Wake me up. Wake me up when everything is over. Wake me up when I will no longer feel this way. Just please let me sleep. Please let me be. Please help me take the pain away - take all of it. Take me somewhere else. Somewhere I can be happy again, somewhere I will no longer suffer. - 2016

I'm writing this to every insecure and hurt girl out there. Even to the girls with their rage, hiding your true feelings with aggressions. I know what you've been through, I know what you're going through - because that's where I am now. I am lost. I am hurt. I am angry. I am so frustrated - I don't understand how you can do this to someone. You don't understand that within that horrible moment, you destroyed my life. You don't understand how i've been, you don't understand how mentally ill i've becomen after this. YOU don't understand. Because you are disgusting, you are sick, you are a insecure little boy who couldn't take my NO for an answer. I lost everything that night. Including myself. I left my hope, my happiness and I also lost my motivation to everything. After understanding what happened, I screamed. I cried. THIS has been the worst months of my entire life. I've never been so weak. I've never felt so disgusting before. I was full of hateress. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. You broke my heart, you destroyed my life. I remember those awful hours in school, counting every single second and just begging for it to be over. I was banging my head against the wall hoping it would take the thoughts away. I was taking pills to fall asleep. I was waking up at 2-3 at night, every night with the feeling of puking from the thought of your hands on me. I remember being so scared. And so lonely. Everything was itching underneath my skin. I wanted to scream, so loud, i wanted to cry, and I know I didn't want to wake up. I remember how I was pressured to tell all the psychologists what happened. I remember how they told me that they wanted to help me. With a bump in my throat hurting from stopping myself to cry i finally told someone. But it didn't feel any better. I just felt the pain even more. I tried compeling myself that it didn't happen. That it was all just a dream. I really tried handling this on my own. Until I started doing nothing in school. I remember being so depressed couldn't concentrate. And I remember all the panic attacks i had. All I could think of was that awful night and how it still haunts me. I was feeling dead inside. I understood i couldn't do this. I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to disappear. I felt like the worst person ever. I was asking myself all the time - why cant you just be happy? Why cant you just forget about all of this? As i was hitting myself in the head. I remember being so god damn sick of it. I started to gather aggression towards him. wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I want him to go through all the shit I went through. I want him to go to as many appointments as I did. And talk about it. Over and over again. I remember how I wanted to punch him, kill him and at the same time never see him again. I wanted him to tell everyone what he did. But I knew he would never do that. I knew he would turn all this around, back to me. I knew he would blame me. And I knew what people would say. THINGS that weren't RELEVANTE. I got so fucking sick of it. I finally started talking to the doctors, after visiting them for tests and appointments every week I started feeling better opening up. Talking more and more about it made it more natural. It started being natural to me. Like something I was used to. This was me now you know. Was it going to label me as that girl? Or would it eventually fall out in the sand, but when? Would I face him again? What would I do? I still have so many questions and so many fears. But talking about this to my psychologist made me feel a lot better, I had to work with myself everyday. And I still have to,

Actually, I felt sad for him. Because I know that if someone does this to another person,it has to be sick in someway. But I want you to know, how you fucking broke me. I want you to know that I lost myself so deep this time I still haven't found myself. I want you to know all the stares I got because of you. I want you to fucking know how I've felt after a stupid decision of yours. I lost so many friends, friends I've known for so many years. I remember hearing friends I've known for years saying they didn't believe me. I remember how I stayed home because I couldn't take it anymore. I remember crying myself to bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And yet, there are still people talking, saying i lie. Saying it's bullshit. About me, and to me. And today, here I AM, trying so hard to not fall back to this againg, trying SO hard to fix my grades that sank because of you. And here I am, still with the people calling me disgusting and a liar in my head. But this, you didn't know. Because you thought it was okay. And something to solve, and you still do. BUT you CAN'T fix this. I CAN'T fix this. No one can. So I beg you, please don't ruin a girl like you ruined me. And to everyone I know reading this, I want to thank my friends, my mom and my sister for supporting me. And to everyone else still speculating over this, still talking about this, please stop. I know this won't stop you - but I want you to think of what you say in front of someone who has ever been sexually assaulted. I want you to think of that, I want you to think about what you're friend actually are. And I don't, and will never in my life understand how you still today, want's to be his friend. How you can stand by someone we call rapist. I guess that says the most about you.

