The person who I want to read this is never going to. But I am going to write it as if it was sent privately to him.

I am going to call you G. Because you don't even deserve to be named by your full name. When I was 8 months you decided to give up on me. The day you moved out there was no turning back. From that day you were going to make every single following day a living hell for your only kid. One of the few things you've accomplished in your life so congrats.

I don't remember much from my childhood because I've tried to suppressed it most of it. I've tried so hard to forget about all those years of abuse. The abuse that you caused.

I remember being 7 years old and watching cartoons with my stepsister, let's call her N, at 8 pm. You were at work and your wife was home but she was sleeping all day. Me and N hadn't eaten lunch and she realized that we should probably eat dinner. We were scared of waking up your wife because she would always scream at us. So N, being 9 years old, started cooking us dinner. Then we went back to watching tv. I remember you wife waking up and asking us why we were still up, at 11 pm. We were still waiting for you to come home because you promised to put us to bed. Your wife went outside to smoke a few cigs and then she went back to bed. You later came home, at 12 am. Put us to bed and the day later I had to go back to my mom's place. This was one of the GOOD weekends at your place.

I remember being 8 and my mom telling me that you would come to pick me up soon so i'd better go pack my bag. So I hurried and then sat in our staircase, staring at the door just waiting to hear a knock on the door. After waiting for what felt like hours my mom sat down next to me and said ''he's not coming''. I said okay. Then I ran to my room and cried and didn't leave that whole night. Do you know how many times that happened? How many times you left me alone in those stairs? My mom has told me now, years later some of the excuses you'd tell her. Your car was set on fire, you were out of gas, your tires didn't work, you forgot. The most obvious and stupid excuses I've ever heard of.

Do I need to remind you of how you treated me when I did see you? You ignored me, you didn't take care of me. You rarely cooked for me and N. N had to cook. She was just a kid. Kids can help. But 10 year old kids are not supposed to cook everyday just so they can get some food in their stomach. We had one, maybe two meals per day. Every saturday when I got back to my mom she'd ask what we had eaten and I'd have to lie. Because I didn't want her to worry and take me away from you. Wanna know why?

Because you were the only one who truly understood me. My dreams. You were a musician once, I dreamed of being one. You were the only one who understood my love for music. You got me my first guitar. You were the only one who actually listened to me sometimes, when I told you about self harm. You didn't judge me, just tried to help. When you had your good moments they were truly incredible. I won't deny that. And I idolized you so much. When people asked who my biggest idol was I'd say my dad. I thought you were the coolest dad in the world, I always bragged about how awesome you were. My friends always asked me why they had never met you or seen you. They though that was weird, because they all saw their dad regularly.

Deep down I've always known that you're not cool, or worthy to brag about. You know what you've put me through. The emotional abuse, all the times you've put me down for trying to be myself. All the times you promised to pick me up just to leave me waiting. The times you told my mom you'd call me so we could talk for a while because we hadn't seen each other for months. You never called, you never showed me you loved me. You were never my father.

There are things you've done to me that I will not write about here. But you know what it is. I will never forgive you. The kid that once idolized and loved you more than anything is long gone. That kid has now realized that you are a creation by satan himself. I hope you're happy.



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Anxiety is something that me and a lot of other people suffer with. Some of you reading this may not know what anxiety is or what a panic attack is. Some of you may suffer from it. But I will try my best to explain what it is and also give a few tips that I was told by my therapist a few years ago.

I've struggled with anxiety since I was around 10 I think and I had my first panic attack when I was 12. The symptoms and reasons for anxiety I'll write about are only from my own experience so I do not speak for everyone who struggles with anxiety. The way it is for me is not the way it is for everyone.

Let's start with some symptoms of anxiety and/or a panic attack. It's different for everyone, so again, this is only from my own personal experience. Chest pain is very common, it's almost feels like someone's is grabbing your heart and lightly crushes it in their hand. Numbness in hands, feet, arms, finding it hard to breathe and a racing heart is also some symptoms that I usually experience. A lot of people get nauseous, their mouth gets really dry and their hands get really sweaty. 

