​small time hollywood


In my third year as amagazine cover artist I found out that I was being cheated on by my four yearlong girlfriend and I would´ve been mad as it is but I had to ask why and withwho and where and so on. I mean where did I go wrong? I finished college, got agreat job and got a house for the both of us. I´d like to think I made herhappy but it turns out to be otherwise.

So here I am in this stupid,smelly bar in a Friday night getting a thousand messages on my phone from myfriend telling me that I should come to this party down town, I mean who thefuck is Jennifer and why should I care if she´s turning 28? she´s getting oldI’ll tell you that. What does Jennifer know about getting cheated on by you´reso called “soul mate”?  Nothing! Jenniferknows shit about getting cheated on with a guy named Bob. How can guy named Bobfuck my girlfriend behind my back? The name it self turns you off.

          FUCK.

So there I was drinking myguts out, I’m surprised my liver´s ok to be honest. I was at that same bar forthree days in a row, I mean who needs a proper meal when you can just drinkyour guts out.

 The next week I spent being pretty miserableand I couldn’t come up with a cover for this one magazine where women talkabout vegan stuff, I don’t even think anyone can do that.  My boss is such an asshole too and he spentthe whole week telling about how much he hates his new wife and how much Ishould be working, I mean fuck you Mr. Smith. You 55 y/o asshole that gotdivorced 3 times because you can´t stop cheating. I mean cover up your tracksat least. 

After a while it was time forChristmas break and man was I happy to get a whole week of just nothing. Youmight think coming up with covers for magazines are easy but think again myfriend.

I remember last year when Iwent to this party with Meg, oh good times. Meg wasn’t a half bad girlfrienduntil she fucked bob. But this year I was going out with my good friend Andre.Andre was my roomie in college. Pretty cool guy, he taught me how to talk withgirls. He was the reason I met Meg.

“Let´s go dummy, we got aparty to attend and I’m not getting late because you´re on your period”. Andresaid drinking my last freaking beer.

“Really dude? Period? Bestyou can come up with?” “And why do you always drink all my beer every time youcome by?” I said changing

the channel on my TV.

“Can we just leave beforeit´s too late for a fashionably late entrance to this party man?”

“Yeah yeah okay” I murmuredknowing that I couldn’t reject going out tonight.

 I haven’t had sex in months now because ofBob, Damn you Bob with your sexy body and not so sexy name for taking mygirlfriend. I mean what am I supposed to do? Jerk off? It doesn’t even feelgood anymore.

So we went to the party andthe thing that surprised me wasn’t how shitty the party was but the fact thatit was a costume party in the middle of December. I walked straight to thekitchen where the booze was leaving Andre with some girl he saw when he came inand I thought “hey, why not set another record on how wasted you can get in onenight” so I started drinking and as I was drinking I see this girl with a smallmask on her face and I could swear she looked like Penny Auburn. Who´s PennyAuburn you ask? Oh she´s only this big movie star that everyone adores, nobiggie.

As I kept drinking I see thisguy coming close to this girl that was sitting in front of me and he starts bysaying the same thing all guys say when we´re trying to pick up a girl, “Can Ibuy you a drink”. I slapped my forehead laughing which made both of them lookat me and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Dumb guy: What´s so funnydude?

Me: nothing really

“No really fag, what´sfunny?” he said looking mad

“Okay “dude” look around youwe´re at a party hosted by two gay guys so the fag thing, pretty shitty moveand secondly why would you ask a girl if she wants you buying drinks for her?You saying she can’t buy for her self?” and before I got to say another wordsome girl decides to finish my sentence by saying “and one more thing, we´re ata party so I’m pretty sure the booze´s free” which made me laugh really hardand made the dumb guy leave.

“You know I really didn’t needhelp back there, but damn that was good,” I said drinking my beer.

“Yeah but you were about toget punched in the face because that little stunt, I mean did you see how bighe was?” she ironically said making fun of me.

As we were talking I looked closerand damn does this girl look like Penny.

“I´m Ty by the way” I saidshaking her hand

“I´m Ashley”

I ended up talking to her fora while making fun of other people at the party laughing our guts out andgetting drunk at the same time, there was this couple that was making out on asofa in the living room and Ashley dared me to be the third wheel but littledid she know that I was an expert third wheel, I mean if there was a degree forbeing one I would have at least two. I nailed her challenge and she admittedthat it was “too easy of a challenge” pfft that’s what any sore loser wouldsay.

As time went by we startedgetting sloppy.

“Hey you wanna go out so Icould actually buy you some drinks other than this degusting beer?” I askedlaying down on a dirty smelly couch with her

“Wow so you´re already askingfor a date” she said making fun of me again.