I really wish I could have a happy ending to this. I wish I could say everything is better today. But I can't. This will be with you forever, you just have to keep staying strong and learnig how to manage it. I am still working on this, on myself. And it's hard. It really is. For everyday I try to forget it, but I know it won't help. It will always come back. But all I have to do now is not loose myself again. And most of all I want to thank my family and my closest friends for supporting me. 

Thank you for taking your time.

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So the thought about writing down my thoughts just slipped through my mind for a split second. The reason why I want to share this with you guys is because this is something very important to me. I may have the mind of a 15 years old girl (well maybe because i am a 15 years old girl) but I still want to share this. A disclaimer; I am NOT posting this to manipulate other peoples thoughts or to change anyone's opinion, i was thinking and hoping that i could maybe change some of you who's reading this point of view. Sometimes it is very important to see things from other's perspectives, not only yours. But how would I know right? How could i possibly be smart? Wait did you just claim that you're smart? That you are beyond the average? Or wait, do you think you're better than us? Hold up, let me ask you something. Would that be so bad? After all, some of us are smarter than the other of us in some sort of way. Right? Could it be so hard to cherish each other instead of always pulling each other down? I know by self experience that the reason behind all of this is jealousy. That is one disgusting word right there, yet it's fun to say (sorry off track), there shouldn't be such as jealousy in this world. But there will always be. Let me tell you something that i should remind myself more often about: you have something that that person over there, doesn't have. In fact, this doesn't matter either it's a person or not, a company or a dress.You will always be sitting on the other side with the thought about the boy she got that you didn't. Was it because she had that unforgettable smile? Or maybe those straight shiny teeth? I hate her ugh. Ridiculous right? And then she will be sitting over there with the boy she loves and is lucky to have, but yet she's not happy because guess why? She is not as lucky as you are who get to spend time with your dad, which she never gets. Oh and don't forget about that endlessly long hair you got and she was lucky enough to even born with hair on her head. Even though this wasn't fair enough to compare (i admit) i still want to get to my point : and that is that you will never be happy with what you've got if you keep being unhappy with what you haven't got. I am not blaming you guys for wanting more, because the feeling when you get hold of it, you will be asking for more of or from it. It could be love, it could be something material, money or the hold of your baby that you've been carrying for months. Another topic; i know nothing about love, except for the cliches that i've read in books, or the little love that i have experienced. But i know how it feels to need someone, so much that it actually hurts. You need the warmth from it, the smell and the closeness from that one person. This will make some people sick, some even choke on my words. And i wont stop you or judge you. I am not one of those who thinks that love can only be found between one person and another. Love is so much bigger than that. You DON'T need that person to be strong, be strong on your own. Find something that you can never lose. ​But never is an awfully long time. ​But its only up to you when its time to let go. You can't hold on to someone or something forever. ​That is when we are starting to talk about an endlessly long time. 

Have you ever found something, someone or somewhere that draws you to it? Can it be a person, or a country or a highly fashioned store? And the feeling when you get it, is oddly satisfying. But when you can't get hold of that person forever, or when you can't stay in that country forever, or when you don't have the money to buy this wonderful expensive bag: that's when you know its reality. And sometimes reality hits you hard, in the stomach. But we HAVE to start getting used to it, that this is how we live. This is how life works. We can't always get what we want. And that's when we eventually get over it and find something else to obsess over. Or you can either work for it. Fight for what you want. My point is that we have to accept and handle denying, and no's, and not think that the world is going under because you didn't get that ONE bag. Or that one guy who didn't want you back.

I honestly don't know what I am talking about now. Time for sleep. I want to thank everyone who took their time to read all this nonsense. And i have so much more to share, about so many different things. Please let me know if you would continue reading and if you have any opinions about what I just wrote. 





