I was planning on writing something. Update on life or whatever. But my words are stuck inside. I am in a strange place right now, feels like I'm sleepwalking. Not really awake, but not really sleeping either. My days pass in a haze, the nights consists of counting the hours I don't sleep. Or I wake from disturbing dreams several times. Suddenly the sun starts rising and a new day of zombieduty begins. I really have no brain. Sometimes I wonder what it would look like on a ct scan... 😵
I forget what I've said, what I'm thinking, what has happened and how I've felt about it... Sounds awesome right!?

Oh well.. I'll just write another day when I know where I am, what my name is and how I feel about it.

✌ peace out people

The mini panther: Sigge


Morning walk 😊


Evening walk

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Summer passes by so quickly. I love fall with all it's crisp color's.. But boy do I not like what follows. I've thought alot about why winter haunts me so much. Because I do like cold sunny winter day's with lot's of snow. But I would probably be fine with winter for a maximum of 3 weeks... And I deeply despise the darkness it brings. Living so far up north is very tough for someone like me, who gets paralysed almost every year by the foul beast: Depression. Gosh do I HATE it. Nasty shit. And I'm so terrified when Octobers days go dwindling. After All Hallows, that's usually when it goes downhill for me. I wish I could get on an airplane and chase the sun to it's hiding place. I don't know if it would help, but I DO know it's the darkness and the seemingly never-ending cold that gets to me.

Wow. Just spilling word's out right now.. This summer has been awesome and now it's time to enjoy all of falltimes beauties.

This is my cousin Jonathan. Every year they have a thing called boat-week out by Gräsö, my cousin entered and won the whole thing! Fun to watch especially since we had awesome "seats", from the boat we where in. 👍

my sister Hannah and Balder

Back home in the city, going to IKEA is one of the childrens top choices 😝 (I'm not joking, they love IKEA)

....soooo I was restless and "accidentally" cut my bangs reaaaal short.... 😊

❤ my love ❤

Magical happening in the woods this weekend: I was walking the dog and found a plastic bucket. Picked it up and decided to pick blueberries. I walked towards the woods and randomly turned left. After a while I got closer to some blueberry patches and looked down to find the ground speckled with gold! The forests own treasures are the absolute best. It's amazing how happy I felt after this. Chantarells for breakfast! 😍

My little performer dancing down the streets

Chill time with my hairy babies

Stensöta -Polypodium vulgare-

a fern who's roots taste liquorice 🤗


Lovah at her new riding school, this pretty horse is named Jim Bob 😁 I always find it hilarious how funny names they name their horses sometimes. This is my all time favorite though... JimBob 😍


Norah in her new Vermont dress she got from her beloved GrandpaDean ❤

Thank you Dad!

Maple syrup is one of my most favored loves in life

(if you haven't already tried it, I strongly advice you to do so. It works with a variety of edible stuff. Like pancakes, yoghurt, in baking, in food, and as a soothing medicine when times are rough 😝)

Peace out y'all ✌



Today when I was cleaning the house at Gräsö, I saw things reminding me of my grandfather; Olav, childhood memories appeared in my mind. Gräsö was a sanctuary for me and still is, I've spent so many days here, with family, friends, cats, dogs and occasionaly on my own.

I vacuumed under the large wooden table wich has pretty tiles from my grandfathers hometown in Germany. I remember when he built it, trying to find the best way to place the tiles, asking me and his wife what we thought. He was a quiet man, only speaking when he really wanted something said. Or when there was beer involved 😝 (very Swedish, being quiet and withdrawn while sober) I always felt that he spoke with his hands, the things he built, how he looked when building a fire or steering a boat, when he held my tiny hand in his large one..
Gräsö is still so much of morfar. My stubborn, grumpy, large, but very kind morfar. He was a hard man to understand. I didn't agree with alot of his oppinions. But that didn't stop me from loving him, STILL loving and missing him.
The sea, the barn, the red tractor, lapin kulta, birchtrees, eating porridge with melted butter, the smell and sound when a boat just starts, swifts in the summer skyes.. all the small little things.
Im sad my children didn't get to know him, but I will always cherrish the memories.
I will keep them in my heart and share them with my loved ones. ❤

Back home from Gräsö, its bittersweet. We have had a wonderful time, and I'm thankful for the nice summer weather. It might help me get through the winter a little easier.
I know I will have a hard time adjusting to appartment life again. Especially since we have a two roomer. It is a bit to crowded.. I have to get my ass up and start looking for something bigger. Lovah is starting her riding on friday, school on monday and Norah also has her first day at her new daycare on Monday. On wednesday next week its Leiahs first day in school!  So we're spending this week getting back to our usual rutines.

