I like learning, I really do and I've realized that on breaks and weekends where I have time to actually digest all the new things. I love it, i'm amazed by math and chemistry and biology and I love making the world inside my head bigger, I do.
I hate school tough, with all my heart. I hate it and all it does to me, because when I'm in school I don't like learning anymore. And I like to think of it as a favourite food, a hamburger or a delicious pizza. No matter how good it tastes you wont like it being shoved down your throat.
My goal isn't to lower my ambitions, I see that now. Surely I want to be able get bad results or scores and still feel happy and fine with my performance, but I think I already can. What I want is to be able to have these ambitions and be in a good place mentally at the same time. I want greatness in life, I have big dreams and goals and I want to fulfill them. I want to keep learning and I want to keep studying.
What I don't want is for it to kill me, though sadly that is what's happening right now. All of the learning and studying has been shoved down my throat for so long now I can no longer breathe. What kills me is that I have to do bad on some tests and I have to do less on some assignments otherwise I wont get sleep or keep my sanity.
I feel like I'm being set up to fail in a way. I want to do my very best at everything but they even told us in the beginning that it wont be possible. Why is it like that? Why aren't we encouraged to do our best and why aren't we given the space and the time to do so? It's like telling us to make a cake in 10 minutes, surely it can be done but it wont be very good. Give me an hour, give me two or three! Teach me how to make one, give me room to practise and learn and I'll make you the best damn cake you'll ever have.
I look myself in the mirror and I think "you could have been great". That's what school is doing to me. I love learning and I am ready to work hard for my results and as the matter of facts I indeed could have been great had I been given the time, the help and the space I needed in school. It kills me to know this. And instead of getting this time I'm told to lower my ambitions. It kills me to hear this because I like learning, I really do.