will hurt for a while but you'll end up happier... Don't stop for anyone. Take your time. Do what you need to do in order to make you happy again.

I saw a quote on tumblr that everyone has to heal in their own pace and I couldn't agree more. There's going to be impatient people in your life, trying to make it their time for you to heal. They will try and put pressure on you in makin decisions that mostly apply to them. These decisions will create a pressure on you and get in the way for your time to heal. Almost forcing you to accept a decisions you weren't ready to make or do something for others that you weren't ready for. This can either end up being something positive or it can go down south fast. Screw those people, they don't care about you if they force themselves and their own worries on your healing time. They might tell you to stop being so negative, stop doing this and that only for the purpose of cheering them up. They will tell you that their problems are bigger than yours and their depression is nothing compared to yours. Stop listening to them and take time off from them. Are they really worth being so close to you?

Time isn't just about taking time off and making sure that whatever is hurting is going to heal. Time also consumes us and creates a bubble where you disappear for a while in thoughts. We think about time and try calculate how much time we need from something. That time isn't enough or that time isn't going any faster. You long for someone you love but there's almost too much time until you get to see each other again. Days, weeks and even months until you see each other again. You get frustrated sometimes and time couldn't move slower. You start thinking about how time matters, almost getting obsessed with counting down the days as if that's the only thing that matters. You stop thinking about the outside world and you're just in this bubble where you count the days, weeks and months left. Another day pass by and the only thing that changed was that another day passed by. The countdown changed by one day. One day, but you're still obsessing with time and how much time there's left.

It's all about the term Time and Space, that makes us either heal or it consumes us whole. I believe that we have a choice when it comes to time and space. We need as much time as we need for whatever we're going through. No one should pressure you into anything.

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