Jag är trött på att vakna upp till stress. Trötta barn. Trött mamma. VARFÖR ska dagen börja kl 7?! Jag ser verkligen ingen mening med det. Absolut inte under vinterhalvåret då det ändå är mörkt hela dygnet. Solen går upp sent och lägger sig tidigt. Så varför inte följa rytmen lite mer? Men näpp, här ska det formas tidigt. In i stressen, alla måsten och borden... Nä nu tar vi semester snart.

Så länge jag ändå inte har någon arbetsträning så kan de vara hemma med mig tycker jag. Har frågat runt på flera ställen, bokaffärer, blomsterbutiker. Varit på "studiebesök"på sociala företag. Nu senast ett snickeri,.. alltså, JAG, på ett snickeri? Hålla på med farliga verktyg? Haha ja det vore ju nått. Det går inte en vecka utan att jag skadar mig i mitt eget kök!

Men såklart.. jag har mina drömmar, utvecklar planerna långsamt. Små sten sätts i rullning. Jorå, det kommer, jag ska inte sitta här och dra era skattepengar hela livet. Jag lovar. Det här behövs bara just nu, för att komma på fötter igen. Tack för att jag får den chansen.

Ikväll är det yoga igen, får hoppas att det funkar att smita iväg. Att barnen är på gott humör, lugna. Det är INTE lätt att ha familjen på annat håll och försöka få till någon egentid. Eloge till alla er ensamma föräldrar som förstår hur det är att försöka mecka ihop vardagen, nätterna, tiden, planeringen..

Speciellt inte när de små liven är i uppror, har det jobbigt, inte mår så bra. Som just nu. Två av mina hjärtan är helt uppåner. Jag har svårt att veta vad jag ska göra, hur jag ska hjälpa, räcka till. Det gör så ont i magen när ens barn inte mår bra. Påverkar hela mitt jag. Men vi vänder det, älsklingar, jag vet att det blir bättre! Ingenting är för evigt.

Snart flytt, röra runt i energierna, det blir bra. Ska skaffa stor madrass/säng så jag slipper det här med att trängas vareviga natt med två ungar i en 90 säng. Det är sjukt svettigt!

Nu iväg och köra bil. Igen. Känns som det där körkortet aldrig kommer..

✌&❤

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So this is the absolute nr 1 best veggie food according to everyone in our family.  We call it pizza sandwich. It's best when fresh of the stove, but also wonderful to bring as a snack when out and about. I vary it, but always make it with beans and curry. Often spinach, sometimes zucchini, lentils and onion is also joined in the mash. It looks hideous, the actual mash, but I promise,it's awesome 👌 Leiah saw the beans one of the first times I made this and exclaimed that she pukes if she eats them. 15 minutes later she was stuffing her face with her new favorite food! 😁 So here's the recipe for the ones in the pictures, feel free to experiment, it can handle alot.

16 tortilla breads
a handfull of chopped fresh baby spinach
1 can of kidney beans
1 can of black beans
1 yellow onion, finely chopped
1 or 2 garlic cloves, chopped or crushed
about 1,5 dl of plant based cooking cream, (maybe moore, I just wing it. It's supposed to have a thick, creamy, paste like consistency when everything is mashed together.)

1 tablespoon of Japanese soy sauce (optional)

salt, peppar and curry.

Use your own tastebuds to decide how much. Some like alot of curry, some less.

Step one: pour the beans in a strainer and wash them in water, let it drip while chopping the onion and spinach. I usually sauté the onions and spinach together, but this time I didn't want the spinach to be completely wilted. You call the shots ✌

sauté onions in coconut oil (rapeseed, butter- whatever you prefer) until shiny, add cream and spices. Let sit on medium heat until the onions are soft. And then in with the beans. Now comes the most time consuming part: mashing the beans. I use a big spoon. When everything is kind-of smooth put the spinach in if you didn't do it in the beginning.

step 2
Take 1 tortilla and put some of your nasty looking mush on there, use a new frying pan (no oil or butter in this!) Place the tortilla in it, sprinkle some cheese on it and slap another tortilla on top. Turn the tortillas and gently flatten them together. When the underside is nicely browned and the cheese has melted a little so they've started to stick together; flip it and do the other side. Slice it like a pizza and you're ready to eat!

