Right now my life is a mess. My life is making me question everything about myself. Wherever I look I can not find any happiness in anything I do. I bought a new pair of slippers the other day, I thought that would at least give me some happiness. Maybe momentarily. But I just feel nothing, and that is saying a lot because I love fluffy slippers.
I rode Tommie last Wednesday. That made me happy. But he is meant to make somebody else happy now, and I know he does, I can not disturb that.
I work too much. My stomach is yelling at me to stop and aching with all the stress filling my body. But I can not, because I have said I can do it and so I will. I do not want to be a disappointment, I have to be enough to manage all this. A kid told me the other day that the only reason I care is because I get money for it. I know he said it to get to me, and that he did. Doing something just for the money is so far from my core beliefs, and yet part of me felt like he was speaking the truth. I think my value is determined by the amount of money I manage to gather on my bank account. If that is not twisted then I do not know what is. The norms of our society have convinced me that I am not valuable if I am not the one with the most money. I am ripping myself to shreds trying to manage everything and yet I do not feel valuable. If anything i feel like I have more shortcomings now than ever.
I feel like a burden. A constant burden to the people around me. Having me in your life, it feels like I am giving you a backpack filled with a thousand rocks to carry around each moment of every day. And all I want to do is apologize. Apologize and beg, beg for the burden not to be too big. Beg for people to stay with me. Please, do not leave me.