“Well yeah I mean it´s timesomeone does it properly”

“Yeah, what the heck let´sgo”

“Just like that? Really?” Isaid looking really surprised

“Let´s go Romeo “she saidgetting her stuff

I took her to this restaurantnear Brooklyn and she came up with this brilliant idea where we´d complainabout everything in the restaurant.

“Darling! This meat isuncooked” I yelled looking snobby about the meat I ordered

“And the wine is not welltaken care off baby!” she yelled trying not laugh

“Garson! we will not pay forthis food” we Yelled and walked out of the restaurant and what do you know, itworked. I mean we just ate for free even if it was just a little bit. We wentto other restaurants doing the same thing and they all sorta worked except forthis one lady that wouldn’t take our bullshit.

We finally got to arestaurant and we decided that we´re just having this date here instead ofwhining and bitching and man was I going to regret going to that restaurant.

“So why do you still have your mask on?” I asked noticing the fact that she didn’t take it off this whole time

“I just like it, I got really attached to it” she said eating when from out of no where my ex girlfriend popped out unannounced

“What are you doing with this girl?” she yelled not knowing why she would get mad at the first place.

“I’m on a date Meg”

“Well you can´t, I forbid you” she said with her spoiled snobby voice which made Ashley go and got me frustrated at the same time.

“Ashley, wait, you don’t have to go”

“No really, I can’t go out with a guy that has issues with his girlfriend” she said not giving me the chance to explain.

Do you know when someone breaks up with you or you break up with them and you feel pretty bad and would do anything to just have an minuet to just talk to them? Well that wasn’t the point  here; my psycho ex girlfriend tracked me down by using the GPA that she put in my phone while I was sleeping a couple of weeks ago (she explained that by the way), So creepy. What did I even see in her to begin with? I mean besides being stupidly hot she was a video game nerd. I met her in my last year of NYUand I really wasn’t thinking about going out with anyone at that time considering the fact that I had an internship at NY mag. I somehow found a way to juggle her and my dream job for four years. See the plan for me was job first then after a couple of years down the road maybe get a wife or something.Thank god I didn’t buy the ring, I was about to propose to her when Bob decided to put his hot dog in her bread. In one way I can honestly say that Bob saved my ass. You cannot marry the first girl you fall in love with from College and expect for everything to go smoothly. So anyways here I am sitting in thisrestaurant scared that my stalker of an ex-girlfriend would do something to me.But surprisingly enough the chicken was pretty tasteful.

“Meg can´t you just go home and talk to Bob or something?” I said enjoying my juicy chicken

“I dumped Bob” she said looking really humiliated

“I’m sorry but that’s not my problem Meg”

“I´m so sorry Ty, please let´s just go back to the way we were”

“You know, I was actually having the most fun I had in weeks tonight and for you to come here and stop it is just hypocritical, I´m sorry you know I love you meg but you chose Bob over me and that’s just something you´re going to have to live with” I said paying for the amazing chicken I couldn’t finish because of Meg.

I left Meg in the restaurant crying and it definitely hurts me, it hurts me to leave someone I loved and cared about for almost five years crying inside a restaurant where the only that’s good is the chicken. I would’ve done anything for her, even though my family and my friends warned me about her I never listened. Damn! I´m gonna get so many “I told you so” from everybody.

Where am I gonna find Ashley now? She´s half way to Brooklyn by now and I´m not risking my life going back to Brooklyn after I got my ass handed to me in a game of basketball.

I decided to walk by the party and see if she is back there but I had to walk the whole way because I didn’t have any cab fair, Shit.

I was half way to the party when I noticed that I was a couple of blocks away from Bob´s apartment (Yes,Bob! Sexy Bob) and it hit me, I never got revenge! so I went up to his apartment and called some other guy I knew that lived in the neighborhood that owed me a favor and trust me, this guy was huge. He owed me a favor back when some donuts were on sail at his favorite donut shop and I bought him a box because he had supposedly “lost his wallet”. anyways I didn’t want him to hurtBob, I just wanted him to scare him enough so that I can catch Bob pissing in his pants on tape.

we Knocked on his door for like five minuets and what was keeping him from opening the damn door. He finally opened,

Bob= what do you want? (How rude, If only he knew what was going to happen to him)

Me= Dude you had sex with my girlfriend

Bob=And?

And just like that I had enough, I send donut dude to scare him with his fake gun and it actually worked, Bob pissed his unusually tight sweatpants and I caught it on video but not when my buddy was scaring him cause you know, police and stuff. I mean he literally pissed his pants.  I laughed my cold ass of as I decided to follow my path towards the party and even got some money form donut dude.