My kids all LOVE this, and me to. It's an easy, delicious veggie dinner/lunch/snack. And hey, I can get my kids to eat tons of stuff they would never put in their mouths otherwise. Top points to me 👌✌

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I have been sleeping crammed in-between my youngest not-so-little ones for the past few nights. It's sweaty, very cramped and I sometimes have to get out of bed when claustrofobic feelings overwhelm me. So last evening I surrendered and made the bed in the convertible sofa. Ten minutes after lying down, Leiah joined me.

I sometimes actually GET this thing about planning! 😝

Tuesdays yoga didn't go so well.. Lovah was going to babysit her siblings, which I totally trust her with. She's very responsible and actually loves being alone with her sisters. But I guess no one was in the best state for it. Lovah came home from school with a headache and in a bad mood. Leiah was also tired and grumpy. So I ended up hopping of the buss not even halfway, heading home again. Lovah had called me all frustrated because of Leiah having a meltdown. She couldn't go to her friends house (her friend wasn't home..) Sometimes logic doesn't get through to her when she's set her mind on something. Oh well, I'll try again on Thursday!

Yesterday, Norahs daycare was closed so she had to tag along on my errands, it went well but she was exhausted when we got home. I checked my step logging app and we had walked a little more than 10 000 steps! No wonder she spent the rest of the day relaxing :D

My dear neighbor came over and stayed for dinner; deep fried tofu, oven baked beets, potatoes and parsnips with a sauce made of oatlyimat, sambal oelek and dijon mustard. Yummy! She is a lot of fun and the kids love her. Leiah got help crafting a house for her future gerbils (we'll see about that..) and I got to cook dinner without the usual umpteen interruptions. She also did the dishes afterwards which she got a BIG gold star in my book for :D 👌 Anyone who knows me well, knows I DESPISE doing dishes. Lovah had riding, and our lovely Grandma Gunilla came and drove her there and back. It's a very appreciated help, not the best time to be out with the small kids, sitting in a buss.. When they really need to be at home and chill out before bedtime. Tack farmor! 🙏 l aso got 2(!) bottles of kombucha from her! Love love love Gunillas kombucha!

Sooo.. now to some other ramblings.. We will be moving back go Knivsta in the end of March. I love it here in Uppsala but being closer to family and the childrens father's is more important right now in our life. I'm really grateful for this time here and feel sad to leave. If I had older kids and a car I would have stayed.

A big positive with moving is I get the chance to purge my stuff again! I hate feeling owned by stuff. If I really think about it, it's not much we actually need. But the other categories; what we love and what we use.. Those fill upp alot. The kids use all the crafting stuff and some of their toys. I love the books, photos and art and alot of my tiny knick knacks. Like my stone collection. But I also love decluttering. It's a challenge at times to know what to save, and what REALLY is only a broken doll that is hard to throw out because of the memorys it brings to mind. That's also something interesting about purging. It's a mindwrecking and eye opening therapy. WHY is it so hard to throw out that doll or give away the tiny baby shirt all three girls wore when they where infants? I'll probably never need it again, then why should it lie in a box somewhere? Boxed up memories, kind of useless if you really think about it. Attachment to things is a dangerous business. I believe it can keep us from growing, expanding, finding new ways in life and in mind. We dwell on old memories and feelings. Even though they may be pleasant ones, I want to LIVE now. Not yesterday. And the memories are still there for as long as we permit them to be. They won't vanish just because the doll isn't there, stuffed in a drawer, unused and taking up space. My children are here, now and they will never be babies again. I want to cherish them now, today. Hug and kiss and love them. A shirt attached with memories lying in a box or not, won't change the fact that they once where tiny little beings. And thar they aren't anymore.

We are all, no exceptions, traveling towards the same end. Young, rich, poor, old, happy, sad. Wherever we are in life, however we choose to believe, live our lives, how much stuff we have and whatever our dreams are.This shall also pass. Death is the final destination. I, for one, don't want to end my life, leaving behind a ton of stuff for loved ones to sort through. I want to leave them with memories. Not memories attached in things, but in their hearts. That's where it will continue to live. That's where it matters.

Norah wants glasses for her birthday 😁 These cost 1500kr so that won't be an option.. If anyone knows of where to buy a pair of children's glasses with just regular glass in them, let me know!

