Wake me up. Wake me up when everything is over. Wake me up when I will no longer feel this way. Just please let me sleep. Please let me be. Please help me take the pain away - take all of it. Take me somewhere else. Somewhere I can be happy again, somewhere I will no longer suffer. - 2016
I'm writing this to every insecure and hurt girl out there. Even to the girls with their rage, hiding your true feelings with aggressions. I know what you've been through, I know what you're going through - because that's where I am now. I am lost. I am hurt. I am angry. I am so frustrated - I don't understand how you can do this to someone. You don't understand that within that horrible moment, you destroyed my life. You don't understand how i've been, you don't understand how mentally ill i've becomen after this. YOU don't understand. Because you are disgusting, you are sick, you are a insecure little boy who couldn't take my NO for an answer. I lost everything that night. Including myself. I left my hope, my happiness and I also lost my motivation to everything. After understanding what happened, I screamed. I cried. THIS has been the worst months of my entire life. I've never been so weak. I've never felt so disgusting before. I was full of hateress. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. You broke my heart, you destroyed my life. I remember those awful hours in school, counting every single second and just begging for it to be over. I was banging my head against the wall hoping it would take the thoughts away. I was taking pills to fall asleep. I was waking up at 2-3 at night, every night with the feeling of puking from the thought of your hands on me. I remember being so scared. And so lonely. Everything was itching underneath my skin. I wanted to scream, so loud, i wanted to cry, and I know I didn't want to wake up. I remember how I was pressured to tell all the psychologists what happened. I remember how they told me that they wanted to help me. With a bump in my throat hurting from stopping myself to cry i finally told someone. But it didn't feel any better. I just felt the pain even more. I tried compeling myself that it didn't happen. That it was all just a dream. I really tried handling this on my own. Until I started doing nothing in school. I remember being so depressed couldn't concentrate. And I remember all the panic attacks i had. All I could think of was that awful night and how it still haunts me. I was feeling dead inside. I understood i couldn't do this. I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to disappear. I felt like the worst person ever. I was asking myself all the time - why cant you just be happy? Why cant you just forget about all of this? As i was hitting myself in the head. I remember being so god damn sick of it. I started to gather aggression towards him. wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I want him to go through all the shit I went through. I want him to go to as many appointments as I did. And talk about it. Over and over again. I remember how I wanted to punch him, kill him and at the same time never see him again. I wanted him to tell everyone what he did. But I knew he would never do that. I knew he would turn all this around, back to me. I knew he would blame me. And I knew what people would say. THINGS that weren't RELEVANTE. I got so fucking sick of it. I finally started talking to the doctors, after visiting them for tests and appointments every week I started feeling better opening up. Talking more and more about it made it more natural. It started being natural to me. Like something I was used to. This was me now you know. Was it going to label me as that girl? Or would it eventually fall out in the sand, but when? Would I face him again? What would I do? I still have so many questions and so many fears. But talking about this to my psychologist made me feel a lot better, I had to work with myself everyday. And I still have to,
Actually, I felt sad for him. Because I know that if someone does this to another person,it has to be sick in someway. But I want you to know, how you fucking broke me. I want you to know that I lost myself so deep this time I still haven't found myself. I want you to know all the stares I got because of you. I want you to fucking know how I've felt after a stupid decision of yours. I lost so many friends, friends I've known for so many years. I remember hearing friends I've known for years saying they didn't believe me. I remember how I stayed home because I couldn't take it anymore. I remember crying myself to bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And yet, there are still people talking, saying i lie. Saying it's bullshit. About me, and to me. And today, here I AM, trying so hard to not fall back to this againg, trying SO hard to fix my grades that sank because of you. And here I am, still with the people calling me disgusting and a liar in my head. But this, you didn't know. Because you thought it was okay. And something to solve, and you still do. BUT you CAN'T fix this. I CAN'T fix this. No one can. So I beg you, please don't ruin a girl like you ruined me. And to everyone I know reading this, I want to thank my friends, my mom and my sister for supporting me. And to everyone else still speculating over this, still talking about this, please stop. I know this won't stop you - but I want you to think of what you say in front of someone who has ever been sexually assaulted. I want you to think of that, I want you to think about what you're friend actually are. And I don't, and will never in my life understand how you still today, want's to be his friend. How you can stand by someone we call rapist. I guess that says the most about you.
I really wish I could have a happy ending to this. I wish I could say everything is better today. But I can't. This will be with you forever, you just have to keep staying strong and learnig how to manage it. I am still working on this, on myself. And it's hard. It really is. For everyday I try to forget it, but I know it won't help. It will always come back. But all I have to do now is not loose myself again. And most of all I want to thank my family and my closest friends for supporting me.
Thank you for taking your time.