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"Our past is the answer to difficult situations that we use in the present if we end up in the same or a similar position. The answers are there to prevent mistakes being repeated in the future." ~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

Now I am there again, feeling hunted by something that does not exist anymore. But I know how bad things was, how good things are now and how bright my future is. I do not let the past define me - I let the present shape me for the future. I am a thick skinned woman with a lot of goals and dreams, I have not and will not let negativity take them away from me.

We all feel that our past is catching up on us, but why beat ourselves with it? We all have been trough life's many trails. We all have skeletons in the closet - big or small. We should be proud of making it through the crap instead of blaming for not preventing it. I am proud and I use this knowledge to prevent it to happen again.

When people hear about deep and heartbreaking stories they often tend to be uncomfortable. "This person is fragile, unstable and sad" but I think that the case with people who gone through a lot are: not fragile, they are strong, not unstable, they do not need more drama in life and not sad either, they enjoy life more because they do not take happiness for granted.

So learn from the past and use the present to shape your future. Now it is a new year with many new chances. Take the opportunity, do not hesitate on or procrastinate your dreams, live them and be happy - with the present you and exited for the future you

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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I do not play games. I will tell you it to your face. I know what I want. I know what I need.
If you are not up to it, I will leave.

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I was blessed to have the opportunity to travel to Switzerland. To have a taste of the amazing and crazy city Lausanne. Great news: I will be back shortly! So excited and watch out - Locita and the Queen will be back. #thelmaandlouise

Lausanne has a population (as of October 2015) of 141 659 making it the fourth largest city in Switzerland.

I am totally in love with this place! The environment is gorgeous - a mixture between San Fransico's long and steep roads, the European atmosphere, the cathedrals and the modern architecture and street art.
The nightlife are extended with hours and the clubs are nothing like here in Sweden. They do not perform any over played radio song, there is legit DJ's who make everyone dance. And the thing that makes me love Lausanne the most - the crazy and hilarious people! I feel I belong with them because almost everyone here in Sweden have double standards about being crazy. Everyone is but no one admit to it. Some facts about Sweds:

In Sweden it is important to be on time. If you have decided to meet a person at 14.00 - then that person expect you will come at 14.00.

When we have nothing to talk about, we start talking about the weather. "Yes, it was a little gray today!".

We are passive aggressive - get angry, make weird sounds but we never starts a brawl. And when it gets heated we will leave.

"Right needs to be right " - the mindset that we have always with us. Regardless of whether it is small or big issues. And also Swedish people always want to come to an agreement even if it is that you do not agree.

If there is no queue - then we make sure we create one. And if you "penetrate" the line we will use the bitch look.

We do not like close encounters. So to sit beside someone on the bus when there is a vacant seat behind, it is stupid and unthinkable. You do not want to be classed as a weirdo.

I just want to say that I feel home in Lausanne and big thanks and love to you who made me comfortable under my visit!

A new, talented and very good friend that I look forward to seeing, over a cup of tea with a shot (and yes you heard right!) on my next visit is Jojo!

Go and look at her beautiful poetry; Nana Coupeau

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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I know what you have been feeling. Do you know I have felt it too? I know what you have been thinking. Because I think a lot like you. And all the fights you are fighting. Do you know I have fought them too? All the tears you have been hiding, I have cried a few.

The dreams you are dreaming, I dream them too. Let me know when we are leaving because I want to go there with you.  And when you shut me out or when you turn your back. I know your reasons and I can handle that. I said I will be your ally. Whatever you say, when you shut me out - I am going to be there anyway.

I know that you have been acting because I have played someone too.  I am always adapting to the picture of you. I keep on dreaming because I dream big too.

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To you if you have or knows someone who has depression.

I wrote this letter because it was easier for me to explain everything in letters than spoken words. This letter is not the describing how it is today but it describes how it was living in a depression.

"I want the day to come when the best thing I know is to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast and go to school. The day when I do not look at myself in the mirror feeling disgusted, disappointed and lost. The day when I have the strength to do more tan two or three chores. The day when I can work with what I want, finish an education and develop ideas and projects. I do not want to be a victim of this endless depression anymore. Because it feels like it even though I do not want to define me as one.

