The person who I want to read this is never going to. But I am going to write it as if it was sent privately to him.
I am going to call you G. Because you don't even deserve to be named by your full name. When I was 8 months you decided to give up on me. The day you moved out there was no turning back. From that day you were going to make every single following day a living hell for your only kid. One of the few things you've accomplished in your life so congrats.
I don't remember much from my childhood because I've tried to suppressed it most of it. I've tried so hard to forget about all those years of abuse. The abuse that you caused.
I remember being 7 years old and watching cartoons with my stepsister, let's call her N, at 8 pm. You were at work and your wife was home but she was sleeping all day. Me and N hadn't eaten lunch and she realized that we should probably eat dinner. We were scared of waking up your wife because she would always scream at us. So N, being 9 years old, started cooking us dinner. Then we went back to watching tv. I remember you wife waking up and asking us why we were still up, at 11 pm. We were still waiting for you to come home because you promised to put us to bed. Your wife went outside to smoke a few cigs and then she went back to bed. You later came home, at 12 am. Put us to bed and the day later I had to go back to my mom's place. This was one of the GOOD weekends at your place.
I remember being 8 and my mom telling me that you would come to pick me up soon so i'd better go pack my bag. So I hurried and then sat in our staircase, staring at the door just waiting to hear a knock on the door. After waiting for what felt like hours my mom sat down next to me and said ''he's not coming''. I said okay. Then I ran to my room and cried and didn't leave that whole night. Do you know how many times that happened? How many times you left me alone in those stairs? My mom has told me now, years later some of the excuses you'd tell her. Your car was set on fire, you were out of gas, your tires didn't work, you forgot. The most obvious and stupid excuses I've ever heard of.
Do I need to remind you of how you treated me when I did see you? You ignored me, you didn't take care of me. You rarely cooked for me and N. N had to cook. She was just a kid. Kids can help. But 10 year old kids are not supposed to cook everyday just so they can get some food in their stomach. We had one, maybe two meals per day. Every saturday when I got back to my mom she'd ask what we had eaten and I'd have to lie. Because I didn't want her to worry and take me away from you. Wanna know why?
Because you were the only one who truly understood me. My dreams. You were a musician once, I dreamed of being one. You were the only one who understood my love for music. You got me my first guitar. You were the only one who actually listened to me sometimes, when I told you about self harm. You didn't judge me, just tried to help. When you had your good moments they were truly incredible. I won't deny that. And I idolized you so much. When people asked who my biggest idol was I'd say my dad. I thought you were the coolest dad in the world, I always bragged about how awesome you were. My friends always asked me why they had never met you or seen you. They though that was weird, because they all saw their dad regularly.
Deep down I've always known that you're not cool, or worthy to brag about. You know what you've put me through. The emotional abuse, all the times you've put me down for trying to be myself. All the times you promised to pick me up just to leave me waiting. The times you told my mom you'd call me so we could talk for a while because we hadn't seen each other for months. You never called, you never showed me you loved me. You were never my father.
There are things you've done to me that I will not write about here. But you know what it is. I will never forgive you. The kid that once idolized and loved you more than anything is long gone. That kid has now realized that you are a creation by satan himself. I hope you're happy.