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Creativity is this year's theme for me. I feel it in my bones. My gut is screaming for it. My soulsongs are clawing their way to the surface. My brain is churning constantly with ideas. I just need to learn how to nurture and harvest them. The right ones. The soulful ones. Ideas that will bring forth positive changes for me and those dearest creatures I'm happy to call friends and family. January has been filled with painting, crocheting, drawing, reading, writing, contemplating and lots of silence (I guess what I mean by this is no music, no TV.. kids are hard to turn off or mute 😝) I'm excited for what is to come. I know there are many big changes in store. My fingers and toes are tingling with anticipation. The soul-toes are burying themselves in soil, soul-fingers reaching out to touch the sky. Bring it, I say! No more bullshit business ✌❤

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I was planning on writing something. Update on life or whatever. But my words are stuck inside. I am in a strange place right now, feels like I'm sleepwalking. Not really awake, but not really sleeping either. My days pass in a haze, the nights consists of counting the hours I don't sleep. Or I wake from disturbing dreams several times. Suddenly the sun starts rising and a new day of zombieduty begins. I really have no brain. Sometimes I wonder what it would look like on a ct scan... 😵
I forget what I've said, what I'm thinking, what has happened and how I've felt about it... Sounds awesome right!?

Oh well.. I'll just write another day when I know where I am, what my name is and how I feel about it.

✌ peace out people


The mini panther: Sigge

..Ikea..

Morning walk 😊

Luna

Evening walk

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Summer passes by so quickly. I love fall with all it's crisp color's.. But boy do I not like what follows. I've thought alot about why winter haunts me so much. Because I do like cold sunny winter day's with lot's of snow. But I would probably be fine with winter for a maximum of 3 weeks... And I deeply despise the darkness it brings. Living so far up north is very tough for someone like me, who gets paralysed almost every year by the foul beast: Depression. Gosh do I HATE it. Nasty shit. And I'm so terrified when Octobers days go dwindling. After All Hallows, that's usually when it goes downhill for me. I wish I could get on an airplane and chase the sun to it's hiding place. I don't know if it would help, but I DO know it's the darkness and the seemingly never-ending cold that gets to me.

Wow. Just spilling word's out right now.. This summer has been awesome and now it's time to enjoy all of falltimes beauties.

This is my cousin Jonathan. Every year they have a thing called boat-week out by Gräsö, my cousin entered and won the whole thing! Fun to watch especially since we had awesome "seats", from the boat we where in. 👍

my sister Hannah and Balder

Back home in the city, going to IKEA is one of the childrens top choices 😝 (I'm not joking, they love IKEA)

....soooo I was restless and "accidentally" cut my bangs reaaaal short.... 😊

❤ my love ❤

Magical happening in the woods this weekend: I was walking the dog and found a plastic bucket. Picked it up and decided to pick blueberries. I walked towards the woods and randomly turned left. After a while I got closer to some blueberry patches and looked down to find the ground speckled with gold! The forests own treasures are the absolute best. It's amazing how happy I felt after this. Chantarells for breakfast! 😍

My little performer dancing down the streets

Chill time with my hairy babies

Stensöta -Polypodium vulgare-

a fern who's roots taste liquorice 🤗

I LOVE FERNS!

Lovah at her new riding school, this pretty horse is named Jim Bob 😁 I always find it hilarious how funny names they name their horses sometimes. This is my all time favorite though... JimBob 😍

❤🖖❤

Norah in her new Vermont dress she got from her beloved GrandpaDean ❤

Thank you Dad!

Maple syrup is one of my most favored loves in life

(if you haven't already tried it, I strongly advice you to do so. It works with a variety of edible stuff. Like pancakes, yoghurt, in baking, in food, and as a soothing medicine when times are rough 😝)


Peace out y'all ✌

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Today when I was cleaning the house at Gräsö, I saw things reminding me of my grandfather; Olav, childhood memories appeared in my mind. Gräsö was a sanctuary for me and still is, I've spent so many days here, with family, friends, cats, dogs and occasionaly on my own.