I hope you have had a wonderful summer ❤

I wish you love, peace and happiness from the bottom of my heart ❤✌😊

This picture is from when we went to Understen, the place out to sea where my Grandpas ashes where spread ​❤ 



Claudia and Norah, so sweet together! They both had a hard time grasping that Lovah is a big sister to both of them ❤

Lovah and Gutrixia on the last day of riding camp. Jump show 👍

Me and my baby Norah ❤ On our way to Gräsö, spent 2 days in town. Felt extremely cramped. During summertime, being on the countryside is awesome 🌊🌞🌊

So we are having a great summer so far. Im loving the slow pace. Lazy mornings, no have-to-doos, coffee on the porch in the morning sunshine, Walking down to the sea for a swim and charging up on vitamin D. Bbq in the warm sunset, sauna and evening swimming, the dogs enjoying the freedom of no leashes, and of course the kids are having the best time ever. They love love LOVE being here. Even though they have several cuts, bruises, splinters and so on; from life on the countryside.. 😊 But mostly from solving their sibling fights in a very non verbal way 😝 Gräsö will always be one of my fondest childhood memories and I hope it will have a special place in my childrens hearts as well ❤

We had not planned to stay here for this long. But life here is so much easier than at home in the appartment. I swear I will live close to nature one day. Water, woods, rivers and mountains. My heart is saving a space for what will one day be my homestead.

A hearth to keep feet warm.

A pillow to rest my head.

A garden to grow fresh corn.

A porch to sit and wonder when starry skyes are up above.

A little goes a long way.

Nature is my true love.

I'm both dreading and looking forward to life after things get back to "normal". Rutines, school, daycare, riding lessons, therapy, beginning an internship to slowly get back to work, and so on and so forth. There are alot of changes going to take place this fall and winter and I am hoping they will bear sweet fruit in the future.

I know I am not alone. I am blessed with having friends and family who are strong, true, honest and loving. You bring me light, laughter and understanding. I thank you for your patience, your never ending support and for listening. Having me as a friend or family member is a challenge and at times a struggle, you probably dont understand me, dont get what and why I do or say the things I do. You may just want to give up and turn your back on me. I get it. Maybe I hurt you without being concious about it. And I know one of the challenging things of being my friend is my long absence from contact. All I can say is that Im working on it. And sometimes I just need you to barge in. Say 'hey, Im coming over today' 😊 Im writing this to my closest friends and relatives. You know who you are. I love you ❤

My days are always a struggle, even during good times I have a constant deep doubt about my own worth.

Living with myself feels like a coach with crazy horses galloping across the wild west, the wagoner is shot dead, the coach has a hidden chest of gold inside and I'm being chased by my own highwaymen.

But hey, you who really know me, you will hopefully (😝) agree when I say that I am not only a challenge.. I am also a good friend, daughter, sister, niece.. I will always listen, and try my best to not judge you, but only support. I will be honest, loving and true. We are one people, sharing the same existence. And no one can ever build anything without the help from others. ✌

💞 Happy Pride 💞

..Summertime and the living is easy..

