Today, I lay in bed and think about the power of the unexpected. Perhaps great expectations are out to doom us.
I reflect on who I am as a lover and I can't say that I have made the best decisions for myself in the past. What defines one as a good girlfriend or boyfriend? People prefer different attributes, it is all relative to everyone. I can't blame myself for what I did or did not to keep someone around. The truth is, I have been single my entire life because of many reasons but the most important one is that I do not showcase what I am looking for too well. In the beginning, I wanted to gain as much experience as possible. I didn't have one particular thing I was looking for, I just did not care. We all have our moments where we want to be free. This moment began in autumn of 2014. The first person I ever kissed, went on a date with, or I allowed to touch me did not break my heart (I say this because I was not in love) but he killed a part of me in the way innocence is killed in a child. In the way one's dream is bursted. But despite everything, there is a strange and abnormal satisfaction with loving someone you can not get or do not fit well with for some people. You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Everyone wants to feel loved, and my theory is that all those strong feelings like love, hate, and sadness is the key to it. Why do you get 'addicted to a certain kind of sadness' or why do you 'love the way they lie'?
I am not this person. And for a long time, I believed I was too hard to love. This theory still remains true because I have yet to be loved or fall in love with anyone. This, I don't mind. I am entirely content! Though curiosity makes my mind wander often. Curiosity can get the best and the worst of people sometimes. For an example, why is everyone so curious about each other's sex lives? Are they a virgin? How many sex partners have they had? When did they lose their virginity? Why do people care so much about things like that, I will never know. Sex is not taboo, but it is also something that is very personal for some. I would consider myself one of these people, though love bites often make it hard to hide. Territory marked. These are always unexpected - it happens in the moment and you don't realize it until you wake up the next morning.
Now, no expectations is key.