I'm starting to read a new book. It's suspense and mystery. I'm really excited to get caught up in the story. I know I've been absent for a few days, even though I know nobody reads this blog.

I feel like I'm going through a changing process in my life. Like snakes when they get rid of the old skin. I arrived to this new place almost three months ago, I still don't have friends. I've met people, I haven't made friends. I could go on a new adventure every day but I don't want to. Because I'm motivated by something greater. I don't feel bad for "missing out" on all those things people consider so necessary, because even though they are and I admit it, they're not important right now. I'm focused on building a stronger foundation for myself. The cost of ambition involves:
- late nights, early mornings.
- lots of associates, very few friends.
- you will be misunderstood.
- you will be single unless you find someone lucky enough to understand your lifestyle.
- people will want you to do good but never better than them.

For these reasons, you will do many things alone. So if you wake up everyday hungry for ambition, for success, for bettering yourself and challenging yourself with something new everyday, I suggest you to:

*Set a GOAL.
*Make a PLAN.
*Stay FOCUSed.

You are more likely to succeed with other successful and driven individuals around you. So surround yourself with those who are hungry.

Set goals big and small. If you lack confidence, goal setting helps a lot. There is no substitute for the feeling of accomplishment.

It's always best to have an attitude of gratitude.

Never take anything for granted. If you're breathing, you're blessed.

Be relentless in everything you do. And I mean, push yourself to a place you never thought you could once go. And I'm talking about every aspect of your life including details. Go above and beyond with every task you have to accomplish, because once you give yourself that kind of effort, the dominos start to fall and results beyond your wildest dreams start to happen.

Remember you are unique. Find your strengths and skills and work on them. Someone out there has to try to emulate your uniqueness, while you may feel it is a disadvantage, and they will work hard you be everything you already are. Do not take yourself for granted.

Remember there are several paths to success. We are all given multiple opportunities to achieve our potential throughout our lives. Some of us get there quicker than others but one throng is certain: NO ONE gets there without first setting a goal and taking action. Tomorrow starts a new day. If you're not prepared mentally for tomorrow and the days ahead, your body will not follow and your life will certainly not follow.

Take a moment tonight to reflect on where you are and where you want to be by tomorrow and the beginning of next week and then make a move.

Think about where you want to be a year from now. Don't sell yourself short either and remember anything is possible.

Now I want you to ask yourself these questions:

1. How much time are you willing to put in the next 365 days to get there?

2. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Here are my answers:

1. ALL OF IT.

2. EVERYTHING.

Taking the night off. Staying home watching movies. Going out for a drink. If I picked any of those options instead of putting in the work on a Saturday it would only mean one thing: there is someone out there who wants it more than me.

You keep waiting for the next person to come along and support your decisions or the money to make your visions come to life today. But you know what? None of that matters. All you need is a belief and a relentless work ethic.

Tonight when you rest your head on your pillow, will you close your eyes with the intentions of giving tomorrow everything you have? Or will you end up in the same position tomorrow night, reflecting on the could have, would have, should haves?

You have the power to make dreams into reality, but if you're not willing to put in the work, you might as well stay in bed when the alarm goes off.

Last year, this month, today; it doesn't matter how much time you have wasted. The only things that matters if how much time you will spend doing the things that matter when you wake up in the morning.

-"You learn more from failure than from success. Don't let it sop you. Failure builds character."

-"Climb mountains not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world."

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To all who walk the dark path, and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us:

Brighter days are coming.
Clearer sight will arrive.
And you will arrive too.

No, it might not be forever. The bright moments might be for a few days at a time, but hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark.

In the dark you find yourself, all bones and exhaustion and helplessness. In the dark you find your basest self. In the dark you find the bottom of watery trenches the rest of the world only sees the surface of. You will see things that no normal person will ever see. Terrible things. Mysterious things. Things that try to burrow into your mind like a bad seed. Things that whisper dark and horrid secrets that you want to forget. Things that scream lies. Things that want you dead. Things that will stop at nothing to pull you down further and kill you in the most terrible way of all... by your own trembling hand. These things are fearsome monsters... the kind you always knew would sink in their needle-sharp teeth and pull you under the bed if you left a dangling limb out. You know they aren't real, but when you're in the black, watery hole with them they are the realest thing there is. And they want us dead.