You will not die from a panic attack, it will last for about  5-20 minutes and you are absolutely not alone with feeling this way. Someone once told me that people with anxiety are like those cars on the street whose the car alarm goes off from a little gust of wind unlike all other cars whose car alarm will only go off is someone's smashing the window.


So what can trigger anxiety or a panic attack?

The only time I barely feel anxious at all is when I am home alone. I have better days and I have worse days. On a really bad day I won't leave my house at all. But even on a good day it is hard for me to be out in public. I always feel like everyone are staring at me, judging me and talking about me. People always tell me that it's just me being paranoid but I can't turn off my feelings. Sometimes the feeling of everyone staring at me can get overwhelming and I start having trouble breathing. If I feel like that I know that I have to get out from where I am because I'm about to have a panic attack. Things that can trigger my panic attacks are crowded places, very small places or if I'm the center of attention. But sometimes I can have a panic attack in the middle of the night, for no reason. 


So over the years I've learned a few things that makes life with anxiety a little easier. I'll write them below and hopefully it will help someone. 

1. Get help, talk to a therapist. I know this is so hard to do, because I've done it twice and I'm probably gonna start seeing one again. But it really helps to talk about it to someone and (this takes a long time and a lot of work) but you could eventually overcome your anxiety or at least live a much easier life. 

2. If you ever find it hard to breathe because you're panicking you can ''breathe in a square'' as my past therapist called it. You breathe in for 4 seconds, then you hold your breath for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds and hold your breath for 4 seconds. And just keep breathing like that until you feel like you can breathe normally again.

3. Something that usually helps me calm down a little is to look around me and try to find 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell and 1 thing I can taste. This helps me feel like I'm present and doing this + the breathing exercise can help a lot.

These are some things that have helped me through the years. I know people use medication sometimes but I haven't gotten prescribed any so I haven't tried that yet. 


So last thing I want to write about is what you can do if you are with someone who is having a panic attack. You could do some or all of these things. Just be respectful and don't push them to do things they can't do.

  1. Stay calm (!!!) and be patient.

  2. Give the person a glass or bottle of water.

  3. Sit down next to them, show them that you are still with them.

  4. Ask them to tighten a muscle and then relax (ex. make a fist and then relax the hand) 

  5. Remind them to keep breathing, slowly and preferably through my nose.

  6. Place their own hand on their stomach so they can feel their own breathing.

  7. Try to have a conversation with them, if they can't then just be quiet. Just being there can help a lot.

  8. Ask what they need to change in the environment they are in right now for them to feel safe. And if it's possible to change it, help them do that.

I hope this was helpful for someone. Until next time, stay alive.

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For those who did not know, I am trans. I don't exactly know what gender i identify myself with, and there's really no rush. I don't even have to figure it out. I just know that I'm not cis. So to clear things up, I call myself a boy, I use he/him pronouns. That makes me comfortable. But is trans everything I am?

Absolutely not.

I am trans but I am also a brother, a son, a friend, a student, a book-lover, a music obsessed and songwriting human. That are just some of the things I am. That goes for every single other transperson. We are not just our trans-identity. We are so much more than that.

I also want to talk about this thing that people have started saying a lot lately. ''Being trans in like a trend, everyone's coming out nowadays''. So what I want to say to people who honestly believe that is, why in the world would anyone choose to be trans? I walk out the door every day, scared that people will somehow find out that I'm trans and hurt me in some way. I am sad every minute of every day because I can't be myself, because I don't know how people will react. I have to wait before I'm really close with people until I can come out and tell them what my pronouns really are.

Growing up trans means being so confused all the time. It meant (for me) being around transphobic people all the time and eventually thinking that their mindset and opinions was right. It wasn't until 2015 (when I was 15) that I took the time to google this and I just opened up my mind and also realized that I am trans. It also meant wanting to be a certain way, dress a certain way but not actually being the way you want to because you knew people would judge you.

Of course this is not how it is for every transperson, but it was, and is like that for me. I'm not writing this as a sob-story. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. But I do want to change the way people think and talk about people like me. Because I did not choose to be like this. If I had the choice, I would not have chosen to be trans.

