You constantly lash & digress about the heaps of things done wrong to you & how mistreated you were. I relax, ponder, & ingest all your anecdotes, because I know this uproar of yours just contains the means of healing your ego. Honestly, I can’t blame you, but are you really that bitter? All our business that you depict purely for the public is just another indication of a juvenile necessity for attention. They are truly irrelevant, so why should they hear & be involved in what you indirectly have to say about me, before it does in actuality reach me? I understand the hardships of a separation, & I am more than willing to discuss altercations so that perhaps we both can take a more solid step & learn from this, because I will not allow continual shots at me. I have had enough of this. You & I know what’s truly going on, despite all the scenarios you play out in your head or reveal to the public of how shit went down. Behind the bullshit & anger, you know my character & who I am besides what you portray me as. I was misunderstood, but you proclaimed me as what you sought me to be & what you wanted to say I was as an outlet for your anger. You know who I am as an individual, so why publicize something so false to an audience that really does not relate to anything other than the surface you present to them? Trust me when I say that it doesn’t make anything better, & if it’s a lesson you’re trying to prove, it isn’t comprehensive. You misread all the logic & reasoning behind my persona, & you could not understand the reality behind it, so you built your own with intentions of having me suffer from it. Take everything I have ever said or done that you felt insulted by & never bothered to understand as not a reflection of myself, but more so of you.

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I hope you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I don’t know you, & even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

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Whatever made me the way I am left me empty inside & unable to feel. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m sure most people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I fake it all. I fake it very well, & the feelings are never there.

Jeff Lindsay, Darkly Dreaming Dexter


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I just had a thought, a vision - that I had some kind of unplanned collision with the decision for the cause of my rendition. I felt it make an incision in my system telling me that I was a victim of a mission. My reason was confusion, stuck in the grasp of difficult & inescapable conflicts with no solution. Like a protrusion in my brain, insane. Like I’m workin’ for a goal with nothin’ to gain & this virus is spreading with no leisure, caught in amnesia, I can’t even remember my name. I’m under my own construction, mental lockdown & ain’t no way to escape it. Watchin’ out for self-destruction ‘cause the most dangerous state of mind is the one I created.

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​It's been awhile since my last post - I have no excuse. Well, I kind of do. I've been busy with work, but it makes time fly by because work doesn't feel like work to me. It never does. I often sit and think about how lucky I am to be where I am now... to be living the life that I'm experiencing. I live in the heart of Brooklyn. I have a great roommate (that alone is a blessing in itself and you would agree if you've had to live with roommates.) I have my dream job. I have a solid group of friends that I can trust despite the fact that I moved here knowing not a single soul. Most of the time, I don't have the right to complain. It's a silly thing, isn't it? To complain when your life is so good? Of course, everybody has the right to feel what they feel and talk about it. But me... I always seem to stop myself. I don't allow my mind to be consumed in negative thoughts. In a way, I've become emotionless. I've allowed myself to feel only happiness but refuse to feel anything but that. I don't remember the last time I cried or felt sad. I don't remember the last time I was genuinely afraid, worried, or stressed out. I've taught myself to be this way, it's almost as if I've created the perfect person. Or a monster.

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I'm on an airplane on my way back to New York right now. It's 3 a.m. I love overnight flights because they always seem to go by faster, but in retrospect, flying back always feels faster than flying to. I wonder why. 

I needed to fly back for a holiday photoshoot with my company. And although I'm really excited, I can't help but feel all sorts of anxiety. In this moment, I want to vomit. I hear people tell me, "Lisa, I admire your confidence so much! I wish I could be that confident." I always smile and thank them, but what they don't know is what goes on behind the scenes. It can take me hours to post a photo of myself, I put on ten different outfits before choosing the right one, and I exude confidence the most on the days where I feel like nothing. I think it's important to have those days because it allows you to really fall in love with yourself all over again, time after time. There's always something new to fall in love with. Being in front of the camera is very nerve-wrecking for me - it always has been. It's a constant battle every day between what my body and mind tells me. 

One thing I've learned is that when it comes to my fears, I need to face them head on. It's the only way I'll be able to experience life and be happy. Every time I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did something that I was too scared to do, it only gave a good result. Except for that one time I auditioned for the school talent show in 10th grade - now that was a big mistake but it's a funny story to tell now. I began facing my fears and doing instead of thinking in high school, when I ran for vice president of the associated student body. I then took the leap to move away and attend a university that was 5 hours away from home. Thereafter, I eventually took the leap to move to New York. This year is the year that I have faced most of my fears. And I could not be more grateful. When you take a chance and do something that you know you're not comfortable with but you choose to do it anyway because you know deep down inside you really want it despite what society says, you are the strongest person you could ever possibly know. My parents took a chance and moved to a country where they did not speak the general and every decision they made was a risk with an unknown outcome. Go into every situation with this mentality.

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I always have headphones in because I daydream. A lot. This is a habit that began in elementary school with cd players. I will not talk to anyone because I'm often too busy daydreaming of an alternate universe. Today, I am still a dreamer. In a conversation with friends, I often digress from the original subject. Where does my mind go? I have no idea. Probably in higher spheres. Sometimes I really don't know. I am somehow mysterious, that's it. Even my family don't know sometimes, how my mind works. Perhaps it's because I'm introverted, but introverted is the wrong term. I am actually nice and open because it's my nature, but I often seclude myself. Not because I want to, but because I need it. Other people are afraid of being alone but I like it. At least from time to time.

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My ultimate goal is to help better society’s unrealistic standards of beauty. To make it more diverse, more unique, and more authentic. I want young teens who read fashion magazines to feel beautiful because they see a reflection of themselves in the models that they see. I want them to feel good about themselves as they flip that very last page of a magazine... to feel like they can be exactly who they want to be and they are in control of their own happiness. Beauty is everywhere and it is in everything. It completely surrounds us. To see models in their rawest form — bruises, freckles, birthmarks. No editing done to alter their bodies or faces. That's how it should be.

"Who defines us? Who tells us if we are perfect or not? I say: Nobody! Nobody knows how you feel... They might assume, but they don't know! Nobody knows what perfect is, because there is no perfection in this world. If they say there is, they don't tell the truth!" ― Yuliya Suleymanova

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i can't stress this enough — a degree, no matter in what or from where, is not by any means an all encompassing measure of intelligence. yes, i have a college degree and yes, higher education is a beautiful thing. i encourage everyone to pursue it. however, it is not a measurement of how smart or intelligent you are or can be. an abundance of intelligent people have never gone to college whether it be they never got the chance or chose not to. while a bachelor's, master's, or phd is respectable in different ways, it does not add more value to you as a human being.

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The Paradoxical Commandments: If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

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