And sometimes they succeed.

But not always. And not with you. You are alive. You have fought and battled them. You are scarred and worn and sometimes exhausted and were perhaps even close to giving up, but you did not.

You have won many battles. There are no medals given out for these fights, but you wear your armor and your scars like an invisible skin, and each time you learn a little more. You learn how to fight. You learn which weapons work. You learn who your allies are. You learn that those monsters are exquisite liars who will stop at nothing to get you to surrender. Sometimes you fight valiantly with fists and words and fury. Sometimes you fight by pulling yourself into a tiny ball, blotting out the monsters along with the rest of the world. Sometimes you fight by giving up and turning it over to someone else who can fight for you. Sometimes you just fall deeper.

And in the deepest, night-blind fathoms you're certain that you're alone. You aren't. I'm there with you. And I'm not alone. Some of the best people are here too... feeling blindly. Waiting. Crying. Surviving. Painfully stretching their souls so that they can learn to breathe underwater... so that they can do what the monsters say is impossible. So that they can live. And so that they can find their way back to the surface with the knowledge of things that go bump in the night. So that they can dry themselves in the warm light that shines so brightly and easily for those above the surface. So that they can walk with others in the sunlight but with different eyes... eyes that still see the people underwater, allowing them to reach out into the darkness to pull up fellow fighters, or to simply hold their cold hands and sit beside the water to wait patiently for them to come up for air.

Ground zero is where the normal people live their lives, but not us. We live in the negatives so often that we begin to understand that life when the sun shines should be lived full throttle, soaring. The invisible tether that binds the normal people on their steady course doesn't hold us in the same way. Sometimes we walk in sunlight with everyone else. Sometimes we live underwater and fight and grow. And sometimes...

Sometimes we fly.

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Lately I've been waking up with a whole new mindset. I'm so excited for what's coming. This definitely feels like hitting a milestone. When your get rid of the dead skin you've been carrying and change into a new one. I feel so empowered, so strong.

So early in the morning I woke up, really early, already had my bag packed from the night before. I decided to go on a road trip. I drove to Cape Flattery. Is amazing. While driving it felt great, not the kind of perfect where nothing is wrong but the kind of perfect where the wrongs don't matter. I'm excited for the road I've decided to take (in my life). I feel incredibly driven by great ideals. Giving my life more meaningful purposes has changed the way I see the world, but most importantly the way I see myself. 

There's a great reward in accepting who you are, realizing that you can do better and doing so. And thinking "Wow, this is exactly what it is supposed to feel like." And when you're finally figuring out yourself and stopped listening to everyone else, letting them dictate who you are or who you have to be or do... When you finally reach a breaking point and decide is your life, that complacency is a dangerous place, that you want to do the best you can and never settle for what's convenient or easy, that's when you'll find true meaningful drive and purpose in your life. Because remember, and remember very well, nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy. 

And I can't wait to share this journey with you.

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Find three hobbies in life: one to make you money, one to stay in shape and one to be creative.

I am a loner, or whatever they call it. I'm the kind of person who enjoys her own company way too much. My mind is constantly debating, drifting away to places I'm often afraid to explore. I wonder if it occurs to everybody, and I answer to myself, yes it does, you're not unique. But it feels lonely, it does. I wish I was more of a normal human being. I've chosen a hobby that allows me to dive deep into my soul, writing. To the point where I get scared. Humans are scary creatures. Fascinating but delicate. And with dark depths. A season of isolation and loneliness is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.

Back to your hobbies. Set yourself some goals. Clear, achievable, realistic goals. Give yourself a timeline to achieve each and everyone if possible. Be flexible with your timelines, specially when you're getting close to them, but don't lose sight of them. Many people, and by many I mean 95% of the population will set themselves goals but will get lost in the way, distracted, uninspired. You don't need to set many goals, but enough to make you happy, otherwise you will lose drive. For example, some of my main goals are: Create my own business, Travel, Have a family. These are big bright signs along the way. Between each of them there are smaller goals that help me get there. Plan. Plan carefully, thoroughly. Be patient. Nothing worth having comes easy. Want to live a happy life? Don't compare yourself to others. Do what you have to do, do it good, do it again if you have to, and never give up.