I vacuumed under the large wooden table wich has pretty tiles from my grandfathers hometown in Germany. I remember when he built it, trying to find the best way to place the tiles, asking me and his wife what we thought. He was a quiet man, only speaking when he really wanted something said. Or when there was beer involved 😝 (very Swedish, being quiet and withdrawn while sober) I always felt that he spoke with his hands, the things he built, how he looked when building a fire or steering a boat, when he held my tiny hand in his large one..
Gräsö is still so much of morfar. My stubborn, grumpy, large, but very kind morfar. He was a hard man to understand. I didn't agree with alot of his oppinions. But that didn't stop me from loving him, STILL loving and missing him.
The sea, the barn, the red tractor, lapin kulta, birchtrees, eating porridge with melted butter, the smell and sound when a boat just starts, swifts in the summer skyes.. all the small little things.
Im sad my children didn't get to know him, but I will always cherrish the memories.
I will keep them in my heart and share them with my loved ones. ❤

Back home from Gräsö, its bittersweet. We have had a wonderful time, and I'm thankful for the nice summer weather. It might help me get through the winter a little easier.
I know I will have a hard time adjusting to appartment life again. Especially since we have a two roomer. It is a bit to crowded.. I have to get my ass up and start looking for something bigger. Lovah is starting her riding on friday, school on monday and Norah also has her first day at her new daycare on Monday. On wednesday next week its Leiahs first day in school!  So we're spending this week getting back to our usual rutines.

I hope you have had a wonderful summer ❤

I wish you love, peace and happiness from the bottom of my heart ❤✌😊

This picture is from when we went to Understen, the place out to sea where my Grandpas ashes where spread ​❤ 

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Claudia and Norah, so sweet together! They both had a hard time grasping that Lovah is a big sister to both of them ❤

Lovah and Gutrixia on the last day of riding camp. Jump show 👍

Me and my baby Norah ❤ On our way to Gräsö, spent 2 days in town. Felt extremely cramped. During summertime, being on the countryside is awesome 🌊🌞🌊

So we are having a great summer so far. Im loving the slow pace. Lazy mornings, no have-to-doos, coffee on the porch in the morning sunshine, Walking down to the sea for a swim and charging up on vitamin D. Bbq in the warm sunset, sauna and evening swimming, the dogs enjoying the freedom of no leashes, and of course the kids are having the best time ever. They love love LOVE being here. Even though they have several cuts, bruises, splinters and so on; from life on the countryside.. 😊 But mostly from solving their sibling fights in a very non verbal way 😝 Gräsö will always be one of my fondest childhood memories and I hope it will have a special place in my childrens hearts as well ❤

We had not planned to stay here for this long. But life here is so much easier than at home in the appartment. I swear I will live close to nature one day. Water, woods, rivers and mountains. My heart is saving a space for what will one day be my homestead.

A hearth to keep feet warm.

A pillow to rest my head.

A garden to grow fresh corn.

A porch to sit and wonder when starry skyes are up above.

A little goes a long way.

Nature is my true love.

I'm both dreading and looking forward to life after things get back to "normal". Rutines, school, daycare, riding lessons, therapy, beginning an internship to slowly get back to work, and so on and so forth. There are alot of changes going to take place this fall and winter and I am hoping they will bear sweet fruit in the future.

I know I am not alone. I am blessed with having friends and family who are strong, true, honest and loving. You bring me light, laughter and understanding. I thank you for your patience, your never ending support and for listening. Having me as a friend or family member is a challenge and at times a struggle, you probably dont understand me, dont get what and why I do or say the things I do. You may just want to give up and turn your back on me. I get it. Maybe I hurt you without being concious about it. And I know one of the challenging things of being my friend is my long absence from contact. All I can say is that Im working on it. And sometimes I just need you to barge in. Say 'hey, Im coming over today' 😊 Im writing this to my closest friends and relatives. You know who you are. I love you ❤

My days are always a struggle, even during good times I have a constant deep doubt about my own worth.

Living with myself feels like a coach with crazy horses galloping across the wild west, the wagoner is shot dead, the coach has a hidden chest of gold inside and I'm being chased by my own highwaymen.

But hey, you who really know me, you will hopefully (😝) agree when I say that I am not only a challenge.. I am also a good friend, daughter, sister, niece.. I will always listen, and try my best to not judge you, but only support. I will be honest, loving and true. We are one people, sharing the same existence. And no one can ever build anything without the help from others. ✌


💞 Happy Pride 💞

..Summertime and the living is easy..