Aunt Marita, Balder the 8 month old Leonberger and Leiah feeding him chips 😁

von Arronets boats are fast and fun to ride 😍

At the place where all the Arronet boats are built. A blast with kickbikes ✌

🌠They are the stars of tomorrow 🌠

Lovah is such a great big sister

Norah is really fun to watch when she is in her best performance mode. She sings and dances as if no one was around. Totally lost in her own little world. This was on the ferry to Öregrund and she was singing Katy Perry's "Roar" 😊

Siri ❤ Luna



Dad was here yesterday and spent the night. It's wonderful to see how the kids and their grandpa interact with eachother ❤ We had a bbq, I made an awesome potato salad, I recommend you to try it ✌ Me and Dad watched Naruto after everyone had gone to bed. (Haven't watched that in a loooong time) Leiah and Lovah spent the night on the balcony again 😁 And now all three of my precious little rascals are asleep out there. As long as it doesn't rain I'm sure it'll be fine ❤

Easy peasy Potato salad

You will need:

8-10 cooked potatoes (I cut hem in large pieces)

1 red onion (optional, I put it in a separate bowl)

7oz haricot verts (ca 200g) (chopped inhalfs or thirds)

8oz (ca 200g) feta cheese

Salt and Pepper


0,8 cups (0,75 dl) of olive oil

2 tablespoons (msk) white wine vinegar (I didn't have this so I used ca 1 tblsp rice vinegar)

1 tblsp (msk) dijon mustard

0,5 cups minced chives (gräslök)

Dice the potatoes, onions and haricot put in a bowl or whatever 😝 (I used a baking dish for lack of bowls) sprinkle the feta on top. Mix the ingredients for the dressing, pour ontop and turn everything a few times to mix it all together Salt and pepper according to taste!

This is the best potato salad I've ever had! Would probably be really tasty to have some radishes in it as well 👌

Happy eating folks!

Summertime.. and the living is easy 😍

Solskensunge 🌞

mmmmm corn on the cob 👌 🌽 😋

Lovah made a game this weekend, I'm so proud of her, she has an amazing imagination and is so full of creativity ❤ 👇



at mom's house

​The past weeks have been all about reconnecting with the children. After being gone for 2 weeks its been tough. Partly because I´ve not been feeling well. Also it always takes time to reajust to the rutines again. We´ve not done much. Gone for walks, visited our old hometown, seen family and friends. Short visits but just enough for now. We spent a weekend at Gräsö, this weekend Lovah had one of her best friends over for a sleepover. We made a "tent" on the balcony woch they slept in for two nights. Tonight Lovah and Leiah chose to sleep there again. They have been sleeping much better there, than inside in their own beds. :D When Lovahs friend, Miriam was here they got to babysit for an evening, me and Jim went out for a date wich we almost never have done. Yesterday me and the kids went to the movies. Angry birds. 

Siri has been shedding SO MUCH hair lately!! Been brushing her everyday and she still sheds hair in piles around the house. :O Right now she looks like a rat. Thin, with hair hanging of her in clumps. I read that dogs usually shed enormously twice a year. Since she just turned 1, maybe this is her first episode of the mega-hair-shedding-party. It´s extremely annoying. Hair everywhere. So I´m not baking right now, since It´s enough having to pick Siri-hair out of the food all the time. 

I´m still isolating myself, wich is soooo nice. I know I´ll eventually get tired and bored of just being me, animals, kids.. But for now it´s well needed and I really hope no one is offenden. If you have tried to reach me on messenger, instagram or fb, I wont answere, sine Im off there for now. If your in dire need of contacting my sorry mess of a humanbeing, send a text, email or snailmail. Don´t call, I won´t answere. (I know this may sound weird, but If you know me, for real, you will understand) <3 

OH YEAH!! I´ve got myself a present: a Nikon D5300 camera! It´s awesome, I´m in love. In august I will be going to a course, to get to know all the secrets, tips and tricks. (hopefully) 

Peace and Love 

My mom and Norah have always had a very special connection

Grandma Gunilla and Norah ❤❤

Leiah and Elias watching the baby pigeon who had fallen from it's nest 😥

Lovah and Miriam in the "tent" on our balcony ❤

Beautiful blue-eyed Leiah

-The date, we had dinner at Burger's and Beer's and then we walked around town and played in a playground 😁 



If anyone was wondering about the silence from my part: It's been really hard to come back to Sweden. I so wish VT was just a train ride away.. The fact that it's a huge ocean between my family here and the other half of my heart (family in VT), is a real killer. 😔

Also, my social fobia has hit me with a huge bang.. it's a true struggle to just get out of the house.  I'm afraid to meet ANYONE I know, because my brain is out of order BIG time.. It's scary, I have no memory, can't even remember 2 things to get from the store. Or if I talk to someone, the next day or even after a few hours I don't remember what we said. Right now I would prefer to live on a mountaintop, with no cellphone, no one near and just plain silence.