Take time for yourself. Learn to embrace your own company. To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions. Invest in friends, real friends. People who want to see you and help you grow. Be picky with who you invest your time in. You don't need a bunch of friends, believe me.

Be curious.

Love. And say it. Life is too short not to.

And don't be afraid to fail. Any worthwhile ambition will scare the shit out of you, and that's when you jump. But be prepared.

When you find yourself making a decision and struggling, always ask yourself: Life is too short, is this worth it?

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I wish someone had told me this simple but confusing truth: Even when everything's going your way, you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortably numb. Because you can't always control your brain or your emotions even when things are perfect.

The really scary thing is that sometimes that makes it worse. You're supposed to be sad when things are shitty, but if you're sad when you have everything you're supposed to want? That's utterly terrifying.

If everything is perfect and I'm miserable, then is this as good as it gets? And the answer is no. It gets better. You get better.

You learn to appreciate the fact that what drives you is very different from what you're told should make you happy. You learn that it's okay to prefer your personal idea of heaven (maybe a bed full of kittens watching a really good thriller on tv, or traveling to some hidden paradise in the Maldives, or reading a book in a quiet porch in summer or in winter with the fireplace on, or simply sitting in comfortable silence with the ones I love...) rather than someone else's idea that fame/fortune/parties are the pinnacle we should all reach for. And there's something surprisingly freeing about that.

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Picture this. The years from now, you're sitting in a big house, all white picket fence and porch swings. Ten years ago you swore you'd be living in a big city with her by your side but something happened along the way and you watched as those plans desintegrated in the palms of your hands. You watch the sunrise and you watch the sunset and you wonder if she's somewhere on the other side of the planet like she promised. " I gotta get out of here", she said, "it doesn't matter how I do it or where I go, I'm getting out".

Picture this. Twenty years from now, you find your first grey hair. You dutifully have that middle aged panic attack that everyone seems obliged to have and you screw up your eyes and pull it out. Your life is pretty steady now: good, calm, like you've finally figured things out. "I'm getting old", you grumble. And somewhere, at the back of your mind, you wonder if she's getting old too.

Picture this. Fifty years from now, your hair is like snow (if you have any, that is). Your walking stick is your new best friend and memories seem to flit in and out of your head like clouds in the sky. Most days you can't remember what you had for breakfast or what you'll have for tea, and somedays it's beginning to hurt to breathe. It's on these occasions, when your chest is heavy and you have to sit down, that you remember her. You think how true it is that you don't forget the people you loved when you were young. You may not remember yesterday's weather but you remember the fifty year old summer breeze and complaining about her hair in your face. "I wonder if she's happy", you say, and people mistake it as mindless rambling. "I hope she found what she was looking for".

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I took some time to write myself some advice.

1. Travel

You have very little responsibility so go and travel. When you get to 30, you’re going to want to travel slightly differently, spend a little more, do slightly more expensive things, eat at slightly better restaurants. So work for a year and save enough money to experience the world on the cheap.

How do you know what you want to do if you don’t know what’s out there to do?

Don’t just travel to the obvious places.
Travel to the tough places.
Travel to learn.
Travel to discover.
Travel to the places that will challenge who you think you want to be.
2. Build things

Don’t spend too much time working on other people’s visions or in other people’s meetings. Spend time figuring out what your own world view is (see point 1) and where you want to take your own life.

Meetings are where ideas go to die.

If you find yourself in a corporate job that you wish you could leave then do it. Leave. If you don’t have a corporate job yet see point 5.

3. Read

Read every day. Read everything you can. Don’t just read about things you know about. Read about people. Read people.

4. Stop watching television

Right now. Stop it. It’s not helping you get better at anything.

5. Career

Do not take that corporate job. Just don’t do it (see point 2).


6. Trust

Even if it kills your relationships. Even if it destroys your ideas. Even if you lose your friends. Even if it means you end up getting hurt.

Trust people until they give you a reason not to.

But don’t be naïve. Some people are out to fuck you.