Marmaris, Resa, YouTube

Hejsan hejsan! Nu var det inte längesen jag kom hem från Turkiet. Har haft det underbart. Vädret var lite tråkigt i början, det blåste mycket. Det gjorde absolut inget för vi hade super kul ändå! Mycket äventyr och natur. Dom 3-4 sista dagarna fick vi ändå massvis med sol. Vädret ändrades såå fort & det blev som sommar helt plötsligt! Men nu är jag hemma och skolan är igång igen. För er som missat min vlogg medans jag vad där kan klicka in på min youtube kanal som står nere i det tidigare inlägget. Hoppas ni har haft ett as nice lov, det har jag definitivt. Längtar till sommaren mer än allt just nu. Det är så regnigt och tråkigt i Sverige, förstår inte ens vad jag gör här? Hur som helst, ska komma igång lite mer med mina videos innan det blir alldeles för mycket jobb i skolan. Puss



YouTube, All in one

Hej allihopa! Det var längesen, hoppas ni haft det superbra till er som fortfarande läser min blogg :p Hur som helst, som ni ser i rubriken så har jag skapat en youtube kanal som ni kan klicka er in på här! Jag kommer för det mesta att ladda upp gameplays och spelrelaterade videos men ska försöka att variera också. Det kommer absolut finnas vloggar och lite annat. Ni får jätte jättegärna komma med förslag på videos och glöm inte att PRENUMERERA! Jag har även skapat en kanal tillsammans med mina kompisar som ni också kan kika in här! Kram på er.



All in one , Marmaris

​Om det bara kunde bli sommar någon gång!? Den här vintern varar ju för evigt. Längtar mer än allt till sommaren, tror det kommer bli den bästa på länge. Det är inte helt hundra ännu men vi planerar att bila från Sverige till Turkiet, jag har gjort det förut när jag var yngre men det är inte mycket jag kommer ihåg från det. Det kommer bli helt amazing!! Vi ska stanna i Italien, Frankrike och Österrike bland annat & tänk er vad sick det kommer bli?! Nu gäller det bara att överleva månaderna fram till sommarn, det är ju inte vinter för evigt i alla fall. Kram 



All in one

Hej allesammans! Jag tänkte svara på några frågor så att ni kanske lär känna mig lite mer.

1. Är du i ett förhållande? 

Nej jag är inte i ett förhållande.

2. Vem vet mest om dig? 

Bortsett från mig själv skulle jag nog säga min syster.

3. Vad gör du på fredagskvällar? 

Jag brukar umgås med mina kompisar, plugga eller mysa hemma med familjen.

4. Vad är dina planer för framtiden? 

Plugga i USA & resa mycket.

5. Vad vill du jobba med när du blir stor?

Har ingen aning ännu. 

6. Vad är ditt ursprung? 

Jag är från Turkiet och Sverige.

7. Tittar du på några serier? Vilka?

Jag tittar på The Vampire Diaries, Suits, White Collar Och Awkward just nu. 

8. Har du några piercingar och tatueringar? 


9. Vad är det bästa du vet?

Att äta, träna ibland hehe och åka utomlands!! Finns ju en miljon grejer jag tycker är bäst men kommer bara på dem här just nu. 

10. Tränar du? 

Si, jag går i fotboll & gymmar (så ofta jag kan). 

11. Vad tycker du är viktigast i ett förhållande eller i en relation med dina kompisar? 


12. Vad är din favorit låt just nu?

Love yourself med Justin Bieber. 

13. Vilket land besökte du senast? 


Så det var alla frågor för den här gången. Har ni några fler får ni gärna fråga dom på min instagram (@tuncmelissa) eller i kommentarerna. Kram!



Hej hej! Det var längesen jag höll på med bloggandet. Med tanke på omständigheterna så slutade jag. Tänkte börja nu och sen får vi se om jag fortsätter. Jag har tidigare bloggat lite från och till men blev sugen och har funderat ett tag på att börja igen. Tänker inte berätta så mycket om mig själv men för att lära känna mig och se vad jag gör på vardagen får ni jätte gärna följa mig på instagram @tuncmelissa. Vi hörs!