To you if you have or knows someone who has depression.
I wrote this letter because it was easier for me to explain everything in letters than spoken words. This letter is not the describing how it is today but it describes how it was living in a depression.
"I want the day to come when the best thing I know is to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast and go to school. The day when I do not look at myself in the mirror feeling disgusted, disappointed and lost. The day when I have the strength to do more tan two or three chores. The day when I can work with what I want, finish an education and develop ideas and projects. I do not want to be a victim of this endless depression anymore. Because it feels like it even though I do not want to define me as one.
It is very hard for others to understand. One of the days the depression can almost be unnoticeable like a water drop. The next day it can feel like the whole ocean. Those days I want to bury myself with the hope that the sun will make the depression to evaporate. The darkest days are the worst, I do not exist on those days, I an here but so far away. I am an empty shell with out any type of feelings. No frustration, happiness, sorrow, excitement or sadness. There is nothing, it is like floating around in space, in the silence. And then the anxiety comes which is not only psychological but also physical. It takes over my body in a very paralyzed way, it switches between: an aching pain till a numbing sensation. I feel empty then I want to explode because my mind goes on high speed. The anxiety over yesterday, and what happened 3 years ago, and 4 months ago, and 7 years ago and then over what happened an hour ago. Anxiety is a time machine which can not be stopped.
Nobody really understands how hard it is to get out of the bed in the morning, because they can and I can not. The anxiety, self hatred and the fear of failure holds me hostage in my own room and mind. Everything that is simple becomes so hard to do and it is easier to not do it. Not make a phone call, clean the room, the homework, to hangout with friends, to eat or to shower you only lay in bed. They ask me 'where does it come from?' My answer: 'I do not know' but what I know is that I do not have any energy to do anything. I do not have the motivation I need and I have a hard time to begin things.
I make plans for activities and goals which I then can not fulfill. I let friends, family, teachers, authorities and strangers down. But the one I let down the most is myself. I can not stop it, I do it over and over again. I wished it was different maybe then I would feel a little better. Because when I see people around me succeed, even though those who has all odds against them, I always ask myself: 'Am I the only one who allows myself to fail?' It almost feels like I unconsciously enjoys to consciously torment myself with my failures. My whole life has been about negative events, people and situations. It has to end!
And then the lack of sleep comes. The one who has the ability to make the night sky and the silence to a deep feeling of worry. That is the time when I count all the expectations I have on me, every mistake and wrongs I have done. Stress myself over the things I did not do that day and all the things I need to do. As mentioned before the time machine has its place here, the moment when I have put myself to bed and decided to try to sleep for a couple of hours. But I do not fall asleep directly, I get a few hours and then up at lunch to do nothing. For disconnect with the reality I watch TV series , change the main character with myself, then I am someone, when I have a normal life. The freedom to not deal with the fact that I am lonely and sick. I am not done yet! Then we have the feeling of extreme weakness. It makes you feel worthless, not capable to do anything and in the way of everyone. The lack of sleep give ls me severe psychological and physical symptoms that makes it hard to stay awake. As: pain in my whole body, an exhausted mind, nausea visits a lot, headaches and anxious feelings. There is no other option then go to bed. While I sleep I can stay asleep for up to 12 hours, a comfortable escape from reality to the land of dreams. There am I happy, have a successful life in all aspects of what that means, and I enjoy things other people enjoys. But that has also changed, no I do not sleep well and I dream nightmares. So sleep is not my happy zone anymore when the nightmares are coming more often.
My happiness is an act, I wear a mask that hides my permanent sadness and my depression. My happiness comes and goes because it is not here to stay. I can be happy with friends and family, it make me feel better and cured for the moment. But as soon as I leave and are alone again the depression comes back and I get sick again. But when I explain that this is my life and I have been fighting my depression for soon 8 years, they do not believe me. Because I know how to hide - I have done it for many years. I am still hear because of the little hope deep in my soul that make me try and fight harder.
I am afraid of dying but I am also afraid of living. I feel alone with no idea or clue about tomorrow or the future. Will I be fine or worse? Every day I do not talk with my friends makes me feel more hopeless and heavy. I miss my friends I have, the happy moments I have experienced and that I could reasonably decide over my sadness.
I want to be open and honest, that is how it always been. But I do not want to be seen as a victim or as a half insane person. That is why I do not talk about how I really feel, my past, where I am in life and the future.
My goal is win over the depression and be free from it and the anxiety, have the strength to take a morning walk, eat healthy and find peace for my soul and mind. One day I will be there and till then I will not stop fighting for my right to feel good and be okay. There is a meaning with my condition and I will find it!" - Emilie Alexandra Liljeqvist
Now it has been awhile since I became depression "free" and I did never stop fighting my worst enemy: myself
~ Noelle Alexandra Autumn