    I went to I decided to go buy some champagne from Target cause I haven’t drank in a while and I needed something to make me forget about my mess of an ex-girlfriend but not Bob, I want to remember Bob´s pissing incident for life!

Where do they even keep theDamn alcohol in here? Damn you target for being so useful but confusing at the same damn tim… and oh here is the alcohol. Okay so I´ve got fifteen bucks and the one I want is ten bucks, cool. I was about to open my bottle before opening it when I saw a little kid around the age seven sitting on the floor looking sad and I decided to walk over and try to help this kid and the whole way towards the kid I started thinking “please be normal and not scary like these cheep Hollywood movies”.

“What´s wrong kiddo?” I asked about to shit my self

“I lost my mommy” the kid says sobbing

“ Let´s go, ill help you” I said not noticing the security guard behind me. I mean what it is with society thinking that all men want to kidnap a child when they see one lost helpless attarget in the alcohol isle? It sounded much worse when I said it out loud.

“Hey you! What are you doing drinking in here?” the security officer said walking fast towards me and boy was it a bad time for the kid to say that he lost his mother in here because if not I would’ve not been obligated to run my way out of Target with a bottle of champagne in my hands.

As I was running my ass off from the security guard I thanked god he wasn’t in shape and he had to stop chasing me after 10 minuets.

I got inside a bar nearby owned by a friend of mine near Target and I explained everything that happened which made her hide me until the security guards stopped searching for me.

“How you holding up Ty, you know about the whole meg thing” she said looking at me like I was loosing it and why won’t she? I had pretty dirty clothes on because of everything that’s happened so far and I had a bottle of champagne on me plus the child offender thing so I understood where she was coming from.

“I´m doing just fine Joe” I said walking out with caution outside of the bar.

It took about twenty minuets for me to get to the party but I did it! Yay.

“Ty man, what the hell happened, you look like crap” Andre said looking at me while making out with this girl on a couch and I knew I was being a third wheel but why not, I deserve to be one.

So I explained everything to him why I look like three cat ladies attacked me and he laughed at me like the dumbass he is but I had the last laugh because I was going to cock-block him,HA Andre, HA!!

“Listen man I´m sorry about everything that happened tonight but maybe you should go home and take a brake from all of this” And maybe he was right, I mean considering everything that happened tonight, just chilling home wouldn’t be a bad idea after all I got aBob pissing on my phone.

“Yeah man I´m going to go home and just chill man” I said to Andre drinking my stolen booze.

“Damn Ty! I wish we could do something about Bob” he said

“It´s funny you said that” I said taking out my phone to show him the video.

it felt a little cruel when everyone at the party started watching the whole thing and there was even a famous youtuber which I don’t recall the name to that put out the video onYouTube with the name “Bob the peeier” which was a bit funny seeing as to how he changed the name “Bob the builder to Bob the peeier”.

I left the party after that not feeling bad yet not feeling well at the same time because on one hand I have Meg´s crying and Ashley´s escape (boo) and on the other I have Bob´s peeing adventure (yay).

I walked the whole way to my house because we´re two idiots with no cars (me and Andre).

I got to my apartment and I just fell flat on my face on my bed and almost started snoring when I heard a knock on my door, “who would be out at this fucking time, I mean it´s freaking3 in the morning” I shouted in my pillow as I pressed it on my face.

I went to the door to answer it and when I look through the  whole I saw a person with a mask which made me freak out! I ran to my closet and get my baseball bat out (as if that’s going to help against any criminal). I openedand what do you know, it was Ashley.

“You know you could try and take off your mask” I said looking pretty terrified opening the door

“Yeah but then my body guards will find me”

“Okay Ashley, you´re pretty hot and funny and smart and all but I can’t disappoint my mom by dating a criminal”

“What? I’m not a criminal idiot!”

“Well what else would you need a mask for?”

“First of all, you have no idea how body guards work do you? And secondly I need them because I get attacked by fans on a daily basis”

“Why would you of all people get attacked by fans?” I asked and man did I swallow my words after she took of her mask. It was Penny Auburn! The pop star! I knew it!

“Oh god” I said not finding the words for what just happened

“It felt good tonight you know, I mean if you knew who I was tonight you would’ve not even passed the words “ oh god” she said mocking me for having my mouth wide open

“How do you even know where I live” I asked looking pretty suspicious

“Come on dude, I´m freakingPenny Auburn”

I’m not going to brag about it but that was how I met a pop star without knowing it and actually made her like me. I guess my night wasn’t shitty after all, I can´t say that about some people though.

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