7. People

People are the best and worst thing that will happen to you. Some will help you go further, faster. Others will pull you down to their level and help you lose. Most are OK. Many are average. Some are excellent.

A few people will change your life forever. Find them.

You don’t need a lot of friends or people around you. You need amazing people who do for you as you do for them.

It’s simple really, a lot of average friends will leave you feeling alone when you need to feel surrounded by people who care.

8. Value time

Don’t waste time on people who you don’t trust. Don’t waste time with lovers who cheat on you. Don’t waste time with friends who don’t treat you the way you treat them (see point 7).

Do not be late.

Value other people’s time. That means that if you’re late, you don’t give a shit about them or their time and that you think you’re worth more and therefore can keep them waiting.

Some people will tell you that it’s OK to be late. It’s not. Some people will tell you that it’s just the way they are. Then you need to reevaluate them (see point 7 above).

9. Fail

Fail a lot. Fail often. Fail at love. Fail at sex. Fail at socialising. Fail at making friends. Fail at work. Fail at business. Fail with family. Fail with existing friends.

Fail. But do it quickly and learn a lesson.

If you don’t learn something every time you fail then all you’ve done is failed. If you learn something, then you’ve grown. Every time you grow and learn and fail, you get better at figuring out how the hell to succeed.

10. Success

There is no point at which you will have succeeded. Not in your twenties. Not ever.

Get over that fact and start building things (see point 2 and combine with point 9).

11. Patience

Be patient. Nothing worth doing is worth doing quickly. Nothing worth building is worth building in a rush. Nothing of value is formed in a minute.

Plan in decades. Think in years. Work in months. Live in days.

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I went to the public library the other day. I found a great book. Is called furiously happy. She explores the stages of anxiety and depression telling terrible stories that crack me up! I definitely recommend it. Is very relatable and enjoyable. I've been going to bed later than normal lately. Around 2 or 3 in the morning. And you know those late night thoughts, how nonsensical and haunting can they get... Wondering why humans don't come with a reset button and how someday we will. 

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I'm sorry I mislead you into having genuine hope. I'm sorry I sold you a dream I wasn't committed to fulfilling. I'm sorry you were hurt deeply. I'm sorry I made you weep. I'm sorry I stole your peace. I'm sorry I filled you with doubt. I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry I betrayed you. I'm sorry I broke your trust. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry I spoke on many things but never took action. I'm sorry I broke my promises. I'm sorry i tore down your walls just to make you feel vulnerable. I'm sorry for all the pain you feel. I'm sorry for the disappointment you have. I'm sorry for the sleepless nights. I'm sorry you cried yourself to sleep. I'm sorry you couldn't eat right. I'm sorry I made you want to give up on love. I'm sorry for the embarrassment. I'm sorry we spoke about being married and having a family. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I wasn't more tender with you. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry you feel more fear concerning love. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I made you feel cheap. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry I didn't respect you. I'm sorry I rejected you. I'm sorry I neglected you. I'm sorry for the degrading things I said to you. I'm sorry I made you feel like what you have to offer is worthless. I'm sorry I took advantage of you. I'm sorry I took advantage of you. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I did the same thing you had forgiven me for. Il sorry you cried. I'm sorry a little piece of you died. I'm sorry I broke you. I'm sorry you're in pieces. I'm so sorry...

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When cancer sufferers fight, recover and go into remission, we celebrate their bravery. We wear ribbons to celebrate their fight. We call them survivors. Because they are.

When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark... Ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness. Afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won't. We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breath.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We comeback to life thinner, paler, weaker... but as survivors. Survivor who don't get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivor who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping fight a battle they may not even understand.

I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.

I hope one day to be better, and I'm pretty sure I will be. I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame. I hope it for you too.

But until then, it starts slowly.

I haven't hurt myself in three days. I sing strange battle songs to myself in the darkness to scare away the demons. I am a fighter when I need to be. And for that I'm proud.

I celebrate everyone of you reading this. I celebrate the fact that you've fought your battle and continue to win. I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again. I survived and I remind myself that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger. We learn new tricks on the battlefield. We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them. We don't struggle in vain.

We win.
We are alive.

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