Aunt Marita, Balder the 8 month old Leonberger and Leiah feeding him chips 😁

von Arronets boats are fast and fun to ride 😍

At the place where all the Arronet boats are built. A blast with kickbikes ✌

🌠They are the stars of tomorrow 🌠

Lovah is such a great big sister

Norah is really fun to watch when she is in her best performance mode. She sings and dances as if no one was around. Totally lost in her own little world. This was on the ferry to Öregrund and she was singing Katy Perry's "Roar" 😊

Siri ❤ Luna

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Dad was here yesterday and spent the night. It's wonderful to see how the kids and their grandpa interact with eachother ❤ We had a bbq, I made an awesome potato salad, I recommend you to try it ✌ Me and Dad watched Naruto after everyone had gone to bed. (Haven't watched that in a loooong time) Leiah and Lovah spent the night on the balcony again 😁 And now all three of my precious little rascals are asleep out there. As long as it doesn't rain I'm sure it'll be fine ❤


Easy peasy Potato salad

You will need:

8-10 cooked potatoes (I cut hem in large pieces)

1 red onion (optional, I put it in a separate bowl)

7oz haricot verts (ca 200g) (chopped inhalfs or thirds)

8oz (ca 200g) feta cheese

Salt and Pepper

Dressing

0,8 cups (0,75 dl) of olive oil

2 tablespoons (msk) white wine vinegar (I didn't have this so I used ca 1 tblsp rice vinegar)

1 tblsp (msk) dijon mustard

0,5 cups minced chives (gräslök)

Dice the potatoes, onions and haricot put in a bowl or whatever 😝 (I used a baking dish for lack of bowls) sprinkle the feta on top. Mix the ingredients for the dressing, pour ontop and turn everything a few times to mix it all together Salt and pepper according to taste!

This is the best potato salad I've ever had! Would probably be really tasty to have some radishes in it as well 👌

Happy eating folks!


Summertime.. and the living is easy 😍

Solskensunge 🌞

mmmmm corn on the cob 👌 🌽 😋

Lovah made a game this weekend, I'm so proud of her, she has an amazing imagination and is so full of creativity ❤ 👇

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at mom's house

​The past weeks have been all about reconnecting with the children. After being gone for 2 weeks its been tough. Partly because I´ve not been feeling well. Also it always takes time to reajust to the rutines again. We´ve not done much. Gone for walks, visited our old hometown, seen family and friends. Short visits but just enough for now. We spent a weekend at Gräsö, this weekend Lovah had one of her best friends over for a sleepover. We made a "tent" on the balcony woch they slept in for two nights. Tonight Lovah and Leiah chose to sleep there again. They have been sleeping much better there, than inside in their own beds. :D When Lovahs friend, Miriam was here they got to babysit for an evening, me and Jim went out for a date wich we almost never have done. Yesterday me and the kids went to the movies. Angry birds. 

Siri has been shedding SO MUCH hair lately!! Been brushing her everyday and she still sheds hair in piles around the house. :O Right now she looks like a rat. Thin, with hair hanging of her in clumps. I read that dogs usually shed enormously twice a year. Since she just turned 1, maybe this is her first episode of the mega-hair-shedding-party. It´s extremely annoying. Hair everywhere. So I´m not baking right now, since It´s enough having to pick Siri-hair out of the food all the time. 

I´m still isolating myself, wich is soooo nice. I know I´ll eventually get tired and bored of just being me, animals, kids.. But for now it´s well needed and I really hope no one is offenden. If you have tried to reach me on messenger, instagram or fb, I wont answere, sine Im off there for now. If your in dire need of contacting my sorry mess of a humanbeing, send a text, email or snailmail. Don´t call, I won´t answere. (I know this may sound weird, but If you know me, for real, you will understand) <3 


OH YEAH!! I´ve got myself a present: a Nikon D5300 camera! It´s awesome, I´m in love. In august I will be going to a course, to get to know all the secrets, tips and tricks. (hopefully) 


Peace and Love 



My mom and Norah have always had a very special connection

Grandma Gunilla and Norah ❤❤

Leiah and Elias watching the baby pigeon who had fallen from it's nest 😥

Lovah and Miriam in the "tent" on our balcony ❤

Beautiful blue-eyed Leiah

-The date, we had dinner at Burger's and Beer's and then we walked around town and played in a playground 😁 

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