​Right now my life is a mess. My life is making me question everything about myself. Wherever I look I can not find any happiness in anything I do. I bought a new pair of slippers the other day, I thought that would at least give me some happiness. Maybe momentarily. But I just feel nothing, and that is saying a lot because I love fluffy slippers. 

I rode Tommie last Wednesday. That made me happy. But he is meant to make somebody else happy now, and I know he does, I can not disturb that. 

I work too much. My stomach is yelling at me to stop and aching with all the stress filling my body. But I can not, because I have said I can do it and so I will. I do not want to be a disappointment, I have to be enough to manage all this. A kid told me the other day that the only reason I care is because I get money for it. I know he said it to get to me, and that he did. Doing something just for the money is so far from my core beliefs, and yet part of me felt like he was speaking the truth. I think my value is determined by the amount of money I manage to gather on my bank account. If that is not twisted then I do not know what is. The norms of our society have convinced me that I am not valuable if I am not the one with the most money. I am ripping myself to shreds trying to manage everything and yet I do not feel valuable. If anything i feel like I have more shortcomings now than ever.

I feel like a burden. A constant burden to the people around me. Having me in your life, it feels like I am giving you a backpack filled with a thousand rocks to carry around each moment of every day. And all I want to do is apologize. Apologize and beg, beg for the burden not to be too big. Beg for people to stay with me. Please, do not leave me.

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I feel so weak sometimes. Powerless. Not bodily, but by not following my hopes and dreams. The reality is; I am not able to sort out my dreams from the dreams society has for people like me. I am supposed to seek adventure, be reckless, party... a lot. My mind just tells me to wander. If I could buy a tent, adopt a dog, and find somewhere to hike for a few months, then I would. Well, I guess I can, but it just does not feel realistic. Where would I even go? Where would I be allowed to go? I mean you can not put up a tent just anywhere.

I have fallen in love with a puppy at a rescue in Sweden. I know it is not logical to fall in love from a picture and a short description, but I did. He is perfect and his eyes speak to my soul. It was as my soul came alive when I found him. But it is not realistic to buy a dog now, I know I will leave his place, and I do not know where I will go. It is not fair to bring a dog into that environment. But his eyes told me we belonged together. All I wish to do is give him the safety of a loving forever home.

​She is one of the best things in my life.

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Today I turned a page in my life. It will be one of hard work and dedication, an investment of time into my future. Now that the hard part of sharing the news is over I actually feel excited for tomorrow. I will learn new things and get into the rhythm of new routines. The place I will spend a lot of time in will not evoke stress in me, it will let me socialize and use my skills in human contact and conversation. I will utilize logical thinking and I will have fun. I am looking forward to showing people what I go for and surprising them with my happy spirit. I am going to learn to let it out, bit by bit. I believe in you Mimmi.


The quality of the picture is not great, but oh my, how happy it makes me! The girl in that picture is me, all of me. ​I really miss her and will forever be on a journey to hold on to her every single day. 

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The more I seek compassion, the more my heart expands. I am very emotional at the moment, anything can set me off. I cry over a picture of people huggning, I cry over a picture of a calf, I cry of pride over my cousin, I cry from music. But I can also feel a seed, growing inside of me, a seed of development. I can actually feel a shift in my being.

Humans have lost the capability to embrace feelings. I always tell myself, any my sister, that you have to let yourself feel. If I have a day when I feel a need to let sadness and frustration leave my body through my eyes, I have to let myself cry. Only through following my body's signals I will give myself room to feel anything other than what fills me at the time. Locking it up inside will ruin me in the long run. Through following the shifts in my emotions I have created a bond to them, an understanding.

Sometimes I have o lock my heart from embracing feelings, if I am overwhelmed by a tragedy I can not reverse. I am starting to understand how humans have lost themselves, humans have lost the compassion for those who wander the earth among us. Four legs or eight, we all have the right to share this space.

People say humans are smart enough to create weapons, that is how we know we are supposed to exploit other species. We could not hunt without the tools we create. I agree to the extent that our species found a way to survive when there was no other path to follow. But with that special brain of ours, should we not be able to realize when we have done enough harm. There are other roads to wander now, more sensible ways to live. We no longer take only what we need, we take all we want and then we take some more. Humans have lost their humanity, however that is possible. The more I let myself feel, the more I become myself.

Strive to align your actions with your beliefs.

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​If you do not feel like living in the dark anymore, this is the documentary to watch. There are so many ugly truths not exposed to the public due to the sad fact that our society runs off of money. I am going to gather my thoughts on it, but that will require time I do not feel like I have in this very moment. I also want to tell myself something, if I ever need to look back and readjust my beliefs: watch it again. 