Being trans is not a trend. The reason so many people are coming out as trans, or lgbtq+ in general, is because more people are accepting and supportive. We have a community of people just like us online and that helps a lot. But don't say that we choose this. We don't want to be scared of coming out. We don't want to risk being beat up or killed everytime we leave our house.

I hope this was okay and if you didn't understand this before, I hope you understand it now. If you still don't get it, feel free to email me. Or just google.

With that I'm done for today. Until next time, stay alive.

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I love music. Music is what keeps me going. So instead of just talking about bands or artists that I love that most people know about I wanted to make a list of artists and bands that are not talked about enough and that I think deserve way more attention. I hope you enjoy and check out some (or all) of them.


1. So first let's talk about Michael Schulte. He's a German singer/songwriter that started out posting covers on YouTube and got quite famous. In 2012 he came in 3rd place in ''The Voice of Germany''. His music has kind of a Ed Sheeran vibe to it. The lyrics are beautiful and the melodies are catchy.

Some songs I recommend by Michael: Heard You Crying, Thoughts, The Maze & Dear Doubt.


2. Second artist I'd like to talk about is Bishop Briggs. She's a British singer and she hasn't released that much music yet. Last year, 2015 she performed at a local bar and gained attention from George Robertson, a former A&R representative. After that she released her first single and since then she just keeps releasing new singles.

Some songs I recommend by Bishop: River, Wild Horses & The Way I Do.


3. Third artist, or band actually, that I want to talk about is Bones, you may also know them as Bones (uk) or bonesbandbones. In October of 2014 the band was born (as the members say) in London. Bones co-wrote Jeff Beck's latest album “LOUD HAILER” which they toured the USA with during the summer of 2016. Music by the band has appeared in the tv-shows "Orange is the new black", "Transparent" and a "Victoria Secret" ad. The members of the band are Rosie Bones and Camren Vandenberg.

Some songs I recommend by Bones: Fat, Happy, Pretty Waste, Girls Can't Play Guitar.


4. Fourth artist is Ron Pope. He's one of my favorite artists of all time. His lyrics are so so beautiful and he has a voice of an angel. Ron Pope is an american singer/songwriter who became famous after his song ''A Drop In The Ocean'' became a hit in 2005. The song was featured in the tv-show ''The Vampire Diaries''. He's released 13 albums and don't seem to stop making music anytime soon.

Some songs I recommend by Ron: One Grain Of Sand, Signs, Atlanta, City In Motion.


5. Pvris (pronounced Paris) , they are an american band. The members names are Lyndsey Gunnulfsen (Lynn Gunn), Alex Babinski and Brian MacDonald. Pvris were formed in 2012 under the name ''Operation Guillotine'', they later changed it to ''Paris'' but had to change it once more due to copyright reasons. They released their debut album ''White Noise'' in 2014, and has also released two EP's ''Paris'' in 2013 & ''Acoustic'' in 2014. They are currently working on new music after being on the road for 2 years.

Some songs I recommend by Pvris: Only Love, Let Them In, Fire, Demon Limbs.


6. Last band I want to talk about is Moon Taxi, an American indie/rock band. They have released 6 albums since they formed in 2006. In 2016 they played at festivals like Coachella, Hangout & Forecastle. All their songs are very personal and they say that everytime they release new music they enter a new chapter in their story and share an experience with their fans who listen to the songs.

Some Songs I recommend by Moon Taxi: Red Hot Lights, Rooftops, Radio, Gunflower.


That was my list of some of the artists I wish would get some more attention for their hard work and incredible music. I would love to make a part 2 sometime, so maybe I'll do one in the future. Maybe this wasn't fun to read at all, or maybe it was. Either way I hope you come back to read future posts. If you don't, that's okay too. I wish everyone reading this has an amazing day today, tomorrow and every day after that.

Until next time, stay alive.

Quote of the day: ''One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.'' -Bob Marley


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​Hello!!

This is my first ever blog post and I'm very new to this so I'm sorry if I make mistakes. I have a few ideas for upcoming posts that I'm very excited about and I hope that some of you reading this will stick around to see what's coming in the future. I won't write too much today but I will post something in the next few days. 

With that I hope you all have an amazing day/night and try to stay alive okay?

Quote of the day: ''Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!'' -Dr. Seuss


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