I'm still struggling with sleep.. Trying to turn my brain back to Swedish time is so freaking hard!

I've had quite a long hypomanic period and I believe I just landed from it  👎 Don't think I've ever been hypo for this long. About 4  months I would guess. And the absolute scariest about my life the past 2 years is that I don't know where my mind is. It feels like it's been in a constant state of blurred confusion since my deep depression 2 years ago. Does it ever recover? This is  freaking me out sometimes!  I'm really scared that I'm never going to get better and always struggle with this dazed feeling.

Sooo... that's why I've been isolating myself, and most likely will continue with it for now..

I'm staying in my little cocoon, with my family, nature and animals. See you later ✌

(this will hopefully reach friends and family, even though I know almost no one reads this blog 😝  I don't want to be rude but I just don't have the energy to write to each one of you to explain my absence)



Second day back from Vermont. My head is twisted. I hate the jetlag I get when traveling back. It's not so bad going there. Anyhow. Im feeling empty, know that it will pass. This is something that always happens when I've had a break in the routines doing something really fun. When I get back to reality it just gets me down. It was awesome seing my children again, my man and the dog and cats 😍 Apart from that I'm really not so excited at all about being back. This has partly to do with the difficulties I have with being content. It sucks. 👎

America was awesome as always. Vermont is a state of rednecks, farmers, hippies, crafties, vegans, cheese, ice cream, maple syrup, beautiful mountains, clear cool rivers and lot's to do even though it is such a rural place.

We had a great time, seeing family and friends. Laughing, shopping, swimming, hiking, eating and just enjoying the company and being away from home and all it's responsibilities.

Now I have three things on my bucket list for the next year:

1. Get my driver's license
2. Buy a camera
3. Save up and plan for bringing my whole family to VT next summer

❤ ✌

Oh yeah 😝 Happy 4th y'all! ❤🇺🇸❤




Fryst hackad spenat 1/2 påse
Färsk baby spenat 1/2 påse
1/2 zucchini
ca 5dl mandelmjölk eller annan växtmjölk
2 vitlöksklyftor
1tsk peppar
1/2 tsk muskot

Fräs hackad zuchini och färsk spenat i olivolja, vitlök, peppar, muskot tills zucchinin fått lite färg och mjuknat. Häll i frysta spenaten (gärna lite tinad) och ca 5 dl mandelmjölk. Vispa ut ca 2 msk potatismjöl i 1 dl växtmjölk. Mixa soppan med stavmixer tills det ej finns klumpig zuchini. Låt puttra ihop med resten av ingredienserna tills den tjocknar lite. Smaka av med salt och ev mer av andra kryddorna


En burk kikärtor
1/2 kruka koriander
chiliflakes efter smak

Mosa ihop kikärtorna med ovanstående ingredienser efter tycke och smak. Var inte snål med olivoljan då kikärtor gärna drar åt sig av den 😊

Svårt för mig att skriva ut mina egna hittepå-recept då jag alltid höftar och SMAKAR! Använd känsla och dina sinnen 👌  Dessa recept räcker för 2-3 personer.

(Jag åt även klyftpotatis med rosmarin och timjan till. Sjuuuukt gott! Gifte sig fantastiskt med kikärtorna)



Today we had Norahs birthday party with friends and family ❤ Thank y'all for coming and celebrating with us and contributing to the potluck! A special thanks to my sister, for the help with the preparations ✌

I am amazed at how wonderful big sisters Norah has, both Leiah and Lovah bought presents for her with their own savings. I hope they will cherish the bond they have, during years to come.

And now I'm so done. My back is worse again (have been recovering from lumbago the past few days) so now I'm resting until tomorrow 😝