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All my life I have been defined. Defined by the country I was born into. Defined by the religion I was born into. Defined by my interests. Defined by the type of music I listen to. Labels are stupid. Labels are an invention of the human, and a ridiculous one of that. I am no one thing. Nothing can define me, I will go beyond all borders. If I were a coloring book there would be no way to only fill the space inside the lines, I would make sure to be colored beyond them.

I used to be okay with being defined as a quiet, but happy, horse-loving girl. A girl who would be expected to have some dirt underneath her fingernails and a girl carrying a big backpack of clothes to wear in the stable. I started to define myself within the lines of society. But I am no one thing, you can not put me into a stack of your papers and expect me to belong only there, in your particular pile for people like me. There is not one other person on this planet that is exactly like me. Who is to say that I will act a certain way because of my hobbies? Only I can define myself, and I have chosen to set no borders for what i can become. I will not be universalized.

Another thing I find stupid, to carry this subject into a broader perspective, who is to say someone is straight or gay? Why do we find it so necessary to only allow black or white, and no grey. I believe all of it is grey. I do not think we fall in love with a gender, but an individual. Whether the type of soul we commonly fall for more often is of the same or the opposite sex does not tell us what label to file the person under, because one day they might meet someone they fall for without being able to catch themselves, what will you and your stupid labeling system do if they suddenly change course. They have not gone from black to white or white to black. they have been grey all along, just like the rest of us.

Labels try to make us all ordinary, when the vast majority of the worlds population is meant to be extraordinary. I will not be universalized.


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• I have two favorite movies, The Proposal and Mamma Mia the Movie. At times I get stuck in them, watching them up to several times a day. Some people say this is madness, watching the same plot over and over again, but to me it is meditation. I know exactly what is going to happen, the face the character is going to make and I connect to them, it is like throwing myself into the movie, living it. Right now Mamma Mia occupies most of my time, not only through the screen of the TV, but it also fills my ears at any time I can have music on. 

• I absolutely adore people who know who they are. I am so often disappointed by people acting like they know their set path. I study them and try to learn to display the same confidence, only to realize it is all an act. They are trying to prove to be someone they are not. It is okay to be insecure, but be honest about who and what you are, otherwise I will have a hard time trusting who you are. 

• I can get all giddy from giving compliments. Making people feel bubbly and happy through my words makes the feeling spread to me as well.

• Right now I am in the process of realizing what is important to me in life. It is a relief, but also tough. i have a hard time to shut people out, but some just really do not deserve all the effort I put into caring for them. Others I could give my life for despite the fact that they are not giving much back, I think it all depends on why they are treating me the way they are. I trust my gut on this one, it will choose people correctly since it knows me better than I know myself. 

• I am convinced there are things humans are not supposed to be able to comprehend. To us magic will always exist in this world, because our brains are out of their depth trying to understand all the billions of connections in the network of the world. Faith, destiny, whatever you like to call it. We have to think of it as magic, the complexity of it is incomprehensible to our primal brains. 

• If I could choose to be a na'vi living on Pandora I would not hesitate for a second. (Avatar peeps.) The connection and respect they have for the natural state of their planet is something we have lost on Earth. They trust in the magic running through the veins of nature, I wish that was possible here. And who does not strive to be Toruk Makto, I mean come on...?

• Running is easier than walking, it comes more naturally to me. I try to go for walks and always just end up running instead, unless Ronja is with me because her slow pace is impossible to transform into a run. After finishing a run I feel like I am walking on clouds, bouncing me forward. Running is meditation to me. 

• There is so much I wish to do and so much I am scared of missing out on. I need to realize whatever path I find myself on it will lead me right in the end. I also do believe in putting my faith in my own hands, but I have to trust that my sub-consious will lead me right in the end. 

• Call me Mimmi. Please.

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Do you have a dream? I have a dream. Right now I wish with all my heart that I could get a job in Greece, on a restaurant or something of the kind. Then I could spend all my free time exploring, hiking new treks and letting the wind blow through me, feeling it energize my soul. I can not stop watching Mamma Mia the movie, it is genius. I hope to go there this summer, to Skopelos. It seems breathtaking. 

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​There was a time when you were my whole life. You kept me afloat so many times, you were my oxygen at times I could not extract it from the air. You owned my heart, all of it.

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I feel like some of the pieces are finding their place. I mean, my plan might not be perfect, but the good thing is that it does not have to be. For now I am hoping to go abroad this spring, on some kind of adventure. This summer will be filled with work, but also time spent with my sister. For the fall I am hoping to do GMU and then, depending on how that feels, i wish to travel to Australia and work there next winter. You know, plans change, but at least there is a base to change it from now.

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