It is very hard for others to understand. One of the days the depression can almost be unnoticeable like a water drop. The next day it can feel like the whole ocean. Those days I want to bury myself with the hope that the sun will make the depression to evaporate. The darkest days are the worst, I do not exist on those days, I an here but so far away. I am an empty shell with out any type of feelings. No frustration, happiness, sorrow, excitement or sadness. There is nothing, it is like floating around in space, in the silence. And then the anxiety comes which is not only psychological but also physical. It takes over my body in a very paralyzed way, it switches between: an aching pain till a numbing sensation. I feel empty then I want to explode because my mind goes on high speed. The anxiety over yesterday, and what happened 3 years ago, and 4 months ago, and 7 years ago and then over what happened an hour ago. Anxiety is a time machine which can not be stopped.

Nobody really understands how hard it is to get out of the bed in the morning, because they can and I can not. The anxiety, self hatred and the fear of failure holds me hostage in my own room and mind. Everything that is simple becomes so hard to do and it is easier to not do it. Not make a phone call, clean the room, the homework, to hangout with friends, to eat or to shower you only lay in bed. They ask me 'where does it come from?' My answer: 'I do not know' but what I know is that I do not have any energy to do anything. I do not have the motivation I need and I have a hard time to begin things.

I make plans for activities and goals which I then can not fulfill. I let friends, family, teachers, authorities and strangers down. But the one I let down the most is myself. I can not stop it, I do it over and over again. I wished it was different maybe then I would feel a little better. Because when I see people around me succeed, even though those who has all odds against them, I always ask myself: 'Am I the only one who allows myself to fail?' It almost feels like I unconsciously enjoys to consciously torment myself with my failures. My whole life has been about negative events, people and situations. It has to end!

And then the lack of sleep comes. The one who has the ability to make the night sky and the silence to a deep feeling of worry. That is the time when I count all the expectations I have on me, every mistake and wrongs I have done. Stress myself over the things I did not do that day and all the things I need to do. As mentioned before the time machine has its place here, the moment when I have put myself to bed and decided to try to sleep for a couple of hours. But I do not fall asleep directly, I get a few hours and then up at lunch to do nothing. For disconnect with the reality I watch TV series , change the main character with myself, then I am someone, when I have a normal life. The freedom to not deal with the fact that I am lonely and sick. I am not done yet! Then we have the feeling of extreme weakness. It makes you feel worthless, not capable to do anything and in the way of everyone. The lack of sleep give ls me severe psychological and physical symptoms that makes it hard to stay awake. As: pain in my whole body, an exhausted mind, nausea visits a lot, headaches and anxious feelings. There is no other option then go to bed. While I sleep I can stay asleep for up to 12 hours, a comfortable escape from reality to the land of dreams. There am I happy, have a successful life in all aspects of what that means, and I enjoy things other people enjoys. But that has also changed, no I do not sleep well and I dream nightmares. So sleep is not my happy zone anymore when the nightmares are coming more often.

My happiness is an act, I wear a mask that hides my permanent sadness and my depression. My happiness comes and goes because it is not here to stay. I can be happy with friends and family, it make me feel better and cured for the moment. But as soon as I leave and are alone again the depression comes back and I get sick again. But when I explain that this is my life and I have been fighting my depression for soon 8 years, they do not believe me. Because I know how to hide - I have done it for many years. I am still hear because of the little hope deep in my soul that make me try and fight harder.

I am afraid of dying but I am also afraid of living. I feel alone with no idea or clue about tomorrow or the future. Will I be fine or worse? Every day I do not talk with my friends makes me feel more hopeless and heavy. I miss my friends I have, the happy moments I have experienced and that I could reasonably decide over my sadness.

I want to be open and honest, that is how it always been. But I do not want to be seen as a victim or as a half insane person. That is why I do not talk about how I really feel, my past, where I am in life and the future.

My goal is win over the depression and be free from it and the anxiety, have the strength to take a morning walk, eat healthy and find peace for my soul and mind. One day I will be there and till then I will not stop fighting for my right to feel good and be okay. There is a meaning with my condition and I will find it!" - Emilie Alexandra Liljeqvist

Now it has been awhile since I became depression "free" and I did never stop fighting my worst enemy: myself

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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I remember when I was a kid. I loved school, the teachers and the other students. I was already the biggest dreamer back then. But the life and its struggles came around. When I needed support there was none to be found. The school blamed me for being lazy but in fact I was afraid to attend the lessons. In a desperate situation when I needed someone who would help me start and finish my delayed assignments the headmaster laughed in my face 'It is up to you'. And continue to play with his new iPad.

I did graduate gymnasium but not with many grades.

This summer I was diagnosed with chronic depression (dysthymia), severe anxiety and I have with a big probability ADHD. Still waiting for an ADHD investigation but it takes time.

