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That is a quote that has really stuck to my brain lately. I don't know if it is supposed to have a positive or negative meaning, but to me it is certainly negative. It is almost pressuring me to do everything right from the start and not having any regrets.

To me the quote is saying that I only have one life, and that I need to make it as perfect as I can. Then I think about how I, in the past, let people hurt me continuously, how I let my anxiety control me, why I didn't continue studying in Brighton, why I went to Madrid, and why I'm back in London with an unqualified job- why I didn't think through my choices before I put myself in situations that are hard to get out of.

I had the opportunity to get a university degree, but because of bad experiences in Brighton- experiences that didn't really have to do with the college or Brighton itself, I decided to take a break from studying. And now I am here in London with a house contract, with a job contract, wanting to finish my studies and get a qualified, well-paid job and settle somewhere. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, my only life, and it is scary to me. All I know is that this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

From now on, I will think through everything I do thoroughly and not be too spontaneous about what I do *cough* Madrid. I am overly ambitious and way too impulsive for my own good, and it is starting to get to me- the 20 year old has hit her first life crisis. ✌🏼


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A couple of days ago I decided to go to Brighton this weekend. I left this city 8 months ago and I haven't been back ever since. I have a special relationship with Brighton - when I was here I was struggling a lot with, well, everything. I was depressed and anxious most of the time and I was just not myself. I used to feel extremely hopeless and I wasn't too fond of the city for obvious reasons. When I left I was leaving all my problems behind without having necessarily dealt with them, so to come back was quite scary but also exciting, because I am not the person I was when I left, now.

The train took forever it felt like. I was repeating everything that had went wrong for me in Brighton on the way there, and I was having second thoughts, which is normal though and I'm not blaming myself.

Finally I made it there and I felt so excited. I never thought I would come back but there I was feeling happy and almost at peace because after all Brighton is my second home. I spent almost a year here and I know the city inside out.

The weather was not too great, and the first thing I noticed is how much more the weather affects me in a small town. Grey weather in London is not too big of a deal because there is always something to do regardless of the weather, but Brighton is tiny compared to London and if you want to go somewhere, the transport is not the same either - buses every 30 minutes instead of the tube every 2 minutes. But you have to compromise in life don't you 🤷🏼♀️ Brighton has its charm as well, it just took me almost a year away from it to realise.

Me and my friend went down to the pier, as I always liked the beach the most in Brighton. It was super windy and the waves were huge. We also spotted a guy swimming, whilst I was almost getting frostbite from just being outside. Brighton is full of interesting people.

I was walking on streets and in places I had spent so much time. Places full of anxiety and bad memories. But I feel like, today, I took a huge step in my life. Facing and going back to the place that I have hated so badly and never wanting to have anything to do with again.

We continued our walk to Hove, which is the part of Brighton where I actually lived and went to college. I walked past my old neighbourhood, my old house, and all the places I went to on a daily bases and that was somewhat healing? Knowing and feeling that I have changed and that I am much stronger, happier and more care free than I used to be. I came back today as a new person, and I saw Brighton from a new perspective.

Right now I am on the train back to London and I feel quite emotional. I needed to come here in order to move on with my life, and today I made a definite ending to this negative chapter of my life. But most of all I am just proud of myself for doing this and it has been quite overwhelming walking down memory lane. I am finally on good terms with Brighton. I would not want to live here again though, I like London, but that's another story! 😅

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I have changed DRASTICALLY this past year.

I used to be so scared of everything, scared of meeting new people, scared of going places and scared of trying new things. I was scared of being alone and going through things on my own. I was always relying on the fact that everything would turn out okay, I was not really being responsible for my life and everything that was going on. I cared so much about what others thought of me, to the point where I would change myself to please someone else and I let others control me and my life.

Coming to London, all of these things feel so distant. I think my year in Brighton was exactly what I needed to grow up. In many ways Brighton was a horrible experience, but with hindsight, a very much needed one. I came here thinking that this would be my new start, and so far it has been just that. I love the direction my life is heading in and I am finally turning into someone I am happy being.

I just know that London is going to be great ☺️

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I have a special relationship with London and I don't know how to describe it. I love England and especially London, but sometimes I am asking myself what I'm doing here. I guess that's normal, being in a slump and reflecting on your life and your choices.

I think where many people, including me, are wrong, is that we expect everything to be perfect and to go smoothly. It doesn't, and learning the hard way is often the best way. London especially is a very expensive city, and the amount you pay for a room, is often what you would pay for an apartment in Sweden. Transport is expensive, and the salaries are low. But that's where you have to compromise, nothing in life is perfect. I chose to come here and therefor I need to accept these conditions and make the best out of the situation. This is not a vacation, this is my life and of course there are going to be problems along the way.

Anyways, coming here is something I have wanted for years, and here I am! Going into central London makes me realise why I know coming here was the best thing I could have ever done - not only for the experience itself but mainly because of the personal development that comes with it. Which is quite an expensive one to be honest. 😁

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Yesterday marked one week since I arrived to London. The first day was quite tough - a lot of different emotions and I was super tired and stressed. When I moved to Brighton and Madrid I had everything sorted before I went because I was studying, but this time I only had myself and my luggage and nothing else. Also, I was so used to speaking Spanish so I accidentally replied to people in Spanish.. 🙅

I had planned to stay in a hostel for the first few weeks until I found a room to rent that was my own, but the first night was horrible and I did not sleep anything. The room smelt of weed and the guys were talking about how much a "nice lady" costs per hour. I got up at 5 am and thought, I have to do something. In panic I booked viewings on a few rooms and off I went.

I was welcomed with classic British weather ❤

I basically spent the whole day on the tube it felt like, but I found a room in East London that will do for now. I moved in the same day so it was a very quick affair, and I was so relieved to be able to sleep. Other than that, I have been going in to Central London to sort out the usual - SIM-card, bank account, oyster, deposit, rent etc etc. I am not sure I had quite realised how expensive living in London actually is. I also spent a day buying things for my room, such as a duvet, pillows, blankets and Primark has everything, and it is really cheap as well! 😁

It has been raining since I landed basically, but I have always loved walking around and exploring places, so I have been fighting the rain along with my camera, so here are a few pictures of what I have been up to!

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