I have always been advocating how important it is to be open with your feelings. When I say being open- I am not talking about letting the whole world know, but at least the people close to you. If you keep quiet about what you are going through, then you are indirectly building up the stigma that is surrounding mental health. We are living in a social media age where each and everyone of us is choosing what we share online, and most of is a text or pictures portraying the "perfect life".
Let me tell you, the perfect life does not exist. My life is not nearly perfect, and has never been. I have been bullied, an outsider, depressed, self-conscious and lonely for years. My first teenage years I barely remember- what I do remember are bleak memories of walking home from school pretty much every day, after having just arrived, looking myself in the mirror, and started crying because I felt ugly. I remember having scheduled meetings with the school nurse and the teachers to talk about what I was going through. I remember waking up three hours before school to put on loads of make up and hair extensions to feel somewhat happy with myself. I remember being told I was fat and disgusting. These memories are incredibly painful, to a point where I cannot describe the way it makes me feel thinking about them. I was depressed for years without even knowing. I thought that feeling like I did was normal, and that I was the only one.
Starting high school was a period of transition, and my third and last year I was feeling that I was getting back to my old self. The Moa I used to be before I hit 13. I thought going to Brighton would make me life even better for me. You know, a new start, a new beginning. But it did not. I was expecting everything to be perfect, because since social media had its boom, that is what you are being fed with constantly. I was struggling and it is almost like my teenage years repeat themselves. This time though, it felt like there was no end to it. I almost got used to waking up with anxiety everyday, going to college without having eaten anything, going back home, sleeping, reading positive quotes trying to make myself feel better, going down to the beach talking on the phone to think about something else for a moment.
Having it said makes it easier to move on. I am getting better and stronger each day, and I look back and barely recognise the person I was during this moment in time. It pains me, however, to listen to other people going through similar things. I know what it is like feeling worthless and hopeless and like there is no end to the suffering. I do not wish that upon my enemy. One of my biggest problems is that I am empathetic. It is a great quality to have but it means that I always get involved in other people's problems, because, somehow, I can always relate. I want everyone to be happy, and talking to someone close to you can sometimes ease what you are going through. I do not know where I would be today if it was not for my family and friends. That is why it is important to let at least somebody know what you are going through, because truth is, most of us just want to help. ❤