So it was not just up to me. But I had to manage everything on my own. Under 8 years, neither the school or the health center helped me.

So now I restudy my courses, and it is amazing how I went form no trust and no confidence. For school and studies. To really love school, the teachers and my intelligence and productivity! I do very good in school and when everyone have fun on a Friday night, I read, I expand my knowledge and I get more intellectual.

I am a student but I do volunteer teaching for students with Swedish as a second language. If I had a tutor who helped me understand the assignment and a school that cared I would get the grade B years ago. So who am I do denial those how want help and really wants to learn?

With new ways of handle my busy brain and energetic mind I made a way that works for my studies, but sometimes I focus on the wrong things. But it is okay, I am okay. I will gain the focus again!

The world is in a desperate need for smart people with confidence in themselves!

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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~ "Make Up for me is not to look better, it is an art form to bring colors and structure to your face. Make Up should not hide your natural and inner beauty it should be a part of it!" ~


Those who know me know I am a very creative person in many different ways. Makeup is one of them. I do not do make up to impress the males, to look better or give myself more confidence. I do makeup on me and clients because it is fun, creative and innovative. Eye shadows for me is like color pencils, my eyelids as a paper sheets and together with the right brushes, a sense of form and color and you will get a beautiful painting as a result.

For me it is very important not to hide yourself behind makeup. It should be a part of you and not define you! You can do all these different makeup looks but it will never change what is under, a beautiful human, and your bare face. The purest beauty and the beauty who attracts people who love you for being you.

I do not spend thousands on makeup to impress males that do not even know a thing about makeup. I do it for me and my creativity. I spend it on my dream to help people find them comfortable in themselves. For them to love makeup as a hobby not a every day must.
It should not pressured must to please society with your looks.

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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Without makeup, with a little makeup and full on glam.

"Do they like me? Am I beautiful? Will I be accepted?" As a teenage girl in a world full with self-doubt it is hard to believe. I was taught to adapt myself and if I failed, then it was my fault. Adapt my personality, looks and morals. Therefore it took too long for me to love myself. Because the true me was buried under the adaptation.

Today I am amazed by how versatile I have become. I love my personality, my looks, my flaws and my talents. And I will be egotistical about that, especially when I neglected myself for years. I know it is not easy to become confident. I still work on that! But most of the time I am confident because I do not care like before.

Women all over the world can put on makeup, get their nails done, do a hairstyle and be sexy. But that do not change your fragile inside. It is nothing wrong by doing that, I do makeup every day, nails every three months and my hair when I feel like it. Even with all this typical women needs I splurge on - I still do not care if I have not done my nails, I am comfortable in no makeup and I like my hair messy.

Stop being so hard on yourself and learn to love instead of hate. I meet hate with humor and I do not care about those who hates.

We all need to start believing more in ourselves.

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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"No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."
~ Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

When I was born I had a clean page. I had nothing, everything and anything. Just like everyone. But somewhere on the growth of individuals we take shapes. We are so fragile that everything effects us. The same things in our environment that controls our unconsciousness. How we feel, think and believe.

I am a victim of the brutal society we live in. But I do not identify myself as a victim. I am a warrior for fighting back. Because I will not be a pre made manikin there to please the template. I am a free spirit with a major voice. I voice that says 'be true and be you' . For the choices I made to live like I wanted, be myself and do my mistakes. Life became much harder.

I am like the elephant Dumbo, I am different and it annoys people. They hated me for that. But I found my Timothy, my dearest friend Emanuella, who catch me in my deepest depression. She gave me a magical feather and she brought me happiness and therefore success. She made me believe in myself and the feather she gave me, it made me able to fly.

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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Nothing is going to happen if you are just waiting. You need to go and get it, fight for it and keep it. We are lonely, at least we share that and in loneliness we got to unite. So come, I need you closer. My inner wish is passing through the feelings we share. But I have time to be patient, I wont stress you or make you feel trapped. I am on a journey to find the true me and you are invited to join.

Nothing will stop me for exploring the world and its people, find more knowledge and experience, and express my love for life in my creative and crazy way.

Nobody is lost even though it can feel like it. You are on your life journey, a lifetime vacation of bad and good moments. You need to find the thing which will keep you focused. So you can do everything you ever wanted, just take the opportunity and do it. Never regret something you wished for.

I want to accomplish a lot in life, as a single woman, a partner in crime, in business, as a wife and mother. I know my life purpose lies in my success as a good person, share and teach the knowledge and bring happiness to those who need inspiration.

I have just started my self evolution journey, will you do it as well?

~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn

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